Boyfriend doesn’t want to meet my daughter

[Foodx123]

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and it’s been going well and I can see a future with him. One small issue being, he isn’t sure about the prospect of being a “step dad” because he’s never had experience with kids. I 100% appreciate the fact that it is a tough decision but he knew from day 1 I had a child. His friends have even told him he needs to think whether he’s 100% serious about this and not to mess me about.

anyway, he’s met my daughter once and we went for ice cream and it was a nice day out. He didn’t really speak to her, just said hi. She was 22 months old at the time. After that I mentioned whether we were together or not to which we sat down and he said he didn’t think he was ready for being with someone with a child and for him to have the life he wants with me it would require him being a stepdad. Obviously I was upset and then he said he’d think about. He said he wouldn’t usually date someone with a child but he really likes me. After that he said he’d think about it. We then carried on meeting, went on a weekend away and he agreed we were together.

fast forward several weeks he stayed round and I knew he had a free afternoon so I asked whether he wanted to hang out with me and my daughter. He said it’s not he doesn’t want to hang out with her it’s just he would rather wait before he introduces himself to her life. We’ve been dating 3 months and we have obvious feelings for each other so I’m unsure what the issue is? What should I say to him? I’m not sure how to approach this as I’ve not been in this situation before either.

It’s a tough decision because he’s but sure about you

and you’re not sure about him either until your child is

Leave it another year. Your bf isn't sure so stop pushing.

3 months is way too soon anyway. Your DD needs you, she doesn't need anyone else at this point.

Good for him, it’s only been three months, he isn’t sure if it has legs and he shouldn’t be in your daughters life at all at this early stage.

Safeguard your toddler. There is zero benefit to her to be forced to be around your brand new boyfriend. Educate yourself of safeguarding, and prioritise your child.

This is a huge possible change in his life - you’ve chosen to have a child, he hasn’t. He’s right to take his time and give it serious consideration. He sounds very sensible.

This. Too soon.

I agree with pretty much everyone else that this is too soon to introduce your new relationship to your kid. You don't know him well enough yet, and kids get attached to people. If things didn't work out 6 months from now, you'd have to deal with your own upset as well as potentially your toddler's heartbreak, and that's not fair.

Also, I think it's perfectly possible for you to have a stable committed relationship with someone and them NOT take on a step parent role. My husband's parents split when he was young (I think around 8?) He lived with his dad, who later got a new partner. They never married, but she lived with them throughout my husband's teens and since. She has never been referred to or seen as a stepmother to him or his sister, and I don't consider her my mother in law - though she is still a significant part of our lives.

3 months!!!!!

Dear god. Your boyfriend is being very sensible, unlike you!

You can and should keep your dating life separate from your very young child. It's been a matter of weeks and they have already met.

You need to really think about this. It sounds as if he likes/loves you but needs time to adjust to you having a child. He honestly sounds like a really good guy. Please tread careful or you will push him away completely.

Does your DD have a dad? Why do you actively want her to have a step-dad?

At least going by Mumsnet threads, it's barely ever in the children's best interests.

I do realise that people in perfectly happy blended families don't feel the need to post threads about them... But still. Just get clear in your head what her needs are: stability, a fair share of your attention (not saying you can't have a relationship!) and most of all, a safe home life.

I think you're actually very lucky this man seems to be quite level headed and does not (immediately seem to be) a danger to children.

If he was he could quite easily have access to your toddler after just 12 weeks of being around you. You're wanting him to play a father role in her life after such a short time is screaming danger to me, if he was that way inclined. What does that mean to you? Allowing him to be around her alone? Baths? Nappy changes?

You don't truly know anyone after 3 months OP, however much you convince yourself otherwise.

Please take a step back and evaluate the situation with more critical eyes. This is your daughters safety at stake here.

When a couple decide to have a child together, it's 9 months in the making. Both parents have time to adjust to the idea that their lives are going to change. After only 3 months, I'm surprised this guy hasn't run a mile if you're now trying to make him buy into an oven-ready family. He knows it's way too soon. You should too

Why do you think after only 3 months he should be in your daughter's life?

No ones meeting my children after 3 months.

Ok so you introduce them and he gets involved in her life. In a years time you split up.

You meet another guy, he gets involved in her life. You split up.

You repeat this ad-nauseam.

How is this looking after the emotional well being of your child?

You aren’t even in the honeymoon period yet (6-24 months).

Your daughter doesn’t need a step father she needs stability.

You hardly know this man. Stop bringing him into her life. Reassess in a years time.

He sounds far more sensible about the situation than you do. Why are rushing it, it’s only been 3 months, far too early for all this!

She's 2. Miles too early OP

Same here. I’ve dumped guys who have been pushy about meeting my dc’s and 3 of them are adults.

I am overly cautious though as I had one of those mums who changed boyfriends on a regular basis.

The fact he came out for a day and only said "hi" should be red flags aplenty - he didn't want to be there but he came to appease you.

Talk to him, apologise for being pushy, and talk to him about why you feel like that. He seems like a nice guy. Otherwise, you risk losing him.

You see a future with a man you've known for 3 months who isn't interested in being a step-father, yet you have a very young child? This situation has disaster written all over it. Have some backbone and put your daughter first.

Three months and you’re pushing him to commit to being a stepfather to your daughter?

No. His attitude is absolutely the right one. Yours is wildly off.

Is your daughters bio dad on the scene regularly and involved financially etc? Xx

3 months is nothing so I get his point

perhaps you want someone who is instantly ready to deal with kids and you’re allowed to want what you want. But so is he. If you want someone to be different, be fair to him and end it.