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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ok…bit of a rant…SC turning 18

99 replies

Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 11:50

Ok, so me & DH have been together 14 yrs. He has always paid and had access to SC. Never faltered on anything in 14 years, even when we had some really testing times financially & work wise. He has also supported various hobbies, paid extra for school bits, trips, birthday parties etc. Some SP may even say a bit of a Disney Dad (at times I’m inclined to agree🙄) but he has been a good dad.

SC turns 18 next month and is leaving school ASAP to take a year out to work, SC already has a job that will go to near full time hours when school is over.

He has agreed that he will continue to pay child support but will give this to SC directly so they they can learn to budget, be independent but also have the money they need to pay for what they need. Car insurance, petrol, phone etc. and if they choose to give some as rent that’s fine. The maintenance is £400 per month.

His ex apparently is furious. Stating that he is doing this at a time that HE KNOWS is bad for her and her new husband financially. She has told SC that she doesn’t know how she will be able to look after them anymore. She is saying that he is wrong to stop at 18 and should continue to a date unspecified.

We have therefore offered for them to live with us, no worries at all. But We live a bit further out from everything than she does so SC unsure atm.

AIBU to think that his ex partner shouldn’t have an issue with this?? That this is a fair agreement?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/04/2022 12:12

If they had stayed in education then maintence would have been paid until 19

My friend took her husband to court and he payed maintenance until the child had finished full time education

As did my ex

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 12:12

@NarcissasMumintheDoghouse absolutely, we have said 12 months maximum.

And have said to SC to have the discussion about rent etc but obviously this would be lower than the £400 ex wife is used too

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 12:14

@cansu absolutely isn’t a dig at the mum, just an honest offer and if we choose not to charge rent or a smaller amount then that’s up to us. I think the ex wife if more worried about loosing the whole amount than charging a bit of rent

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 12:16

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow yeah and had he had stayed then would have carried on. But it’s very clear (has been for years) that SC was not carrying on with eduction after 18

OP posts:
OnceUponAThread · 17/04/2022 12:20

@cansu

I was with you until you said that you had offered for sc to live with you rent free. Basically, you are making the sc choose between paying their mum rent and board or having 400 and living with you rent free. It really comes across as a way of having a dig at his mum. Maybe what would have been better is to think what is a reasonable amount of rent and board. Take that out of the 400 and give board to the mother or your proportion of that amount and then give the rest to your sc. That way you are continuing to support them living at home. (most parents do this) and supporting your dc with other costs.
Absolutely bonkers. No way should they be paying money to the ex directly.

Maintenance stops. That's right and fair. The child is now an adult and has a job.

At this stage, parents may decide to continue providing financial support to their children or not. That depends on a range of factors (family income, higher education or not, cost of living, pay of entry job and so on).

In this case, dad and SM have decided that £400pm is the right level of voluntary support. That's the arrangement they've decided with the child and that's fine.

The ex's financial circumstances are irrelevant here. She's remarried and is a separate unit. If they're having financial difficulties - that's their problem to solve.

They could ask for room and board from the child. Many parents do, and this could be a proportion of earnings or a set amount they think is fair.

The child can agree, or can move out (either into their dad's or into private rental funded out of the combination of work and the £400 that OP is paying).

Under your suggestion - if the child moves in with OP and dad, surely the mum would then be expected to provide the £400. Because you're treating it like child maintenance.

But it's NOT. It's essentially a pocket money arrangement of £100 per week between OP and Dad and the child.

Mum needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, arrange her own finances appropriately and stop relying on Op and partner to fund her.

MikeandDave · 17/04/2022 12:20

It sounds a fair plan but what is the mum's financial problems. My sister had a large portion of her housing benefit stopped when her eldest turned 18 and left school and this did cause a lot of problems for her as DN was not earning enough to pay the difference. So although your plan is fair and really any rent should be worked out between SC and his mum if there is a real financial problem with housing say, then maybe you could talk to SC about whether they should be paying some rent if they are going to live at home.

SoggyPaper · 17/04/2022 12:21

@cansu

I was with you until you said that you had offered for sc to live with you rent free. Basically, you are making the sc choose between paying their mum rent and board or having 400 and living with you rent free. It really comes across as a way of having a dig at his mum. Maybe what would have been better is to think what is a reasonable amount of rent and board. Take that out of the 400 and give board to the mother or your proportion of that amount and then give the rest to your sc. That way you are continuing to support them living at home. (most parents do this) and supporting your dc with other costs.
Why?

This is an adult who has elected not to be in education any longer? Why should his father pay his mother board on his behalf?

Seriously.

SoggyPaper · 17/04/2022 12:26

@MikeandDave

It sounds a fair plan but what is the mum's financial problems. My sister had a large portion of her housing benefit stopped when her eldest turned 18 and left school and this did cause a lot of problems for her as DN was not earning enough to pay the difference. So although your plan is fair and really any rent should be worked out between SC and his mum if there is a real financial problem with housing say, then maybe you could talk to SC about whether they should be paying some rent if they are going to live at home.
All of that is predictable though.

Your children are adults and finishing education. So child benefit will stop. So will additional benefits you get because you no longer have dependent children. And maintenance will stop too.

You can anticipate this years in advance. It’s not her ex’s job to fix that. And if she wants board from her child, she’s perfectly capable of organising that herself.

Having a child with someone doesn’t make them financially responsible for you for the rest of your life.

MzHz · 17/04/2022 12:27

[quote Narwhalelife]@Quartz2208 yeah that’s the plan, I think ex wife just seems to think she will have the money directly for longer[/quote]
We had this. H told his ex that he’d paid everything asked of him and more for a long time and had counted down the days to when the maintenance would end, so now they’re graduated, it stops.

This and she got a HUGE settlement

Greedy people who live off others get pissed off when they have to be responsible for their own income. They treated him like an ATM.

I’m the only wife that’s worked btw…

MzHz · 17/04/2022 12:29

The ex here has remarried! Why the fuck is op h supposed to keep paying to keep the roof over another blokes head? Wtaf!

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 12:31

It’s fine to give directly, but I would expect SC to be paying rent to their mum and I would do what I could to make sure that happened. They should pay her rent.

Although in fact of they are working to save for uni would it not be best to pay it directly in a savings account? They should still pay rent though.

This seems a better solution than Sc moving in w you if you are further out. And it’s a little aggressive if your DP has suggested this before either of the above.

Itsbackagain · 17/04/2022 12:37

I think it's absolutely fair and has nothing to do with the mother at all. She's just being greedy. If she want to or needs to charge rent then she should and her son can pay it out his wages.

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 12:40

I am pleased to hear that most people think this is a fair arrangement albeit a tad over generous 😬sometimes it’s hard to see what to do for the best.

The crux of it is, DH (and I) didn’t want to just cut SC off as legally we could. But also didn’t want to be a constant tap of money (pay for insurance, phone, but then oh Iv runout of petrol, oh I need this and that) as teenagers are good for 🤣

We have DD who is academically minded and wants to be a vet so we (but mainly me) are putting some money aside for her for uni isn’t he hope she can have a couple of years or concentrating on stud etc . So this agreement for SC if kind of mirroring that type of support without the legal obligation.

I totally agree SC needs that convo with mum about rent but it’s awkward because they are aware of financial issues in the home and know that the mum will miss the full £400 so is unlikely to be satisfied with less.

It’s messy and we only care about SC’s feelings, welfare in this. So I know DH feels a tiny bit guilty as his ex wife’s situation has a knock on affect to SC

OP posts:
muddyford · 17/04/2022 12:40

Surely ex-wife still needs to be able to feed her 18 year old, and pay bills he had a part in?

Daleksatemyshed · 17/04/2022 12:43

His ex sounds like a friend of mine, I've told her once her DC are over a certain age the maintenance stops but she won't have it. She thinks as the DM of his DC he will always provide for her. I think you're being very kind to your SS Op abd I hooe he does well

LouisRenault · 17/04/2022 12:52

Surely ex-wife still needs to be able to feed her 18 year old, and pay bills he had a part in?

Then she has that discussion with him.

UserError012345 · 17/04/2022 12:58

It doesn't matter what the ex thinks.
It's not your business. She can be upset all she wants. If there are 2 adults in her household and both are capable of working then she needs to make a plan ASAP on how she will manage.

Eightiesfan · 17/04/2022 13:00

Surely CM is to support the child not to support ExW and her DH as they are struggling financially. I think what you have suggested is an ideal solution, if it’s what DSC wants and doesn’t mind moving.

Magda72 · 17/04/2022 13:05

Not meaning to sound critical of you op but I think this is really 'off'.
The thing that stands out for me is that it is mainly you putting aside for a joint dd while the household is paying for an sc - I personally don't think that's right.
I also don't think giving someone who's working full time an extra 400 per month is a great idea. As pp's have pointed out that doesn't teach budgeting. I would be far more inclined to put that 400 away in case sdc decides to go back to education or training & have it in reserve.
As for the ex - she has no leg to stand on. The child is 18 & leaving education with an option to live elsewhere (with you).
I honestly do not understand these women who think dc are a ticket to ongoing financial support from their exes!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 17/04/2022 13:13

You’re a lovely step mum

Bogofftosomewherehot · 17/04/2022 13:18

[quote Narwhalelife]@titchy me and DH agreed that he will be able to live with us rent free (or minimal) amount until the have a real plan for work etc. uni/ apprenticeship isn’t on the cards just yet but the job he does is a gateway to something in the future.

We don’t need to charge rent per say, but happy for them to use the money to pay their mum if needed but that’s their agreement[/quote]
So is it a proper almost full time job or not? How much are they earning? Sounds like they still need some support as they find their feet.

How far away do you live from mum?

chesirecat99 · 17/04/2022 13:44

@cansu

I was with you until you said that you had offered for sc to live with you rent free. Basically, you are making the sc choose between paying their mum rent and board or having 400 and living with you rent free. It really comes across as a way of having a dig at his mum. Maybe what would have been better is to think what is a reasonable amount of rent and board. Take that out of the 400 and give board to the mother or your proportion of that amount and then give the rest to your sc. That way you are continuing to support them living at home. (most parents do this) and supporting your dc with other costs.
YANBU that you don't owe his DM to support her financial issues but as cansu says, your plan feels like a bit of a dig at the DM. It's a bit of a Disney dad way to behave.

Of course your DSC is going to choose living with you rent free and have £400 spending money over paying rent to his DM. It does feel a bit like your DH is being all munificent now your DSC is an independent adult, using CM to bribe your DSC at his DM's expense, not just financially. I think I would be a bit hurt if I were the DM.

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 13:45

@Magda72 sorry should have been clearer - DH pays for SC out of his money.

We have then have an equal debit for DD but I add a tiny extra bit in (purely my choice). Because I know that it would be a bit more of a struggle for DH to also put more in and I’m fine with that. I’m DD’s mum so happy to contribute towards her even if it’s more than DH.

It does sound like a lot and I am now thinking that maybe we cut it down a bit or put half of that away for them but ultimately it’s not my choice as I say DH always has paid and will continue to do so

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 13:46

@Whatsonmymindgrapes 🥰 thank you, it’s been a difficult 14 years at times but I really hope I have always done the best for my DH, DD & SC x

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 13:47

@Bogofftosomewherehot it’s about 30-35 hours per week, minimum wage with the opportunity to sell some pieces and get a bit more

OP posts: