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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for being upset

99 replies

knackerednellie · 15/05/2022 00:46

I have been with my DH for 5 years. We have both been married before and both have 2 children each (me 2 x DS and DH has one DD and one DS) within our previous marriages. DH children are 23 and 16 and my DS are 20 and almost 18.

I have always (as a result of being from a 'broken family' myself) insisted that our children are treated equally.

This has been easier with the boys as they live with us - DSS Mon to Friday (he goes to his mums at weekends).
DSD lives with her DP and has just had a baby.
I am over the moon for her and went to visit her today to meet my DH granddaughter .. I sent ahead a gift from "Nannie and Grandpa" as I want DH and my future GCH to be treated the same with no exceptions.
I was so looking forward to welcoming my DSD daughter and my DSGD (though to me DGD) into my life. But when we arrived, right in front of us, perched on the mantle piece was a massive picture of my DH with his ex wife (DSDD mother).
They have been been divorced for over 16 here.
The picture was in a broken frame the glass was smashed but it had been obviously placed to be on full view.

IABU to be so upset

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 15/05/2022 00:52

I'm not sure why you are so upset tbh. It's her home and she has a photo of her parents. They may not be together, but to her, they are both important. My dd has a wedding photo of me and her dad in her room - we've been divorced for over a decade, but she likes the photo and has happy memories of us as a family, so while I really don't want to see it, it's her choice and I just ignore it.

ladydimitrescu · 15/05/2022 00:53

They are her parents, YABU.

Original poster
knackerednellie · 15/05/2022 00:58

To add (sorry) this picture was not a feature last time we visited and is a new addition after I sent the gift

OP posts:
Bibbetybobbity · 15/05/2022 01:00

You’re overthinking this I think- and even if your suspicions are correct, let it go…

Bunty55 · 15/05/2022 01:01

I would be upset too and would wonder why. I wonder if the photo was placed there to make some kind of point?

Do you get on OK with the daughter ?

Whatever is going on there I would hesitate to say anything. It's not your problem is it?

Moolight · 15/05/2022 01:02

Is this the first time you've been to her house? Did she not have it up before?

To be honest I can understand why you'd be upset by it if you feel like it has been done specifically for your visit. I do think it's odd that she would have a photo of her parents together if they've been divorced for 16 years. However 5 years isn't all that long to be in her life and if she was 18 when you got with her dad then she didn't grow up with you as a step-mother as she was already an adult when you got together. She maybe is responding negatively to the presumption that you are grandmother to her child and is trying to signal this to you. Did you discuss being called Nannie with her beforehand?

Moolight · 15/05/2022 01:03

Sorry OP, cross posted with your previous reply so ignore my first 2 questions.

Original poster
knackerednellie · 15/05/2022 01:03

Only that I am am wondering if I have overstepped the Nannie part ...

OP posts:
Original poster
knackerednellie · 15/05/2022 01:05

My stance was that .. going forward I wanted all 'our' grandchildren to be treated the same ... and think now I have made a mistake

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 15/05/2022 01:08

Perhaps you should have waited to see what they want the child to call you ? You could always ask and apologise if you overstepped the mark.

Bunty55 · 15/05/2022 01:10

My Grandchildren call my partner by his name. It's what their parents want. My partners daughter does not even want her child to meet me because of her mother. No problem. That is her choice and I respect it.

ladydimitrescu · 15/05/2022 01:12

Hmm. Maybe DSD doesn't want you to be referred as nanny, as that's her mums role? You possibly should have discussed this before.
My DHs stepdad and my stepmum are referred to as different names than nan or grandad, nicknames we decided so they were still special, but so it didn't step on the toes of the grandparents.

LAHallucinations · 15/05/2022 01:12

I bet she's annoyed at the 'nannie' thing. You're not the child's grandmother, so it was a bit pushy/presumptuous of you to give yourself that title.

lunar1 · 15/05/2022 01:15

Maybe she always moves the picture before you visit and forgot with a newborn.

Moolight · 15/05/2022 01:16

knackerednellie · 15/05/2022 01:05

My stance was that .. going forward I wanted all 'our' grandchildren to be treated the same ... and think now I have made a mistake

I think your heart is in the right place but treating all the children as equal is different to acting as if they are your own children. I would maybe speak to her and just explain that you may have overstepped and that you understand you should have spoken to her first before assuming that she would want her child to call you nanny.

Bananarama21 · 15/05/2022 01:17

I agree with the others I suspect its because your calling your self nannie. It would be different of you raised her but she was an adult when you met her df. Your dh should of maybe pulled his dd aside and asked her prior to you sending the gift with nannies attached, the photo seems passive aggressive.

CJsGoldfish · 15/05/2022 02:07

She probably doesn't see you as a 'stepmother' because she was an adult when you met. So your behaviour may be way OTT to her no matter how she feels about you. I say that because I'm not saying AT ALL that she feels negatively about you. It's just that it sounds like you have different perceptions of the situation.
You should absolutely have asked what they wanted you to be called. In your excitement, you have overstepped there for sure.

MyCatKeepsRumblingTheDog · 15/05/2022 02:32

I’m in a similar situation to you with that I’ve been with my DP that long and kids are roughly the same age. No grandchildren yet though. However I think you are making a mistake in thinking you can treat the kids and hence grandkids the same. You can’t, they are your kids and his kids and particularly the eldest was practically an adult when you got together so nine of them have grown up sharing rules, traditions, holidays, bathrooms, etc. They are not siblings and I very much doubt kids kids would see you as a mother figure.

So you’re not really a stepmother to his kids, they weren’t tiny when you got together so you are more their dad’s girlfriend aka family friend. This doesn’t make you Nannie to this child unless the 23 year old specifically requests you use the title.

I wouldn’t be at all bothered by the picture in that it’s a picture of her parents. But I do think you should probably apologise and say that you were excited about the baby and wasn’t thinking, would they like the child to call you by your name, or something else etc. My stepkids call me by my name, I would assume if one had a child I’d be known by my name to the child or maybe Nannie MyCatKeepsRumbling etc.

MyCatKeepsRumblingTheDog · 15/05/2022 02:35

also just remember that while you might want all the grandchildren treated the same, this may not be what she wants at all which is perfectly her right. If she wants to acknowledge that her parents are the grandparents and you are not - well it is true. And you can’t unilaterally decide that your preference is the way another adult should be living their life.

Cameleongirl · 15/05/2022 02:50

I agree with PO’s that you shouldn’t have referred to yourself as “ Nannie,” wait and see what your DSD would like her child to call you. It’s quite possible that Nannie or Nana might be reserved for her Mum.

My DC call my step-Mum Grandma, the difference is that my Mum died before they were born. She’s a lovely Grandma and I’m sure you’ll be too, whatever you’re called.

rea2022x · 15/05/2022 02:53

Unless you have a strained relationship with your DSD, I don't see the issue. I have just had a baby and me and my partner asked both mums what they would like to me called. One Nona, the other Gran. I wasn't assed either way. My step dad is papa Tony and my dad is papa David. My step dad was never an issue in what he would be called either. I'd be having a conversation with her just to clear the air. New mum hormones are usually everywhere she's probably not even thinking correctly xx

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2022 02:58

Did you meet her at 18? She was an adult. No need to create an artificial relationship. You can be what you are, which isn't a nanny.

And its completely normal to have a picture of her actual parents in her house.

ShadowPuppets · 15/05/2022 03:00

I think it could be one of three things here:

  1. Yes, she’s trying to make a point because of the ‘Nannie’ thing. I do think this should have been raised in advance and not assumed, but what’s done is done now.
  2. As a PP says she usually moves that picture when you go over, but forgot due to madness of newborn.
  3. Having had the baby has made her reflect more on her own family/parents. I remember when I had my first DD I suddenly realised how much my parents had done for me and between that and the hormones I got quite soppy about my own childhood and I think I resurrected a few family photos for the house! Not the sort of thing I’d have had up in there in my early 20s but all of a sudden family seemed to ‘mean’ more now I had my own DC.
Either way I wouldn’t mention anything about the photo, she’s either not done it to piss you off or she is annoyed, but frankly bringing it up isn’t going to make the situation better. If you generally get on well, I would probably try and have a gentle conversation with her and say you referred to yourself as such without thinking and of course you’d be happy to be whatever name she liked for the new baby.
Calliopes7song · 15/05/2022 03:09

It's not pushy or presumptuous. It's not wrong. YANBU.

It was a sweet gesture. Step kids always get away with things because they're the victims (sarcasm).

She's an adult. She's not a kid. If she didn't like the nanny thing, she should have discussed it with either you or her father. That's what adults do ... or should do... discuss things.

You wouldn't like other people being passive aggressive to you, so why should a stepchild? An ADULT stepchild.

I think it's rude of her not to respect your place in the family. I'm sure she wouldn't want to go to PILs and see a picture of her SO and his ex.

I think your OH should discuss it with her out of respect for you. Your feelings matter. It's true it is her house though. But honestly if I felt disrespected I'd stop going over.

TryingToBeLogical · 15/05/2022 03:09

I would just let it go about the picture. You only know that it appeared this once, you don’t know why, or any history about what it means to the new mother that it’s on display. It’s her house - not yours - and especially with a newborn, combing her house for things that might offend visitors is probably not a priority for her at the moment. Perhaps having a baby made her a bit nostalgic for her own childhood family arrangement, and she pulled the picture out to look at for herself, and (as someone else said) forgot to hide it away.

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