AIBU for being upset

[knackerednellie]

I have been with my DH for 5 years. We have both been married before and both have 2 children each (me 2 x DS and DH has one DD and one DS) within our previous marriages. DH children are 23 and 16 and my DS are 20 and almost 18.

I have always (as a result of being from a 'broken family' myself) insisted that our children are treated equally.

This has been easier with the boys as they live with us - DSS Mon to Friday (he goes to his mums at weekends).
DSD lives with her DP and has just had a baby.
I am over the moon for her and went to visit her today to meet my DH granddaughter .. I sent ahead a gift from "Nannie and Grandpa" as I want DH and my future GCH to be treated the same with no exceptions.
I was so looking forward to welcoming my DSD daughter and my DSGD (though to me DGD) into my life. But when we arrived, right in front of us, perched on the mantle piece was a massive picture of my DH with his ex wife (DSDD mother).
They have been been divorced for over 16 here.
The picture was in a broken frame the glass was smashed but it had been obviously placed to be on full view.

IABU to be so upset

100% agree with this

Agree with above poster, hit the nail on the head, YANBU!

I'm sure she wouldn't want to go to PILs and see a picture of her SO and his ex.

Yes, but she has a picture of HER OWN PARENTS in her house. It's not remotely the same. Very very weird not to get that.

And OP entered her life at 18. Of course her own parents are important and OP isn't really.

FIL's new GF is desperate to make DD her surrogate granddaughter. It's sweet but she simply isn't her grandmother.

I think it's rude of her not to respect your place in the family
Which is what, exactly? Her fathers partner? Definitely.
"Nannie" to her children? Without discussion? No.

Why on earth would having a picture of her own parents in view in her own home hurt you? If you get along fine, it is just as likely that she forgot to remove it this time. Or even more likely, having a newborn has brought feelings of 'family' to the forefront and she's really feeling that connection.

You cannot dictate that all the gc are treated the same, you just can't. There are too many variables, especially when you came into their lives so late and, really, not that long ago. I would absolutely expect them to be courteous towards you at the absolute minimum.

If my stepdd had a picture of her mum snd dad together in her house,it wouldn't bother me at all and DH's and I have been together 23years. So I think you're overthinking it.

You should've asked what she wanted you to be called before you decided on Nannie, I think you overstepped there tbh.

Well... tbh... for me, I don't want any SGC to call me nanny or grandma or anything similar and I guess I didn't really realize she came into her life at 18.

But, what I'm saying is that as adults there should be communication, not passive-aggressive behavior.

Being that OP doesn't know the circumstances surrounding why the picture was there all of a sudden, we go back to communication. Everyone has a right to their feelings. If it bothers her, she's not wrong for her feelings. It doesn't mean she can dictate what other people do in their own home but her hurt feelings are valid.

And ... yes.. her place is father's SO. I wouldn't want my kids to have a picture of me and their dad up in their house. But my situation is probably very different. My bio kids fathers are deadbeats so they wouldn't even dream of it anyway.

If there's a problem it should be discussed. That's what grownups do, isn't it? Or do we push down and hide our hurt feelings and ruin our MH to make others happy?

I'm not saying she should demand the picture be gone. I'm saying maybe her OH should ask politely about it "Oh I see you have a picture of me and your mom? When do you put that up?" To start the conversation.

I can never understand adults that are afraid to tactfully and politely just ask a question. It doesn't have to be an attack, but to just squash your feeling isn't healthy and doesn't always work.

It doesn't sound like a new addition. Probably she's brought it pout the cupboard to speak to her mum about?
She has just had a baby so mum will likely have been round. It could just be a prop in their conversation

I agree that it's the Nannie thing. If/when my adult daughter and son have children I would no way expect the children to call my partner grandad as he's only known my daughter and son since they've been adult, so he had nothing to do with their upbringing. He wouldn't want it either.
However, my sisters granddaughter calls her husband grandad but that's because he raised my nephew (her dad) from aged 3 and that's what my nephew and his partner wanted. She also calls my nephews dad grandad, his wife Nannie (she's been in my nephews life since he was 4 and had 3 more children with his dad) and her mums dad, and my dad grandad, she has a lot of nannies and grandads! Thankfully everyone gets on with each other. My dad (great grandad) is big grandad which is funny as he's short.
Ask the new parents what they want the child to call you. The photo is of her parents. My daughter has a photo of me and her dad with her and her brother in her bedroom because we are her parents and she likes the photo. My partner has never been in her bedroom so hasn't seen the photo but if he had he wouldn't be bothered as he knows I was with my ex for 21 years and we are her parents.

I think (although it's clear you're coming from a good place on this) that you've overstepped hugely. I winced when I read that you'd called yourself Nanny tbh.

If I were you, I'd have a chat with her and say you've had a think about things and what the baby grows up calling you is not your place to decide so she should let you know what she's got in mind. You've created this awkward situation so you need to give her a way out of it.

FWIW, given that you came into her life when she was an adult and have therefore played no parenting role to her, I wouldn't really expect to be called anything other than your name. I know you might be hurt by that but I think it's what you should prepare yourself for.

My post did have paragraphs! @mnhq sort it out please, it's been months!

It comes across as though you treat the kids the same, because you want them to treat you the same as both of their parents. But you aren’t.

She has known only since becoming an adult. You aren’t a mother figure for her and you don’t have to be treat all the kids equally. Or for her to like you. Respecting you as her dads wife and part of the family, doesn’t mean she has to pretend her parents past never happened.

I am guessing she usually hide the photo when you are coming though tbh.

When my baby was born, my OH has separated parents whom are both remarried. My MIL didn't want my FIL's new wife to be called nanny or anything of the sort. It was her name only, this did upset my FIL's wife but at the end of the day she wasn't her nanny and perhaps didn't warrant the title. Maybe this is your step daughters way of telling you that you aren't Nannie and she has her mum and dad!

I'd say you probably should have asked what they wanted you to be called- if she has a relationship with her mum, she may have already thought of terms. Having a baby can be a very emotional time at the best of times. If she feels you've 'nicked' her mums grandparent name- she may be feeling a Brit off. Maybe actually juts talk to her?

I personally don't think the two are connected , if it was broken it could have been out as a reminder to replace it. Have you had a conversation about your name to dgd? As a step parent I wouldn't assume nana /grandma as there will be two of those already. Maybe ask dsd what she would like you to be called.

They are her parents. She probably never wanted them to break up, never wanted to have a broken home and never wanted to have step parents.

It’s great you’ve treated her well but ultimately unless there is serious mistreatment in the marriage most kids don’t want there family to break up. Things like this are why people who say “you should never stay together for the kids” make me shake my head.

I know you meant well but I think you should have asked when she was pregnant what she wanted you to be called. I have step siblings who have children and when pregnant they said to my mum they’d like the children to call her grandma and when I had DC I spoke to my step dad and said I’d like ours to call him grandad. I think this is especially more important seeing as you weren’t part of her childhood.
Having said that she is an adult and what she did was passive aggressive and she should have just had a conversation with you or your DH. I’d suggest you get your DH to have a word and she may regret it and post birth hormones and sleep deprivation may have played a part

She was 17/18 when you got together? She probably doesn't see you as a stepmum. I think your heart was in the right place but u have overstepped. My DH's mum remarried when he was 19 and although he gets on well with him he doesn't see him as his step dad. Our children call him by him name.

How is she not “respecting your (the step Mums) place in the family”?

She knows the OP’s place in the family, a woman who married her father when she was an adult. Hopefully a woman who she likes and appreciates the effort of. It’s great OP has treated her well and I truly commend her for that.

However if her mother had died and her father remarried then would her having her the picture be disrespectful? Then why is this?
Her father and Mother were the family she knew and probably loved and wanted to stay together - it’s not her fault her parents screwed that up. But this is the nature of divorce with kids, why should the kids just lie to accomodate the adults fantasy that their new blended family is perfect and forget everything else?

The picture, I'd try not to read too much into that. It's a picture of her parents. To her, you are probably not step-mum, given the age she was when she met you, you are 'Dad's wife'.

The Nannie thing - why don't people just talk about it? Yes, she could raise it with you but, being the older and more experienced one, why not bring up the issue of Nannie or not now? This could have been discussed while pregnant rather than presumptions made. I would ask her, how does she want her children to refer to you?

normally I am someone who addresses things head on but in this case where she has just had a baby isn’t a great time. I also think as pp have suggested there’s a good chance that the picture always lives there and she usually moves it to be sensitive to you.

what i would do in this situation is next time you’re over just start a conversation about what will baby call us? With no expectations/ preconceived ideas. If you usually have a good relationship she’s unlikely to care what you’ve written in a card, but will probably have a view about what child should call you.

I think you might have. Your DH should have asked his DD whether they were happy for you be to called the baby's Nannie, in case his ex or DD's MIL wanted to be known as that. I suspect it the ex does, and the picture was put out as a pass-agg reminder that they are the "official" grandparents. Your DH needs to smooth this one out and explain you genuinely meant well and are sorry if you overstepped the mark.

I’m another one who thinks you overstepped by calling yourself Nannie. You need to rethink what treating them all equally means, even though it’s clear your heart is in the right place.

She might not have handled it in the best way, but having a baby can stir up really big feelings about one’s own parents, family generally, motherhood generally…She could be in a bad place about her parents’ separation because of this, maybe wishing she was bringing her child into an intact extended family?

You’ll need to cut her some slack.

It didn't occur to me that my stepmum would call herself grandma to my children. I've known her over 20yrs. In my opinion she's not my kids' grandma and I was referring to her by her name instead (my kids are very small and not yet verbal). I don't see her very often but she's been pushing the grandma title. If I'd only known her 5yrs I'd be really pissed off with her. Maybe that is what happened here with your step-daughter. She probably thinks you're overstepping and wants to make a point without causing an argument. What she's done is insensitive and passive aggressive though, she should have had a word with you or her father instead.

Even when my own daughter had my grandchild, I wouldn't have given myself a specific grandparent name without discussion. The baby had another set of grandparents so these things need to be talked about.

For all you know, you called yourself the title that her own mother had been given.

Hi. I think the fact that you want to treat all of your grandchildren the same is lovely, I wouldn't worry too much about the photo, I wouldn't make a big deal of it, I'd just see what she calls you in the future and go with that.