AIBU to not want stepdaughter alone with my children

[BossyFlossie76]

I have a newborn and a toddler. I was out of sight and heard my stepdaughter say to my toddler “I am the devil and I will kill you”. She also talks to him about death when we aren’t they (so he says, he’s a reliable parrot and she doesn’t deny it).

Is this just something silly she’s said? Should I be worried!? What do I do!? I can’t always be there…she’s generally a normal 7yo, but definitely lacks empathy and isn’t affectionate.

@Bajezzeuz

Simply stopping her being alone isnt helpful to anyone.

OP is a step parent with very little influence, she can’t take control of her SD’s parenting. It’s important to recognise that and advise within her obvious limitations.

@KindlyKanga

Simply stopping her being alone isnt helpful to anyone. it will protect the DC I think that's helpful.

Yes simply stopping isnt helpful. A short term solution whilst figuring out what is going on is fine. But in the longer term it is a solution that while it might protect the DC (and from what - if you dont get help or look into it you dont know what you are protecting the DC from, there is every chance this is a 7 year old girl who is struggling with everything going on at the moment) from some behaviour it is also going to negatively impact their relationship with their half sibling

In the short term yes stop them being alone. But that should be alongside looking into exactly what is going on. And if the father doesnt want to get on board - well it says a lot about the father.

OP I would speak to him because your plan of what to do if it were your child is actually a pretty good one. Separating out the 7 year old from the toddler and baby whilst doing so is also fine (and would be even if she was yours) whilst encouraging good intention when you are there. Once both of you have spoken to her (and make sure it calm and non confrontational) things such as her father contacting the school and accessing further help may also be needed

Once both of you have spoken to her (and make sure it calm and non confrontational) I am genuinely wondering why you think it needs both if them to talk to her. And why it can't be confrontational? At 7 wouldn't a telling off be effective? I don't know so am genuinely asking. If this was the teen DSC in my life I would think nothing of telling her off but I am wondering if that is the wrong approach.

Imo you need to step back in and get telling her off!! Your dc need to feel safe. Your dsd needs boundaries. If her df won't give them then you must. She will have more respect for you if you are parenting from the same sheet all the dc under your roof...
Previously my dsd was the middle dc between my 2 dd's. Her df was a sap also... Rules applied to all 3 in our house.y own ds thrived on rules and pushing boundaries.
He was testing if I was telling the truth when I threatened a punishment.. Always carried it out. Your dsd will gain stability from you treating her the same as your own dc. Under your roof surely that's what should happen? Not you +your (joint /own) dc versus dh and his?

Husband has chatted with her. There’s a devil in a game on the tablet at mums. Toco world? He focused on the devil part of the sentence, not the kill part. He’s going back again now.

My husband and stepdaughter have a lot of one on one time, I do make sure of it. Sent them on a lovely city break to Europe recently so she felt special! Solo hobbies. Lots of stuff, honestly.

Yes I do often get the wicked stepmother vibe on mumsnet!

@HogDogKetchup

Simply stopping her being alone isnt helpful to anyone.

OP is a step parent with very little influence, she can’t take control of her SD’s parenting. It’s important to recognise that and advise within her obvious limitations.

Very little influence?

This is happening in her home.

Whether it’s a SC, you own child, your grandmother or next door neighbour

You have influence in your own home re how people talk to your children

Yes I thought they’d be a reason like that

Yes.

But not over their parenting or their access to therapy or whether they are acting out of the consequence of trauma.

IME of blended families Dad does what Mum says. Dad might have some parental sway but step mums have none.

So my point is OP can only manage it in her home.

Ah I understand

In any event - concern about psychopath in the making seems less likely given the update!

When you talk about boundaries and consequences what do you mean?

Discipline comes from the root disciple - it’s about learning and teaching.

You can have strong boundaries for every without having to resort to punishments.

It might be beneficial for you and your dh to explore these things together and try and find a common ground. The ideal is to have good boundaries with lots of warmth and love but having one parent do the warmth and the other do the boundaries is disastrous.

And maybe take a look at child development too. There are lots of resources online. 7 is still very little and psychologising her behaviour isn’t going to be helpful.

She's at an age where they are spiteful. I don't think it necessarily means she is a psychopath. Yes ok she doesn't show much empathy but kids this age are notoriously selfish. It's a normal stage of development.

My niece and nephew have recently become big brother and sister to twin babies. They love them so much and God help any bully who ever tries to target them but they can be spiteful as fuck to them.

They've been caught shoving or kicking them over when they're learning to walk, taking food off them and throwing it at them, deliberately putting toys out of their reach.

It's just a phase all children go through, all you can do is discipline firmly and reiterate that it isn't acceptable behaviour.

She's at an age where they are spiteful. I don't think it necessarily means she is a psychopath. Yes ok she doesn't show much empathy but kids this age are notoriously selfish. It's a normal stage of development.

I don’t recognise any of this with my own children, step children or their friends. But more importantly, if they show this behaviour, surely they need guiding away from it.

OP, if your DH is not going to take this seriously then you need to step in and set/enforce boundaries.

My daughter was 5 when she said she would kill me because I had done something she didn't like. She knows you kill bad guys in games, or that in films the bad guy sometimes is killed, she was angry with me, she wanted to lash out, she said it. I told her it was unacceptable, she has never said it to me again. Children are trying to learn how to deal with emotions, some adults find this difficult, it is even harder for children.

I really upset my little sister by holding a pair of scissors and threatening to cut up her soft toys, and after we went to see coraline, I went home and put buttons on my eyes and pretended I wasn't really me, purposely to scare her.

Truth was I was jealous of her and didn't know how to cope with it reasonably.

Does she play or watch or read any poppy's play time ? Five nights at Freddies undertale ect ? Some even minecraft streamers use this type of language usually in a pretty light hearted way but still. Has she got siblings at mums house ?

You should leave her 'alone' with them do she thinks she's alone, but listen in. I'm afraid you do need to and it's the only way to know if she could hurt them. Or use a nanny cam.

You need peace of mind.

@thanktor

Pause do a moment

If she wasn’t your SD but your biological daughter - would you have the same stance?

If yes, then not unreasonable at all and that is simply your view as a parent and each to their own

If no,then you are being very unreasonable

This is a ridiculous thing to say, people's utter obsession with this principle is not a reason to take risks around a child that, as their non parent, you may not know well enough to trust. You don't have to risk your children's safety because some people bristle at any mention you don't see SC as your own.

Physical violence is not normal, acceptable behaviour from a 7 year old, she isn't a toddler. I would avoid leaving them alone and also stop making excuses for this sort of behaviour.

The op has known he child since she was 2

I think asking yourself if you’d respond to a misdemeanour in same way as your own child - is the best way

You think differently

I know which family i would like o be part of as a SC

Hint. It wouldn’t be one with your stance

@thanktor

The op has known he child since she was 2

I think asking yourself if you’d respond to a misdemeanour in same way as your own child - is the best way

You think differently

I know which family i would like o be part of as a SC

Hint. It wouldn’t be one with your stance

Some comfort that will be if she acrually is violent towards the small child, or continues to be by the sounds of it.

At least the SC gets to be in the ideal kind of family 🙄

Sometimes that is simply not the most important consideration and it is not "very unreasonable" to prioritise the safety of your small children over this principle.

Fine not to leave the child alone with them

My point is - as long as you can truthfully say you’d do the same with you bio 7 year old

Nope. I'd absolutely refuse to leave her alone quite my DC. That's not normal 7yo speak

I would say YANBU - unless you usually expect him to do the same thing?