Putting DSC first

[CauliWobble]

Why are stepmums expected to put the DSC first always? They aren't their children. They might have careers and lives of their own. The DSC has too parents but all too often you see..treat them as your own, they are your family, the kids come first. Yes to their parents but not to the stepparent. As long as they are kind and friendly why is it expected by so many that they have to make more sacrifices than they already are. Why is it so taboo to say "they aren't my child so no".

That sounds great. And you’re happy for her to take your DD for a hair cut with a new style, make decisions about ear piercing etc? Take tickets to nativity plays and attend parents evening? Arrange play dates with school mums? Talk to her about puberty and periods?

Pretty much yes to all of those. Most decisions would be talked over first between us beforehand to make sure we're all on the same page. But yeah, shes taken her for hair cuts, attended nativity, taken her for play dates with her own friends. I actually talked DSD through her first period because she was with me at the time. I dont see an issue with any of those, if its all in the best interest of DD then I'm more than happy for step mum to play an active role. Step mum will take a back seat if it's something I would prefer to deal with but we all tend to consult each other in the process. I trust step mum not to make any rash decisions I.e she won't take DD out to get a piercing without discussing it first. We're all really sensible about things. I think its great she has another woman in her life to talk about the periods etc, more opinions/points of view. DD can make her own mind up for herself. Takes a village and all that...

@bloodybindweed yes I agree it does seem expected
And also i can't see how it is the same for all, every situation will be very unique for various reasons
No all children have two active actual parents for example for many reasons , therefore the dynamic will be different
Also same as if you become a step parent when the dsc are 2 compared to 14 it will be very different again
There is no right/ wrong just what works for each family surely

There is no right/ wrong just what works for each family surely

yep. Many issues I think arise from different styles of parenting. Dsc mum/stepdad and dh and I parent very differently.

the piercing thing, for example. I don’t agree with it until at least teenage years when they can decide, care for the piercing etc. step mum did dsd at 3. She also had a blanket rule of no extra curriculars after primary school, this was a biggie for us as we very much encourage it. Sdc would see my kids being ferried to swimming lessons, weekends away for galas etc, but if they asked we’d set it up, they’d go once or twice then mum would say no. Eldest dsc brought it up recently that mine had had all this stuff whereas they got nothing. They don’t realise we sacrificed holidays to pay for it all, where dsc’s mum and stepdad took them on 2 luxury AI every year. Just different lifestyles- they thought holidays were important, we thought EC was.

sad thing is sdc think they’ve lost out or got less compared to my kids, we spent more money on mine etc. Doesn’t help that mum encourages that idea.

@Reallyreallyborednow sad thing is sdc think they’ve lost out or got less compared to my kids, we spent more money on mine etc. Doesn’t help that mum encourages that idea.

It's sad because it's probably not just mum but the social narrative around step families also encourage this.

Kids even in nuclear families get jealous of their siblings getting more attention/money ect but in a blended family people are quicker to put it down down to being in blended family but actually it's pretty normal thoughts no matter the family set up.

Do you have any SC and children of your own?

Yep

My DSC were on an equal footing to my DC - their dad was the resident parent and they only saw their mum once in a blue moon, so I was de facto in that role, the younger one wanted me at parents evenings, uni visits and so on. But if push had come to shove and my DC was being treated less favourably I wouldn't have had that. Luckily DH loved his kids equally and they have always been close despite having large age gaps (oldest was 19 when DS was born). I think our set up wasn't usual though, so probably not a fair example.

I do think its totally different if Mother has sadly passed or is out of the picture. You all live together 100% of the time, you're a family unit under one roof. Your DH doesn't communicate with ex etc. they no longer have a Mother and essentially they 'need' a Mother figure. Whereas children that have 2 parents dont. You also dont have your own children so its hard to understand the intense love that brings.

In regards to stepdads - men and women are just different. Emotionally and mentally different. I truely believe men dont feel as deeply as women do and they dont have that natural motherly instinct women who have grown their own babies feel therefore men find it easier to love others children but deep down, still dont believe they love the exact same way as their own (if they have their own).