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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The ex isn't talking to me now!

86 replies

malificent7 · 31/03/2022 19:44

So dp decided to tell his ex that she wasn't invited to our wedding and now she is being very off. I saw her a month ago...went to the same event as her for step dd and she ignored me. We previously got on but i just wanted firmer boundaries...why is she ignoring me?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 04/04/2022 12:19

Yes, she does tend to push boundaries somewhat.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 04/04/2022 12:21

My friend reckons she's jealous...i have no idea why..she is engaged to her man and has 3 beautiful children plus a great career and good looks.

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ImAvingOops · 04/04/2022 12:48

People often say that someone is jealous, if they've expressed displeasure or disapproval. There's nothing in what you've posted to suggest that she is.

Mumsnut · 04/04/2022 13:02

Are you relying on her at all to bring step-children to the wedding, collect them later, etc?

Original poster
malificent7 · 04/04/2022 13:33

No....step dd is going to be a teen and will come with us i expect.

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AubadeIsIt · 19/04/2022 17:24

Going on holidays with mutual friends and other types of enmeshment conveniently give the impression that nothing has changed, relieve any possible guilt over the split, and ensure status. This wedding marks the fact that no, the past is the past and (some) people have moved on. She's excluded from the event (as she should be) and can't take it. I wouldn't be surprised if her 'friendship' towards you was just a way to stay involved and in your partner's good books - as others have said, if she were a real friend, she'd understand and not ignore you. Don't let her win by letting it upset you. She shouldn't have anything to do with it and the children are old enough to understand. Congratulations !

Original poster
malificent7 · 24/04/2022 13:58

Thank you Aubadelsit....that is the wisest advice ive had on here.
I saw her at an event in the past yesterday...waved a cheery hello. Whilst in the past we would have stopped for a chat she walked past...said hello but kept ot very brief. Which makes me sad...i didn't want to fall out.

I am upset that I am bearing the brunt of her upset when dp told her the news. That's another issue though....i asked him not to say anything!

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HighlandCowbag · 24/04/2022 14:05

Just leave her to sulk. One of my friends got married recently. Second marriage for both, she wore a beautiful wedding dress in a jewel colour. Looked stunning and very curvaceous.

The ex wife (similar relationship to how yours sounds) was invited to the evening reception. Turned up in a tiny jump suit thing in the same colour with big, fuck off high heels. She looked stunning which is fine. But such bad taste I thought because of the colour and the relationship to the bride.

Don't be that bride and ex!

Moochio · 24/04/2022 14:18

It's probably for the best tbh she sounds overly involved.

Original poster
malificent7 · 24/04/2022 14:19

I still feel bad...why can't i be the " cool" bride who lets the ex come to the wedding but also why the fuck is she having such a strop about it?! 🤔

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SoggyPaper · 24/04/2022 20:43

malificent7 · 24/04/2022 14:19

I still feel bad...why can't i be the " cool" bride who lets the ex come to the wedding but also why the fuck is she having such a strop about it?! 🤔

Why do you need to be the ‘cool’ bride?

tbh, it sound like the whole ‘cool wife’ concept, where it’s actually about letting your boundaries and standards be walked all over.

That’s not what you want to be. You want to be the assertive bride who sets clear boundaries and maintains them. 😁

Moochio · 24/04/2022 21:02

malificent7 · 24/04/2022 14:19

I still feel bad...why can't i be the " cool" bride who lets the ex come to the wedding but also why the fuck is she having such a strop about it?! 🤔

What? No the Cool bride is the one who knows her own mind and what she wants and isn't afraid to put her boundaries in place.

No idea why she's having a strop. That's all a bit weird.

Original poster
malificent7 · 24/04/2022 23:28

I will let her strop away i guess. Obviously I have hit a raw nerve and she isn't happy about bot being centre stage for once.

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TryingToBeLogical · 26/04/2022 21:31

If she acknowledged your hello and responded in kind, then went on her way, how is that a strop? What’s the problem with her not wanting to chat? Maybe she was in a hurry? Perhaps it’s not even all revolving around you and your wedding. If it’s only been an incident or two that she’s been distant, there could be something else going on, she could be unwell or preoccupied with a work prroblem, who knows.

Each of you has the right to set boundaries in your relationship - her as well as you. From the threads on this board, I conclude many, many stepmoms don’t want to have a friendship or even acquaintanceship with the ex, and vice versa. Perhaps she had a think about your relationship and also concluded (in the same manner as you have) that boundaries needed to be better defined.

Unless you’re willng to ask her directly why she has been distant (and then, having solicited her response, accept what she has to say with good grace), I’m not sure what good there is to dwell on it…probably best to just continue being polite and accept the new boundary.

TryingToBeLogical · 26/04/2022 23:02

Is there any evidence that the ex even expected to be invited? It sounds like she was discussing HER upcoming wedding with your DP, and he preemptively told her she wasn't invited to yours. That's a pretty cringey situation! Maybe his presumption that she would want to come made her feel so uncomfortable, that she's just keeping some distance so no one assumes anything else about her or has a chance to bring up weddings!

Original poster
malificent7 · 27/04/2022 05:27

Yes i agree this new boundary is good. I mainly think the idea that she was ignoring me came when at a prize giving event for sdd and i said hi twice when she was sitting practically next to me and she ignored me.

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Eggshelly · 27/04/2022 05:45

malificent7 · 27/04/2022 05:27

Yes i agree this new boundary is good. I mainly think the idea that she was ignoring me came when at a prize giving event for sdd and i said hi twice when she was sitting practically next to me and she ignored me.

I wouldn't have bothered after the 1st hi. I know it's so hard when you're ignored, best thing to do is to not let it get to you. Keep on saying hi and just carry on with your life.

BadNomad · 27/04/2022 06:40

I think I can see it from her point of view. Everyone got along together fine. She thought everyone was comfortable with her being the mother of your step-children. She thought you all were friends. But, by not inviting her to your wedding, you've shown her you really just see her as "the ex". So if none of that other stuff matters to you, then why should it matter to her. Hence, her now not wasting her time on you. She'll always have to communicate with your DP because of the children, but she has no need to be anything with you.

ClaryFairchild · 27/04/2022 11:21

I have some friends who truly are "friends" with the ex, invited to the wedding, have gone on holiday as a whole family. Was wonderful to see them all at their son's wedding. But they were truly "friends" and not just "friendly". There is a big difference between the two.

Original poster
malificent7 · 04/05/2022 16:32

Well the ex told my dp that she is confused as she thought we were friends which is fair in a way . We have a damily meal on Friday so she has joked it's best we don't sit next to each other. Well there aren't many of us so we have to sit fairly close...we are too old for this childish drama!

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Original poster
malificent7 · 05/05/2022 23:46

So we have a family dinner tomorrow night for sdds bday and x has told dp that she wants to sit on the other end of a ( very small) table...is it just me or is that awkwardness not fair on sdd?

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LightningAndRainbows · 06/05/2022 08:21

malificent7 · 02/04/2022 12:46

They were with their old mutual friends. They were sometimes awkward trips. I went as it made dp happy to socialise with old friends.

Ah are all these mutual friends coming to the wedding? She might be feeling a bit odd that they are going but she isn't. But she needs to grow up.

TryingToBeLogical · 06/05/2022 10:30

OP, this thread petered out days ago and you're reactivated it. Are you sure you aren't enjoying the drama too, just a little bit?

A good rule is: when someone tries to create stupid drama, don't give it to them. Go to your dinner, let her sit wherever she wants, talk to the others, enjoy yourself, get on with your life. Eventually she'll see that her drama doesn't gain attention and she'll stop.

BaaMoon · 06/05/2022 12:27

malificent7 · 05/05/2022 23:46

So we have a family dinner tomorrow night for sdds bday and x has told dp that she wants to sit on the other end of a ( very small) table...is it just me or is that awkwardness not fair on sdd?

Bit weird being so dramatic about it tbh

Original poster
malificent7 · 06/05/2022 15:23

2 close friends have said to me that they think she dòsn't want him but dosn't want anyone else to have him.

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