Putting DSC first

[CauliWobble]

Why are stepmums expected to put the DSC first always? They aren't their children. They might have careers and lives of their own. The DSC has too parents but all too often you see..treat them as your own, they are your family, the kids come first. Yes to their parents but not to the stepparent. As long as they are kind and friendly why is it expected by so many that they have to make more sacrifices than they already are. Why is it so taboo to say "they aren't my child so no".

Honestly when I hear people say they love DSC they met at 10 who has an involved mother already as much as their own baby/child I just think... Yeah...course you do.

Are there really mothers who want their ex's new wife to "take a parental role" with their child?

When it suits them yes.

My husband my SS1 stepdad does do all those things tho. I can’t drive so he takes him to all his clubs (stands in the rain cheering him on while I’m home and dry 🤣) he cooks his dinner and washes his uniform just the same as he cooks and does anyone else’s washing. He helps him with his homework. Also In our house the big discipline is left to me for ds1 by our mutual agreement but DH has every right to tell ds1 off if he’s doing something naughty or badly behaved and I have zero issue with that. DH and I have two Children together as well and all 3 are treated the same at home (ds1 is here 50:50)

on the flip side ds1 SM has the very hands off attitude a lot of SM posting here want / have and im 1000% behind that it’s her choice what level of relationship and involvement she wants in his life. I would never ask or expect her to do childcare or parenting things for ds1. Whatever arrangement his dad and his SM have is up to them. I would never expect her or her children to miss out or not do something because ds1 isn’t there or because his dad can afford it (not the case but hypothetically)

being a stepparent is hard work and often you auto get assigned the villain role unfairly. My sons SM has my upmost respect

Me too. It’s also how all the SP I know IRL behave.- I don’t know anyone who’d act like posters on here claim to 🤷‍♀️ I wonder whether it’s because of the nature of the site- people are more likely to post on a SP board if they’re unhappy with how things are.

Strange. But then I never understand how many people need / feel they deserve to have regular "breaks" from their children

Do you ever wonder if it's because on here is anonymous so people are being far more honest about how they actually feel than they may be to your face considering you agree step parents should be expected to love and treat them like their own?

When they are in our house - they are treated like mine. Expected to clear up and will be told to pick things up and not be a slob.
If I would not say it to my DC then I will not say it to SDC and vice versa.

I do not understand this I do not discipline etc when they are here, tell them to tidy up etc - they have a Dad to do that. Yes they do but equally getting them to clear their crap up takes me two seonds rather than waiting till their DF is in the room, had the scenario explained etc.

Child in my house, same rules, same expectations, delivered in same manner - be that DC, SDC, BFF cousins, nieces etc

They get to do the same chores as your DC but do you also give them the same good things as your DC?

There might be a bit of that, certainly, but I’m pretty honest with my friends and they are with me 🤷‍♀️ I just think it sounds like a really difficult way to live.

I just think it sounds like a really difficult way to live.

In what way? Why is it difficult to not love someone else's children like your own? Why must all children be loved the same?

I think a lot of people are having you on personally if they say they love their partners children the same as their own kids.

It's not. Its quite straightforward, calm and respectful. Every one knows who they are to each other. No false pretenses. All good.

Cool, I’m just talking about my own experience.

Cool, me too

I'm not being shitty I'm curious as to why it's 'difficult to live like that' when it comes to not loving DSC like your own?

Well this thread took a weird turn.

Thing is there's no right way to step parent as every blended family is different. It has different players different personalities and you have to be able to flex to the needs of everyone in the family and wider family. They aren't gonna look the same because there are more cogs to the wheel and it's naive to think otherwise.

Unless anyone has a guide to blended families that ensures a happy peaceful life, I wouldn't assume on either side one has the moral high ground or other families are desperately unhappy because they are different from your own.

I would also say that unless I know a person and they are a sm it's highly unlikely I'm going to share what goes down in my family because it's tedious. I don't have to justify my feelings to anyone and it's boring having to always start from the place of your a sm = evil with people. It's also incredibly dull talking to people who need to hear "you love them as your own to assure them I'm not the devil in carnation."

People forget the default to assume someone's guilty is wrong, apparently not when it comes to step mums.

Also like Fuck would I want my Dd to treat my DH like her father, she has one and he's fine. I also wouldn't want my Dd sm to step into mum role as I am not dead. There's simply no need. But then I don't feel like people need to make up to Dd for having to homes, some people blame the wrong people imo

You're misquoting the PP. The expression used was "love a stepchild and treat them just like you would your own child" not "love a stepchild like your own". Of course it's a different relationship but it can still be a loving relationship.

You're also misquoting me. I said "I just think it sounds like a really difficult way to live" and for me it would be. I'm talking about my own situation and experiences, not yours. HTH.

@Narcheska that sounds ideal, although I think your husband is in the minority! Sounds like a good set up all round.

I think that's the key isn't it, there's no right way to do it, you've got to find what works for you. The hard bit is when views clash, ie one family and the other with the child in the middle. Everything's easier when the adults can be civil.

Can I just ask anyone who thinks you should love/treat them like your own ie be an extra parent - would you honestly want another woman acting as mother to your child?

For me dps ex wanted me to treat him like my own where money was involved, but back off whenever she wanted me to because "you're nothing to do with him" etc etc. I think treating them like your own is actually pretty unrealistic for most of us where they have two living parents.

I do! I have a fantastic relationship with my DD stepmum. I love the fact that she adores my DD. The more love my DD has the better imo. I completely agree that love for step children is a totally different kind of love that I have for my DD but it's still love. And all children get treated exactly the same in our house regardless of who is biologically who's.
Im happy for stepmum to discipline, care, be involved in as much or as little school as she likes. It works really well for us. I have a very similar relationship with my DSDs mum. We are just one huge blended, co-parenting family.
I appreciate its not always going to work for everyone but it works for us.

You're also misquoting me. I said "I just think it sounds like a really difficult way to live" and for me it would be. I'm talking about my own situation and experiences, not yours. HTH.

It read to me like PP was saying you should love AND treat DSC like your own. As in both things should be done to the same level as your own children.

And I'm not misquoting you, I'm asking you why you'd find it a difficult way to live. What would be difficult about it?

That's refreshing @Isthisbatcountry I wish dps ex had been like you!

It's lovely. But i completely get that it's not that way for everyone. I have a DSD too and the relationship with his mum is the complete opposite. Very difficult.

There is no light - what sort of question is that.

Do I make their favourite cakes, buy their favourite biscuits, juice etc yes I do . Have I taken them for a spa day yes ( they are girls my two are boys) have I taken the boys carting - yes. Has my DP taken my boys carting yes - taken his daughters carting yes but not taken them to a spa. Why wouldn't I.

They get presents from their step sibs and I but not to the extent to usurp their parents. Like I said benevolent aunt not third parent.

Seriously it is not difficult.

You’d be surprised @lookluv