Putting DSC first

[CauliWobble]

Why are stepmums expected to put the DSC first always? They aren't their children. They might have careers and lives of their own. The DSC has too parents but all too often you see..treat them as your own, they are your family, the kids come first. Yes to their parents but not to the stepparent. As long as they are kind and friendly why is it expected by so many that they have to make more sacrifices than they already are. Why is it so taboo to say "they aren't my child so no".

Absolutely agree!

I'm sure you'll get wails of 'because they are innocent childrennnnnnnn', but I think you're right.

Every other child manages with with either two or sometimes even one parent. I don't see why my step children need 4 adults running around for them.

I expect my husband and his ex to do whatever they'd do if I weren't around.

And no, they don't come first to me. I'm kind and I'm fair but my child is always my number one and if I feel there is ever a situation where they are being disadvantaged I will back them, my stepchildrens mother and father can do the same for them.

Basically I'm not here to make DHs and his exes parenting easier. Sort it out between yourselves!

That’s totally fine and understandable. Provided of course that the child doesn’t actually live with you and they are not being put second in their own home.

Otherwise yes - kind aunt or teacher rather than parent is the way to go.

A step parents is stepping into a parental role. Anyone not prepared to put a child first has no business doing that. There are many people without children to have relationships with if you do not want to be a step parent, but if you cannot love a stepchild and treat them just like you would your own child, the right thing to do is exit the relationship to ensure you do no damage. Every child deserves a loving home.

Absolute bullshit. They aren't stepping into a parenting role. They have parents for that. The only requirement of a step parent is not to be a dick to the child.

You're also forgetting the magical MN crystal ball phrase - 'you knew what you were getting into'. Because life with a baby step-child is the same as when they progress into teenage doom.

As I say I would always put my child first. If my husband felt that disadvantaged kids he'd be free to leave. I would never disadvantage my own child for someone else's, my husband's or not.

As it happens, needs have always been pretty much aligned for the DC so it's never had to come up but absolutely my kids come 100% first to me. I expect ALL of them to come equally to my husband and DSC to come first to their mother.

I come first in my world.

A step parents is stepping into a parental role.

says who?

Anyone not prepared to put a child first has no business doing that.

are you a resentful stepchild?

There are many people without children to have relationships with if you do not want to be a step parent, but if you cannot love a stepchild and treat them just like you would your own child, the right thing to do is exit the relationship to ensure you do no damage.

some stepchildren don’t want to be loved by their step parents, some parents don’t want that either. By treating them like you’re own does that mean step parents get an equal say in discipline, diet, clothing, going to plays and parents evenings, choose or veto hobbies?

Every child deserves a loving home.

If they don’t that’s on their parents.

If any woman suggested she was stepping into a parents role because she was married to or shagging my ex I'd tell her to fuck off. The only parents my child needs are me and their Dad.

I think of my DSC like I do a friend's DC. I'm always kind, because I would never NOT be kind to a child, but my own children come first and foremost to me, I think expecting anything else from someone who isn't your child's parent is crazy to be frank. I don't expect anyone else other than me and DH to put our DC first.

DSC have a mother who is perfectly capable of doing everything they need from a mother and they have DH who is perfectly capable of doing everything a father does. They don't need 3-4 parents. Their dad and their mum are responsible for ensuring the environment they live in is good for them. That's not to suggest you should ever be unkind, you shouldn't and that is absolutely not on. But I don't believe it's my responsibility to put them first, it's their parents.

And as for the loving them like my own DC. I can't even begin to explain how ludicrous the suggestion feels to me. How I feel about DSC is not even in the realms of the same solar system compared to how I feel about my own DC. If me and DH split I'd probably barely see them again.

I play the benevolent aunt but the rules and discipline are the same for my DCs as they are the DSCs.

When doing family things all needs are considered and if a conflict then we divide and conquer. Eldest SDC been doing A levels and youngest GCSES - their needs have come above us having our usual family Easter holiday - so i took mine away on their own.

It is not difficult

Eldest SDC been doing A levels and youngest GCSES - their needs have come above us having our usual family Easter holiday - so i took mine away on their own.

This is the type of thing I mean.

If DSC needs meant a big family holiday was off the cards that's fine. But I'd absolutely not hesitate to take mine on their own in that situation because I'd never have them miss out.

Well yes - all of the DCs will be equal to their dad. That goes without saying!

Nope, to all of this except your last sentence. And this love is for their parents to create, not SM/SD

“Put dsc first” a lot of the time just comes with unreasonable expectations. There’s putting children first, and then there’s stupid requests from both parents who could just as easily find solutions for their child themselves.

Yes this!

I have this sort of role even when they are living here. I'm not their mother.

If I treated them like I treat my own child they would feel VERY uncomfortable

Thank you I just needed to vent and to know I am not alone. There have been a couple of instances now where people have just assumed I'm some kind of mother to the DSC. I'm not. I don't know about their school grades. I don't know what they'd like for their birthday. And that is ok.

That’s perfectly ok. Hopefully their dad does do all that to the same extent he does it for your DC.

No this is where I get confused. I am a step mum to three. I'm a full time step mum as their mum died long before I met my DP. I Don't have children of my own but I do love them and although I'm not their mum I am most certainly their parent and treat them as I would have treated my own. I understand every dynamic is different but nearly every post where a woman has a new partner you will always hear them say that the man treats her kids like his own and they wouldn't have it any differently. It seems that the children have a shitty dad then there is an expectation they their new partner steps up to be the father figure. This doesn't seem to be replicated in reverse.

Yes, zero. Ha.

I wouldn't have that expectation though. A step dsd isn't a replacement father.