Ok…bit of a rant…SC turning 18

[Narwhalelife]

Ok, so me & DH have been together 14 yrs. He has always paid and had access to SC. Never faltered on anything in 14 years, even when we had some really testing times financially & work wise. He has also supported various hobbies, paid extra for school bits, trips, birthday parties etc. Some SP may even say a bit of a Disney Dad (at times I’m inclined to agree🙄) but he has been a good dad.

SC turns 18 next month and is leaving school ASAP to take a year out to work, SC already has a job that will go to near full time hours when school is over.

He has agreed that he will continue to pay child support but will give this to SC directly so they they can learn to budget, be independent but also have the money they need to pay for what they need. Car insurance, petrol, phone etc. and if they choose to give some as rent that’s fine. The maintenance is £400 per month.

His ex apparently is furious. Stating that he is doing this at a time that HE KNOWS is bad for her and her new husband financially. She has told SC that she doesn’t know how she will be able to look after them anymore. She is saying that he is wrong to stop at 18 and should continue to a date unspecified.

We have therefore offered for them to live with us, no worries at all. But We live a bit further out from everything than she does so SC unsure atm.

AIBU to think that his ex partner shouldn’t have an issue with this?? That this is a fair agreement?

Sounds reasonable if he wants to live with you - but if he's working full time why would you give him £400 a month? He should be giving you money for board - that's how he'll learn to budget

Surely the solution is that it does directly to your SC and then as they are working and living with their mum a deal is done between them as to what covers rent/food/bills

You are correct though it should go directly to them and it is then not your responsibly as to what happens then

But the solution does seem fairly obvious they either pay board or move out

She will just have to charge the son rent so rent will come out of that money. Don't imagine id be giving a full time employed adult money each month. I don't think that helps them learn the value of money at all

@titchy me and DH agreed that he will be able to live with us rent free (or minimal) amount until the have a real plan for work etc. uni/ apprenticeship isn’t on the cards just yet but the job he does is a gateway to something in the future.

We don’t need to charge rent per say, but happy for them to use the money to pay their mum if needed but that’s their agreement

@Quartz2208 yeah that’s the plan, I think ex wife just seems to think she will have the money directly for longer

I don’t understand why there is any maintenance being paid anywhere if the child is 18 and has decided to work FT (rather than continuing in education).

Certainly the mother is being ridiculous. She should have been expecting maintenance to come to an end when FT education did too.

@Amicompletelyinsane it’s just for 6month - one year until we hope this job opens up a better (better paid) opportunity for them.

If they had stayed in education then maintence would have been paid until 19 so we thought this was a compromise.

I wouldn’t give her anymore money but DSS needs to learn to budget and start paying his own way

How long did the ex think this would go on for? Until he was 21? 25? 30?!! She’s batshit and grabby

@SoggyPaper absolutely DH has no obligation but wanted to do help SC directly. But ex wife seems to be upset we are taking the money from her 🫠

@NorthSouthcatlady no idea 🤦‍♀️ But I think she thought he would be paying until SC was in a ‘proper job’ hence the compromise we have suggested here. And I say we, because this was actually my idea 🤣

I'll be charging board if my children work full time. I know its not popular on mumsnet but posters who think its outrageous clearly have lots of disposable income. Therefore, if they are going to struggle then they should be charging board from a full time working adult?

But they’re not staying in education.

At this age, learning about choices and consequences is key. Don’t want to stay in education? Fine. Your choice. Enjoy the edges available to an 18 year old school leaver.

Want to return to education? Great. Yes, I’ll contribute £400 directly to you every month to help with living costs (and probably more because university is bloody expensive).

Your DH needs to stop communicating with his child's mother except when it's a medical emergency involving their child as their child is now an adult. (To be honest lots of separated parents do this anywhere from 14 onwards.)

If she keeps acting batshit he should just block her and not reply to any messages from her.

If there is stuff he needs to know his adult son can tell him.

How do you define ‘proper job’ though?

If it’s your FT job and not some process of education or training, it’s a ‘proper job’. Just (presumably) poorly paid.

[quote Narwhalelife]@SoggyPaper absolutely DH has no obligation but wanted to do help SC directly. But ex wife seems to be upset we are taking the money from her 🫠[/quote]
No one is taking money from her. She’s just not being given it any longer.

There’s a huge difference

I wouldn’t be giving step child £400 a month when he’s working full time. I would pay for things for him sometimes, like phone or car insurance or whatever to make his life a bit nicer and easier (assuming you can afford it) but I wouldn’t be giving them £400 a month!!

@Northernsoullover it’s not off the cards, but SC Is following a passion (therefore very low paid) don’t want to be too outing but think - working in Art/design so not much money at the moment in it but potential after a year or so continuing this job.

We are not rolling in it but happy to support SC for another year and if it doesn’t work out they will have had one year to make a plan as to what they do next. This money won’t continue longer than 12 months!

@SoggyPaper its commission art based work so some pay but not reliable etc

The reason I said she was batshit is she should be well aware that an 18 year old adult who has a full time job should be supporting themselves and it's only kindness that either/both parents help support them. Therefore she shouldn't expect your DH to support him living with her by paying her directly.

She’s pushing her luck. Tell her where to go

@Springandsummerarecoming yeah I think there was a lot of anxiety from my DH that SC would be left out alone with a lot of bills to pay and didn’t want them to rely on the fact that we would just be paying for this and £20 here and there for a night out 🙄 this way we thought have the cash then when it runs out (unless a dire emergency) it’s for them to sort out.

SC is quite mature and sensible and already has mapped out how much money the need etc

What your DP is proposing sounds like a very sensible idea. It is what my ex and I did when our daughter got to 16, and it worked.

The 18-y-o's mum here is way out of line in expecting child support to go on indefinitely; and her and her partner's financial woes are not his concern.

I would suggest, though, that the 18-y-o take some responsibility along with the new-found arrangement and offer to pay rent to whichever parent they end up living with, especially since they are working. That should provide a softener to their mum.

Your DP should also place a time limit on when this support will end. He doesn't want to be paying £400 a month to anyone indefinitely; and doesn't want to set his child's expectations that they will be "kept" into adulthood.

@RedWingBoots I get that.

They have had some odd financial issues recently (we only know what SC tell us in bits and bobs) so no idea exactly what but I think the maintence money may have been the only contestant household income at times so I can see her anxiety but equally it’s not for us to support their household

I was with you until you said that you had offered for sc to live with you rent free. Basically, you are making the sc choose between paying their mum rent and board or having 400 and living with you rent free. It really comes across as a way of having a dig at his mum. Maybe what would have been better is to think what is a reasonable amount of rent and board. Take that out of the 400 and give board to the mother or your proportion of that amount and then give the rest to your sc. That way you are continuing to support them living at home. (most parents do this) and supporting your dc with other costs.

I think having seen what you have put that it is lovely for you to enable him to have a go at his passion and see what happens. I think it's between the mum and child with what she wants to do money wise. Not the dads responsibility to pay when he in theory is working full time. In offering money to help ss its a nice act as the mum isn't entitled to money at all.