Page 2 | Holiday with SC - please offer advise :(

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/04/2022 18:17

@howtomoveforwards

My dp is upset as he doesn't want his son to miss out on a holiday as his mum Doesn't take him anywhere

Forgot to say, this really doesn’t help. Plenty of people are struggling to be able to do anything other than free stuff with their children in the current climate. It really helps not to judge. We’re all doing our best with a difficult situation.

She's not going her best by him though is she? Her best should be letting him go. She's denying him.

Greensleeves · 06/04/2022 18:19

If she has primary residency and can legally prevent him from going, then I don't think there's much you can do about it. It's shit, and selfish of her (unless she has genuine welfare concerns - I don't know you, so couldn't say) but it is what it is.

You should definitely go on the holiday without him, if there isn't any way he can join you. It's understandable that your DP is upset about it, but that shouldn't translate into denying the rest of the family, and your child, a holiday.

Bonheurdupasse · 06/04/2022 18:27

Go on the holiday anyway.

BungleandGeorge · 06/04/2022 18:27

I don’t think you’re allowed to take a child out of the country without permission from both parents of they have parental responsibility.
How often do you see the boy? How long are you going for? If you have him every other weekend and want to take him abroad for 2 weeks a 6 year old may well not cope very well being away from their primary parent for that long. Have you ever taken him away anywhere before? It’s being presumed that the boy would love it but that’s not necessarily the case depending on the circumstances

secretsqizzle · 06/04/2022 18:31

@Greensleeves

If she has primary residency and can legally prevent him from going, then I don't think there's much you can do about it. It's shit, and selfish of her (unless she has genuine welfare concerns - I don't know you, so couldn't say) but it is what it is.

You should definitely go on the holiday without him, if there isn't any way he can join you. It's understandable that your DP is upset about it, but that shouldn't translate into denying the rest of the family, and your child, a holiday.

Actually there is a lot you can do. You go to the HMCTS website and download the form for a specific steps order. Cost about £212. You asked the court to agree that your partner can take his child abroad on reasonable holidays . The courts may be a bit backed up at the moment, so you may need to go on your own with partner and baby this time. But this will deal with future nonsense from the ex. This is of course dependent upon their being no welfare concerns between father and the child, which I assume do not exist as it seems he has regular contact. The court is interested solely in the best interest of the children, not the parent Wishes to thwart the other parent

Poppies26 · 06/04/2022 18:35

@Greensleeves

If she has primary residency and can legally prevent him from going, then I don't think there's much you can do about it. It's shit, and selfish of her (unless she has genuine welfare concerns - I don't know you, so couldn't say) but it is what it is.

You should definitely go on the holiday without him, if there isn't any way he can join you. It's understandable that your DP is upset about it, but that shouldn't translate into denying the rest of the family, and your child, a holiday.

Completely wrong. U have every right to enjoy all aspects of family life with your step son as he has that same right with his mum. Go to court get a specific order so you can go on holiday every year. If this step makes mum change her mind you need to get in writing permission to take the child on holiday each year, then you need a specific permission with the dates place. She will also require this from your husband if she takes her son abroad.

My ex wouldn't let my children go on holiday with me. I was prepared to go to court and he did back down he would not have been successful. A return ticket means you intend to return. Each year I obtained a permission letter from him. He did try and rescind this half way through the holiday, threatened to have the police meet me at the airport. As he didn't know the airport we were returning from it was a hollow threat!

secretsqizzle · 06/04/2022 18:36

Sorry forgot to say before you submit the application you have to consider mediation. If she refuses then the mediation people can sign it off and you can crack on with the application

www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/

harryclr · 06/04/2022 18:48

Go of course!

I'd love to go away my partner and our little ones!

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2022 18:59

Get an official contact agreement which includes holidays. They can do this through mediation.

Is it leaving the country that’s bugging her? You should do what you’d like to but would she be more relaxed if you did something in the same country?

But in the mean time I’d go. You need to start as you plan to go on, if he lets her curtail things in your lives which affect you and your child it sets a bad precedent.

Original poster

berries0q · 06/04/2022 19:09

Wow thanks for all your supportive replies!

We have him every single weekend and he loves coming to us - paternal grandparents have said they will cover our contact for that weekend if we decide to still go. He has been away with us in the past so I know he will be ok without his mum for a week.
There is no back story really - she is bitter that my dp has moved on and she is alone (not surprised because she's vile) she has tried to control things in the past like she doesn't want the little boy staying at our house because of me and she wants my dp to move into his parents every weekend or else the kid can't come to us LOL. Obviously that never happened.
There is no formal contact order but I think we need one. The arrangement is every weekend and my partner pays maintenance. We have never swayed from the arrangement at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

berries0q · 06/04/2022 19:22

Also I just want to add we don't want a nasty fall out with her. She's his main carer and if she says no there's not much we can do. But I don't want to go and her fill his head with loads of sh*t saying we've left him out. Also I don't want to start bad mouthing his mum to him saying she's making him miss out etc because that's toxic.
It's funny my partner suggested (as a joke) we just take him when we have him at the weekend haha! Unfortunately that would cause more trouble than it's worth

OP posts:

cherryonthecakes · 06/04/2022 19:48

It's too late to do it this time but I would tell your h to get a Child Arrangement Order and have school holiday trips written into it.

courgettigreensadwater · 06/04/2022 19:48

Definitely just go anyway. We had similar when my DH wasn't allowed to see DSS at Christmas. We didn't rise to it and never did to any of the other horrid-ness and it all faded away as it would with a bully who gets no reaction. Obviously it's not always that easy but I would stick to your plans.

Suretobe · 06/04/2022 21:01

What’s the rhythm in school holidays?

cuppaandabiscuit · 06/04/2022 21:34

Do not them them abroad without mums permission, a court / child arrangements order. I took my kids abroad and we got stopped and I was asked for proof of permission to take them out the country. Luckily I had it.
Best option is to suggest mediation then if no resolution apply for child arrangements order. It may mean missing out this year though as I'm not sure of timescales.

Also, given that you suggest she's got an axe to grind, I wouldn't suggest going away without him - she could use this against DP if she so wished.

I think, for now until mediation or child arrangements order in place, shelve going abroad and take him away in UK during your contact time. She cannot stop that and your DP does not need permission.

cuppaandabiscuit · 06/04/2022 21:35

Sorry I meant do not go away without him during his contact time. - do what you like outside that.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/04/2022 21:52

@cuppaandabiscuit

Sorry I meant do not go away without him during his contact time. - do what you like outside that.

They have him every weekend, and have arranged alternative care for when they aren't there. I'd say that's good enough.

cuppaandabiscuit · 06/04/2022 22:57

If mum was reasonable I'd agree but she apparently isn't so she could potentially use this against them in a 'he's got a new family doesn't care anymore' type way.

FrMaguire · 06/04/2022 23:00

@cuppaandabiscuit

If mum was reasonable I'd agree but she apparently isn't so she could potentially use this against them in a 'he's got a new family doesn't care anymore' type way.

I know what you mean, but op can't let the whims of this mum rule her life. It's one weekend with grandma and grandpa instead of with his dad. That is pretty difficult to paint in a bad light.. unless she's a very vindictive person. In which case, you really can't win no matter what you do, so may as well do what makes you happy.

IceVolcanoes · 06/04/2022 23:03

This is clearly a situation where he needs to go to mediation and get her to stop being a dick. Or take it to court and get a CAO that specifies he’s allowed to take him on holidays abroad.

If he won’t do that, then you’ve got a partner problem.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/04/2022 23:12

@cuppaandabiscuit

If mum was reasonable I'd agree but she apparently isn't so she could potentially use this against them in a 'he's got a new family doesn't care anymore' type way.

Well she could but presumably she'd get taken to court and rightly so.

cuppaandabiscuit · 07/04/2022 06:22

Which was my original suggestion- mediation and if that fails go to court for a child arrangements order.

MeridianB · 07/04/2022 07:40

@Fireflygal

What is current contact arrangements?

A parent cannot stop access to holidays unless it's occurring during school time. When is the holiday?

If he usually has regular contact with his son but there is no formal contact order he needs to apply to court to get one or if you have time now ask her to go to mediation to resolve the issue.

You don't need a solicitor - your dp can start the process by notifing his ex that due to her unwillingness to allow the holiday he will start the process for a court order contact schedule to include holidays. This should be by email.

Next step is to speak to a family mediator to arrange mediation. If ex refuses to attend then you can get mediation signed off and apply for a court order. It's on the local court website and can be downloaded and submitted with the fee.

They really is no other alternative. You have at least 10 years of this so getting a formal agreement is key.

Agree with this.

I can imagine how hard it must be to be away from your 6yo child but it sounds like she has serious control and jealousy issues and she’s putting her feelings above her own son’s. This is really sad and unlikely to be resolved quickly. So court is the best option.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/04/2022 07:48

@cuppaandabiscuit

Which was my original suggestion- mediation and if that fails go to court for a child arrangements order.

Oh I agree but just that I would go on the holiday this year. Start as you mean to go on.

Robin233 · 07/04/2022 07:58

I was the mum once in this situation
Ex wanted ti take dd aged 2.5 abroad for the week.
I was happy for her to go anywhere in the uk but very anxious about her going abroad (what if it was too hot and she got sun burnt etc)
I was very accommodating other wise.
I wish now I'd let her go (it is over 20 years ago)
My own anxiety took over
She did have holidays abroad with them later so I got over my fear
So maybe you could see if a similar thing is going off with the mum?