Page 3 | Holiday with SC - please offer advise :(

berries0q · 2022-04-06T15:19:33+00:00

Hi everyone Me & my partner have a baby together, my partner has a 6yo boy from previous relationship. So We are planning an abroad family holiday, however partners ex isn't allowing the 6yo to come with us. She is being awkward, said she will consider it, 2 weeks later bounces back with 'it's a no from me'. This isn't the first time she has been awkward, however I have been able to ignore her until now, this has really p*ssed me off. My dp is upset as he doesn't want his son to miss out on a holiday as his mum Doesn't take him anywhere. I don't want him to feel left out and I want our family all together on this holiday. What do we do? Do we not go so the 6yo doesn't feel left out? Or do we go anyway? I don't want mine, or more importantly my baby's life to be dictated by this woman. I don't want my child missing out on experiences cos she says no. Has anyone been in this situation and can offer advice?

vivainsomnia · 07/04/2022 09:16

If she's agreed before, why is she not now? Is it to do with the dates, going during term time, going somewhere she deems not safe?

Vie8126 · 08/04/2022 06:49

I agree with other posters saying to get a formalised cao for contact however please note if mum still decides to not send dss or not allow him on holiday she can and then you have to apply for an enforcement and then she can still deny contact. A cao does not always solve these issues the way posters are making out!

IceVolcanoes · 08/04/2022 07:48

@Vie8126

I agree with other posters saying to get a formalised cao for contact however please note if mum still decides to not send dss or not allow him on holiday she can and then you have to apply for an enforcement and then she can still deny contact. A cao does not always solve these issues the way posters are making out!

It might not immediately solve anything but it is the only reasonable way to start removing the power to withhold contact/veto holidays from a resident parent. She might well still be a pain and he’ll need to seek enforcement but a pattern of that is the sort of thing that courts will not look positively on. She would very clearly not be acting in the best interests of the child.

Vie8126 · 08/04/2022 08:26

@IceVolcanoes I agree they should get a cao it might help focus mums mind in this case however I am yet to see a parent punished for not sticking to a cao despite enforcements particularly if that parent is the main care giver. They do not magically make difficult parents less difficult and people should be aware of that rather than think it will solve all - it's a long drawn out process with little to no repercussions for a parent intent on not sticking to it. So in this case the mother could still refuse to send the child on the holiday until a dj orders her to hand over the passport with current court situation with knock on covid delays a first court hearing for a cao could take 6 months at least that's all.

BungleandGeorge · 08/04/2022 14:23

Do you have an agreement for school holidays? If you’re having him all weekend every weekend he’s spending a substantial amount of his time with you as he’ll be at school on the weekdays.
I don’t know what a court order can dictate- whether you could take the child out of the country without mother’s permission or take him for a week so she misses her contact time. Mediation sounds a good idea as a first step

Original poster

berries0q · 12/04/2022 20:49

Thanks everyone for your advice. Im so grateful for all your supportive comments!
We have nothing formal in place such as a court order etc, we have realised now that this is our next step so we can prevent these situations in the future.

So the outcome... we are going on the holiday. The dreaded ex sent me over the edge...she text my partner saying 'he's not coming abroad with you..enjoy Blackpool ☺️'
I saw red, snatched dp's phone and replied 'we're going to Tenerife, I'll have a cocktail for you 😃🖕🏼'

My immaturity got the better of me 🙈

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Totheweekend · 13/04/2022 08:24

If you are going to court you need to rein in that immaturity. All communication needs to be written with the expectation that the court will read it.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 08:47

@berries0q

Thanks everyone for your advice. Im so grateful for all your supportive comments! We have nothing formal in place such as a court order etc, we have realised now that this is our next step so we can prevent these situations in the future.

So the outcome... we are going on the holiday. The dreaded ex sent me over the edge...she text my partner saying 'he's not coming abroad with you..enjoy Blackpool ☺️'
I saw red, snatched dp's phone and replied 'we're going to Tenerife, I'll have a cocktail for you 😃🖕🏼'

My immaturity got the better of me 🙈

Right.. you need to sort that out tbh. Court won't like that one bit. You two need to be the bigger person and rise above any petty snipey comments.

Original poster

berries0q · 13/04/2022 09:35

I know this. But easier said than done..you don't know the amount of sh*t I've put up with off this woman. She's made comments about my baby on his appearance etc. and saying he shouldn't exist. And I've never ever retaliated but I've just about had enough of her.

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howtomoveforwards · 13/04/2022 11:05

Don't become part of the problem, OP.

Onlyrainbows · 13/04/2022 11:19

We've had this battle for quite some time... So we're going on our holiday and the SC aren't. They fully understand though.

ifyouturnonthelight · 13/04/2022 11:26

@Robin233 that's really sad you deprived your child of a holiday with her other parent because of your own anxiety, hope you got help for it

FairyCakeWings · 13/04/2022 11:28

You sound quite horrible to have no understanding of what it might feel like to have your ex take your six year old child out of the country for two whole weeks. It’s more than immaturity on your part, it’s plain selfishness.

I agree your SS should be able to go on holiday with his father, but if his father was ready thinking about what was best for him, he would have made the holiday only one week not two, to make it more comfortable for his son. The child would still get all the benefits of experiencing a holiday with his father and step family without having to be separated from his mother for such a long time.

NorthSouthcatlady · 13/04/2022 11:30

Glad you’re going away, why should you or your child miss out. It would be a big mistake to let her start controlling things. It’s a shame your DSS had to miss out but that’s his mums fault

ifyouturnonthelight · 13/04/2022 11:37

@FairyCakeWings but the child is going with their other parent their dad.. not some randomer from Asda..

SoggyPaper · 13/04/2022 11:39

@FairyCakeWings

You sound quite horrible to have no understanding of what it might feel like to have your ex take your six year old child out of the country for two whole weeks. It’s more than immaturity on your part, it’s plain selfishness.

I agree your SS should be able to go on holiday with his father, but if his father was ready thinking about what was best for him, he would have made the holiday only one week not two, to make it more comfortable for his son. The child would still get all the benefits of experiencing a holiday with his father and step family without having to be separated from his mother for such a long time.

Of FFS…

Separated parents have to get over themselves in this regard. If they are struggling with the fact that the other parent will take the child for periods of 2 weeks, they need to get some therapy to adjust to their new life.

It is not ok to be obstructive to the other parent. Nor to make your feelings their problem (and certainly not any new partner’s).

SoggyPaper · 13/04/2022 11:40

Because that point is NOT about what is best for the child. What’s best for the mother is not necessarily best for the child.

Too many parents seem to misunderstand this.

AskingforaBaskin · 13/04/2022 11:49

I would absolutely see a solicitor now as you may be able to get an urgent hearing. But start the ball rolling on a CAO and go for 50/50 when you complete the paperwork.

She needs control stripped away and to be put in her place to protect your SS

Totheweekend · 13/04/2022 12:06

@berries0q

I know this. But easier said than done..you don't know the amount of sh*t I've put up with off this woman. She's made comments about my baby on his appearance etc. and saying he shouldn't exist. And I've never ever retaliated but I've just about had enough of her.

I hear you OP. I’ve been there - my DSD’s ex is very high conflict. I supported my partner for years to write every communication with utmost care and it paid off. Draft all the shitty comms you like - but from here, never hit send!!

Totheweekend · 13/04/2022 12:07

Ugh. Obviously I meant DSD’s mum!!!

Original poster

berries0q · 13/04/2022 12:09

Can I make it clear we're going to Tenerife for one week, not two. I wouldn't expect her to not see her son for 2 weeks! I couldn't do that either.
My DSS knows about the holiday and wants to come. He has been away with us in the past, for a couple of weekends away and for a week holiday also. The Ex has never had a problem till now. Infact she snatches our hand off at any opportunity to get rid of him for longer. This all started around the time I announced my pregnancy - and can I add our contact arrangements never changed throughout my whole pregnancy or a difficult birth and a stay in hospital.
How can I ignore her any longer.. how can she get away with trying to be so controlling, making derogatory comments about me, my 4 month old son, etc. throughout it all I've stayed silent for the sake of DSS but I can't anymore.
Originally she said DSS could on holiday but only with his dad so he doesn't feel pushed out.. sorry but no, we're a family and he is never pushed out anyway.
Step parents seems to get an awful lot of bashing on here..

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Original poster

berries0q · 13/04/2022 12:12

@Onlyrainbows

We've had this battle for quite some time... So we're going on our holiday and the SC aren't. They fully understand though.

Good for you! We're taking this stance also now. I don't want my son and any other children I have missing out because the ex says no.

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Original poster

berries0q · 13/04/2022 12:14

@FairyCakeWings

You sound quite horrible to have no understanding of what it might feel like to have your ex take your six year old child out of the country for two whole weeks. It’s more than immaturity on your part, it’s plain selfishness.

I agree your SS should be able to go on holiday with his father, but if his father was ready thinking about what was best for him, he would have made the holiday only one week not two, to make it more comfortable for his son. The child would still get all the benefits of experiencing a holiday with his father and step family without having to be separated from his mother for such a long time.

The holiday is one week. DSS absolutely idolises his dad. He would be fine with being away from his mum for a week and he has been in the past too

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SoggyPaper · 13/04/2022 13:21

They often do ramp up the pain in the arse behaviour if you have a baby. I suspect it’s to do with feeling threatened because they’re no longer the only mother involved (so they’re less important to their ex) and their child is not the only child (so they might have to share and compromise and everything might not always be entirely about them).

Plus, you do become more sensitive to her influence and interference because it is affecting your child and can negatively affect your choices about parenting your own child.

PurplePinecone · 13/04/2022 13:35

Maybe she's not ready to let her son go away on holiday out of the country without her? Maybe in a few years she will reconsider once he's older. I think if you put yourself in her shoes you may also feel unsure about letting your child go abroad without you at 6.