My uni age stepdaughter is footing the bill for her mum. I'm worrying. Advice gratefully received.

[obblebobble18]

My step daughter is 21 and at university full time. She lives away and we pay her accommodation.

I also have a step son who is 20 and at uni but living with us. Husband and I have a 13 year old together too.

My husband and his ex wife divorced when their kids were 3 and 4. (No, I was not the OW! 😅) The kids grew up doing 50/50 between our house and mum’s but my husband still needed to pay maintenance due to the difference in his income and hers. (She is long term unemployed)
The maintenance thing was always fraught because she wanted him to pay the amount he would owe if the children were with her 100% of the time and would constantly submit variations for this which we would have to push back on. Her justification was that we were dual income and therefore could afford double. We rejected this because my income shouldn’t form part of it (and legally does not). I know some people don’t agree with this, but I think we were more than fair and obviously the children were actually with us as often as they were with her.

My husband has not needed to pay her any maintenance for a couple of years now, since my step son finished his college course.

It’s a relief. I mean, our kids are all costing us more than ever, 😱 but it’s just nice to be paying on our own terms and to not be always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

My step daughter has become a bit of a lightening rod for it, because her mum knows we pay her rent. Her mum thinks we bribed her to go to university so that the child maintenance would stop. Which really isn’t true and it really upsets my step daughter.

Her mum has been demanding money from my step daughter and my step daughter has been paying her. We have only learned about this now.

Last night, my step daughter’s landlord called us to say she hasn’t received rent for over 30 days. We had no idea. Since my step daughter left halls, we don’t pay directly anymore. We give it to my step daughter and trust her to pay it. And she always has. (We are guarantors on her contract however).

My husband was climbing the walls but we talked about it and he agreed to try and approach it all calmly and openly. We have asked her to come home this weekend so that we can figure out what is going wrong and find solutions.

I have been emailing the landlord and have agreed to take over the payments permanently, so we will no longer be sending the money directly to my step daughter.

My husband and I have been messaging back and forth with our daughter this week and it has also come to light that she has taken out a credit card, which she has given to her mum. We’ve asked for the statements and she has sent us screen shots of the balance from within the app (£2,000). It’s not strictly our business but we have also asked her if she is in her overdraft and she confirms that she is.

My step daughter does work part time and receives a student loan. (The loan gives her some additional spending money and covers all of her uni fees)
The rent that we pay is “all-inclusive” so she has no other bills to pay, except for her mobile phone which we do not pay for. Obviously she has her other living costs like food and partying and a bus pass.

Before my husband and his ex wife divorced, they had serious money troubles due to a series of secret credit cards that his ex wife held. When it all came to light, it turned out that she owed £20,000 in credit cards in her own name, and a further £5,000 in a credit card which she had in her mother’s name. (My husband’s ex MIL).

The ex MIL knew about all of the debts and had been trying to help her daughter pay them off, but with limited success.
My husband found most of the debt to have been accumulated though online spin machine things. (Gambling)

My husband’s ex wife gave up work about 2 years before my step daughter was born, to be a stay at home wife, and hasn’t worked since. I think she is signed off permanently now due to depression, but I’m not entirely sure of what her financial situation is. I assume things are tight and she really had come to rely on the CMS.

My MIL thinks we need to tell step daughter that she stops sending money to mum or we cut her off but I’m not sure that threats are the way to handle this. Obviously my step daughter adores her mother, but I think she’s too young to be taking on responsibility for her. That said, she won’t just turn her back on her. I’m really worried about this credit card and that she’ll bleed the girl dry.

Has anyone ever had anything similar? How did you handle it?

Or has anyone here been in the situation that the ex wife is in, and needed to take money or credit cards from their kids after the CMS dried up?

Obviously this has all snowballed because we are no longer assuming financial responsibility for the ex wife. We never dreamed the buck would automatically pass to my step daughter. 🤦🏼‍♀️

When my husband and she split, she took 75% of their estate (£85k lump sum) in a exchange for a “clean break” so there has never been any spousal maintenance due.

All of this makes us sound loaded but we are not. We have had to dip into pension savings to make up the missing rent this month. All the kids are now at an age where they come with adult sized costs. We can’t afford to give her a monthly allowance as well as pay all of her rent and we won’t be paying for her mum.

Obviously our bills are skyrocketing like everyone else’s.

Please be kind. It’s obviously quite stressful and we want to fix it, but also to guide her in better choices.

By the way, my husband and I are complete joint finances people. Again, I realise this isn't everyone's cup of tea but it works for us.

CMS shoukd really be paid until the child finishes full time education. Mine was, and my friend took her ex to court and was told this.

I

I'm afraid I agree with your MIL. By paying your SD's accommodation you are effectively subsidising her mother for as long as she keeps giving her money.

You need to talk to your SD and make her see that by enabling her mother she is damaging the mother, herself and you.

Your step daughters mother is a leech. What kind of human being sits on their arse not working whilst sucking money out of their student child? It's outrageous. The lack of shame is astonishing

(As an aside the idea stepdaughter should not have gone to uni so ex wife was still getting child support - WTAF (and surely it would end at 18 / end of school abyway)

Your poor step daughter will need your love and support, she's being financially and emotionally abused by her mother. Your husband will have to confront the mother, there's no choice but to pay this off on her behalf - can you move this money onto a 0% card in your name to save the interest?

I think your husband needs to speak to his ex wife directly and tell her straight what a fucking terrible human being she is, how disgusting she is and that she won't get another penny via her daughter. Your step daughter needs support / counselling to help her deal with this abusive relationship

Truly my flabber is ghasted

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

CMS shoukd really be paid until the child finishes full time education. Mine was, and my friend took her ex to court and was told this.

I

CMS should not be paid at all if the children are 50:50...

Aaaah, l missed that! Didn’t realise it was 50/50.

Yeah the stepmother is a leech.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

CMS shoukd really be paid until the child finishes full time education. Mine was, and my friend took her ex to court and was told this.

I

What exactly is the DM paying for for the SD that she needs CM? Oh do you mean the DM should be paying the OPs DH/SDs rent? That I agree with!

Your stepdaughter is a victim of financial abuse and should be treated as such

Did her mum want her to have to come home hoping the money would be paid to her?

Tbh, he should have made changes to stop this parasitical woman from living off child maintenance years and years ago. Let’s face it, it wasn’t really child maintenance. She was using it to continue to avoid having to support herself.

I think that her father needs to tell the SD that she must use the money you give her for rent for her rent. Otherwise she will accrue her own housing debt and he will not bail her out of it. She’s an adult and, while she’s at university, he is willing to pay her housing costs. But she must not divert that money for any other purposes.

If he’s had to act as guarantor for the student housing, I’d switch back to direct payments to the housing provider. And I’d insist on repayments for what she’s diverted from the purpose.

This will be a good lesson for her on financial management.

Is also offer to pay for counselling to help her to set appropriate boundaries with her mother. It’s unacceptable that she’s switched her parasitical ways to focus on her children. But the SD needs to be open to this and able to see how inappropriate her mother’s actions are.

Your poor stepdaughter. Her mother sounds like an absolutely despicable human being. From reading your post, it seems that this woman is so keen to avoid the world of employment that she’s just going to exploit her daughter until the end of time rather than just get off her arse and get a job. If she lived in any other country in the world, she’d have starved to death years ago.

You’re doing the right thing paying your stepdaughter’s rent direct to the landlord and need to have a serious conversation with her about the dangers of taking out credit cards for her mother. I agree with previous posters who suggested your stepdaughter gets some counselling as her mother is definitely abusing her emotionally and financially.

You need to convince your SD to tell people her own age what her mother is doing.

While you, her father and her grandmother can tell her that her mother is a leech, refuse to give money to your SD, etc your SD will not see it as wrong until her own peers tell her it is.

It needs to be done before SD starts working full-time as in some cultures children give their parents money once they have finished education and are working full-time.

You DSD credit rating will go down the pan and could have big implications for her in the future if she carries on this path with her mother.

A few things:

1. I totally agree with all posters that say ex is financially abusing her daughter. I think it's systemic in her family... all this weirdness and secrecy around money and credit cards. I find it to be really odd. And sort of enmeshed.

1. Definitely no CMS due once a child is at university. There are certain courses in which it is payable up until they're 20, if they're in college etc. but uni doesn't count and especially since my step daughter lives independently of her mother.

1. In cases where the children are split 50/50 BUT one parent earns significantly more, the less well off parent can, I'm afraid, still apply for maintenance. To rebalance the difference in lifestyles that the children experience between both houses. We went all the way to a first tier tribunal over this and it was ruled in her favour.

Is the consensus that we continue paying SD's rent but offer to put her into some counselling too?

I would continue to pay her rent but you need to have a full and frank conversation about why she is f giving her mum money and now she thinks she’s going to pay for it, because you’re not, and she needs to get the money back from her mum for the CC.

If she cannot see the issue, she needs therapy.

I ended up like this a bit with my mum. Id pay her water bill or gas bill when I visited her as I was so worried about her (and I diddnt have financial support from a better of different parent!!!) Hence clicking on the thread. I really feel sad for the "young me" now.

Absolutely dont turn your back on the girl. Its obviously not her fault and if she is like me just wants to help her mum and as a child that urge is soooo strong. Even if its wrong.

Counselling might help but not sure how to suggest it without looking like you're criticising her. It will be free through uni.

She certainly needs support.

I think if you can pay SD's rent direct to the landlord then yes, keep paying it. I mean, I don't think she should be punished by withdrawing financial support but understandably you want to prevent this leeching continuing.

When you say systemic in the family - are your step children cheeky fuckers over money? Does your husband have a shrug and sigh attitude or does he see how terrible this is?

My husbands first wife has similar form, and their eldest adult child has similar traits, but nothing like this not even close.

I meant to add my mum wasn't/isnt evil or despicable etc. She was mentally unwell and wasnt in control.

I would carry on paying her rent, but directly to her landlord, and I would talk to her, maybe with someone who is more neutral to discuss the abuse issue and how it needs to be addressed.

What an absolute disgrace. What mother does this too her child?
Ypur poor sd she needs therapy and cutting of from this mother.

I would get your DSD support e.g a counsellor who specialises in children of addicts. Likely she has been manipulated her entire life and it will be near on impossible for her to listen to you alone even if she wants to. The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) will be on overdrive.
I think paying her rent directly is wise.

Overall I’d approach it kindly and say something like “sweetie we know you love your mum. You also know it’s not normal to have to pay for your mum or getting to debt for her. How can we help you avoid this happening again?”

Have you considered contacting the University Safeguarding lead? They can determine if she is suffering financial abuse and can take steps to safeguard her.

I know it is really hard on your SD but at some point she has to be firm with her mother and not be a gravy train forever. I would certainly not pay anything further than you are already but the counselling is a good idea to teach her how to deal with this.

I think the step daughter was extremely deceitful to give away the money given by you to pay her rent. You've done the right thing now to change to paying direct.

I think that you have done the right thing by making direct rent payments. You absolutely shouldn't cut her off, she is being abused by the person who is supposed to love her the most in the world.

I wouldn't send her to counselling, unless she wants to go. Counselling won't change the underlying situation or help SD deal with the immediate problem. Your dh needs to deal directly with the mother, keeping SD out of it, and say that coercing her DD to provide credit card access etc is financial abuse, criminal and punishable by prison. Tell her that you have cut off all SD's money and will only pay direct to her landlord/whatever else she needs to pay for and that she is not to take any further money from SD or you will involve the police. He can make it clear that he found out that her rent money had gone to her mum because the landlord phoned up furious about the lack of rent. You might seek advice from a solicitor at this stage and have a letter sent to the mum from the solicitor as well as your dh tackling her directly. The letter should include a request to return the 2000, but it's unlikely you'll get it and I would at least ensure the min payments are being met or your sd will get her credit rating hammered.