AIBU for being upset

[knackerednellie]

I have been with my DH for 5 years. We have both been married before and both have 2 children each (me 2 x DS and DH has one DD and one DS) within our previous marriages. DH children are 23 and 16 and my DS are 20 and almost 18.

I have always (as a result of being from a 'broken family' myself) insisted that our children are treated equally.

This has been easier with the boys as they live with us - DSS Mon to Friday (he goes to his mums at weekends).
DSD lives with her DP and has just had a baby.
I am over the moon for her and went to visit her today to meet my DH granddaughter .. I sent ahead a gift from "Nannie and Grandpa" as I want DH and my future GCH to be treated the same with no exceptions.
I was so looking forward to welcoming my DSD daughter and my DSGD (though to me DGD) into my life. But when we arrived, right in front of us, perched on the mantle piece was a massive picture of my DH with his ex wife (DSDD mother).
They have been been divorced for over 16 here.
The picture was in a broken frame the glass was smashed but it had been obviously placed to be on full view.

IABU to be so upset

I think it's rude of her not to respect your place in the family

Jesus wept. Rude to have a picture of your own parents in your own home? I mean seriously, how dare she!

maybe the OP needs to respect her place in this family and not assume she can give herself a cute nickname to describe her relationship with a step grandchild without first discussing it with the child’s parents? What if mum wanted her own mum to be ‘Nannie’? Should the grandmother and daughter and their gran have to forgo that? OP has meant well but she has overstepped and then some here.

@knackerednellie

I do just want to say that it’s really great that you’ve tried to treat all the children and grandchildren equally. You sound like a lovely person.

Yep, OP. You need to backtrack. Apologise for naming yourself in your enthusiasm, and all her what she would like you to be called.

Then think carefully about the relationship that you can expect to have in a step relationship with someone who was already an adult by the time you came into her life. It is highly unlikely that she wants another mother, and you trying to behave as if you are, seems intrusive and entitled.

And she absolutely has the right to have a photo of her own parents who brought her up to adulthood, in her own home. It's quite bizarre that you think she shouldn't, and that, in addition to your attitude to your place in her life, makes me think that your really over-stepping.

When my stepson’s wife had a baby I just used my name but then they bought me a gift for grandma which was lovely. My partner came into my life when my children were adults . My daughter lived local and we saw her children a lot and they called him grandad . My son lives away so we didn’t see his son as often and he called my partner by his first name . It was a bit confusing when they were small but we just went along with what they wanted.

In your initial post I was genuinely surprised by the ages of the “children”. I think treating step children and your own children is really important but their ages do play a massive part on what this looks like.

My mum has a boyfriend. They’ve been together for around 9 years. They live together. I guess for all intents and purposes he is my step dad. Only I’ve never thought of him that way and it’s certainly not because he isn’t a fantastic and caring man. I was an adult when they got together so he is my mother’s boyfriend and that’s it.

You have massively overstepped by signing the card as Nannie and I wouldn’t be surprised if your SD was really shocked and upset by that.
You may have decided that you want to treat all the “children” the same and view all grandchildren as yours but that doesn’t mean that’s what the children want. You seem to be led by what you think is the right thing and what you want but have forgotten that the children involved are adults in their own right already.

Maybe you need to apologise for overstepping the mark with signing the card in anything other than your name and remember she just had a baby/is hormonal so try not to make this all about.

The photo of her parents in her house is nothing to do with you, she can display what she wants in her own house, especially when its a photo of her parents.

You sound like a good person so sorry that ots upset you.

I had a “step grandma” (my dad’s step mum) and we called her by her actual name, as did my dad. We also loved her and treated her exactly as another grandparent - in my eyes she certainly was. Though we knew clearly she wasn’t actually related to us.

Becoming a parent for the first time connects you to your own parents in a way you haven’t experienced before, and although she may well think very highly of you, I’m afraid that using the Nannie name without checking, when (I presume) she doesn’t call you Mum, would have put her very much on the defensive. Big apology, explain it was done out of love and excitement but you’re happy to be called whatever she prefers and of course you aren’t trying to replace her mother.

Then yes she is probably trying to let you know that she sees her mum as nanny. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe dad can ask what she wants her child to know you as?

I think so tbh. It's up to DSD what sort of name she'd like her kids to call you. Maybe her mum has chosen nannie and so you are to be grandma or something like that.

This is a great post.

If DSD brought the photo out in response to the card then she didn't handle it well IMO, but you're allowed be a bit unreasonable when you have a new baby.

I wouldn't have been impressed if my own parents had chosen their grandparent names without telling us, because my PIL already had grandchildren so we had to be mindful of that.

If you normally have a good relationship have a gentle chat and explain you overstepped in your excitement. It's nothing that can't be sorted.

I would ignore the picture - no good can come out of mentioning it

Did you ask them what they wanted their daughter to call you? Did they ask you? That's the conversation you need to have

It may be that her Mum is going to be Nannie so that's taken, and they want you to be something else

Mine and DH's parents are not together and 3 of them have partners but we just asked them what they wanted to be called

I think yours is also a great post

I think it's really odd that an adult would have a photo of her long divorced parents in such a prominent place. Really weird. Like unresolved issues?

I am divorced and if my kids did that I'd have to say something to them about it!

As an aside, you sound like a lovely SM and your heart is definitely in the right place.

It does sound like she feels you overstepped by calling yourself Nannie, and I agree with others that this was a bit much given you weren't involved in raising her. Even if this wasn't a step family scenario, I would still expect to have a conversation with grandparents before the child was born to figure out what they will call themselves, because the dad's mum might be thinking of the same thing. So in your case there are two other women who are actually the parents' mothers who might have "Nannie" picked out, as it were. It was a bit of a leap to assume you could use that term for you.

I do think her putting the photo up rather than just having a word with her dad about it was an odd move from DSD, though. Could either be quite passive aggressive, or I suppose very conflict avoidant. But you probably know what is and isn't in keeping with her character.

It is possible it's a coincidence though so a conversation probably needs to be had about the name thing.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think an apology and a chat is on the cards.
I have a stepmother myself who has been in my DC lives as long as my own DM and she has been 'Nannie' to them from day one. I appreciate now that I have assumed too much.
The picture was of my DH and his ex on their wedding day which I think is why I felt so uncomfortable.

Maybe time for a chat and ask what DSD wants you to be known as to her kids, and apologise for being presumptuous - it may be Nannie Nellie or just Nellie, but you should ask and respect her wishes.

That extra detail clinches it for me. She was trying to make a point. I'd forgive the odd way of doing it as there's hormones and shit in play when you have just had a baby.

She was 18 when you got married and is unlikely to see you as a mother or grandmother to her baby...more like Dad's wife.

I sent ahead a gift from "Nannie and Grandpa

This probably pissed her off tbh...because anyone who didn't know them and saw a card that said that would assume it was from her parents.

Maybe you could have written from Nannie knackerednellie .which shows a clear difference and doesn't place yourself on equal footing as her mum...because whilst you're striving to treat everyone equal...you're not equal to her mum from her perspective.

She probably viewed it as you taking a title you had no right to.

You're heart was in the right place, but just be mindful of DAD'S perspective.

My dad remarried soon after my parents divorce when I was about 15 - hes been with his wife over 20 years now. We all get on but My dad's wife is not My children's grandmother and she's certainly not my stepmother. You've only been with your partner 5 years(?) And his daughter was an adult when you met her? She's not your stepdaughter and her child is not your grandchild, you're just her dad's gf. Sorry but you need to know your place a little here.

You're not Nannie though, you're her dad's partner. Her mum is the grandma.

Hmmm... I'm on the fence.

I have absolutely no objection to my step father being a grandad to my DC, he will be a big part of their life even if I only met him as a young adult. He'll have been there for their whole lives, from day one, so I imagine they WILL see him like that and it's not for me to police that or tell them they can't.

However, I did want him to be called something different to my Dad who wanted to be grandad. Therefore we came up with another name together for him which we always called him in front of the DCs until they adopted it themselves.

I don't think I'd have really cared though if right at the outset they'd signed a card off 'grandma and grandad', it's a card at the end of the day. I'd have just had a discussion privately afterwards to say 'oh my mum is going to be nannie but how about nana, gran X or whatever'

The picture thing, I think YABU. I could understand the hurt if you think this has been put up solely to upset you but I don't think it's unreasonable for her daughter to want a picture of her parents together up in her own home. They are her parents, she is entitled to that imo.

I have pictures of my parents together, my mum who is now married to my step dad and has been for many years, even went through them with me the other week just having a laugh etc... It's really important to me that I have these pieces of my history, because even though they are no longer together, my parents marriage was part of my history, my memories, my childhood etc... It doesn't just belong to them. If me and DH ever split my DC could always talk about memories of us together or see pictures or have them up if they wanted. That's their right as our children, in my opinion.

But what about the children?

Do you not think they will see their grandads wife as a grandmother figure as they grow up?

She may only be her dad's wife to the DSD, but to her children OP will have been there since day one of their lives.

It's so unfair and cruel imo to insist children can't call or see someone in that position as their nannie. They likely will! They won't care that technically they aren't.

My DC call my stepdad a different word for grandad. Because they've known him their whole lives! He is a grandad to them.

By all means choose a different name to DSDs mum so she can have something special. But it's silly to insist children should only ever see OP as their grandads wife or by her name just because she isn't blood related. She'll be a grandmother figure to them, whether people like it or not and it shouldn't be up to the children to be mindful of DSD or her mum's jealousy or upset at that.

If my dad had insisted my children never refer to my step dad as a grandad or whatever name, I'd have told him to grow up!

Who said anyone was going to insist the kids have to call her anything. Maybe when the kids are older they will be able to choose the name.

maybe the kids won’t see her as a grandparent. Because the mother doesn’t see her as a mother.

who knows?

maybe the kids won’t see her as a grandparent. Because the mother doesn’t see her as a mother.

I don't see my step dad as my dad, I call him by his first name and have more of a friendly relationship with him than a parental one, I met him when I was nearly 20!

But he lives with my children's grandma, he's there whenever they go around, he's there whenever they have a sleepover, he's there when they go out for the day with their grandma etc. etc. I'd of been daft to think they wouldn't see him as a grandfather figure. Of course they do! And I'm glad, because he's a great one. Another grandparent to love my children, what's the problem?

This is all about the DSD or her mum's feeling.