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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want stepdaughter alone with my children

97 replies

BossyFlossie76 · 25/02/2022 23:15

I have a newborn and a toddler. I was out of sight and heard my stepdaughter say to my toddler “I am the devil and I will kill you”. She also talks to him about death when we aren’t they (so he says, he’s a reliable parrot and she doesn’t deny it).

Is this just something silly she’s said? Should I be worried!? What do I do!? I can’t always be there…she’s generally a normal 7yo, but definitely lacks empathy and isn’t affectionate.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sadpapercourtesan · 25/02/2022 23:23

Just on the basis of that comment, it's hard to say how serious this is. Children do express their deepest darkest feelings in lurid terms sometimes - the words by themselves don't necessarily mean she's any threat to the younger ones.

If this isn't your only concern, however, then it's possible she is struggling with her feelings around the younger children and feeling replaced and insecure. She'll need lots of love, patience and reassurance. Is her father providing this?

You say she lacks empathy and isn't affectionate - has she always been like this? Is she markedly different from her peers? Do her parents feel that there are developmental concerns? There isn't much information to go on in your OP.

Marcipex · 26/02/2022 00:05

I wouldn’t be able to leave her alone with such young children.
I would hide/hover/record though, to see if it was a one-off or if she is quietly terrorising them.
Is it possible another child has said those words to her? And she’s trying them out on someone else?
And where has she learnt such a phrase? She should not, in my opinion, be hearing that sort of thing at all.
But I am afraid you will have to be extremely vigilant, or refuse to take care of her at all. Her father will have to be totally responsible for her when she is with you.
What a sad situation.

Marcipex · 26/02/2022 00:10

What does her father say? Is he shocked?
Do you need a nanny cam to prove that she says these things?

Whaddayuthnk · 26/02/2022 01:52

That's a really nasty thing to say, especially if she says such things only when she feels she won't be heard...

I would agree that she shouldn't be alone with them, not just because of this but also due to the ages of the children. But especially not in this case.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2022 01:55

Her behaviour is not normal or acceptable. I wouldn't even consider leaving her unattended with such young children.

TicTacHoh · 26/02/2022 04:15

I have a SDC like this, go with your gut OP X

StrawberryFever · 26/02/2022 05:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsnotdeep · 26/02/2022 05:35

She's only 7, she's not nasty! She's probably really struggling with her feelings about a new baby. instead of thinking she's going to kill your baby, you and your H should be worried about her .

VashtaNerada · 26/02/2022 05:37

Seven is really young. I wouldn’t leave any seven year old in charge of children that young but I don’t think her comments are particularly worrying. She just sounds like an imaginative little girl. Is there anything else in her behaviour that is causing you to feel this way?

Riseholme · 26/02/2022 05:39

You need to step in OP.
Tell her enough of that nonsense you’ll frighten the little ones.
And keep an eye on her.
She’ll probably grow out of it.

WhenSpringArrives · 26/02/2022 05:55

What did you say to her when you heard her say this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2022 06:40

YANBU.
No, I wouldn’t leave her alone with your children. Seven seems very big but your dsd is very little and any 7 yo could potentially do something really stupid.

You say she lacks empathy. How does she react when she’s being told off or is disciplined in any way?

thanktor · 26/02/2022 06:43

Pause do a moment

If she wasn’t your SD but your biological daughter - would you have the same stance?

If yes, then not unreasonable at all and that is simply your view as a parent and each to their own

If no,then you are being very unreasonable

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 06:53

Will try to answer a few themes!

So she would never be alone as a caregiver of course, just transiently whilst we left the room for some reason. My husband is more likely to do that than I am. Baby always in carrier anyway!

Husband was a bit surprised but she’s the apple of is eye, so he brushed over it. He heard too! We were just in the hallway outside the room. Wouldn’t be constructive to talk to her birth mum about this (or much else I’m afraid- very high conflict).

She has displayed some jealousy before (when I painted toddlers bedroom she lost it- I had done hers a full year prior) and said I only care about the toddler. Very sad (and not true)! Always been standoffish, that’s not a change.

My worry isn’t her scaring him- he’s pretty bombproof. She also talks to him about death more generally, he just says “yes it’s sad when people die” and moves right along. My concern is her hurting them perhaps…she does kick and shove him when he thinks I can’t see. I thought that was normal for age.

Cameras, the two little ones have cameras, maybe I should let them play in toddlers room and see what they get up to.

OP posts:

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 06:54

Oh if she was my bio daughter I would be horrified!

OP posts:

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 06:55

@Mummyoflittledragon

YANBU. No, I wouldn’t leave her alone with your children. Seven seems very big but your dsd is very little and any 7 yo could potentially do something really stupid.

You say she lacks empathy. How does she react when she’s being told off or is disciplined in any way?

She either totally ignores it (as if she’s not heard, but when asks she says she did her). Or she cries and runs away. She’s rarely told enough though (cause she goes home and says I’m dreadful, and her dad just isn’t the telling off type).

OP posts:

OLP2019 · 26/02/2022 06:58

Do you both heard her say this and no one has discussed it with her ?

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 06:58

@WhenSpringArrives

What did you say to her when you heard her say this?

Sorry for the bitty replies I’m Rubbish at this!

I popped my head round the corner and said “not acceptable”. She looked sheepish, I carried on with what I was doing. Husband didn’t do anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 06:59

@OLP2019

Do you both heard her say this and no one has discussed it with her ?

Yes! It was yesterday, I wanted to talk to husband first. I’ve asked him to speak to her today- how does one broach it?

OP posts:

Bajezzeuz · 26/02/2022 07:00

Why didn't you mention that she kicks and shoves him in your first post? That's quite a big thing to not mention straight away?

OLP2019 · 26/02/2022 07:03

If it was your own child and sibling to your youngest what would you do ?

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 07:04

@Bajezzeuz

Why didn't you mention that she kicks and shoves him in your first post? That's quite a big thing to not mention straight away?

Thought it was a no big deal, big sister thing. That’s what everyone tells me. My son is rough with her too…but he does this very much in plain sight for all to see. She waits.

Now you say it like that I’m more worried that it’s relevant. Or maybe it’s absolutely nothing!? Parenting is such an unsettling experience at times!

OP posts:

Original poster

BossyFlossie76 · 26/02/2022 07:07

@OLP2019

If it was your own child and sibling to your youngest what would you do ?

I wipe firstly ask where they heard it, and I would likely be told. Where’s she says I don’t know or I forgot in answer to most questions (we aren’t sure why she does that even if she definitely knows).

I guess my next steps would go from there. If it was something on the tv/internet I would try and remove!?

OP posts:

lucylucyapplejuicy · 26/02/2022 07:10

My 6yo is minecraft mad and often can hear her talking about defeating dragons or killing the bad guys. Her little brother 16 months is often involved (unknowingly to him) in her role play games at time and I've heard her say things similar to him but obviously the tone is that of a noble warrior trying to defeat their enemy so I know it's nothing serious!

HogDogKetchup · 26/02/2022 07:10

She sounds like a psychopath in the making. Keep your kids supervised.

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