AIBU for being upset

[knackerednellie]

I have been with my DH for 5 years. We have both been married before and both have 2 children each (me 2 x DS and DH has one DD and one DS) within our previous marriages. DH children are 23 and 16 and my DS are 20 and almost 18.

I have always (as a result of being from a 'broken family' myself) insisted that our children are treated equally.

This has been easier with the boys as they live with us - DSS Mon to Friday (he goes to his mums at weekends).
DSD lives with her DP and has just had a baby.
I am over the moon for her and went to visit her today to meet my DH granddaughter .. I sent ahead a gift from "Nannie and Grandpa" as I want DH and my future GCH to be treated the same with no exceptions.
I was so looking forward to welcoming my DSD daughter and my DSGD (though to me DGD) into my life. But when we arrived, right in front of us, perched on the mantle piece was a massive picture of my DH with his ex wife (DSDD mother).
They have been been divorced for over 16 here.
The picture was in a broken frame the glass was smashed but it had been obviously placed to be on full view.

IABU to be so upset

I agree, however I probably would have asked first about the Nannie name, just to check were the parents happy or did they want a different name.

My DH has been in DS's life since he was 2, he's brought him up (Dad very much EOW parent), I still won't just assume DH will get a grandparent name when DS has children. I'll be upset if he doesn't (internally), but won't just assume it. DS still has a relationship with his Dad, and it should be up to DS who gets what role.

DH gained a step mother as an adult, grandchildren were born within a few years of them meeting. She's always been known as her first name. She was offered to be called "Auntie " but she didn't want it. Shame really as she doesn't have any grandchildren of her own, but that's her choice.

That’s why I said maybe.

There might be not be sleepovers or days our etc.

just like some step mothers become mother figures to their step kids and some don’t, op may not end up with a grand parent relationship with them.

my point is that we have no clue really. But saying it will definitely be one way, because it is in your family, makes no sense.

But we always choose names for children to call other people, that's the way it goes. You don't call yourself by your name and let your child decide whether or not to call you mum when they are old enough to talk. We ALL choose initially what we are going to get a child to call us, grandma or nan, gran or grannie etc etc (within a family obviously).

My point was, why would you not just choose a grandparent type name for OP to be called (like everyone else in the family), given that she's very likely to be seen by the children as some sort of grandparent and be thankful that your kid has another family member to love them?

All this talk of letting the children decide the name as they may just want to call them by her name is about the DSD or the mum not wanting the kids to call her anything imo, like I say, about their feelings.

If you call her nannie and then the DC decide to call her by her name instead when they are older then fair enough that's up to them. But the adults choosing the name now is what everyone does. Choosing a name for OP is no different to choosing a name for her husband to be to them.

Could you get your DH to ask her?

We had discussions about grandparent names before DD was born. My parents are divorced and my dad’s been remarried 25 years. My mum is amazing and asked my step mum what title she’d like so they weren’t both the same and I was happy for step mum to be a regular grandma name, she’s never been a mother figure to me but she’s been in my life decades. It just came up naturally over time so everyone was happy.

Assuming a title was risky, which I see you realise, so go back to the drawing board and get DH to have a chat.

Trying to be completely equal when the DC were so much older when you got together was naive even though it came from a good place.

Hope you manage to sort it all out.

Exactly.

My DH and I met when my DDs were 24, 22, and 17. They see him as Stepdad... not just my partner.

DD32 (was 24 when we met) had a baby last year and another this year. She decided she'd like my DH to be called Pop.

I was at her house the other day looking at the baby's baby book. There's a family tree in it and where it says grandfather DD wrote my DHs name next to mine for grandmother.

Maybe that's why I see it the way I do. I can understand other people's points of view. I'm just offering mine and it may be skewed by the circumstances I'm in.

But I'm not so daft that I can't understand why many of you are saying differently.

I doubt Jesus wept over my comment though. A little dramatic.

I wouldn't like a picture of me and her father up at her house. I think it is kind to think of the other person's (OPs) feelings and not place it so prominently in the house. I think it's unkind to not think of the other person's feelings. But yes... it's her house. She can do whatever she wants in her own home.

And... yes after having a baby you might act differently than normal because hormones are raging. I had terrible postpartum depression, so I understand that.

But I still think OPs feelings are valid and I still see no problem with either her or her OH discussing it with SD. Personally I'd ask my DD to put it in a different place or take it down, but I can talk to her about anything and she can say "no" if she wants without a big to-do.

And I still think OPs place in the family is just as important as everyone else's place in the family.

The picture was of my DH and his ex on their wedding day which I think is why I felt so uncomfortable.

But it's not. It's a picture of DSD"s parent on their wedding day. Reframe the thought. It's not about your relationships with everyone, it's about their relationships with each other.

FWIW I have 6 'grandparents'. One was in my mum's life very early, he was definitely a grandfather. One wasn't in my dad's life early, she was an Auntie.

FIL's GF is her name to DD, even though she's obsessed! (And very kind and caring). But MIL died and no one is taking that name from her.

I see no problem of SD having picture of her parents together that's her family and history. My DD calls my SM Nana SMs Name. SM and DF got together when I was 17 so not a mother figure to me My mum is grandma I think there's nothing wrong with calling nana/grandma the more people who love my DD the better.

I think you're really overthinking this. If the photo is in a smashed frame I bet it is old. I bet she's just found it and placed it up on the shelf without a second thought.

It is her parents on her wedding day it's a nice photo for her have to keep.

You clearly mean well. I can see why sd might think you were overstepping but it might be something else.

Don't read into the photo thing. I think it easy to end up being nostalgic when you've just had a baby and I wouldn't be surprised if the frame is normally hidden when you visit but she forgot.

Either way talk to SD about how she feels. Hopefully a compromise can be made

Yeah it will 100% be the Nannie thing. My own grandmother who got remarried tried this with my children with her husband. Nope his not their great grandad. His her husband and that’s are far as it goes like his not my grandad or step grandad or anything like that. He is his name.

"The picture was in a broken frame the glass was smashed but it had been obviously placed to be on full view."

Did you ask about the broken glass? I'd have had to ask about the broken glass!

You shouldn't have assumed to be called nanny, that's really overstepping even if it was with good intentions.
That's for the parents to decide.
My son has only got one grandad, that's my grandad, my dad died when I was a child and my ex didn't want his stepdad to be called grandad, that was my ex's choice, not mine or his mother's or his step dads.
My mum has had the same partner since my son was a baby, he calls him by his name also, he's not his grandad, even though he is kind and caring towards him.
My sister has just had a baby and my mum is refering to her partner as grandad, without consultant, my sister is not happy and everyone in the family with boundaries are respecting my sister's wishes as it's her choice and she doesn't want it for her own reasons.

YABU I'm afraid.

It's her home and they're her parents.You don't get to control what pictures other people can have.You can't rewrite history.

Also it was overstepping to call yourself nannie without asking - you arent her stepmother in the sense that she was an adult when you met. She probably doesn't see you in that role.

Yanbu to feel upset. Of course you felt ambushed to walk in brimming with warm feelings and instead faced with an unexpected photo of your DH getting married to his ex.

If it was the first time in her house it would be different as you'd be looking around for the first time but this has just appeared and you're confused about the motive.

My MIL is a nasty piece of work. We thankfully live in another city. She likes to guilt my partner into visiting then makes staying basically impossible because she's abusive and cruel. I have little to do with her but go to hold his hand on our short visits. The last time we called in unexpectedly. All was ok. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and change the baby. When I returned the previously empty sideboard now had a wedding day photo of my partner with his ex sitting proudly on it. I'm used to her so I burst out laughing when I saw it.

I think in your situation the issue is that you don't know why she put the photo up and you're feeling foolish and upset about the nanny thing. It could be that or it could be one of the other reasons listed.

I think you should ignore the photo and just ask her how she wants you to refer to yourself to the baby. If it's not nanny and you say fine the photo will probably disappear. If she's happy with the nanny the photo is probably perfectly innocent.

I would be very pissed off with someone who married my parent when I was an adult referring to themselves as granny/grandad. They are my parents spouse. You overstepped and over reacted. Also your husbands daughter is entitled to have a photo of her parents together in her own house, it might have been a dog, it might be for another reason.

To me its not about who is upset with what. It's about communication and acting like an adult vs a passive aggressive child.

The only excuse DD has (and it IS a good one) if she put it up because she was upset is that her hormones are raging. Otherwise she should have acted like an adult and just discussed it with her dad.

All this passive aggressive nonsense as adults instead of communication is ridiculous. But again.... I'd definitely understand if she's acting that way because she just had a baby.

At this point, it is what it is and the only options are to get over it or discuss it with her or have your OH discuss it with her.

If you choose not to have anyone discuss it with her then you should just get over it... imo.

What are you upset about ? You have no biological connection to the baby.

Your step daughter has just had a baby and probably put the picture there because it is the only photo she has of the baby's grandparents together. It is not as if your husband and his ex are going to pose for a family photo with the baby.

And may be she wants the photos there to see her parents and have happy memories, to see her parents together now that she is a mother.

I think you overstepped the mark by signing your card nannie. That probably annoyed the ex wife.

I'm unsure if this is the first time you've been to her house. If it is I would find it strange st all. If its just appeared that would be odd.
Have you discussed what her child will be calling you? I don't think that's for you to decide. You could express a preference but that should be presented through your husband to his daughter. Maybe she's making a point that her baby already has a grandma....and it's not you. Possibly even her mum put it there...who knows.
YNUB for being a little wounded but you can't force a relationship.

It's only about you if you make it that way

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

option 1 - Don't rise to her bait with the photo (just ignore it)

option 2 - Send her a new frame and say you noticed the beautiful pic of mum and dad was broken and you thought she'd like a new frame (not recommended! 😉)

I agree with others the Nannie thing was not what she wanted and although well intended was probably a bit OTT.

I'd ask your partner to have a word with his DD... knackerednellie and I wanted to know what you want us to be called

Good luck x

How long have you been with your partner for? I have no kids but my brother has two. Our parents split up when we were both under 5 and my SM has been in our lives since I was 7 and my brother was 9. My nephews call my SM nanny and my mum has no issue with that what so ever. My brother and I wouldn’t dream of having a photo of our mum and dad together in our homes because to be honest that’s not normal to me anyway. A photo of our dad and SM yes a photo of mum yes or even them all together at an event. I can see why you felt weird about it but we were both very young when parents split up so for us it’s not normal. A graduation photo of her and parents I get but not their wedding photo