My uni age stepdaughter is footing the bill for her mum. I'm worrying. Advice gratefully received.

[obblebobble18]

My step daughter is 21 and at university full time. She lives away and we pay her accommodation.

I also have a step son who is 20 and at uni but living with us. Husband and I have a 13 year old together too.

My husband and his ex wife divorced when their kids were 3 and 4. (No, I was not the OW! 😅) The kids grew up doing 50/50 between our house and mum’s but my husband still needed to pay maintenance due to the difference in his income and hers. (She is long term unemployed)
The maintenance thing was always fraught because she wanted him to pay the amount he would owe if the children were with her 100% of the time and would constantly submit variations for this which we would have to push back on. Her justification was that we were dual income and therefore could afford double. We rejected this because my income shouldn’t form part of it (and legally does not). I know some people don’t agree with this, but I think we were more than fair and obviously the children were actually with us as often as they were with her.

My husband has not needed to pay her any maintenance for a couple of years now, since my step son finished his college course.

It’s a relief. I mean, our kids are all costing us more than ever, 😱 but it’s just nice to be paying on our own terms and to not be always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

My step daughter has become a bit of a lightening rod for it, because her mum knows we pay her rent. Her mum thinks we bribed her to go to university so that the child maintenance would stop. Which really isn’t true and it really upsets my step daughter.

Her mum has been demanding money from my step daughter and my step daughter has been paying her. We have only learned about this now.

Last night, my step daughter’s landlord called us to say she hasn’t received rent for over 30 days. We had no idea. Since my step daughter left halls, we don’t pay directly anymore. We give it to my step daughter and trust her to pay it. And she always has. (We are guarantors on her contract however).

My husband was climbing the walls but we talked about it and he agreed to try and approach it all calmly and openly. We have asked her to come home this weekend so that we can figure out what is going wrong and find solutions.

I have been emailing the landlord and have agreed to take over the payments permanently, so we will no longer be sending the money directly to my step daughter.

My husband and I have been messaging back and forth with our daughter this week and it has also come to light that she has taken out a credit card, which she has given to her mum. We’ve asked for the statements and she has sent us screen shots of the balance from within the app (£2,000). It’s not strictly our business but we have also asked her if she is in her overdraft and she confirms that she is.

My step daughter does work part time and receives a student loan. (The loan gives her some additional spending money and covers all of her uni fees)
The rent that we pay is “all-inclusive” so she has no other bills to pay, except for her mobile phone which we do not pay for. Obviously she has her other living costs like food and partying and a bus pass.

Before my husband and his ex wife divorced, they had serious money troubles due to a series of secret credit cards that his ex wife held. When it all came to light, it turned out that she owed £20,000 in credit cards in her own name, and a further £5,000 in a credit card which she had in her mother’s name. (My husband’s ex MIL).

The ex MIL knew about all of the debts and had been trying to help her daughter pay them off, but with limited success.
My husband found most of the debt to have been accumulated though online spin machine things. (Gambling)

My husband’s ex wife gave up work about 2 years before my step daughter was born, to be a stay at home wife, and hasn’t worked since. I think she is signed off permanently now due to depression, but I’m not entirely sure of what her financial situation is. I assume things are tight and she really had come to rely on the CMS.

My MIL thinks we need to tell step daughter that she stops sending money to mum or we cut her off but I’m not sure that threats are the way to handle this. Obviously my step daughter adores her mother, but I think she’s too young to be taking on responsibility for her. That said, she won’t just turn her back on her. I’m really worried about this credit card and that she’ll bleed the girl dry.

Has anyone ever had anything similar? How did you handle it?

Or has anyone here been in the situation that the ex wife is in, and needed to take money or credit cards from their kids after the CMS dried up?

Obviously this has all snowballed because we are no longer assuming financial responsibility for the ex wife. We never dreamed the buck would automatically pass to my step daughter. 🤦🏼‍♀️

When my husband and she split, she took 75% of their estate (£85k lump sum) in a exchange for a “clean break” so there has never been any spousal maintenance due.

All of this makes us sound loaded but we are not. We have had to dip into pension savings to make up the missing rent this month. All the kids are now at an age where they come with adult sized costs. We can’t afford to give her a monthly allowance as well as pay all of her rent and we won’t be paying for her mum.

Obviously our bills are skyrocketing like everyone else’s.

Please be kind. It’s obviously quite stressful and we want to fix it, but also to guide her in better choices.

You need to tell SD that she is being financially abused (and most likely emotionally abused) by her mum. Can you point her in the direction of some support. She probably doesn’t realise she is being abused.

Once she graduated and gets a job the abuse will ramp up as mum will see her as fair game as she is working so will be seen a rich. I was this person some years ago and about of manipulation and pressure I was put under so that my relatives could pump me for money was incredible.

In the end I had to block my relatives and come off all forms of social media as the begging phone calls and messages were non-stop. I would be in a meeting for an hour and come back to 20+ begging messages that would cause a panic attack. On one occasion someone put a photo of me on Facebook as I went out for my birthday (and spent £20). I then got a torrent of abuse as I wouldn’t given my relatives money they week before and demanding money now. On one occasion I found out that my nan and I had both paid a council tax bill for my relative so the bailiffs wouldn’t come. I was used to his games so paid the council direct. However, my nan just sent him £800 to pay the non-existent bill I’d already paid for him!

Hi again everyone. Some really good advice on here.

We have asked her to cancel the card and to bring all the statements with her this weekend so that we can see exactly what is being spent and where.
To be completely honest, I think we will pay this card off for her but we want to tread very carefully. The last thing I want is to breed entitlement or a sense that we're a bank. I'm bracing myself for a very intense weekend with lots of tears and stern talks.
Apparently her mum has been making payments on the card, but I could see from the screen shot that "utilisation" has been hovering at maximum (£2k was the card limit) for a while, so I suspect minimum payments.

We've also asked her to bring details of her overdraft but we won't make her share if she doesn't want to. My husband says he will not be paying off the overdraft but he'd just like to know the extend of it all.

To whomever asked how she seemed when we found out, I would say she was pretty scared which makes me feel awful. I hate the thought of her worrying about making rent and not feeling like she could talk to us. I keep thinking of all the landlord dodging and sleepless nights she must have had and wishing we had just known sooner.

I think relief is setting in now. Now that the rent is paid and she has a Chinese takeaway waiting here for her on Saturday night. 😅

My husband isn't mad with her but he's absolutely simmering at his ex wife. I've forbidden him from contacting her until he's slept on it. 😅

God, what a mess.

It's funny that some of you should mention the possibility that my SD's mum might have impersonated her to get more credit. We had a problem a few years ago with someone at her address opening a bank account in my husband's name, at her address, and then someone applying for universal credit in his name. Problematic for my husband who is employed and paying tax.

Of course it "wasn't her". It was an admin error. Or something. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Is it easy for an undergraduate to get a credit card with that kind of credit limit on the back of a part time job and no savings? None of my DC were able to do this.

Are you sure she has not been persuaded to mislead the credit card company about her income?

I really feel for your SD. I use to give my mum money when she wasn't working out of some sort of guilt/loyalty- I'm not sure what- but she'd say she just needed a tenner for milk ect then it was £20 and this would be nearly everyday in the end! I just couldn't say no thinking of her without and her being my mum. I finally did when I was pregnant but I felt awful!
My brother has the same relationship with his daughter and his daughter has taken out a credit card for him. I've said my bit to my niece and tried to guide her but I think she has to learn on her own.
It's tough position to be in!

"I think relief is setting in now. Now that the rent is paid and she has a Chinese takeaway waiting here for her on Saturday night."

I think she's very lucky to have you

Your step-daughters mother is supposed to be helping her with university expenses if at all possible. If she can’t, fair enough. Not everyone has the financial means .

What she is actually doing is abusing her daughter. You are going to be very explicit with the step-daughter that her mother’s requests are completely inappropriate. SD is digging herself into a whole that will impact her financial stability for the rest of her life. She needs that laid out in harsh terms.

@Ulchabhan

Is it easy for an undergraduate to get a credit card with that kind of credit limit on the back of a part time job and no savings? None of my DC were able to do this.

Are you sure she has not been persuaded to mislead the credit card company about her income?

Yes, I said this! My SD insists that they have just kept raising the limit. I'm sceptical. I'm sure there's more to learn yet.

It might be sensible to also point out to your step daughter that financial actions now can have long term implications for her. If she hasn't already, it might be worthwhile asking her if she would consider registering with a credit reference agency such as Experian, Credit Karma or suchlike, and together (if she is happy for you to be involved), review all the info they hold on her, to ensure (a) it is correct (b) she is not being financially linked with her mother (c) nothing untoward on same etc.

See if DD can get a zero interest rate credit card transfer so her Mum still has to carry on paying it off!!!

I would be telling DSD and her Mum that you do not have any savings and cannot afford to pay it off.

Simply otherwise her Mum will carry on expecting you to bail DSD out for the debt she gets her in.

Your poor stepdaughter. She’s so lucky to have you and her dad .

Could you make therapy a condition of help with the credit card debt? If you can afford it, it could be really helpful to have a professional help her come to terms with her mum’s financial abuse.

If not, definitely encourage her to speak to her friends. Maybe when she sees how shocked her peers are she’ll realise how messed up her mum’s actions have been.

What an awful situation for you all. I really hope it works out.

Is your SD aware of her mother's history of debt and financially instability? I would make sure she knows that she isn't going to be able to fix her mother's financial woes and that she is just going to get herself deeper and deeper into debt. If she knows her mom's difficulties with managing money are long standing and that her grandmother is still paying off debts and that no matter what she gives her, her mother will just want / need more....

If she is insistent that she help her mother, then encourage her to set a monthly set amount. She is going to send her 100 a month or pay one specific bill for her etc. and then help her stick to her guns that she shouldn't more.

You and your husband sound really kind.

I don’t know how I would stop myself from contacting the ex.

My mother can guilt trip me into sending her money because she’s got herself into situations that are never her fault. The thing that helped me was getting into and understanding budgeting. Once I knew more about where my money was going I was more protective over it. I learnt to say no.

OP, you already have some fantastic advice.

But, when you sit down with your DSD, think about how you (or better your DH) can teach her to say NO to her mother. Giving her the tools through "what if" role play & back up support from you or counselling is what she needs. Uni might also have good support services for their students.

And maybe it is time for her to understand the financial reasons why her parents divorced- mention the debt & clean break pay out. If she doesn't know already.
Good luck, it's not going to be easy, but having this out in the open will be one of best things you will ever do for her!

@Ulchabhan

Is it easy for an undergraduate to get a credit card with that kind of credit limit on the back of a part time job and no savings? None of my DC were able to do this.

Are you sure she has not been persuaded to mislead the credit card company about her income?

I got my first credit card as a student with a then £1000 card limit as it was in the 90s. I know from other people that students are now given limits up to what the OP's SD has got.

@Just10moreminutesplease

Your poor stepdaughter. She’s so lucky to have you and her dad .

Could you make therapy a condition of help with the credit card debt? If you can afford it, it could be really helpful to have a professional help her come to terms with her mum’s financial abuse.

If not, definitely encourage her to speak to her friends. Maybe when she sees how shocked her peers are she’ll realise how messed up her mum’s actions have been.

What an awful situation for you all. I really hope it works out.

She needs to have therapy and speak to her friends.

Abusers need you to be silent about their treatment of you. As soon as you let other people know what they are up to these other people should make it very clear to you the abuse is not normal behaviour.

Your peers can also come up with strategies to help you deal with the abuser, practical support and connect you to other people who can help you.

Oh and OP you need your SD to tell her brother herself what their mum is doing to her as he will be their mother's next target. Your MIL also needs to talk to both her grandchildren.

@obblebobble18 granted it was 20 years ago now, but I very easily got a credit card with a £1k limit as an undergraduate which was increased without my knowledge - literally, I was in Canada using a credit card with the intention of stopping when it started getting declined . Unbeknownst go me, my limit had been increased to £4000 and then my mum paid it off without telling me.

Definitely have a conversation about it - I got myself in a really bad financial position at her age, ending up owing over £10000 the year my salary was £14000. I wanted subbing my mum I was just overspending but no one ever really sat me down and talked me through the potential consequences which might have helped in the long term.

And to add I feel really sorry for her, she’s so caught. It’s lovely that her dad and you are able to support her.

Is there a gamblers equivalent of al alon… the charity that supports family members of alcoholics. I do think your SD would benefit from your ongoing love and support and some professional support on how to love someone who is self-destructive and not try to rescue them.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy my card issuer refused to increase my limit while I was a student.

Then when I got a job they did increase it and have a few times but I've never been anywhere near the limit, so they just stopped. I have a few more credit cards which I use for different things but again I don't go anywhere near the limit.

@Arucanafeather

Is there a gamblers equivalent of al alon… the charity that supports family members of alcoholics. I do think your SD would benefit from your ongoing love and support and some professional support on how to love someone who is self-destructive and not try to rescue them.

This?

www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

The university should have a safeguarding /support/ welfare officer who can point you all in the direction of sound financial advice about how to deal with the credit card debt. The advisor needs to make the long-term financial implications clear to your SD.

I don’t think you paying off the credit card is the answer. It’ll just make it easier for her to apply for another card next time she is pressured by her mother. The CC company can put a stop to increasing the limit, and it should be possible for them to freeze it so it cannot be used for spending. The last thing you want is to open the door to the mum realising you will just pay this off.

If it transpires that the mother has fraudulently taken out the CC in SD’s name, rather than SD giving her the card, you have to go to the police.

If you want to offer financial support, it might be better to not only pre-pay her rent, but to buy supermarket gift cards so you know she can buy food. Your SD might then just have to make minimum payments on the CC

@Liveandkicking

I would get your DSD support e.g a counsellor who specialises in children of addicts. Likely she has been manipulated her entire life and it will be near on impossible for her to listen to you alone even if she wants to. The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) will be on overdrive. I think paying her rent directly is wise.

Overall I’d approach it kindly and say something like “sweetie we know you love your mum. You also know it’s not normal to have to pay for your mum or getting to debt for her. How can we help you avoid this happening again?”

This. She is the child of an addict and needs counselling to protect herself for what will be an issue for her for the entire time her mother is alive. Poor young woman, what a legacy to live with.

[quote RedWingBoots]@ChiefWiggumsBoy my card issuer refused to increase my limit while I was a student.

Then when I got a job they did increase it and have a few times but I've never been anywhere near the limit, so they just stopped. I have a few more credit cards which I use for different things but again I don't go anywhere near the limit.[/quote]
I find it absolutely mental what they will and won’t do.

I’ve got a significant amount of credit card debt and last year moved house and increased the mortgage.

I’m not even exaggerating when I say over the course of the year I’ve been offered over £25k of additional credit across my various accounts! Crazy! I’m not even earning that much!

Your SD is being abused. Do what you can (and you sound lovely) but I really would be tempted to go to the police with all this. Why on earth should your hard-earned cash go towards the ex’s bills? I’d be helping SD confront her mother and demand that everything is paid back quick smart, or you’ll help SD start legal proceedings. She’s an out and out parasite!