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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to buy present?

26 replies

strawberrysweets · 24/03/2022 18:27

Hi all,

Opinions please.

With newish DP who has early teens children with ex. While I was with DP & children, there was a discussion over a present which DP had suggested the children get him for Xmas which ex would have needed to order. Present apparently "didn't arrive" and children were upset and embarrassed at Xmas.

When DP went out of the room, I asked the children if they'd like me to order it. They said yes please. I did it. Didn't think anything of it....DP said they didn't usually sort presents for each other from the children (children are old enough etc). Their split was very acrimonious due to her cheating.

Ex is not happy.....contacted DP asking him to talk to me and saying she has spoken to children and told them not to ask me etc etc.

Was I a dick?

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrysweets · 24/03/2022 18:29

Sorry didn't say - order it for birthday

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 24/03/2022 18:29

No

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/03/2022 18:29

So you got dh a gift off dc because ex didn't?

Original poster
strawberrysweets · 24/03/2022 18:31

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

So you got dh a gift off dc because ex didn't?
Yeh sorry, that wasn't clear! Trying to multitask....

It was supposed to be Xmas present but that didn't happen and so I sorted it for birthday pressie

OP posts:
Amandasummers · 24/03/2022 18:31

You are 100% not in the wrong and I’m afraid his ex needs to check herself and realise she has zero say at what happens in your household with regards this sort of thing!

RussianSpy101 · 24/03/2022 18:32

YaDNBU that was a lovely thing to do. The ex sounds a twat!

FelicityPike · 24/03/2022 18:35

No you’re no where near in the wrong.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/03/2022 18:36

Ignore her. She doesn't get to dictate what happens in your home.

Blendiful · 24/03/2022 18:43

She’s annoyed because you did something nice that included her DC and she’s pissed about it.

YANBU and DP needs to explain to his kids that whilst their mum is entitled to her opinion they also shouldn’t feel bad for doing something nice for their dad via you and that they also have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
strawberrysweets · 24/03/2022 19:09

@Blendiful

She’s annoyed because you did something nice that included her DC and she’s pissed about it.

YANBU and DP needs to explain to his kids that whilst their mum is entitled to her opinion they also shouldn’t feel bad for doing something nice for their dad via you and that they also have done nothing wrong.

Thank you - this is what we're most concerned about. The children must be feeling awkward and like they have done something wrong.

DP will definitely speak to the children (and I will too!)

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrysweets · 24/03/2022 19:10

Thank you all for your supportive comments.

It's so tricky - I felt maybe I had unintentionally overstepped the mark but now feel more confident this isn't a "me" issue!

OP posts:
candlesandpitchforks · 24/03/2022 19:16

Ahhh the land of step parenting- when even a nice thing can be twisted into a bad thing.

Your fine, the ex was probably hoping for it to be a quiet f you to your DP and think maybe the kids didn't want to get him anything.

She's not obligated to get him a present though, however she shouldn't have promised the kids she would and go back on that.

Step kids are lucky to have you. Ignore her, nothing will irate her more tbh

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/03/2022 19:25

My then dh's ex had lots of batshittery behaviour.. 1 being texting me abuse if u made dh a cuppa not in the DADDY cup dsd got him.
She must have quizzed that poor dc every week end....

MeridianB · 24/03/2022 19:33

You are not in the wrong.

But it all sounds really messy. So I’d encourage DP to not ask the children for specific gifts again, unless you’re going to get them rather than the ex. With thing so acrimonious, I’m surprised they do this. Does your DP buy for her from them? How old are the children?

Original poster
strawberrysweets · 24/03/2022 19:50

@MeridianB

You are not in the wrong.

But it all sounds really messy. So I’d encourage DP to not ask the children for specific gifts again, unless you’re going to get them rather than the ex. With thing so acrimonious, I’m surprised they do this. Does your DP buy for her from them? How old are the children?

Yes, agree with this - thank you for the suggestion.

He doesn't sort gifts. He does ask the children if they need help but they have usually sorted (her mum helps apparently)

Ages 11 and almost 14

OP posts:
MeridianB · 24/03/2022 20:02

I think it would be different if they were little but, aside from a reminder from your DP about dates for their mum’s birthday and Mother’s Day, it sounds like it’s covered. Nothing wrong with you helping them buy for your DP though.

LabelMaker · 25/03/2022 08:06

The only way I can possibly see why she has got involved is if she has got the wrong end of the stick and thinks her kids have pressured you or asked you to buy it without you offering and is trying to explain to them that your money is your own unless you offer. That is clutching at straws though.

LabelMaker · 25/03/2022 08:07

I agree with PP that DH needs to speak to them so they know they haven't done anything wrong

QuirkyTurtle · 25/03/2022 08:28

Unless everyone involved is on great terms, I don't see why exes need to be buying gifts for each other, even if it's 'from the kids'. I buy my SO gifts for father's day etc 'from his son'. It only ever causes issues.

KylieKoKo · 25/03/2022 14:52

I don't see how you buying your partner a present is any of his ex's business to be honest!

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 15:08

I bet she thought you were trying to prove she lied about buying it or something stupid. She's embarrassed you outed her to her kids.

GlitteryGreen · 25/03/2022 15:58

I'd just ignore her tbh. If she doesn't get a gift from them for your DP then not sure at all what her issue is except petty jealousy.

LabelMaker · 25/03/2022 16:02

@GlitteryGreen

I'd just ignore her tbh. If she doesn't get a gift from them for your DP then not sure at all what her issue is except petty jealousy.
It seems very controlling doesn't it! How dare you spend your money on her children OP haha
GlitteryGreen · 25/03/2022 16:11

Exactly @LabelMaker

I'd have some sympathy if she had always got her ex a little gift from the children and OP had swooped in and got something way bigger for them to give him, but it's not the case.

It's nice for children to give their parents a gift, it's about them more than it is about what the parent is receiving.

RedWingBoots · 25/03/2022 18:09

@KylieKoKo

I don't see how you buying your partner a present is any of his ex's business to be honest!
This.

Why is she so involved in her ex's life with you?