AIBU to not want stepdaughter alone with my children

[BossyFlossie76]

I have a newborn and a toddler. I was out of sight and heard my stepdaughter say to my toddler “I am the devil and I will kill you”. She also talks to him about death when we aren’t they (so he says, he’s a reliable parrot and she doesn’t deny it).

Is this just something silly she’s said? Should I be worried!? What do I do!? I can’t always be there…she’s generally a normal 7yo, but definitely lacks empathy and isn’t affectionate.

Are you saying her mum is high conflict and your dp shies away from conflict and says nothing? Or does he argue with her if given a chance?

You also say your dp is overly permissive with your dsd. Doesn’t sound as if she’s getting any decent role models or any decent grounding. Children are future adults. My dd is 13, she’s big and strong. Most children grow a lot in year 6 and by year 7, any parental grip and influence on children is loosening.

You say she cries or ignores any attempt to discipline her. So she does show emotions with you, which is good. She sounds pretty mixed up.

I think you need to keep doing what you’re doing. And not be afraid to discipline her. You’re protecting two much smaller children. Moreover you’re protecting your dsd and trying to give her some kind of grounding. Children, who aren’t given boundaries feel very unsafe.

Absolutely not. I don't leave my child alone with my DSC after I've seen how they treat each other. No way am I leaving DC with them. They are nasty to each other.

How long have you know this little girl for OP? She's 7 and you have a toddler and a newborn. How long have you been a part of her life?

I'm going to be absolutely honest and say somthings amiss here with YOUR behaviour

You've drip fed about her hurting your child after not having much of a response about her saying things to him, you say shes the Apple of her dad's eye and doesn't get told off, none of you had a conversation with her when she said those things. It's all a bit weird isnt it

@HogDogKetchup

She sounds like a psychopath in the making. Keep your kids supervised.

I was thinking this, hence my questions. But she’s showing remorse. Sheepish looks, crying when disciplined.

She is showing potential tendencies. However, it doesn’t seem as cut and dried. Obviously this is all arm chair.

HogDogKetchup
She sounds like a psychopath in the making. Keep your kids supervised.
I was thinking this, hence my questions. But she’s showing remorse. Sheepish looks, crying when disciplined.

She is showing potential tendencies. However, it doesn’t seem as cut and dried. Obviously this is all arm chair.

You should also look out for how she is with your pets

@Bajezzeuz

How long have you know this little girl for OP? She's 7 and you have a toddler and a newborn. How long have you been a part of her life?

I'm going to be absolutely honest and say somthings amiss here with YOUR behaviour

You've drip fed about her hurting your child after not having much of a response about her saying things to him, you say shes the Apple of her dad's eye and doesn't get told off, none of you had a conversation with her when she said those things. It's all a bit weird isnt it

I’ve known her since she was 2.

I wouldn’t say drip fed, just very much new to those kind of forum (and the kicking and shoving never felt hugely problematic), and I’m not sure what you mean about not much of a response? Response where!? There have been lots of different reposes!

This was before bed last night, there hasn’t been a moment to have a private conversation with her. I said it was in appropriate straight away, and then wanted to give it more consideration. Hence this post! This is a new situation to us. She’s just woken up and it’ll happen shortly, that’s that.

I will address the telling off in another reply, that’s complicated- but ultimately I’ve stepped away from the “telling off” role and my husband is just a really gentle man.

But if you can tell me exactly what the matter with MY behaviour is- I will try and improve!

@Mummyoflittledragon

Are you saying her mum is high conflict and your dp shies away from conflict and says nothing? Or does he argue with her if given a chance?

You also say your dp is overly permissive with your dsd. Doesn’t sound as if she’s getting any decent role models or any decent grounding. Children are future adults. My dd is 13, she’s big and strong. Most children grow a lot in year 6 and by year 7, any parental grip and influence on children is loosening.

You say she cries or ignores any attempt to discipline her. So she does show emotions with you, which is good. She sounds pretty mixed up.

I think you need to keep doing what you’re doing. And not be afraid to discipline her. You’re protecting two much smaller children. Moreover you’re protecting your dsd and trying to give her some kind of grounding. Children, who aren’t given boundaries feel very unsafe.

Yes he does shy away from hard discussions the mother, which I used to find very frustrating, until the full picture of her actually being quite abusive to him over a few years, and until quite recently. There wouldn’t be a row, I have never seen hun row with anyone.

I’ve had to block her from communicating directly with me.

This is complex and there is a court order in place, which is a positive step.

I am without doubt the stricter parent. I used to have the same stance with my stepdaughter. Her mum told us that she hated it, and dreaded coming because I’m so strict. So I just stepped off. I didn’t want to make her not want to be here. I try to encourage my husband to take the lead- but it just isn’t his character! She gets tons of love and support from him (all the babies do), so I just don’t know how best to handle all that. My Stepmum didn’t really care about me, I care deeply about her and I don’t want to fuck it up.

Anyway- the original issue is that she said something weird, and I don’t know how worried to be. I’m hoping my husband will step up and chat to her, and best case she’ll say she saw it on tv, but she will likely just say she doesn’t know!

Yes of course - if I was OP my first concern would be to supervise my children with her. In reality as a step parent OP will have very little sway over how to manage her SD or her parenting, it sounds like Dad has very little influence so OP will have even less. So OP should concentrate on what she does have control over - the time SD spends with her children.

Also someone mentioned pets! I also thought this…she doesn’t care much about seeing animals in general (not in a bad way just not her thing), but she’s very nice to the cats at both houses.

I think jealously can be a huge issue between step/biological children. Our dad went through a phase of hitting very young dd when I left a room (caught in cam after I suspected), hiding small round objects on the floor where crawling ds could find them, telling dd horrific things in whispers etc.

Recognise it for what it is, a child’s insecurity, rage at perceived injustices and jealousy.

What worked for us was a combination of love bombing and strictness. Sounds weird I know! I gave dsd extra attention but was very clear that ANY family member who tried to hurt another one would be in serious trouble. I just kept reiterating that we were a family, and a family looks after each other and protects each other.

I understand that the discipline of his child is his responsibility but when she is threatening your child I think that is when you step in. If it was anyone else you wouldn't let them treat your child like that.

@BossyFlossie76

Oh if she was my bio daughter I would be horrified!

So as long as your response in same - whatever that may be Then not unreasonable at all

@HogDogKetchup

She sounds like a psychopath in the making. Keep your kids supervised.

I have a clear recollection of having my little sister in a headlock pinned against the bathroom door saying that I wished she was dead

I was 11

I was maid of honour at my sister’s wedding, she was present at birth of my two children and we are going on holiday together in 3 weeks.
I can assure you- I’m not a psychopath

I was a child. My brain was developing.

@Alisae

I think jealously can be a huge issue between step/biological children. Our dad went through a phase of hitting very young dd when I left a room (caught in cam after I suspected), hiding small round objects on the floor where crawling ds could find them, telling dd horrific things in whispers etc.

Recognise it for what it is, a child’s insecurity, rage at perceived injustices and jealousy.

What worked for us was a combination of love bombing and strictness. Sounds weird I know! I gave dsd extra attention but was very clear that ANY family member who tried to hurt another one would be in serious trouble. I just kept reiterating that we were a family, and a family looks after each other and protects each other.

Thank you, that’s a really helpful response!

I had similar experiences with brother. He’s not a psychopath either and we get on well now but my parents weren’t able to leave us alone whilst we were younger.

My above response was to @thanktor my quote function seems defunct today!

@HogDogKetchup

I had similar experiences with brother. He’s not a psychopath either and we get on well now but my parents weren’t able to leave us alone whilst we were younger.

Well then why say that this 7 year old is a psychopath in the making?

I have a clear recollection of having my little sister in a headlock pinned against the bathroom door saying that I wished she was dead that's so nasty! I never did anything like that with my sister. Did your parents leave you alone together? Is this really normal? DSC1 often calls DSC2 names it's horrible and then she does sneaky things like pinching her food and stationary and stuff and she says no but is never listened to. I hate it. I'm never leaving them alone with DC ever.

You wouldn't accept that behaviour from an adult so don't accept it from a kid or they'll think it's ok

Because she sounds like she has the potential to be one. Whether she is or she isn’t, right now she should be supervised around the children. Why are you querying that?

There is nothing here to suggest the child is a psychopath! Both my DC went through phases of talking about death. My now very empathetic and caring teen used to freak me out by how much she loved death and destruction when she was about that age.

I'd worry about DSD for her own sake, too. She must have been through hell. I've recently encountered a child whose thought about death at 7 evolved into a suicide attempt at 12.

Please don't just discipline, be warm with her, and try to get her some help. Play therapy?

@MaltyChrome

I have a clear recollection of having my little sister in a headlock pinned against the bathroom door saying that I wished she was dead that's so nasty! I never did anything like that with my sister. Did your parents leave you alone together? Is this really normal? DSC1 often calls DSC2 names it's horrible and then she does sneaky things like pinching her food and stationary and stuff and she says no but is never listened to. I hate it. I'm never leaving them alone with DC ever.

I know… it’s horrific!

She admitted the next day she’s wiped the inside of the toilet with my toothbrush as revenge!

I’m about the jump in shower to get ready to meet her for a run and then breakfast… so we came out the one side!

@VashtaNerada

There is nothing here to suggest the child is a psychopath! Both my DC went through phases of talking about death. My now very empathetic and caring teen used to freak me out by how much she loved death and destruction when she was about that age.

Well that’s good then.

Leave the child who makes threats against young, vulnerable childrens lives to crack on.

@MaltyChrome

I have a clear recollection of having my little sister in a headlock pinned against the bathroom door saying that I wished she was dead that's so nasty! I never did anything like that with my sister. Did your parents leave you alone together? Is this really normal? DSC1 often calls DSC2 names it's horrible and then she does sneaky things like pinching her food and stationary and stuff and she says no but is never listened to. I hate it. I'm never leaving them alone with DC ever.

You’re never going to leave your DC alone together?