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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holiday with SC - please offer advise :(

101 replies

berries0q · 06/04/2022 16:19

Hi everyone

Me & my partner have a baby together, my partner has a 6yo boy from previous relationship.

So We are planning an abroad family holiday, however partners ex isn't allowing the 6yo to come with us. She is being awkward, said she will consider it, 2 weeks later bounces back with 'it's a no from me'.
This isn't the first time she has been awkward, however I have been able to ignore her until now, this has really p*ssed me off. My dp is upset as he doesn't want his son to miss out on a holiday as his mum Doesn't take him anywhere. I don't want him to feel left out and I want our family all together on this holiday.
What do we do? Do we not go so the 6yo doesn't feel left out? Or do we go anyway?
I don't want mine, or more importantly my baby's life to be dictated by this woman. I don't want my child missing out on experiences cos she says no.

Has anyone been in this situation and can offer advice?

OP posts:
Beamur · 06/04/2022 16:23

To be honest, I would go anyway. Don't let this dictate the plan but if you are finding it difficult to agree visitation terms amicably you might need a court order.

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 16:24

Tricky one. Is it the 2 weeks? Could you go for a shorter one during dads contact time or does he need her permission to take DSC out the country?

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 16:25

Ah sorry thought it was a 2 week holiday for Some reason.

I'd go anyway tbh as long as it didn't mess up dad's contact schedule. Mum's the one stopping it.

Chamomileteaplease · 06/04/2022 16:26

Is your partner a hands on dad? Would his son be emotionally comfortable with his dad away from his mum for a however long the holiday is? It's not a given with some dads sadly.

But I would go and enjoy the holiday with your baby, make the most of it and hopefully in time the boy's mother may come round. Or as Beamur says, get it court ordered.

Whatever you do, do not stay home just because of this.

aSofaNearYou · 06/04/2022 16:27

You go anyway. You can't never go because of this.

Just try not to miss contact.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 16:31

Go, of course.

It is very sad though and pretty horrible of the Mum.

HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 16:34

Your partner should take her to court.

AndAsIfByMagic · 06/04/2022 16:37

Go anyway. If he asks why he's not going tell him his mother said he couldn't.

funinthesun19 · 06/04/2022 16:41

You’re absolutely right. You can’t let her dictate your life or your baby’s life, so you should go on the holiday.

She will probably change her tune when you go on the holiday and complain that you went without dss. You can just see that happening. Your DP should keep all messages from her stating how much she doesn’t want dss to go and then he can show her as a reminder.

Then next year hopefully she won’t stop you once she’s realised the hard way how much she doesn’t want dss to miss out.

ChickPhilA · 06/04/2022 16:44

Take her to court for contact because the ex will just continue to scupper plans and dictate all aspects of your life.

Go on the holiday you want and enjoy it.

WeeOrcadian · 06/04/2022 16:44

I suspect there may be more to this, a backstory but I'd be going anyway then taking her to court when you get back. Get something down in writing, about visitation and holidays.

User5643638 · 06/04/2022 16:50

I had this with my ex, except my older DD was coming too, and he had a DD the same age who wasn't allowed to. I ended up taking the kids with my mum as his DD would have been devastated if we all went without her. So sad, some mums are vile

Fireflygal · 06/04/2022 17:00

What is current contact arrangements?

A parent cannot stop access to holidays unless it's occurring during school time. When is the holiday?

If he usually has regular contact with his son but there is no formal contact order he needs to apply to court to get one or if you have time now ask her to go to mediation to resolve the issue.

You don't need a solicitor - your dp can start the process by notifing his ex that due to her unwillingness to allow the holiday he will start the process for a court order contact schedule to include holidays. This should be by email.

Next step is to speak to a family mediator to arrange mediation. If ex refuses to attend then you can get mediation signed off and apply for a court order. It's on the local court website and can be downloaded and submitted with the fee.

They really is no other alternative. You have at least 10 years of this so getting a formal agreement is key.

RoyKentsChestHair · 06/04/2022 17:12

I would make sure you have it writing that you would love your DSS to come on the holiday and how sorry you are that she has decided he can’t come. Because I guarantee at some point it will come back and bite you on the bum if you go without him. But do go, she can ruin his summer but she shouldn’t be allowed to ruin yours and your baby’s. Your DP will have to decide if he wants to be included too, and if he’s going to spend the whole time moaning and feeling guilty then he can stay at home too!

gogohm · 06/04/2022 17:23

Is it in term time? If so you can refuse otherwise you can go to court

SteppingOutAgain · 06/04/2022 17:32

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, you can’t let someone else dictate yours or your baby’s life. With that in mind, I would absolutely go and have a lovely time.

I can understand DH being upset but that’s the reality of the situation, he can either get on with life or dwell on it…the latter creating a lot of misery and bitterness.

Honestly, my DP used to not like doing things without DSC. I pointed out that they were having a lovely time with mum so why shouldn’t DC have a lovely time with us. I wanted all the children to be as little affected as possible by the living situation…can’t make them suffer because he’s got a child from a previous relationship.

I would start logging all these things though, build a case in case you did decide to go down the court route.

123sunshine · 06/04/2022 17:33

Don’t March to the beat of exes drum it’s really sad she’s behaving like that. Go and enjoy your holiday. Your step son is still so young, but he will be instrumental in plans fo the furore. Aske hi if he’s like to go away and where and Thant may have an impact on the result. I’m a divorced mum (remarried) my kids have always traveled a lot with their dad (and with me also) I just don’t understand parents that use their kids as pawns in their battles. I have an older stepson (21), a couple of times he’s declined our offers to go away, he’s come away once, we can’t put our lives on hold to please all (or him). Stepson is an adult now, there is a pot Of money put by for him to holiday Independently (as compensation) as he’s been reluctant to join some of our plans.! His mums not been over keen to take him away with her as she’s been at that akward moodily teenager stage. What I’ve learnt about blended families that it’s impossible to make equal for all…just have to do your best

123sunshine · 06/04/2022 17:36

Apologies for the typos in my response.

DramaLlamaAlwaysLaughs · 06/04/2022 17:57

Missed calls and msgs and accusations.. fuck that I’d be off

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/04/2022 18:01

Go on the holiday. If she wants to hurt her own child, there's nothing you can do about it.

Would agree getting a contact order in place is a good idea for next year etc.

Babadook76 · 06/04/2022 18:03

Have you got a court order? I’d be going on the holiday and taking the sc whether she likes it or not

FrMaguire · 06/04/2022 18:12

Sad as it is for your dss, I think I'd go anyway with your dp and your baby. Or maybe like a pp suggested, do a shorter one nearer home? I definitely wouldn't let the exw choose whether YOU get to go on holiday which is what is happening if you cancel entirely

howtomoveforwards · 06/04/2022 18:14

Have you got a court order? I’d be going on the holiday and taking the sc whether she likes it or not

That’s a dangerous game to play, generates even more distrust and potentially she could go to court in the OP’s absence and state her child has been kidnapped. If successful, he may then experience difficulties taking his child abroad in the future. That’s assuming he’s not challenged at passport control and asked to produce mum’s permission for the holiday.

OP - a Specific Issues Order should be easy to obtain in court and ensure that the child is allowed to travel with you. To avoid issues, offering to have a solicitor hold the passport and you return it to the solicitor the next working day might cut the ex off at the pass. It’s not difficult, a solicitor wouldn’t be required as the courts are not I. The habit of refusing holidays with a parent.

FrMaguire · 06/04/2022 18:16

Yes, don't do what @Babadook76 suggested ffs 🙄

She'll accuse him of kidnapping.

I understand why you'd want to though...but longterm, a terrible idea

howtomoveforwards · 06/04/2022 18:16

My dp is upset as he doesn't want his son to miss out on a holiday as his mum Doesn't take him anywhere

Forgot to say, this really doesn’t help. Plenty of people are struggling to be able to do anything other than free stuff with their children in the current climate. It really helps not to judge. We’re all doing our best with a difficult situation.

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