Holiday with SC - please offer advise :(

[berries0q]

Hi everyone

Me & my partner have a baby together, my partner has a 6yo boy from previous relationship.

So We are planning an abroad family holiday, however partners ex isn't allowing the 6yo to come with us. She is being awkward, said she will consider it, 2 weeks later bounces back with 'it's a no from me'.
This isn't the first time she has been awkward, however I have been able to ignore her until now, this has really p*ssed me off. My dp is upset as he doesn't want his son to miss out on a holiday as his mum Doesn't take him anywhere. I don't want him to feel left out and I want our family all together on this holiday.
What do we do? Do we not go so the 6yo doesn't feel left out? Or do we go anyway?
I don't want mine, or more importantly my baby's life to be dictated by this woman. I don't want my child missing out on experiences cos she says no.

Has anyone been in this situation and can offer advice?

@PurplePinecone

Maybe she's not ready to let her son go away on holiday out of the country without her? Maybe in a few years she will reconsider once he's older. I think if you put yourself in her shoes you may also feel unsure about letting your child go abroad without you at 6.

But it is not about her.

If she’s ‘not ready for it’ she needs to seek therapy to overcome her problem, not prevent it.

This is what happens when you split up with your children’s father. They live a life with their father that is separate from you. You don’t get to set the terms or exercise a veto.

@SoggyPaper

They often do ramp up the pain in the arse behaviour if you have a baby. I suspect it’s to do with feeling threatened because they’re no longer the only mother involved (so they’re less important to their ex) and their child is not the only child (so they might have to share and compromise and everything might not always be entirely about them).

Plus, you do become more sensitive to her influence and interference because it is affecting your child and can negatively affect your choices about parenting your own child.

I do think she feels threatened. I just don't want my son to be effected in anyway because of her. I feel like a doormat already with the amount of sh*t she's got away with all because she is DSS mum. I'm not standing for it for a second longer.

@PurplePinecone

Maybe she's not ready to let her son go away on holiday out of the country without her? Maybe in a few years she will reconsider once he's older. I think if you put yourself in her shoes you may also feel unsure about letting your child go abroad without you at 6.

He has been abroad with us once before though, he came to Cyprus with us before covid hit. He's also been on many weekends away with us in the UK. She's playing the card of DSS is being pushed out because of the new baby and she doesn't want DSS on a family holiday with us because he will be pushed out. I think deep down she knows he's not pushed out, she's just being awkward. I think she was under the impression we wouldn't go without him so she could spoil it for us, but we are actually going so she isn't going to win this one.

Loads of people who comment on stepparenting threads are both stepmothers and resident parents whose children have lives with their fathers (and often stepmothers).

We have had to get over the fact that we don’t live 100% of the time with our children. That our children go on holiday with their dad. That things are different for them when they’re with their dad. That we are not in control of any of that.

What amazes me on this board is quite how often people interpret ‘child centred’ to mean ‘what their mother wants centred’. The needs of the child are so often reframed versions of the wants of their mother.

It just does not matter if I feel sad that I won’t see my son for two weeks straight during the summer holidays. That’s his time where he spends an extended period with his father. He goes to visit his paternal family. It’s important for him. And the importance of that outweighs the fact he don’t see me for 2 weeks.

I’m not the only person that matters in his world. Or the most important!

Any parent who is no longer with their child’s other parent just has to deal with the implications of that. Projecting your own feelings into your child and then pretending (to yourself as much as anything else) that you are acting in their interests is not a healthy response. It’s extremely bad for the child.

Originally she said DSS could on holiday but only with his dad so he doesn't feel pushed out.. sorry but no, we're a family and he is never pushed out anyway.
Step parents seems to get an awful lot of bashing on here..

It's control. It's always about control. As a separated family you have to accept that your ex will have control what goes down in his house (something that people struggle with). I say this as a ex wife and regarding what ex does on his time is none of my business as long as he thinks about DD.

Never as a mum would I put my feelings above DD having a good time or think I have right to control what goes down in his house. But I don't have any extreme feelings good or bad towards him so it helps.

It would seem however that a lot of people on this board use their children as proxies for their emotional baggage and think they can dictate what goes down in their ex's house through the "children". However you see via the comments people are happy to point out that it isn't about what's best for the DSC but we must also factor in how mums feelings regardless of what's best for the child. Yet often hear the battle cry of won't anyone think of the children.

A far amount of SM bashing happens because people feel out of control in their own lives so come on here and take it out on anyone that posts.

It's sad as well as frustrating. New babies challenge the status quo, you can't say oh won't you think of the children, and children must be treated equally and then say oh wait only this child. The new child changes the power/control elements and people trying to control other houses will feel unnerved by the change.

Also before anyone gets on my case, my DD has a SM, she was the OW, I like her, me and my ex DH broke up because he cheated after the loss of our child with my DD SM.

So technically I have more than enough "justification" by MN standards if I want to behave badly but I don't because my DD comes before all of that background noise.
My trauma and issues with my ex, are not my DD concern, neither will I let it be.

She's playing the card of DSS is being pushed out because of the new baby and she doesn't want DSS on a family holiday with us because he will be pushed out.

What backwards logic. People often state on here as though it's fact "oh SC are always pushed out when a new baby is born", yet here we have a mum actively trying to make that happen. He's going to feel far more pushed out if he isn't allowed to go, isn't he. Becoming awkward because your ex has a new baby is just creating a situation where the child could feel pushed out, people like her are doing it themselves, and their child.

It’s more than backwards logic.

She’s actually ensuring that he must be left out by refusing to allow him to be involved.

I guess she thinks that her ex should just never leave the country because her child cannot be left out though. Hence ‘enjoy Blackpool’.

The level of nasty, controlling behaviour dressed up as concern for her child is truly hideous.

And yet, still people will post about the need to be kind and empathetic to a woman like that.

‘You knew what you were getting in to’ only applies to stepmothers apparently. It doesn’t apply to people who definitely knew they were separating from their co-parent. Even though (unlike most of the situations stepmothers were supposed to be able to foresee), the fact that you will no longer live with your children all the time and you won’t be in charge of what happens in their other household is absolutely obviously a consequence of separation. That’s true whether you wanted a separation or not.

It is never a surprise that your child will be spending time away from you after separation. If people cannot understand or come to terms with that, they need to seek help for themselves.

But it appears that all too often what happens is they project it all onto their child(ren). They mistake their own feelings for their children’s. They insist that what’s easiest/least challenging/most convenient for them is what they children need.

Thing is, they just stop themselves moving on by doing it.

Tbh, the empathetic response to this is not saying ‘oh poor ex’ and tiptoeing around that. It’s recognising that she needs to move on and the best way to help her to do that is by not pandering to it. Pandering to it just prolongs it all because she isn’t being forced to recognise that she needs to sort herself out. Letting her control your life is not helpful to anyone.

@aSofaNearYou

She's playing the card of DSS is being pushed out because of the new baby and she doesn't want DSS on a family holiday with us because he will be pushed out.

What backwards logic. People often state on here as though it's fact "oh SC are always pushed out when a new baby is born", yet here we have a mum actively trying to make that happen. He's going to feel far more pushed out if he isn't allowed to go, isn't he. Becoming awkward because your ex has a new baby is just creating a situation where the child could feel pushed out, people like her are doing it themselves, and their child.

Exactly! I think her goal was to stop us going...she assumed we wouldn't go without him and she could sit there laughing at us. She's horrible.

A list of things she's done since I announced my pregnancy...insisted my dp move in with his parents on the weekend when he has DSS because she doesn't 'know me' (didn't happen' decide that her and my dp need to take DSS out on days out just the three of them (this has never happened before and won't be happening), from now on if dp wants to see DSS on Xmas day he has to go round to her house on Xmas morning to watch him open his presents - wtf! What about my son??? Does she not think he might want his dad to open presents with him? We used to alternate Xmas but this Xmas just gone she started the awkwardness and it actually ruined our Xmas. Since my son has been born she has made comments about his appearance to dp and DSS 'he's got a big head hasn't he' 'he looks nothing like you are you sure he's yours? (To dp) and asking are we over feeding him cos he is huge? And throughout all this I have said nothing but cried privately. And after this holiday bullsh*t im not keeping my mouth shut anymore.

I actually think your husband needs to shelter you from this crap. Genuinely, he needs to recognise that his problematic ex is his problem and stop allowing her to have such an impact on your lives.

If my ex were making negative comments about my baby, I’d address that with him. I would not involve my husband or tell him about it because doing so will actually give my ex the power to cause problems in our lives. Same if he was trying to prevent holidays or anything else.

It’s tempting to think you should be sharing this because you’re in a relationship. But actually, he does need to consider how this toxic baggage affects you and your family.

He needs to go to mediation with her and deal with this crap. You can agree a strategy with him (and limits for any negotiations) but he actually needs to take responsibility for sorting it and removing her ability to control your life.

What a shame for you and DSS. Her argument isn't logical if she doesn't want him to be left out, why would she exclude him? Can DH not have a word with her and make her see reason?

You have to go anyway because if you don't she will do this again. I suggest making a fuss of DSS when you are back. It sounds like he already knows how important he is to all of you

@berries0q

I know this. But easier said than done..you don't know the amount of sh*t I've put up with off this woman. She's made comments about my baby on his appearance etc. and saying he shouldn't exist. And I've never ever retaliated but I've just about had enough of her.

Shes nasty do not engage

Just read your latest post sorry OP. Can you avoid being near her? Ask DP to stop passing on these comments. She sounds absolutely vile and none of this can be good for you to hear. I had similar but nowhere near as bad comments re my little one which she had told the DSC and they were repeating. I completely understand why you felt the need to retaliate with the text now but still, it's important for your own sanity as much as anything to try and not. To see her as a distance from yourself and your child. Your life should be as free from her influence as it can be and your partner needs to be that buffer.

@ifyouturnonthelight.

You right and I did regret it
Like I said I did get help for my anxiety and she went on other holidays.
They wanted ti take her to Spain for the week
She was only 2.
I was worried about sunburn and foreign hospital
Looking back I know she’d have perfectly fine
It was the one time I should have said yes
And didn’t.
Just trying to see the other side of this situation

@Robin233 we have all made mistakes, clearly you have learned from it 💐

SM or Mums the fear something bad will happen to our kids can sometimes takes over, it's something I think we all have in common. I think I'm OPs case though it's not fear sadly, fear can be understood.

[quote Robin233]@ifyouturnonthelight.

You right and I did regret it
Like I said I did get help for my anxiety and she went on other holidays.
They wanted ti take her to Spain for the week
She was only 2.
I was worried about sunburn and foreign hospital
Looking back I know she’d have perfectly fine
It was the one time I should have said yes
And didn’t.
Just trying to see the other side of this situation[/quote]
I’m glad you got help for your anxiety.

There is also a difference between a 2 year old spending a week away from their main carer. And a 6 year old. A big one.

It definitely sounds like court will be required to me. Obviously will need mediation first, would be good if things can be resolved at that stage- but it sounds like she will continue to be unreliable unless you have an agreement.

Hi everyone

We're due to travel with our (will be) 6 month old in September.

Has anyone has any experience with travelling with an infant who has dietary needs? Our son is on Aptamil Pepti formula because of his cows milk allergy. We are going abroad for 2 weeks so I will need to take quite a lot of his formula. The dietician told me some airlines offer free suitcase allowance if a baby has special feeding needs in order to carry the formula, does anyone know this to be true?
...if he were on a normal formula I would just order it to pick up at boots at the airport but unfortunately I can't do this 😩
I have tried calling jet2 twice now and been on hold for a life time.

If it comes to it I will just pay to add an extra suitcase to our booking. He doesn't get a suitcase as he's under 2 so will be sat on my lap on the plane.

Also, what do I do about actually taking the formula he will need for the journey through security at the airport? And sterilised water?

Go anyway.

You asked, she said no.

No guilt needed

Bubble I recommend that you start your own thread on this rather than resurrect a zombie one from April. You'll get a lot more useful replies

Your reply about Tenerife was pathetic and uncalled for. It’s hardly a brag and you’re doing nothing to make the situation more amicable.

as for just taking him anyway; is his passport with you? That would be a one way ticket to irreparably damaging the relationship between the parents and an incredibly stupid move.

I hope the co-parenting relationship between your partner and his ex improves for the little boys sake.

Get a court order to take the child out of the country. It's very simple, several of my friends have had to do it over the years.

Honestly, your partner needs to man up and get a court order outlining access and includes school holidays abroad.

I know she's being a pain in the arse but DSS shouldnt be missing out because of point scoring on her part.

Urg zombie... Apologies... Wonder if DSS got to go after all?

Could this post be pinned to the top of the SP board.

Excellent post Candles!!