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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ok…bit of a rant…SC turning 18

99 replies

Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 11:50

Ok, so me & DH have been together 14 yrs. He has always paid and had access to SC. Never faltered on anything in 14 years, even when we had some really testing times financially & work wise. He has also supported various hobbies, paid extra for school bits, trips, birthday parties etc. Some SP may even say a bit of a Disney Dad (at times I’m inclined to agree🙄) but he has been a good dad.

SC turns 18 next month and is leaving school ASAP to take a year out to work, SC already has a job that will go to near full time hours when school is over.

He has agreed that he will continue to pay child support but will give this to SC directly so they they can learn to budget, be independent but also have the money they need to pay for what they need. Car insurance, petrol, phone etc. and if they choose to give some as rent that’s fine. The maintenance is £400 per month.

His ex apparently is furious. Stating that he is doing this at a time that HE KNOWS is bad for her and her new husband financially. She has told SC that she doesn’t know how she will be able to look after them anymore. She is saying that he is wrong to stop at 18 and should continue to a date unspecified.

We have therefore offered for them to live with us, no worries at all. But We live a bit further out from everything than she does so SC unsure atm.

AIBU to think that his ex partner shouldn’t have an issue with this?? That this is a fair agreement?

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 13:47

@Bogofftosomewherehot - next town so not miles

OP posts:
savedbyanalien · 17/04/2022 13:50

The ExW can stfu. Pay direct to SC.

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 13:52

@chesirecat99 it could been seen like this but ultimately if his mum can’t afford to continue to after him (as she says) then of course we would have him. No debate. Why wouldn’t we offer this. And the fact that we don’t have to take rent (or we might still decide to) is irrelevant to us and we think SC knows this.

OP posts:
Moochio · 17/04/2022 14:01

She must have known it would come to an end.

SeasonFinale · 17/04/2022 14:04

The issue isn't really what you pay to the SC which is above the legal obligation.

The issue is merely that your DH does not have to pay child support to the ex anymore. She has known for 14 years that it will stop when her child leaves school.

As you say any arrangement she has regarding rent from SC is between her and them.

Don't worry you are doing a nice thing by continuing to pay anything to SC anyway.

Beautiful3 · 17/04/2022 14:04

I really don't know about this one. As the ex still has bills to pay, e.g council tax, food, gas/electric etc. So...its a tough one. If the step child is working full time, they'll have to negotiate board money. They'll have to pay something to their mum. It's not very helpful for their dad to announce they can live with you, rent free.

Moochio · 17/04/2022 14:05

@MikeandDave

It sounds a fair plan but what is the mum's financial problems. My sister had a large portion of her housing benefit stopped when her eldest turned 18 and left school and this did cause a lot of problems for her as DN was not earning enough to pay the difference. So although your plan is fair and really any rent should be worked out between SC and his mum if there is a real financial problem with housing say, then maybe you could talk to SC about whether they should be paying some rent if they are going to live at home.
That's between SC and their mum. Shit all to do with dad.
Moochio · 17/04/2022 14:06

@Beautiful3

I really don't know about this one. As the ex still has bills to pay, e.g council tax, food, gas/electric etc. So...its a tough one. If the step child is working full time, they'll have to negotiate board money. They'll have to pay something to their mum. It's not very helpful for their dad to announce they can live with you, rent free.
Yes it is. If mum can't afford their upkeep dad is saying it's fine he can live there. The ex has had loads of time to workout what to do.
Hollywolly1 · 17/04/2022 14:24

If its a bad time for the ex wife's new husband, not your concern end of

Mintyt · 17/04/2022 15:05

Considering he doesn't need to pay any more as he has finished education and has a job. She should have been aware that maintenance and child benefit will stop as it does for us all. The face you are happy to support your SC is good, and if he has a job he needs to pay a little rent, she is being UR to expect you to continue to pay her

Moochio · 17/04/2022 15:09

You've given her a bottle of notice but really wtf was she expecting to happen?

gamerchick · 17/04/2022 15:13

Nothing wrong with your idea, it's sterling. More notice than a month might have been useful but not really your problem.

Moochio · 17/04/2022 15:20

@gamerchick

Nothing wrong with your idea, it's sterling. More notice than a month might have been useful but not really your problem.
Might have been useful yes but presumably she knew when her child's birthday was.
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 15:20

Should have said that this was agreed with SC before Christmas and DH hadn’t heard anything from his ex until now as I imagine she thought he wouldn’t do it?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 17/04/2022 15:51

I thought at first it was way too much money to hand over to a teen, but as you have shared more about their job and the setup, I can see it’s a really nice, considered offer.

The ex is living in cuckoo land if she expects support behind 18 for a working child. I also think it would be sad if she took most or all of the £400 from your SS. Him moving in with you sounds like a great solution.

I’m worried we are heading towards a similar situation as ex is very bad with money. We won’t be paying after 18 but will be supporting DSC direct through Uni.

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 15:58

@MeridianB we thought long and hard and did discuss other options like
Paying bills, car insurance, phone etc but actually having dad pay for those things doesn’t give the ‘you are 18 and old enough to take responsibility’ message we wanted to get home lol

And we kept it the same amount as the CM was so that no one (ex wife) can say that DH is doing him a disservice as soon as he turned 18.

It won’t be for longer than 12 months just some breathing space for him to get sorted and give his ideas a go. As 18 is still young to have all your life sorted out 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 15:59

*not have life sorted out

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 17/04/2022 16:08

Of course your DSC is going to choose living with you rent free and have £400 spending money over paying rent to his DM. It does feel a bit like your DH is being all munificent now your DSC is an independent adult, using CM to bribe your DSC at his DM's expense, not just financially. I think I would be a bit hurt if I were the DM.

Kids grow up and leave home. They might decide they’d rather live with dad. Or they might move out and rent in a shared flat.

The SC has choices here. And his mother can take financial responsibility for her own life. It’s really not short notice that her own child is now 18 and has elected to leave education.

Octomore · 17/04/2022 16:13

[quote Narwhalelife]@NorthSouthcatlady no idea 🤦‍♀️ But I think she thought he would be paying until SC was in a ‘proper job’ hence the compromise we have suggested here. And I say we, because this was actually my idea 🤣[/quote]
What incentive does SC have to get a "proper job", or even just a better paying job if their dad is giving them £400 a month?

I actually think paying the SC is a ridiculous idea. If they need to learn to budget, then it won't help.

It's just £400 of disposable spends for an adult who works full time but currently pays no rent/board. Oh, and they'll lose it if they get a proper job, so it's a perverse incentive in that respect.

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 16:21

@Octomore not how we see it. SC has bills - car insurance for 18 yr old 😳, phone bill, Netflix, petrol, then there is materials for the art etc he does which is a huge passion and has a chance of making a career out of and part of the reason DH has agreed to support in this way.

It’s imagined there will be some rent/board out of the money paid especially if SC remains with mum.

Plus SC is considering saving some to pay for a course they think they will need in the future to help.

So all things considered it’s not a huge amount and yes it’s more than some have but this is the same money DH has been contributing to his life since he was 4.

OP posts:
chesirecat99 · 17/04/2022 16:23

Wait, hang on, has this come to a head now because you are going to start paying the SC directly when they turn 18 next month and are still at school? You can't do that. You need to keep paying until he leaves education. Plus all that handing £400 to a DC at school is going to do is make them feel resentment at having to hand it over to mum to pay for board and lodging when everyone else is living at home with their parents for free.

It still seems a bit off to me, even if you are waiting until your SDS starts work full time. £400 a month board and lodging seems a reasonable amount for his DM to charge him if she can't afford to support him once he is working. That wouldn't cover a room in a shared house here, let alone utilities and food, I can't imagine there are many places that it would cost less.

You say that your motivation is you want to support you SDS get a start in their career and teach them budgeting and independence. I'm not sure how giving them a £400 allowance on top of their wages teaches them anything about independence and budgeting, living within their means (although I want to help out and would probably do the same), it's the opposite. If they then need to hand it directly to their DM for board and lodging, that isn't teaching them anything about budgeting either. All it seems to achieve is making your DH look generous and his DM look like she isn't supporting him because she is taking money from him. It's easy for an 18 year old to see direct costs like food but the cost of providing a home isn't so obvious. Especially now you are offering a home for free on top of the allowance.

As much as I agree in principle that her financial issues are nothing to do with you, it seems like this has been handled in a way that causes trouble and makes your DH look like the generous Disney dad. Unless I have misunderstood, it sounds like your DH has pitched this as giving his DS a £400 generous allowance without pointing out that when he stops paying his ex maintenance, his DS will have to pay for his own upkeep instead.

Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 16:23

@Octomore - and obviously it’s short term, not many parents send their 20- something year old children monthly DD’s. SC wants to work, always has bless him. He see’s this as support not a ‘perverse incentive’ 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 17/04/2022 16:28

@chesirecat99 SC is fully leaving full time education. He may do a course in a year or so’s time but not certain and isn’t ‘full time education’.

It’s 100% nothing about making anyone look bad, purely about supporting a young adult when legally the obligation stops.

The work is about 30 hours per well minimum wage - chance to earn abit extra but in a creative field so not 100% guaranteed etc.

SC will have to budget the money. £400 is a lot for a parent to ask for IMO and I have my own DD and I wouldn’t charge her £400 a month aged 18 it’s a bit steep.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 18/04/2022 08:09

*Magda72 sorry should have been clearer - DH pays for SC out of his money.

We have then have an equal debit for DD but I add a tiny extra bit in (purely my choice). Because I know that it would be a bit more of a struggle for DH to also put more in and I’m fine with that. I’m DD’s mum so happy to contribute towards her even if it’s more than DH.

It does sound like a lot and I am now thinking that maybe we cut it down a bit or put half of that away for them but ultimately it’s not my choice as I say DH always has paid and will continue to do so*

Ah ok @Narwhalelife I see where you're at Smile.
I personally have issues with working/adult dc being funded by parents as I've seen it backfire SO many times in both my own extended family & in my exdp's case. Ex dp's dc never worked a day in their lives & got handed everything on a plate. Now at 22 his eldest has dropped out of his second college course, is living rent free in exdp's house, is swanning around in a car paid for & run by exdp & is turning down jobs because he "doesn't really want to do that type of work." This guy is totally lost & I can't ever see him getting a handle on himself. I know this is not the same as your scenario op & is probably more on the extreme end, but I honestly think being too easy on dc does them no favours which probably makes me come across as harsh when I'm anything but.

chesirecat99 · 18/04/2022 12:49

SC will have to budget the money. £400 is a lot for a parent to ask for IMO and I have my own DD and I wouldn’t charge her £400 a month aged 18 it’s a bit steep.

But you are looking at that from the perspective of a parent who can afford to subsidise their child. It sounds like the ex can't. Also, you don't know whether she is including paying for things like Netflix, phone, car insurance etc when she says she can't afford to support him without the £400.

If your DD is planning on going to vet school in London, Bristol, Cambridge, Edinburgh etc she will be paying at least twice that a month in board and lodging at 18 in a student houseshare.

If your DSS is working full time at minimum wage and getting £400 a month allowance (tax free), that's an annual income of over £17k! His salary will be below the income tax threshold so most of that will go straight into his pocket. I think he can afford to pay his DM £92 a week for food, utilities and his room.

I totally agree with you that the ex's financial issues aren't anything to do with you and it's good that your DH is supporting his DS start his career and isn't ending financial support the second he legally can. However, I don't think you are helping your SDS to be independent by offering him free board and lodging, you should be encouraging him to pay his way with his DM.

Wouldn't it have been better for the DSS to pitch this as now you are 18 and starting work CM stops so you will have to pay your DM board and lodging from your wages, however, I'm going to contribute the £400 a month I was paying towards setting up your business and education? I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but I can see how this might feel like you are giving the DSS a financial incentive to leave home to cause his DM financial issues and/or cause resentment about having to pay board and lodging/make your DH look like the generous parent.

Plus SC is considering saving some to pay for a course they think they will need in the future to help.

You've said this is just for a year or so to help him get on his feet. What about the course that he is thinking of taking? Are you not going to support him while he is studying just because it isn't a university course where parents are expected to support their DC financially and it isn't full time? It seems a bit unfair that your DH is going to support your DD through 5/6 years of vet school but not his DS's studies. Have you considered that?