Step grandchildren and wills

[Mellowyellow222]

Just looking for a sanity check.

my did is executor of his sisters will. She recently updated it following her husbands death(well a couple of years ago - but she can only now face it).

she has decided to leave all her investments and cash to her three grandchildren and her home split evenly between her two children.

her daughter ‘Jill’ has two children and her son ‘Paul ’ has one.

Paul remarried about two years ago and now has three step children.

mu aunt has told Paul about the will and he became very angry that his step children were excluded. His wife has said as she and her children are not considered family she will not engage with my aunt anymore.

my aunt has met one of the three children (who is an adult) once and the younger two three times. She sees her grandchildren every week. It’s bonkers that she is expected to consider them her grandchildren.

I have told my aunt and my dad to not worry as step children have no legal rights unless they have been adopted - which is now impossible for one and unlikely for the 17 and 16 year olds.

but are we all off base here? Do those of you who have step children who you ‘acquired’ in their teens expect your parents to consider them as grandchildren.

my aunt is kind to them - sends Christmas and birthday presents etc. But there is no relationship there. They don’t think of her as their granny.

There's no right or wrong answer. If the children are being treated equally by her son then it does seem like they aren't part of the family, but you also say they don't have much to do with your aunt. A gift of a smaller proportion would be my personal suggestion if the son is treating them like his own, my parents buy nominal gifts for my partner's children for instance and include in family gatherings (they are adults)

I actually think the politically correct and easier option is to split the money between the children and leave it to them if they wish to pass on money to the grandchildren.

Buying a nominal gift at Christmas is very different to leaving something in your will which means your actual grandchild receives less.

I buy nominal gifts for my friends children at Christmas and birthdays. I'm not going to leave something in my will to them and I'm probably closer to them than this aunt is these children!

then it does seem like they aren't part of the family

Because they aren't part of the aunts, not in any meaningful way anyway? They barely know each other. I have plenty of people in my wider family that I rarely see and know very little about. I don't need to include them all in my will.

If her son is so desperate to treat them all equally he can, it doesn't mean the rest of his family must. He can split his own share with them if it's such a concern.

If I were one of these adult step children I'd be horrified and thoroughly embarrassed that my parent / step parent had kicked up a fuss about this! I'd never dream of inheriting from a woman I barely know!

As OP says, this may mean her grandchild gets nothing from her dad.

She’s being perfectly fair.

it’s very different when someone is brought up from a young age as a grandchild and then is cut out later and the scenario where someone is expecting some teens and an adult to inherit from a woman they’ve met a couple of times.

Thats just bonkers.

and you can bet if his sister met someone next week with 6 kids he wouldn’t be insisting they were given a share…

How is that “easier”? Surely it would be easier for her son to just realise that his mother is entitled to split her will between her close relatives how she chooses.

he can then choose what he does with his share.

Presumably the mum feel her son would ignore his daughter which is exactly what she’s trying to avoid.

Tell your aunt to ask Paul what arrangements the step kid's father's parents have made with regard to inheritance. Have they left anything to Paul's kids by first wife?

(I'll bet they haven't)

I can't get my head around anyone suggesting that the aunt is in anyway obligated to include Paul's sdc in her arrangements! It's bonkers!
If Paul wants to leave his own estate between his dc & sdc that's his business & is a different discussion, but his mum is under absolutely NO obligation to 'equalise' things & if she wants to provide for her dgc that's her business & her business alone.
Quite frankly Paul & his dw sound like a major piece of entitled work!

This! Ask Paul and his wife this question. How many members of her family will be including his daughter in their wills?

Be blunt...

Wow. They absolutely do not have to count as gc for inheritance purposes

There’s no right or wrong.

What i would say though is that leaving the money to the grandchildren and bypassing the children sends a very clear message that she doesn’t want those children to be considered in any way shape or form.

She has no relationship with them, that’s understandable, and if she had split her estate into 3rds with a 3rd being given to each child and then the rest being split between the grandchildren, it would be more understandable, but essentially she’s made the message clear that she wants to ensure that Paul doesn’t even give any of the money to those other children who aren’t a part of her family.

I think your aunt is totally right to want pass an amount of inheritance directly to her grandchildren, it's her money and her decision!

If Paul is so concerned about his DSC he can give them an amount equal to his DD's inheritance from his half share of the house...I'm betting he won't!!!

I just don’t understand why people insist on ‘the SC are part of the family’ as some sort of unassailable argument in these kind of scenarios. Do the people saying this stuff ever stop to consider whether the children feel that their stepparents’ extended family are their family? Or even want to?

Stepfamilies are complex assemblages. They include a whole range of people who just are not linked in the same ways. The married couple are not both parents to any or all the children. The children may variously be step-siblings, resident half-siblings, nonresident half-siblings, siblings. There may be huge age gaps. Stepsiblings may barely even know one another (depending on contact patterns).

There are as many nonrelations as there are relations. Half siblings only share one set of grandparents. They may never have even met their half-sibling’s maternal grandparents (because they’re the grandparents attached to the family in the other household). Some of the children might have cousins who aren’t anything to do with the others. And so on.

Even where there is some relatedness, it doesn’t mean it’s meaningful for either of the related parties. Here the children barely know the woman. They certainly don’t think if her as any kind of grandmother.

The problem is the stupidly rigid idea of ‘family’ so often pedalled on this board. It just isn’t that simple.

The problem is the stupidly rigid idea of ‘family’ so often pedalled on this board. It just isn’t that simple
Absolutely this. Plus the idea that it's a black and white choice, either they are "family" and completely equal in every way to ones one children or grandchildren or you must have cast them out in the cold, dark night, condemned to a life of bitterness and anguish.
It's hard to to take some posters seriously when the cannot understand different people have different relationships.

She’s not completely bypassing her children though, they’re getting a split of a million pound house.

but essentially she’s made the message clear that she wants to ensure that Paul doesn’t even give any of the money to those other children who aren’t a part of her family.
And that's exactly her perogative! It's her money to do with as she sees fit! There doesn't need to be any hand wringing here - the sdc are the financial responsibility of THEIR parents & THEIR families, and Paul - if he so chooses & if he does so choose then he can give from his pot!

People can leave their assets to the cats home if they wish, and that applies even if they have a family. None of us (in England) are entitled to inherit anything!

@Hbh17 - precisely!
Lord but these squabbles & expectations over who is entitled to what would put you off leaving anything to anyone.
Inheritance is not a right! It's a choice on the part of any of us to leave what we may have to whomever or whatever we so choose.

If Paul wants his step children so benefit from the inheritance then Paul needs to give them an equal amount from his share.

Grandma should not be expected to leave money to step children who she barely knows and I say that as an adult with a 'step' grandma who has recently decided on her will and I'm left out of it. I would never expect any money and we have a great relationship but I'm not her biological grandchild.

Absolutely not. I have a good relationship with my 3 DS And especially DD 16 as she lives with us full time no really contact with mum but I've still been clear that anything we leave for the kids from our wills or pensions etc will be spilt so anything I leave goes soley to our DS and my DH share of anything gets spilt 3 /4 ways (because he has a step son also who he's like a dad too) ways between his children because they have their mum and step dad to inherit from whereas my son only has us and is 12 years younger than the youngest step child.

His family aren't happy but I'm not really bothered it's got nothing to do with my feelings for then it's a logical spilt and of course I want my son to gain from my savings / Investments etc

I made it clear I'd happily contribute towards cars / deposits from a home etc it's only the will aspect I'm splitting this way when I'm gone.

His family aren't happy
Why are people informing the world and his dog about the content of their wills?
It's incredibly odd.

I did wonder. If your Will is legally and clearly drawn up by a professional why the need to give the details out to people who could argue with and cause bad feelings whilst you're still alive about what THEY think should happen with your money? 🌹

It stops questions after you die and (should) save the executor from being the one that has to break controversial news.

It also removes any doubt that it was an error, coercion from the other beneficiaries or the likes.

if folks are going to do something controversial or hurtful they shouldn’t leave it to someone else to break the news.

My mil is leaving her house between her 2 sons and money/savings/jewelry after funeral costs between her 3 dgd's and my 2 children from first marriage and our foster son. Mil has been a fantastic Nan to my 2 from first marriage. Eldest 16 and youngest 8 at time of our marriage. However both my son's treat her as their Nan. Throughout his childhood she took youngest son for a week every year so DH and I could have a romantic week on our own every year. Now mil is now 80 and both my adult sons drive separately 150 miles to visit her every 8 weeks or so. They send her flowers. Chat to her each week on phone. It works both ways. She has been so lovely to them and always treated them equally with her blood grandchildren. Also she is lovely to our foster son who sees her as his only grandparent. Face times her every week and we all travel up to see her every 10 weeks or so. We go on different weeks to my son's so she gets visitors more often.