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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The ex isn't talking to me now!

86 replies

malificent7 · 31/03/2022 19:44

So dp decided to tell his ex that she wasn't invited to our wedding and now she is being very off. I saw her a month ago...went to the same event as her for step dd and she ignored me. We previously got on but i just wanted firmer boundaries...why is she ignoring me?

OP posts:
ntsure · 31/03/2022 19:57

You can’t dictate what she does. You wanted former boundaries and you have them so what’s the issue?
Maybe she thought you got on and not being invited to the wedding made her realise you didn’t

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 19:59

She wanted to come to your wedding? Confused

Be glad you're rid of her. Your partner should be the one dealing with her anyway.

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/03/2022 20:21

We do get on...but i still didnt want her there due to blurred boundaries in the past. I do like her...as you can tell i'm confused emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 31/03/2022 20:29

I just feel better if things are compartmentalised.

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 20:59

Whether you get along or not, you not wanting your fiance's ex-wife at your wedding is entirely reasonable. I certainly hope you're not apologising for feeling this way.

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/03/2022 21:05

I think I AM apologising. I just think her reaction probably is a clue why. If she is ignoring me because of this then SHE has the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 31/03/2022 21:06

A clue why i am not inviting her i meant.

OP posts:
FloralsForSpring · 01/04/2022 06:18

It's really odd that he even had to tell her! The default is for her to assume she's not invite surely.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 06:40

I didn't want him to tell her but she announced her engagement and they were talking about their various plans. His real reason is that he claims she would assume she had an invite. My suspicion is that he was worrying about offending her. Well he has now anyway.
My plan was simply not to send an invite. Job done.

OP posts:
QuirkyTurtle · 01/04/2022 08:39

I get on VERY well with my son's stepson. I'm getting married next year and I don't think it has even crossed her mind that she'd be invited to the wedding, and she was never even in a relationship with my SO.

Why on earth would she think she'd be invited? Exes are generally the number one excluded category. I hope she comes around OP, maybe she needs some time to work through her feelings.

QuirkyTurtle · 01/04/2022 08:40

I meant stepson's mum of course, don't know where 'son's stepson' came from hahaha.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 11:07

I think she expects to be invited as we do get on so well but in my ohs words he thinks " she thought we were part of one big happy family." Its a bit like enmeshment . Well yes we get on and occasionally hang out on birthdays etc . I am confused myself as to why i didn't want her there. I have been on a few camping weekends away with the ex and i sometimes find it a bit much so i guess i wanted to have our special day without ex baggage.
I think she sees it as a major snub.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 11:09

Maybe she feels loss of control and status as the no 1 woman...who knows?

I just think that blatantly ignoring me is a bit strange though.

OP posts:
ExplodingElephants · 01/04/2022 18:48

No way would we have invited either of our exes to our wedding. DH’s ex tried to invite herself along on holiday once though, offered to act as ‘the nanny’. Of course we had to pay for her flights, accommodation, food and park entry tickets. We declined her offer 😆 She would have just been a nightmare and would have tried to put herself in the wife role whilst trying to push me out. I don’t think so love.

Nelliephant1 · 01/04/2022 18:56

Obviously she thought you got along and you were all part of a larger family for the good of your step child/children which I'm sure she, her ex and any children would be happy about as it makes everything easier for everyone especially the child/ren.

I don't suppose you know how many compromises, swallowed feelings she's had over the situation but she's got on with it and you all seemed to have made a go of it until now.

I really don't see what harm it could have done to invite her, for the sake of the child/ren if nothing else. I'm sure they would be much happier and at ease on the day of they saw they're mother there being accepting of the situation. This way the rift is going to be more than obvious and people will know that it's most likely been your doing.

I don't blame her for being unhappy.

QuirkyTurtle · 01/04/2022 19:21

@Nelliephant1

Obviously she thought you got along and you were all part of a larger family for the good of your step child/children which I'm sure she, her ex and any children would be happy about as it makes everything easier for everyone especially the child/ren.

I don't suppose you know how many compromises, swallowed feelings she's had over the situation but she's got on with it and you all seemed to have made a go of it until now.

I really don't see what harm it could have done to invite her, for the sake of the child/ren if nothing else. I'm sure they would be much happier and at ease on the day of they saw they're mother there being accepting of the situation. This way the rift is going to be more than obvious and people will know that it's most likely been your doing.

I don't blame her for being unhappy.

Women don't generally need to put up with their husband's exes at their own wedding, and that shouldn't change because the bride happens to be a stepmother.

I don't suppose you know how many compromises, swallowed feelings OP has had over being a stepmother and she's made it work pretty well apparently.

It's literally one day, ONE DAY, where it's all about the bride and groom and nothing to do with the stepchildren's mother. As an adult, she can accept that.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 19:31

Yes...i'm not inviting anyone I don't have to....I have no idea why she is just blanking me. If SHE wanted what is best for dsdd she would be a adult and talk to me about it. But apparently it's better just to blank me.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 01/04/2022 19:33

She thought you were friends in your own right rather than just connected through her son, what with the trips away together, and this has made it clear that you don't see her as she saw you!
This is your own fault for socialising with her - you've given mixed signals. You've hurt her feelings and that's why she isn't carrying on as normal.
I don't think the problem is with her tbh.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 19:33

If's it's any consolation I've gone on many a gathering and camping weekend with her and her dp and we get on fine but I've had to put up with various comments from their mutual friends etc.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 19:34

She is not a close friend.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2022 19:34

@Nelliephant1

Obviously she thought you got along and you were all part of a larger family for the good of your step child/children which I'm sure she, her ex and any children would be happy about as it makes everything easier for everyone especially the child/ren.

I don't suppose you know how many compromises, swallowed feelings she's had over the situation but she's got on with it and you all seemed to have made a go of it until now.

I really don't see what harm it could have done to invite her, for the sake of the child/ren if nothing else. I'm sure they would be much happier and at ease on the day of they saw they're mother there being accepting of the situation. This way the rift is going to be more than obvious and people will know that it's most likely been your doing.

I don't blame her for being unhappy.

Ridiculous on so many levels.
Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 19:36

It's not a rift though really is it...if it is i'm not causing it by not inviting her.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 01/04/2022 19:43

Well, you have just sent her a very clear message that you don't like her enough to invite her to your wedding. Ordinarily that's not an issue with an ex wife because she wouldn't be expecting you to like her. But you've muddied the waters by socialising and so she thought you were friends and you thought you were just friendly. So she's a bit hurt.

ImAvingOops · 01/04/2022 19:44

In time she'll be polite but more distant. Which is what you wanted.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 19:54

I think me not wanting to invite her stems from the fact that wen I first got with dp she got jealous( despite her being with another man) and tried to lure him back. ( despite having moved in with said man). At first they seemed quite enmeshed ( dp used to work at the house so he could look after his dd). I felt there wasn't enough space between them and he wasn't quite over the marriage. I nearly left but i grew to like his ex. However, on this occasion I just want an event that leaves the enmeshment behind. Yes i like her...could i 100% trust her? No.

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