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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

H leaving stepchild in stepmother care without discussion

44 replies

Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:13

Hi all,

Married to h. Have a 4 year old ds with him and dss aged 12. The latter lives with us full time - does not see his mum and she appears to be out of U.K.

H and I are pretty much separated but living in sane property. This is due to what has been called his coercive abuse of myself and ds to an extent. H was reported to social services regarding his treatment of dss initially. H and i are not on speaking terms and barely communicate - by email unless it’s very urgent

Without telling me, h left over the weekend to return to his country of origin and decided to leave dss behind in my care without any consultation with me. I was out with ds and received an email stating that He was travelling and that he has left dss behind due to him having a tantrum. He has been vague about when he is returning.

I have said that I am happy that look after dss in his absence although being told about it after the event is not satisfactory, never mind not telling me or ds that he is going.

My intention was to visit my parents with ds this week elsewhere in the U.K. and h knew that I intended to go away this week. Given that o cannot abandon dss, I now have to rearrange my plans but h is dodging the question when I ask him…

Does anybody have any advice how to deal/address this situation? I should say that there is a significant history of h’s manipulation and control towards me but I do not want to put myself.

OP posts:

Newmama29 · 13/04/2022 20:43

Where did he leave DSS when he fucked off out the country? You say you were told about it after the fact he’d left so was DSS just abandoned alone in the house whilst having a tantrum?

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 13/04/2022 20:44

@RedWingBoots - I am hoping to divorce h soon due to controlling and manipulative behaviour towards me, a good example being this situation.
Unfortunately I don’t think I could have my dss full time. Partly his dads fault but he and I are not close. There are other factors too (including his attitude towards ds) which I can’t talk about here as too outing. Of course that doesn’t mean I am not concerned for his welfare

OP posts:

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 13/04/2022 20:47

@Newmama29- I assume so yes. I was out with ds when I received the email from h stating he was travelling and that he was leaving dss to me as dss was having a last minute tantrum and refusing to go with him

When I arrived home I found dss there

OP posts:

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 13/04/2022 20:49

@Tiredtiredtired100 - I keep receiving mixed advice about moving though I am inclined towards to agree with you. Fact is that h has been abusive towards me and dss In different ways and social services keep telling me to get out…

OP posts:

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 13/04/2022 20:51

H is still refusing to tell me when he is returning and being deliberately vague about it, just to ruin my plans to visit family (obviously I can’t leave dss on his own ). Dss has an older sister whom could easily travel to us to care for him, she is a uni student in U.K.

OP posts:

Newmama29 · 13/04/2022 21:00

@Zanzibar999 that is truly awful. I would be ensuring social services know that he left a distraught 12 year old home alone as well. Thank god your DSS has you. That poor child has been abandoned by both his parents & really needs some stability & family. I hope you are able to provide that for him & allow him a good relationship with his brother. Can you not take DSS with you to visit your parents?

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 13/04/2022 21:16

@Newmama29 - dss was not distraught when I saw him, looked perfectly fine playing on phone. His dads version of events is that dss didn’t want to go…
Dss is not the easiest child to deal with most likely due to the trauma of being separated from mother but I fully appreciate he needs stability.
I can’t really take him with me as I dint think he would want to go plus we are from completely different backgrounds (again don’t want to out self) which means that he may not be comfortable at my parents

In any event his dad is refusing to tell me when he is returning so looks like I either stay to look after dss or hand him into care

OP posts:

AndAsIfByMagic · 14/04/2022 06:36

Message your husband saying you are going to have to put DSS into care.

And do it. Your marriage is over anyway.

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 14/04/2022 06:53

I would love to do that but part of me feels sorry for the boy and I am scared of the repercussions of doing do from h. H will find. Way to punish me somehow and make my life even more difficult

OP posts:

AndAsIfByMagic · 14/04/2022 08:37

You are going to have to take the risk sometime. You need to get out of the relationship.

RedWingBoots · 14/04/2022 09:17

OP I agree with the others - put your SS in care as you cannot look after him.

It is unfair on him (as well as you) to look after him when you are going to walk out off his life very shortly.

Social services will not swing into gear if you are looking after him.

I did send you a PM which does contain some useful info for you even though you now said you can't look after the boy.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/04/2022 09:25

How bad is ´not comfortable at your parents’ likely to be? Obviously you don’t need to answer that here, but I’d be tempted to call my parents and explain the situation and just take DSS with me on my planned trip. As long as both your parents and tour DSS can manage to treat each other civilly and there’s somewhere for him to sleep (even if that’s a camp bed on the floor) or you’re only going for the day.

CarmenThePanda · 14/04/2022 09:26

It is the Uni Easter hols . I would contact the sister and ask her to come and look after Dss while you go to your parents, e mail H, copying in social worker, and say you expect a definite arrangement for his return.

Gazelda · 14/04/2022 09:47

@CarmenThePanda

I agree with @CarmenThePanda. Get the sister involved. Don't let your ex control you any longer. As long as you make sure DSS is safe and with someone who will care for him, then I think you should go to your DPs.

lemongreentea · 14/04/2022 10:20

Get the sister involved or put him into care. Poor boy. You sound kind and thoughtful but not your problem.

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 14/04/2022 10:52

Ok, so spoke with social services - they won’t get involved unless I reach out to dss first.
Have reached out to dss and asked when she is coming home for hols. I darent ask her directly atm as she will no doubt get upset and go running to her dad, whom of course will then take it out on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zanzibar999 · 14/04/2022 10:53

H is not my ex unfortunately- soon to be ex!

OP posts:

MachineBee · 14/04/2022 11:07

You are in a terrible position here but you need to be firm. And take the advice from social services about moving out. I would make an appointment with a solicitor asap to understand your legal rights and options - and also have someone backing you up. This Easter weekend may not be as you planned but make it the last time he disrupts your life. Is it worth moving away (perhaps nearer your family)? I realise that is a lot of disruption for jobs, schools and housing but if you have a plan you will find it easier to stay strong.

Oh and while your Ex is away remember to copy and secure all financial and legal records.

Sweepingeyelashes · 15/04/2022 03:59

If you are ever going to get out of this situation you are going to have to do something like getting a divorce. Yes your husband may not react well but the alternative is living in this limbo where he routinely makes you miserable and you end up caring for a child who is not your responsibility.

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