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Original poster

The ex isn't talking to me now!

86 replies

malificent7 · 31/03/2022 19:44

So dp decided to tell his ex that she wasn't invited to our wedding and now she is being very off. I saw her a month ago...went to the same event as her for step dd and she ignored me. We previously got on but i just wanted firmer boundaries...why is she ignoring me?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 01/04/2022 19:54

My ex mil was very upset not to invited to my wedding. She prefers my new DH to her son!

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 19:54

When*

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2022 19:56

If SHE was a good friend she would totally understand the many reasons this could be awkward for you.

It doesn't just fall on you to be considerate of her.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 20:05

Is she was a good friend she wouldn't blank me.

OP posts:
Euridicefortuna · 01/04/2022 20:08

She now understands that you don't see her as a friend and she is treating you accordingly.....problem solved.You have accomplished exactly what you wanted to.

DysmalRadius · 01/04/2022 20:26

This way the rift is going to be more than obvious and people will know that it's most likely been your doing.

If the divorce wasn't an obvious enough rift, then this was definitely a boundary that needed reinforcing.

And if anyone at the OP's wedding is judging her for not inviting her husband's ex wife then they probably shouldn't have accepted the invitation as they aren't really good friends. And so what if people know that the OP didn't want to invite the ex? I think most people would completely understand that!

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 20:29

No...there are many friends I am not inviting but i still wish to remain friends...partly because of money and numbers, but i still wish to remain friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 21:59

I am not expecting to be invited to her wedding but I wouldn't stop talking to her even if I did expect an invite.

OP posts:
hulahoopqueen · 01/04/2022 22:03

DH's ex was, despite three prior years of her threats, violence and verbal abuse to both DH and me, was utterly shocked not to have been invited to our wedding. Takes all sorts 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do understand what PP have said about her getting confused about you being friends from the trips etc, but then as you say, she should be able to just mention it to you, and for you to be able to explain you're not able to invite everyone in your lives, and on this occasion that doesn't include her. As an adult, she should have been able to be civil about it, blanking you is pretty childish really.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 22:24

We are friends but on this occassion it's for dp and I.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 22:29

I think her blanking me speaks volumes really...there is clearly some sort of unspoken hurt going on...on both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 01/04/2022 23:17

The trips often involvedlotsof mutual friends of the" late" coupleand as a rest were not always accepting of me.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 00:44

If your dp told her, then did he try to soften things by making clear it was a small wedding and lack of invitation was more a numbers and money thing, or was he a bit blunt and said it's an 'ex' issue? How people respond to these things is often set by the delivery.

ImAvingOops · 02/04/2022 00:48

I wouldn't be hurt/cross that she isn't approaching you to discuss it because that's quite a hard thing to do when a person feels snubbed/rejected.
How is any bad feeling going to play out socially with mutual friends? Are you looking to avoid socialising with her in future? If so, then you could just leave things because there's now a boundary in place. If you think it's problematic for the future then it's worth talking to her and explaining that there are many friends you haven't invited due to cost/numbers.

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/04/2022 00:53

To clarify she isn't invited to the wedding but i will happily socialise at less personal events.

OP posts:
cherryonthecakes · 02/04/2022 00:56

Yanbu to not invite her but it sounds like she had a very different view of her relationship with you and thought you were one big blended happy family.

Did your partner explain things gently or did he say the truth and use words like boundaries?

If he told her that she wasn't invited because she's an ex then I can see why her hurt feelings would mean she'd blank you. If she's just found out that you don't consider her a friend then I can see why blanking is better than kicking off at you.

If he explained that it's a money thing then that is kinder to her ego but I guess she could be humiliated that she'd read things wrong.

Yanbu to not invite her but trips away etc suggests a friendly relationship and I can see why she thought you were friends.

MeridianB · 02/04/2022 07:14

@malificent7

She is not a close friend.
You said it yourself. It sounds like you stand by your decision and it’s just her reaction that’s upsetting you.

Maybe meet her for coffee and a chat to clear the air. She (and her friends) sound pretty immature.

Justtobeclear · 02/04/2022 08:27

Could this be down to how your dp told her? Was it along the lines of we’re keeping it small, only close family/friends so unfortunately you won’t be coming. Or malificent said she doesn’t want you there so you aren’t invited. Which would maybe explain her reaction? I can see why she would think she’s invited given your history but it’s understandable you wouldn’t want to share that with her.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/04/2022 10:29

@malificent7

Yes...i'm not inviting anyone I don't have to....I have no idea why she is just blanking me. If SHE wanted what is best for dsdd she would be a adult and talk to me about it. But apparently it's better just to blank me.
Maybe she's hurt, maybe she's just immature, you said your not friends, so don't overthink it. You wanted firmer boundaries, you've drawn them, this will lead to that if you stay polite and firm.
LovelaceBiggWither · 02/04/2022 10:34

My husband's ex was invited to our wedding, I am still not quite sure why he wanted her there.

She stood up and made a speech welcoming me to her family. In retrospect it was hilarious as she did not and never has liked me. It felt like a real power play.

howtomoveforwards · 02/04/2022 11:10

She is not a close friend

But you’ve been away with her on camping tips? I don’t personally go away with anyone I don’t consider close. It’s quite an intimate thing to do, share precious free time with someone.

She’s now respecting the boundaries you say you want but that’s not good enough either. I can see why she might be confused, hurt or upset, best to keep you at arm’s length.

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/04/2022 12:46

They were with their old mutual friends. They were sometimes awkward trips. I went as it made dp happy to socialise with old friends.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 02/04/2022 14:03

The boundaries did not include blanking each other. That's a pretty extreme reaction..I will carry on being friendly.

Sounds like it's all or nothing with her and she cannot get her head round" normal" social conventions.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 02/04/2022 14:05

I feel sad as i wanted the boundaries so we weren't living in each other's pockets not so we were ignoring each other.

Agggrrr...weddings cause so much drama.

OP posts:
Frankola · 03/04/2022 16:20

Regardless of whether you get on she shouldn't be at your wedding.

She is very likely to know rhat herself. She's just pushing boundaries or being a CF.

Don't respond to her behaviour