My uni age stepdaughter is footing the bill for her mum. I'm worrying. Advice gratefully received.

[obblebobble18]

My step daughter is 21 and at university full time. She lives away and we pay her accommodation.

I also have a step son who is 20 and at uni but living with us. Husband and I have a 13 year old together too.

My husband and his ex wife divorced when their kids were 3 and 4. (No, I was not the OW! 😅) The kids grew up doing 50/50 between our house and mum’s but my husband still needed to pay maintenance due to the difference in his income and hers. (She is long term unemployed)
The maintenance thing was always fraught because she wanted him to pay the amount he would owe if the children were with her 100% of the time and would constantly submit variations for this which we would have to push back on. Her justification was that we were dual income and therefore could afford double. We rejected this because my income shouldn’t form part of it (and legally does not). I know some people don’t agree with this, but I think we were more than fair and obviously the children were actually with us as often as they were with her.

My husband has not needed to pay her any maintenance for a couple of years now, since my step son finished his college course.

It’s a relief. I mean, our kids are all costing us more than ever, 😱 but it’s just nice to be paying on our own terms and to not be always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

My step daughter has become a bit of a lightening rod for it, because her mum knows we pay her rent. Her mum thinks we bribed her to go to university so that the child maintenance would stop. Which really isn’t true and it really upsets my step daughter.

Her mum has been demanding money from my step daughter and my step daughter has been paying her. We have only learned about this now.

Last night, my step daughter’s landlord called us to say she hasn’t received rent for over 30 days. We had no idea. Since my step daughter left halls, we don’t pay directly anymore. We give it to my step daughter and trust her to pay it. And she always has. (We are guarantors on her contract however).

My husband was climbing the walls but we talked about it and he agreed to try and approach it all calmly and openly. We have asked her to come home this weekend so that we can figure out what is going wrong and find solutions.

I have been emailing the landlord and have agreed to take over the payments permanently, so we will no longer be sending the money directly to my step daughter.

My husband and I have been messaging back and forth with our daughter this week and it has also come to light that she has taken out a credit card, which she has given to her mum. We’ve asked for the statements and she has sent us screen shots of the balance from within the app (£2,000). It’s not strictly our business but we have also asked her if she is in her overdraft and she confirms that she is.

My step daughter does work part time and receives a student loan. (The loan gives her some additional spending money and covers all of her uni fees)
The rent that we pay is “all-inclusive” so she has no other bills to pay, except for her mobile phone which we do not pay for. Obviously she has her other living costs like food and partying and a bus pass.

Before my husband and his ex wife divorced, they had serious money troubles due to a series of secret credit cards that his ex wife held. When it all came to light, it turned out that she owed £20,000 in credit cards in her own name, and a further £5,000 in a credit card which she had in her mother’s name. (My husband’s ex MIL).

The ex MIL knew about all of the debts and had been trying to help her daughter pay them off, but with limited success.
My husband found most of the debt to have been accumulated though online spin machine things. (Gambling)

My husband’s ex wife gave up work about 2 years before my step daughter was born, to be a stay at home wife, and hasn’t worked since. I think she is signed off permanently now due to depression, but I’m not entirely sure of what her financial situation is. I assume things are tight and she really had come to rely on the CMS.

My MIL thinks we need to tell step daughter that she stops sending money to mum or we cut her off but I’m not sure that threats are the way to handle this. Obviously my step daughter adores her mother, but I think she’s too young to be taking on responsibility for her. That said, she won’t just turn her back on her. I’m really worried about this credit card and that she’ll bleed the girl dry.

Has anyone ever had anything similar? How did you handle it?

Or has anyone here been in the situation that the ex wife is in, and needed to take money or credit cards from their kids after the CMS dried up?

Obviously this has all snowballed because we are no longer assuming financial responsibility for the ex wife. We never dreamed the buck would automatically pass to my step daughter. 🤦🏼‍♀️

When my husband and she split, she took 75% of their estate (£85k lump sum) in a exchange for a “clean break” so there has never been any spousal maintenance due.

All of this makes us sound loaded but we are not. We have had to dip into pension savings to make up the missing rent this month. All the kids are now at an age where they come with adult sized costs. We can’t afford to give her a monthly allowance as well as pay all of her rent and we won’t be paying for her mum.

Obviously our bills are skyrocketing like everyone else’s.

Please be kind. It’s obviously quite stressful and we want to fix it, but also to guide her in better choices.

As pp pointed out, CMS is definitely not payable once a child is at Uni. A private arrangement is a different matter and it's up to the parent.

OP I think you're doing the right thing in paying DSD's rent direct. It's really concerning that her mother is manipulating her into taking on debts for her.

That's awful that she's been manipulated into taking out a card for her mother. I hope mother doesn't have the card any more?

@DaisyTheUnicorn thank you for your insight. I have a feeling that it is like you describe; a sort of ad-hoc "can you just pay this" "can you just apply for this credit card" "I haven't paid my water bill"

And my SD steps up, because she really worries about her mum. I do think her mum is unwell and, funnily enough, I think that not working for all these years has sort of compounded that issue. I think she just spends too much time at home without proper engagement or stimulus. I've always thought she was a bit crackers but I have always trained myself to not really pay it any attention. Like not looking at a car crash on your way past it IYSWIM? I adapted this approach fairly early on when I realised that having an opinion on the kid's mum was damaging for them. They just wanted their little worlds to make sense, and I wanted to be kind.

Now I wonder if I maybe was too passive, and I've raised them to think their mum's behaviours are normal.

@spacehardware when I talk about it being systemic, I was referring to her relationship with the ex wife's own family. Her mother and her step father and her father. I'm aware they all help her out financially. That they have taken out credit cards for her to use. There was once some talk of them giving her £50k, to top up her divorce settlement so she could buy a house outright but she "lost" it all. I think perhaps on more gambling, but I'm not totally sure tbh.
My step children are never cheeky about money. Sometimes they can only ever see the "bad" in something, which I feel like I'm always having to tell them not to do. Like we take them on an amazing holiday and when we get back, they say "it was alright but at one of the restaurants, my food was wrong".
They definitely get this from their mum. 😅Lasso them the moon and they'd complain that the rope gave them rope burn. 😅

But no, not CF. Really nice kids. I'm proud of how they've turned out. It's just like my SD to give her mum money, she's just so empathetic. And tbf, I don't think she's lied to us since it all came bubbling over.

Your poor SD. Don’t threaten to cut her off if she doesn’t do as she’s told, but do explain the danger she is in with the cc and encourage her to cancel it immediately. It has such huge implications for future purchase and job prospects. I would continue to pay her rent directly.

@spacehardware

Your step daughters mother is a leech. What kind of human being sits on their arse not working whilst sucking money out of their student child? It's outrageous. The lack of shame is astonishing

(As an aside the idea stepdaughter should not have gone to uni so ex wife was still getting child support - WTAF (and surely it would end at 18 / end of school abyway)

Your poor step daughter will need your love and support, she's being financially and emotionally abused by her mother. Your husband will have to confront the mother, there's no choice but to pay this off on her behalf - can you move this money onto a 0% card in your name to save the interest?

I think your husband needs to speak to his ex wife directly and tell her straight what a fucking terrible human being she is, how disgusting she is and that she won't get another penny via her daughter. Your step daughter needs support / counselling to help her deal with this abusive relationship

Truly my flabber is ghasted

This hits the nail on the head. The Exwife is financially abusing her own daughter. Your stepdaughter needs support and help to break free from her mothers abuse. I’d be confronting the Exwife and not only telling her what a disgusting abusive piece of shit she is, but threaten to report her to the police. Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence, it is illegal and she can go to prison for it if she continues to do this to her daughter.

Your step daughter needs to call and freeze that credit card today. She needs to go low/no contact with her mother and not send her a single £ more. That will be very difficult for her to do, but as the mother seems ri have a gambling addiction perhaps you can show her that the best way to help her mother is to not send her money because she’s an addict who is abusing her.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

CMS shoukd really be paid until the child finishes full time education. Mine was, and my friend took her ex to court and was told this.

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They are paying her full board rent - that'll be more than CM. And it's clear the mother would be spending it herself - look at what's happened!

More than anything your poor stepdaughter needs support and therapy.

Pay the rent direct if you can. SD needs a serious sit down talk about not subsiding her mother, but I cab imagine she feels totally torn.

When I was at uni my dad was supposed to pay my rent. He didn't (alcoholic, long story). It fucked up my credit rating for years, and me too tbh. I'd try and support SD to untangle herself as much as possible.

Oh wow, what a tough situation. Unfortunately your SD is an adult. It’s fine to cry ‘put her into therapy’ ‘contact the safeguarding lead’ but SD is an adult.

It sounds like SD has been choosing (misguidedly) to make this decision to open up a credit card. All decisions/discussions/boundaries can only be negotiated between yourselves and the daughter. Ultimately if the SD wants to get herself into debt to support her mum then she can. Gentle suggestions what is appropriate and what is financial abuse. What is addiction and how does this affect people. If these conversations have been avoided til now it’s time to start having them.

Very difficult for you guys to sit back and watch it.

I would look into making sure she knows how to do check her credit score, whether that is something you can keep an eye on? Its difficult because she is an adult, but while they are not as easy to get anymore and the rules are stricter they are still available and at that age, I think I had 4 or 5 credit cards that were more or less thrown in my direction.

How did SD react when she realised you’d found out?

Was she relieved that you knew, or angry?

I know people are saying that she’s an adult, but you don’t have to search for long through the Relationships board here to find those much older who are still trying to draw boundaries between them and their shitty parents.

Did she know what would happen if she'd continued to not pay her rent? What would she do or she was evicted and her dad and you were landed with a big bill?

I know that there are adults on here that can't escape their FOG and it's easier to get caught up when you're a uni student who depends on your parents for a place to stay out of teen time but she's been financially abuse and it's horrifying that her mum has no shame to use her. Poor girl

@needmoreshinys

I would look into making sure she knows how to do check her credit score, whether that is something you can keep an eye on? Its difficult because she is an adult, but while they are not as easy to get anymore and the rules are stricter they are still available and at that age, I think I had 4 or 5 credit cards that were more or less thrown in my direction.

I didn't add the word payday loans into my post

How incredibly sad - its hard enough to tackle the FOG in an abusive child/parent relationship when the child is older, but a young girl at uni just doesn't stand a chance. I think a lot of talking has to be done and thank god she has you and her dad as support. When I say talking I mean to support her but also for your DH to confront the mother. Awful situation, thank god you've discovered it now as I reckon it could have been much worse in 6 months time.

"Unfortunately your SD is an adult. It’s fine to cry ‘put her into therapy’ ‘contact the safeguarding lead’ but SD is an adult."

Even in the 90s universities took safeguarding seriously and now they tend to view young people as very much "young"

They will try to help if SD lets them

Honestly your SD is barely adult, is there any way you could report to the credit card company or police to report it as financial control coercion. What your SD perhaps doesn’t realise is the long term impact of screwing up your credit score, she will be setting herself up to play life on hard mode! I don’t know how any mother could do it and I feel for you trying to pick up the pieces and put it all right.
It sounds like your SD loves her mum but you need to try and get her to see that her behaviour is enabling at best (her mum a coercive selfish piece of shit at worst). Where does it end? If she pays this now, is she expected to pay more when she graduates and gets a proper job? What happens when she meets a partner? Will they be happy she is subsidising someone else’s life? Would she be happy if the shoe was on the other foot? What about when she has her own kids to pay out for? The kindest thing is to nip it in the bud, cut her off now and live with the short term pain for long term gain. And for gods sake cancel the credit card before she gets in any deeper!

I have been this child in the past and it's the most dreadful emotional burden to carry. DSD will be pulled in two over this.

Please don't pull financial support but take steps to ensure that money cannot be diverted to Ex - e.g. pay rent directly to landlord, if you cover any other expenses such as bills then try and arrange to pay supplier directly. Maybe get DSD to set up an Amazon wishlist for her textbooks so you can buy them rather than giving money.

Counselling is a great idea.

DSD is a victim here and needs to be supported as such.

@Unmumsymofo

Honestly your SD is barely adult, is there any way you could report to the credit card company or police to report it as financial control coercion. What your SD perhaps doesn’t realise is the long term impact of screwing up your credit score, she will be setting herself up to play life on hard mode! I don’t know how any mother could do it and I feel for you trying to pick up the pieces and put it all right. It sounds like your SD loves her mum but you need to try and get her to see that her behaviour is enabling at best (her mum a coercive selfish piece of shit at worst). Where does it end? If she pays this now, is she expected to pay more when she graduates and gets a proper job? What happens when she meets a partner? Will they be happy she is subsidising someone else’s life? Would she be happy if the shoe was on the other foot? What about when she has her own kids to pay out for? The kindest thing is to nip it in the bud, cut her off now and live with the short term pain for long term gain. And for gods sake cancel the credit card before she gets in any deeper!

I meant to encourage SD to cut off mother btw…not to cut off SD. I agree SD is very much a victim and needs support!

Your step daughter weds to run a credit check on herself to check if there is anything she doesn't know about.

I’m really worried about this credit card and that she’ll bleed the girl dry

When she comes home get her to call and cancel the card. Poor girl.

Needs, not weds 🤦🏻‍♀️

@lunar1

Your step daughter weds to run a credit check on herself to check if there is anything she doesn't know about.

I didn't even think of this but yes, get SD to do a credit checked just in case mum impersonates her to get credit

My mum was an awful human being regarding money in my late teens and early 20s. She took out credit in my name without me knowing, ran it up and then it went to a debt collection agency. When I had a payout for a car accident when I was 19 she added up everything she had spent on the last few years and demanded it back, she wanted over half my settlement. I went abroad to work and came home after 6 months to find they had moved house and the spare room (my room) had been rented to a lodger so I had to sleep on the sofa....the list is endless....she manipulated every single situation and I wish someone had been in my corner at the time. Please be there for your SD. I'm now late 30s and have never forgiven my mother and am LC.

This is relatively easy to fix- although emotional of course.

Your SD sounds lovely, and needs a good dose of straight talking about relationships, finances and the realities of the world. She needs to know that you will support her, and that she can still love her DM without bailing her out.

In your shoes I would make sure that all of my financial support was conditional on not one penny going directly or indirectly to the mother. If DSD wants to take her out for something to eat there and then, or buy her a new item of clothing from time to time - then fine - but no more.

I don't think that giving your DSD's mother a piece of your mind is going to resolve anything. I'm not really sure your DSD needs counselling. If you can afford to, I wouldn't be pressing anyone to pay the money back. The behaviour just needs to stop (or be stopped).

Your DSD just needs your support to know that you are there for her financially and emotionally, and you need to agree together what the boundaries and strategies for dealing with this are.

I would highly recommend you watch the whole of Sex Education with her (well OK, maybe separately!). The Erin / Maeve dynamic is very interesting, and dealt with in depth, and sensitively. The difference being that Maeve doesn't have anyone to support her.

Hi OP, just to echo others, I think it's right and decent for you to go on paying the rent, and that credit card beeds to be stopped right speedily.

Other than that, the question is how to protect you SD from her mother's psychological pressure. And that's a hard one. Can you speak to the mother's family?

Please help your DSD with therapy and get her to engage with the student welfare services.

Her mum is emotionally manipulating her and being financially abusive, it will be hard for your DSD to stand up to her. She will need a lot of support to do that.