Putting DSC first

[CauliWobble]

Why are stepmums expected to put the DSC first always? They aren't their children. They might have careers and lives of their own. The DSC has too parents but all too often you see..treat them as your own, they are your family, the kids come first. Yes to their parents but not to the stepparent. As long as they are kind and friendly why is it expected by so many that they have to make more sacrifices than they already are. Why is it so taboo to say "they aren't my child so no".

• stepdad

So you don't take an interest in their lives and presumably if you have children that aren't your DH's then he doesn't take an interest in yours? But if you have children together it's all hands on deck? I'm not sure I could lead such a separated life.

My children's step mum has the right balance, in my opinion. She's built up a relationship with them , separate to me, it's respectful, fair, fun and they are the same back. She's not taken on a parent role, but does make a fabulous lasagna, chats to them whenever, they can ask her for advice, her job is one where they do go to her. It can be done, takes time but lovely to have harmony.

I didn't say I don't take an interest in their life. But I don't interrogate them about their school grades! It doesn't come up and tbh no I'm not interested in any child's grades. I ask them what's going on at school and they tell me so and so has fallen out with so and so and that the roof leaked or stuff like that. I don't make a point of making sure I know what they'd like for their birthday or their school grades. I just don't get why people assume I would. It does my head in.

Yes exactly the sort of relationship I feel I have/am developing. I'm an extra add on not the main act.

@CauliWobble exactly. Over time, if you do it that way, you'll have people who are part of your family and have strong relationships with them as adults. You don't need to do the parenting, you can be part of their lives in other ways. Good luck, I'm sure it's not easy.

Do your SCs live with you 50:50 or more? Or less?

Thank you! It is actually quite low stress at the moment but it's more people outside our family assuming it must be one way and acting like this way terrible that is the problem.

Less. Every other weekend and half or more of the holidays

Ah ok. So it’s not their main home. Then absolutely, chatting about leaky roofs and who has fallen out with who sounds fair enough and an enjoyable break from the daily grind.

It seems that the children have a shitty dad then there is an expectation they their new partner steps up to be the father figure. This doesn't seem to be replicated in reverse.

Why should it be an expectation?

It happens all the time in posts by women who have new partners. They will always say he treats them like his own and I wouldn't have it any other way.

No this is where I get confused. I am a step mum to three. I'm a full time step mum as their mum died long before I met my DP

i think it’s two things.

firstly if you live with your stepchildren there’s more of a parenting role. This is where nrp lose out because they no longer have that daily routine, pick up from school, read stories, bedtime etc that builds the relationship.

secondly it’s mum is usually seen as the primary parent. So generally another man stepping into the “dad” role is seen as a positive thing- and an nrp negative. An nrp can’t be there for the daily grind, even if they wanted to, so stepdad falls into a parenting role, where dad is forced into a “fun uncle” as he’s not there every day. not anyone’s fault, just domestic set up.

women as step mums also are expected to be “naturally” nurturing and caring, what kind of evil woman doesn’t love kids etc. but again mum is the primary parent, so they should be very careful not to tread on her toes. If, as in your case, mum isn’t around at all, you are fully expected to parent as mum would, because you are female.

Yes I think you are correct on all points there.

Or because if the mum has died and she has married their dad she looks after them as her own because she’s a decent human being.

I agree it does always happen.

I don't think it necessarily should though, I don't think anyone should have the expectation of their partner to treat their children like their own unless they want that role.

Yes and no! If you choose to have a relationship with and have children with a person who already has children then their needs must be factored into family life. Not always put first but their requirements need to be put first by their biological parent even if that is at detriment to the step mum eg if it's their contact weekend you can't just cancel on them because you want to do something else.

but if you cannot love a stepchild and treat them just like you would your own child,

Does that include disciplining them as you would your own? It's funny how "treat them as your own" only seems to be mentioned when it comes to the fun bits (usually involving the SM spending money on them).

What a load of old tosh.

This is the way I see it too. But we are in the minority.

It's totally different to a man. I find a lot of the time "treating them like his own" means living in the same house as them and not being horrible, not cooking them tea every night, doing the school run and washing their uniform.

Its easy to be like a dad to someone when your idea of a dad is just a man who lives with you rather than a hands on parent.

Women are expected to do actual parenting.

Also the expectation is treat them like your own, but only if it's positive. Not discipline or anything negative.

No he can't. But if I get a better offer to go out with a friend or something like that then I personally wouldn't put seeing DSC first. Their Dad can see them, I'd expect to be free to do whatever whether it was their contact weekend or not.

So you can't cancel them coming but I can certainly 'cancel' having to be there myself.

Course I wouldn't do that but I don't have to be around for their contact weekend

Do you think many people love someone else's kids as much as their own? Situations like adoption or them having no mother of their own and you've known them since babies aside, I think it odd tbh.

There is a reason why we love our DCs more than anything. It's natural and to expect that love from someone who isn't your child's parent is so SO unreasonable imo.

People may say they do for an easy life but I imagine most don't.

I think that is a very important point, well made