Anyone else wanting to post but scared to?

[Moolight]

Just that really...

I'm really struggling with my current situation as a full-time step-parent and could really do with support and advice. Would love to post on here to get that from other step-parents but the way threads go on this board I'm scared to because I'm feeling quite vulnerable and don't think I could take the torrent of posts from posters who really seem to take issue with stepmums ever finding it difficult.

Just post and try to ignore any arseholery- it’s the step parenting board, created for SPs (let’s face it - mainly SMs!) to vent.

Don’t let them scare you away from getting support from YOUR board, just don’t give them the oxygen they’re looking for. There are plenty of us here who will understand, having gone through it all, and can offer advice or just a friendly listening ear.

Hi OP, these days there are quite a few lovely posters on this board who have lots of wisdom.
Don’t be afraid to post for help as that’s what this board is for.
There will be some twatty comments from people either too deluded or too bitter (or both) which you have to filter through. But please be assured there will be lots of helpful comments too and the twatty comments are usually challenged anyway.

I've never started my own thread for that reason, not in real life anyway.
I have in my head though as I've been around long enough to know roughly what the regular posters would say, good and bad.
There are far too many posters who will point blank refuse to read what you actually said in the rush to give you abuse for breathing. I don't need the aggravation to be honest.

Yes, me. Lots of dynamics in our stepfamily that I'd love help to reflect on, but I don't know if the internet is the place. I don't want to be told that everyone but me is the problem as that doesn't seem realistic; but also conversely, that I'm a horrible person for wanting my own needs met, or being honest about them on an anonymous forum. My partner and I - and his teens too - are all just flawed people trying to make it work. It's rarely black and white in the real world.

I find it illuminating, the amount of bile thrown at SMs. And instructive, if you ubderstand the bile-thowers as unhappy step-kids with Daddy issues who blame SM for all the dissapointments Daddy rained on them. As in, whatever you do, or don't do, you will always be the villain. If I had my time again I'd find it liberating and atop trying so hard.

You'll know who's here to just be a dick. You can ignore them if you think the genuine posters could help.

There's the Sm support thread if you need it. Bumps around and I think it doesn't get half as much attention because of the boring title in active. You can always post in there. A lot of the regular SMs chat in there. Does get the odd incoming missile but not half as much

You can always name change and post. Please don't listen to the bile btw. For all the loud angry posters, you will know them by username therefore easier to avoid reading their comments at all.

Hope your ok. Blended families are hard and not everyone on this board is a 🛎 end.

The support thread is a good place to go. If nothing else, the rest of us will most definitely stand up to support our support thread territory from the usual crap.

If you feel more comfortable you can name change. And also I would just scroll past any comments that start to get a bit nasty and look for those that seem to understand where you are coming from, they tend to offer the most constructive advice.

I know what you mean. I never post anything about genuine issues I might be having with BM because I know I'd get ripped to shreds regardless of what the issue is.

Thankfully nothing too bad comes up for me anymore but I worry about the impact some of these comments have on people who are already struggling.

If only there were a ‘hide poster’ function. Even if the hiding was limited to the particular thread.

Yes I have kind of just had to learn to filter them in my brain otherwise I get so angry at some of the horrible stuff that gets said to people who are often quite vulnerable and being brave in posting.

@Moolight
I really don't care what other people think if you have something to write write it, some posters can be dicks and just here to stir the pot don't reply will piss them of even more tbh.

Half of them that reply aren't even sm so have no right to be on the board, you can't win as sk seem to have the high moral on this even over your own kids lol.

@Moolight do as others have said and go to the support threads - there's some genuinely lovely people on there who will give you good support and advice.
You need a very thick skin to start a new thread on here - especially at the moment. That being said it's the same names that crop up again & again 'yelling' on about how awful every single sm is so you do learn to just not read their horrible posts.

Some of the nasty posters are children of separated parents and have useless fathers (the ones that say I was that step child but then go on to describe a situation that is nothing like the op). Because they they love their dads it was easier to blame their step mother for the lack of love and care they received at their dad's so they come on here to vent those feelings.

I don't think this excuses their behaviour on here but it explains it. So please try not to take it to heart they are triggered and lashing out.

And the others are the ones that are angry that their ex left them and married the OW

I agree. I've been flamed before and stopped posting. Mum's can do no wrong on MN and dads and step mums will always be the villains. I tried the support thread and just got ignored.

@girlmom21 agreed with

And the others are the ones that are angry that their ex left them and married the OW

That said my ex DH did exactly this and I rather like her tbh, people have a choice on how they act regardless of how hurt they are.

Also I suspect though large percentage of SM aren't or weren't the other OW and I imagine that would grate on people it being suggested.

Yes. This board definitely sees the legacy of people displacing the blame away from their parents on to the ‘outsider’. It’s a real
shame that they cannot see beyond this coping mechanism from their childhood (which is what it is) and use the experiences outlined here to better understand the problem in their own lives.

But that is hard. It’s hard to accept that your dad let you (and everyone else) down and was happy for the SM to take the blame. That’s not a comfortable train of thought at all.

The problem is that it’s pretty nasty to take this out on women posting for support in difficult stepfamily situations. And also
that it’s reinforced by the group of ex-W who (for a whole host of their own personal reasons) need the SM to be the villain in all circumstances, and a general ‘won’t anyone think of the children?’-fuelled unwillingness to thinking critically or do anything other than blame the outsider character.

Ironically, this is often framed through social science languages of ‘othering’ where the (clearly Othered) stepmother is berated for Othering her SC.

It’s a mess.

I can't speak for the other threads but I have created the current one and you can always tag me if you need a chat, vent ect.

Granted comments can move very fast so if comments are missed please don't take it personally. It's rather a annoying fact of the way we have to create the thread rather than allow a safe space for people to post without being harassed but it's the current state of play !

The OW assumption is also a big issue. Yes.

The majority of SM were not OW. But it’s so often the default assumption. And, even if they were, they are caught in that general misogynistic trap where the OW is seen as the villain not the cheating husband.

OW or not, a SM makes a brilliant shield for a man letting people down.

It’s also tied up with a weird narrative where cheated upon women are almost encouraged never to get over it. This comes up on threads about children’s weddings (in particular) where SM are to be excluded on the basis that the bride or groom’s mother is still too upset to be in the same room as that dreadful woman who stole her husband 15 years ago. She can and will sit at a table and pose for photos with the man who actually broke his wedding vows to her. But his wife is an unacceptable presence.

(Just for the record, lurking usual suspects, I was never the OW. I’ve never been one. Yet, I have had my SC’s mother and grandmother treat me as if I were because that suits their purposes. It is made even more absurd by the fact that the SC’s parents marriage ended because of their mother’s adultery. In MIL’s case, it’s a weird projection because FIL cheated on her with his now wife of 30-odd years.).

In general, a SM is a brilliant figure for blaming everything and anything on. That’s why she’s always in the bloody wrong no matter what. A SC could brutally murder her and it would somehow have been her fault for many people.

@SoggyPaper everything in your last post is absolutely spot on! Everything!

All of this is so true. I think so much of it is projection of their own fears or issues. Even some who are in settled marriages seem to have issue with stepmums purely because for them the thought of a stepmum being in their children's life is too much to handle. They take issue with the stepmums who say that they see their stepchildren as their own but then also kick off if a stepmum says that they are not her children and don't love them as they do their biological kids. It's a no-win.

I agree with this.

My Dads second wife was awful, and his third (current wife) is even worse. Not to mention the four girlfriends in between.

But he’s even worse than the pair of them combined, and my anger lies with him, not them.

Conversely, my step dad is great, was married to my Mum for 15 years, they divorced 7 years ago and he’s still very much a part of my life.

It’s easier for kids to blame the wife. Because accepting that your Dad is a piece of shit is really, really hard and destructive to the soul, frankly.

I was about 10 when I realised it all the shit started and ended with him, and in my 20s when I realised he deserved his horrid wives 😬

My kids have a wonderful step mother, thank fuck. She’s like the Cool Aunt they don’t have cos I only have brothers. What happens behind closed doors, I’m not a party to, but my kids adore her, and that’s more than enough for me.

I mean, she could find my kids annoying as all Hell, but she’s never let on to them. And if she did, I’d just nod my head in agreement, because, well, they bloody well are at times!