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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ok…bit of a rant…SC turning 18

99 replies

Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 11:50

Ok, so me & DH have been together 14 yrs. He has always paid and had access to SC. Never faltered on anything in 14 years, even when we had some really testing times financially & work wise. He has also supported various hobbies, paid extra for school bits, trips, birthday parties etc. Some SP may even say a bit of a Disney Dad (at times I’m inclined to agree🙄) but he has been a good dad.

SC turns 18 next month and is leaving school ASAP to take a year out to work, SC already has a job that will go to near full time hours when school is over.

He has agreed that he will continue to pay child support but will give this to SC directly so they they can learn to budget, be independent but also have the money they need to pay for what they need. Car insurance, petrol, phone etc. and if they choose to give some as rent that’s fine. The maintenance is £400 per month.

His ex apparently is furious. Stating that he is doing this at a time that HE KNOWS is bad for her and her new husband financially. She has told SC that she doesn’t know how she will be able to look after them anymore. She is saying that he is wrong to stop at 18 and should continue to a date unspecified.

We have therefore offered for them to live with us, no worries at all. But We live a bit further out from everything than she does so SC unsure atm.

AIBU to think that his ex partner shouldn’t have an issue with this?? That this is a fair agreement?

OP posts:

Original poster

Narwhalelife · 18/04/2022 15:10

@chesirecat99 we are prob not looking at it from ex perspective because we have our own. DSS is our priority. DH currently pays SC’s car insurance on top of maintenance because ex said she couldn’t afford both. She probably is paying for Netflix. SC pays own phone already out of part time work money.

I am main breadwinner and I will support my DD through anything she needs with the support of my DH or without him if he ever can’t pay so she is not the issue here. Had DSS wanted to go to uni be a different arrangement altogether with support all the way through. DD won’t be working full time whist studying. My DH has also never given me £400 month soley for my DD as he has his ex (and she is remarried) nor would I expect it. I don’t think we should compare tit for tat with kids.

The agreement to pay his mother is his agreement to make and come to with her (as we are sure he will).

OP posts:

Moochio · 18/04/2022 15:23

It's not up to Dad to insist DC pays for board and lodging at mums. Thats for mum.

Moodycow78 · 18/04/2022 15:26

Tbh she can be as furious as she likes, you don't have to pay her now he's over 18 and in work, in fact you shouldn't really need any contact with her at all moving forward so just block and ignore x

chesirecat99 · 18/04/2022 15:48

@Moodycow78

Tbh she can be as furious as she likes, you don't have to pay her now he's over 18 and in work, in fact you shouldn't really need any contact with her at all moving forward so just block and ignore x

I don't think he is yet. He turns 18 next month and is still at school currently so until he actually leaves, the DF should continue to pay the DM. I have a feeling CM usually paid until 31 August after the DC leaves school (in line with child benefit ending), if the DC isn't continuing in full time education.

chesirecat99 · 18/04/2022 16:21

How about the DSS's perspective though? What message are you giving him if you offer him £400 and free board and lodging if he leaves home? You are incentivising him to cause his mother hardship (even though that isn't your problem) and giving him no incentive to pay his own way.

Had DSS wanted to go to uni be a different arrangement altogether with support all the way through. DD won’t be working full time whist studying.

Why is your DH penalising him for taking a different (but more appropriate for his future career) educational route? If his DF was giving him the same support that he would have had at university, he wouldn't have to work full time while studying. If he is choosing to work full time and study, that's like giving less money to a DC who gets a vacation job and more to a DC who spends the holidays doing nothing. Not a great message to your DSS or DD.

Your motives seem good and caring but I don't think what you are doing is encouraging the values you say you want to encourage eg

She has told SC that she doesn’t know how she will be able to look after them anymore.

I just don't get why when your DSS told his DF that, his response wasn't, "She shouldn't have to look after you any more when you are an adult working full time and getting a £400 per month allowance, you need to support yourself and pay your own way," rather than offering him a free home and food. Isn't teaching him to be responsible and independent the whole point of giving him the CM?

SoggyPaper · 18/04/2022 16:45

Is DSS obligated to support his mother financially?

Or can he, as an adult, choose to leave home?

chesirecat99 · 18/04/2022 17:29

Yes, once he leaves school and is working, I think he is obligated to pay his way at home if his DM can't afford to support him.

It would be a bit different if the DSS had already chosen to move out, @SoggyPaper, rather than moving out because his DM can't afford to feed and house him for free without the CM (or board and lodging). Presumably, if he moves out permanently to his own home and she isn't maintaining a room for him, in the long term she won't have financial difficulties any more as she won't have the same costs and has options like taking a lodger or downsizing.

Personally, I don't want my DC to be selfish and entitled so my first response if they told me their DP can't afford to support them without CM, I would be reminding them that as working adults they should be supporting themselves, I wouldn't be offering them free board and lodging plus the CM as an allowance to move in with me. Although that would be my head rather than my heart speaking because of course in that situation I would always prefer my DC to chose to live with me. I wouldn't be bribing them.

Seventeen year olds are a selfish by nature, their brains are still developing. I would put money on it hasn't occurred yet to the DSS that he ought to be paying board and lodging to his DM once he starts work. It's a bit of a cop out to leave it to only the DM to tell the DSS he needs to contribute, so dad gets to be the good guy while mum is the bad guy.

candlesandpitchforks · 18/04/2022 17:34

@chesirecat99 hold on. If DF hadn't offered DSC to stay rent free people would be saying he's a rubbish dad and I have seen the exact situation on here before and people where screaming ok then offer to take DSC with no money angle. DSS may chose to stay in flat share as per his right, all DF have offered is another choice. I as a mum wouldn't have my nose knocked out of joint by this ?

If mum cant afford to run her house without DF/DSS supplementing the costs then she needs to look at her finances, she and her husband are adults and DSC shouldn't be bound to stay there because mum hasn't managed her money or known CM will end. It's not a forever bill paid because the first marriage failed!

Maybe she should get a lodger if times are hard ? Cut down on bills, anything other than put this at DSC door. Everyone bills are rising, it's not just first families that are impacted.

OP of DSC doesn't need the extra money (that's quite a lot tbh) maybe put it away in savings account for a deposit on a flat/house. I would strongly be advocating for DSC to make their own choices re living arrangements based on preference not guilt.

Original poster

Narwhalelife · 18/04/2022 19:18

I think in all honesty his mum can have him there but is trying to guilt DH into continuing to pay her. Not sure why as she has no grounds and SC is a good kid, really sensible. I’m sure he will offer her something (we hope he isn’t juped in to too much) but again that’s not our choice or place to mention because the money DH is giving him is for him to spend on what he needs.

And as @candlesandpitchforks says, of course we would have him. Why wouldn’t we? It’s not all about getting back at ex wife. He has stayed here for spells on and off over the last few years (most recently when ex wife was having work done to her house and he needed a quite space for homework etc).

I get it’s a controversial plan for some, but we are honestly trying to do right by SC and were just shocked that ex wife is upset by this!

OP posts:

candlesandpitchforks · 18/04/2022 20:40

@Narwhalelife

And as @candlesandpitchforks says, of course we would have him. Why wouldn’t we? It’s not all about getting back at ex wife. He has stayed here for spells on and off over the last few years (most recently when ex wife was having work done to her house and he needed a quite space for homework etc).

I get it’s a controversial plan for some, but we are honestly trying to do right by SC and were just shocked that ex wife is upset by this!

This is the thing. If parents put their DC first (which is often demand on MN that all SP do, at the detriment of anyone or anybody else in the house) there wouldn't be any surprise or upset. The mum as no right to extra money because that money is to pay for DC costs.

I would have no problem with your arrangement if I was the DM in this situation because I'm happy to put my DD first (and I had a fairly unhappy break up with my ex) but mostly people get their knickers in a twist over this type of thing because they can't use their own DC at best as pawns in power plays or worst resources to be used.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/04/2022 21:34

Yet another thread where step parents can do no right according to some. Your home is equally your DSC's home...but how dare you welcome the chance for them to actually live with you because you're only doing it to get at Saint Mum of CanDoNoWrong! Fucking double standards yet again.

Moochio · 18/04/2022 21:36

Hang on if they come and live with you then whats her issue? I'm confused? She won't need the maintenance as she won't be maintaining.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/04/2022 21:52

The funny thing is we're told time and again on this forum that child maintenance never comes close to even half of what it costs to raise a child, and that the money is for the child not the parent. Both parents in this case are paying to run a property big to house the DC, so their costs in that respect are equal. So surely by that reckoning the mum in this case would be financially better off if DSC comes to live in OP's household. Yet that's wrong too

RedWingBoots · 19/04/2022 09:31

@Moochio

Hang on if they come and live with you then whats her issue? I'm confused? She won't need the maintenance as she won't be maintaining.

Her issue is she expects the money while her "child" lives at her home.

It hasn't clicked that once her child leaves secondary school or is 19 that she isn't entitled to the money, and needs to talk to her adult child to get them to pay their way.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2022 09:58

I think if child support officially stops at 18, then it shouldn't be given to the child directly. He should tell his Ex the kid is 18 and he's stopping child support.

If dad wants to give his child money, then it shouldn't be called child support and it should just be a monthly allowance/pocket money from dad to child.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 10:30

It hasn't clicked that once her child leaves secondary school or is 19 that she isn't entitled to the money, and needs to talk to her adult child to get them to pay their way. ahh I see. Well that's for her to figure out.

SoggyPaper · 19/04/2022 10:35

@Moochio

Hang on if they come and live with you then whats her issue? I'm confused? She won't need the maintenance as she won't be maintaining.

Apparently that’s ‘punishing her’. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Soontobe60 · 19/04/2022 10:56

[quote Narwhalelife]@Amicompletelyinsane it’s just for 6month - one year until we hope this job opens up a better (better paid) opportunity for them.

If they had stayed in education then maintence would have been paid until 19 so we thought this was a compromise.[/quote]
But the maintenance would have been paid to the mum would it?

It does sound like you're trying to buy your sc tbh. If your sc would be giving their mum keep as theyre working full time, why not just carry on giving maintenance directly to mum?

A better solution would be for dh to pay a specific bill - or even better, put the money into an ISA that goes to the sc when they need money to rent a flat / buy a house / go travelling.

chickyellowcute · 19/04/2022 11:00

She's being ridiculous, maintenance is only paid while in education. If she needs that money now, it has to come from her sons wages which should be more than do-able if he's working full time

RedWingBoots · 19/04/2022 12:31

@Soontobe60 Depends.

If the child went to university or a college at a equivalent level the money goes to the adult child. I have friends who went to university at 17.

SoggyPaper · 19/04/2022 12:43

@chickyellowcute

She's being ridiculous, maintenance is only paid while in education. If she needs that money now, it has to come from her sons wages which should be more than do-able if he's working full time

Or he can choose to leave home and she can figure out her finances herself.

Original poster

Narwhalelife · 19/04/2022 20:44

@candlesandpitchforks I’m fairly new to MN and I love it tbh, but one of the things I am always shocked about is the perception on step mums and the fathers. Honestly we can’t do anything right. And everyone seems to always have the ex wife’s feelings at heart even when they are (in my view) clearly being unreasonable.

OP posts:

candlesandpitchforks · 19/04/2022 21:10

@Narwhalelife the thing is there's a awful lot of mums on the "other side of the fence" who haunt the SP board for their own issues and there numbers vast outweigh the SP so voices seem the loudest. They often don't feel considered in their own lives so often cry but what about mum (in some need for eternal apology for the first families breaking down)

The fact remains that blended families should consider needs of DC/DSC and don't have to morally or otherwise think of the needs of mum especially if mums unreasonable. DSC priority will always be ahead of mum in a blended family where as in a nuclear family mum is equal/higher priority to their children.

I put my DD ahead of me no matter what so I'm on board with any approach that does that tbh. But then I have seen what a mother gothel approach does to a kid so I'm probably biased to not seeing the positives of this approach 🤣

TorringtonDean · 21/04/2022 09:07

Kids don’t stop eating when they reach 18 or leave full-time education. So he’s clearly costing mum something for eating and heating! If he’s earning his own money or gets cash from dad then he should contribute to his costs - particularly if the household is struggling. Dad should encourage that.

Most teenagers don’t earn enough to house themselves. In fact the costs only go on rising for whoever is housing them - because they eat a lot more than say an eight-year-old!

It’s normally a transition time when youngsters leave school and uni. They don’t always have an income straight away and yet they usually do still have a roof over their head and food on the table at their family home! Hopefully it will just be a few months before he has a more stable income or maybe takes up a place in HE with a maintenance loan.

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