AIBU to not want stepdaughter alone with my children

[BossyFlossie76]

I have a newborn and a toddler. I was out of sight and heard my stepdaughter say to my toddler “I am the devil and I will kill you”. She also talks to him about death when we aren’t they (so he says, he’s a reliable parrot and she doesn’t deny it).

Is this just something silly she’s said? Should I be worried!? What do I do!? I can’t always be there…she’s generally a normal 7yo, but definitely lacks empathy and isn’t affectionate.

@VashtaNerada

There is nothing here to suggest the child is a psychopath! Both my DC went through phases of talking about death. My now very empathetic and caring teen used to freak me out by how much she loved death and destruction when she was about that age.

Doesn't matter if she is a psychopath or not she can't be allowed unsupervised access with a younger child. She's kicking and whispering evil stuff. It's no good waiting until it's too late.

Siblings working things out
Without interference from parents
Is so important I think
Sometimes I listen at door to an argument between my children. It can get heated, very heated!! By most of the time… fizzles out and resolve itself
And two mins later, they’re giggling uncontrollably together

You’re never going to leave your DC alone together? I'm never going to leave my DC alone with my DSC no. I only have one DC. If I had 2 DC who were beating each other up then no I would do my best to not leave them alone together. It's not fair on the one who comes out worse off.

This is a little girl who has had a lot of changes in the past 5 years. Parents split, dad new partner and new siblings. She's still really really little. I think she could do with help to articulate how she feels about new siblings. Especially if things difficult at her mum's she probably feels like she's losing her dad to a new family. Could she have some time with dad to talk through her worries? Or maybe get some feelings books she can use?
I have a ND 9 yr old who would occasionally blurt out things like this without knowing what it actually means. Your DSD won't actually understand the weight of her words.
Sorry but to me she sounds like a very worried mixed up little girl. Good luck.

@thanktor

Siblings working things out Without interference from parents Is so important I think Sometimes I listen at door to an argument between my children. It can get heated, very heated!! By most of the time… fizzles out and resolve itself And two mins later, they’re giggling uncontrollably together

That's fine but not when violence and threats to kill are involved.

* and best case she’ll say she saw it on tv, but she will likely just say she doesn’t know*

That is presuming she even remembers

Her brain at that age is developing at a phenomenal rate and like a sponge

She’s thinking about what game to play next, her favourite sweetie, whether she’ll be allowed to watch some TV, her favourite colour, her socks are itchy, she wishes she had her doll from home with her etc etc

I would be worried. Rough and tumble when you are there is one thing, but deliberately waiting until you have left the room to hurt your child or say something threatening is quite dark. I would say at 7 she is old enough to be aware of what she is doing. It will be jealousy, but it might be worth speaking to someone at school.
Your dh needs to discipline her, its unfair on your dsd not to be given boundaries.

@MaltyChrome
I was responding to a pp

Also the lack of knowledge on child development by some posters on this thread is shocking. It's is very normal for children to talk about very macabre stuff without meaning they will become psychopaths. They are processing things they don't understand. This child may also be showing signs of trauma. Trauma does not need to be physical abuse but may be a multitude of changes to her stability which she is struggling to handle and is simply expressing this. She is 7 years old, her behaviour is trying to tell you something.

@MaltyChrome

You’re never going to leave your DC alone together? I'm never going to leave my DC alone with my DSC no. I only have one DC. If I had 2 DC who were beating each other up then no I would do my best to not leave them alone together. It's not fair on the one who comes out worse off.

What does your SC do to your child?

@HogDogKetchup

Because she sounds like she has the potential to be one. Whether she is or she isn’t, right now she should be supervised around the children. Why are you querying that?

I’m querying you saying this 7 year old is “a psychopath in the making”

NOT the OP taking the sensible steps to ensure the child isn’t left alone with two much younger children

What does your SC do to your child? ignores them when they try to talk to them. Takes her toys off her when she's playing with them. Takes photos and uses filters to make them look scary/stupid. All stuff I have caught them doing. I am not risking leaving them one to find out. After the way she treats her sister I'm not risking her being alone with with the little one.

@Fashionesta

Also the lack of knowledge on child development by some posters on this thread is shocking. It's is very normal for children to talk about very macabre stuff without meaning they will become psychopaths. They are processing things they don't understand. This child may also be showing signs of trauma. Trauma does not need to be physical abuse but may be a multitude of changes to her stability which she is struggling to handle and is simply expressing this. She is 7 years old, her behaviour is trying to tell you something.

Maybe but OP still shouldn't leave them around her child unattended.

@MaltyChrome

What does your SC do to your child? ignores them when they try to talk to them. Takes her toys off her when she's playing with them. Takes photos and uses filters to make them look scary/stupid. All stuff I have caught them doing. I am not risking leaving them one to find out. After the way she treats her sister I'm not risking her being alone with with the little one.

Out of interest how old are the children?

Going against the grain here, but I do think a lot of this could be normal. It’s not unusual for kids games and imaginative play to have a dark side, and this comment as a one off wouldn’t worry me. I’ve got 4dc aged 8, 10, 14 and 16. The younger 3 have all made similar “jokes”/ comments at some point. All 3 are normal, caring, compassionate people. I suppose for me the worrying bit would be if, on discussion, they couldn’t understand or didn’t care that these comments could upset/ scare someone. You need to have that discussion. But, given your toddler wasn’t upset/ scared it could be she’s just judged her audience as well as a 7 year old can without guidance.
The pushing/ shoving (if in the context of normal play/ bickering rather than a plain desire to hurt/ upset) I’d also say was normal.
I do think, though, you need to avoid shying away from conversations about the consequences of her actions.

@Howmanysleepsnow

Going against the grain here, but I do think a lot of this could be normal. It’s not unusual for kids games and imaginative play to have a dark side, and this comment as a one off wouldn’t worry me. I’ve got 4dc aged 8, 10, 14 and 16. The younger 3 have all made similar “jokes”/ comments at some point. All 3 are normal, caring, compassionate people. I suppose for me the worrying bit would be if, on discussion, they couldn’t understand or didn’t care that these comments could upset/ scare someone. You need to have that discussion. But, given your toddler wasn’t upset/ scared it could be she’s just judged her audience as well as a 7 year old can without guidance. The pushing/ shoving (if in the context of normal play/ bickering rather than a plain desire to hurt/ upset) I’d also say was normal. I do think, though, you need to avoid shying away from conversations about the consequences of her actions.

Thank you, I think I came here hoping for some of this type of reaction as reassurance!

It’s tough to come in hard with consequences and boundaries when it makes our house look less appealing- but I do understand that it’s important.

It’s tough to come in hard with consequences and boundaries when it makes our house look less appealing- but I do understand that it’s important. I don't think that is a helpful way of looking at it it's not a competition between houses. If they just lived with you the whole time you would come down on this behaviour hard so you should even if they are only there part the time. It does no one any favours to try and make your house more appealing etc.its not a holiday home it's their home .

Her behaviour may be a normal reaction to feeling insecure but I don’t believe it’s generally normal for a 7yo to hurt and threaten a much younger child. Presumably your DS is 2 or 3?

Kicking, shoving and threatening to kill other children would lead to really serious consequences if a 7yo did these at school, because it’s an unacceptable way to treat others. Same applies in your home.

Her dad needs to step up and have some serious talks with her about behaviour and what is behind it. This may not change things overnight but doing nothing could set her up for bigger problems. Explain to him that he’s helping her by setting boundaries, discussing these things, and setting consequences.

Also, tons of reassurance and 1:1 time for two of them, with all sorts of Daddy and DSD big girl activities - board games, bowling, hot chocolate in the park, movie at home etc.

Typical posters on mumsnet slamming the step parent saying there must be something wrong with their behaviour for child to be acting the way they are step kids can do no wrong on mumsnet op. People seem to forget James bulger was murdered and tortured by two ten year old boys but I’m sure mumsnet would have a great argument for how it wasn’t their fault at all.

@Potterurotter

Typical posters on mumsnet slamming the step parent saying there must be something wrong with their behaviour for child to be acting the way they are step kids can do no wrong on mumsnet op. People seem to forget James bulger was murdered and tortured by two ten year old boys but I’m sure mumsnet would have a great argument for how it wasn’t their fault at all.

Who said that?

You need to talk to her (or her Dad does) because she may well need help processing stuff - is she for example aware of what is going on at the moment (she is at school so may well be watching Newsround etc) and is struggling to process that alongside processing all the changes that are going on in her life.

Simply stopping her being alone isnt helpful to anyone.

Speaking to the school as well (in the approach she needs help) and they should have some ELSA support that she can access

Simply stopping her being alone isnt helpful to anyone. it will protect the DC I think that's helpful.

I would say those aged hearing distance anyway. But it sound like dsd is struggling so dh needs to talk to her maybe have some quality time with her just the two of them he also needs boundaries in place so she feels secure

Ive got a lovely 6yr old and a 18m old and I wouldnt leave them alone. Because 6 year old cant have responsibility for baby hitting her head etc and because sometimes she's jealous and takes her toys or she's clumsy with her, spinning her round etc.
Tell sd what you heard and say it isnt kind and death convo not appropriate for their age and then don't leave them alone.

Thats not normal and frankly quite disturbing. I'd be keeping a very close eye on her.