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Original poster

Had enough of Disney DP and DSD

133 replies

Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 09:17

Posting as I'm at my wits end with the situation and ready to throw in the towel. Been with DP for 6 years, all moved in together 2 years ago. Things have been bumpy at times, although Covid hasn't helped, but on the whole things have been good.

The biggest problem is DSD12. We have 3 kids between us, her, my DD11 and his other DD10. His oldest DD goes through phases where she makes it clear she doesn't like me, doesn't want me around and ignores me as much as possible. It used to bother me but now I just take a step back and leave her to it. It's not worth the argument, she's very much the golden child for DP, who never sees anything she does as wrong and won't discipline her or actually parent her. I should probably add that I wasn't around when DP and his ex split, so have no history in their breakup.

Things have come to a head this half term. DSD has a violent streak, which DP is aware of but again has never tackled. I went out to pick up dinner and when the kids went to bed, my DD was upset about something. She said DSD punched her in the shoulder while I was out, but she didn't tell DP because he wouldn't believe her (her words) and because DSD told her she was a snitch if she did. She cried and now has a bruise.

There is form for this, DSD has hit out before but does it when the adults aren't around And as DP ignores it (and gets shitty if I try to discipline) she gets away with it. There is also form when my DD has told DP and me she's been hit and he makes excuses. DSD also hits her sister DSD10 and gets away with that too.

To further complicate things, I have a high conflict ex who takes me to court at the drop of a hat to try to remove custody of DD (last year it was twice, the second time he accused DP of attacking me which isnt true). So if my ex finds out DSD has hit DD he would happily use that as an excuse to withhold her from me if he can.

I tried to speak to DP about what had happened, in a way that was non accusatory as I knew he wouldn't like it, and he blew it at me anyway. Accused me of hounding DSD, who apparently is having a tough time at school and failing classes (this was the first I'd heard of this) and flipped it on its head like it was all my fault.

I'm so upset. We havnt spoken for two days except for him to have a go at me again yesterday that I was ruining his time off work and time with his kids. DSD is visibly happy that there's been a row, and has taken my spot next to her dad at all times, which he thinks is nice as 'she sees that daddy is upset'.

I cant take it anymore. I have my own home that is currently rented out and the tenancy is ending soon, so I could move back home with DD and remove us from this. I love DP but this isn't working and I don't see a way to make it better. There are so many things wrong here and I feel so down. Does anyone have any advice please?

OP posts:
BobLemon · 25/02/2022 11:38

Rightly or wrongly, he has put his DSD before you.

By taking no action (I know you spoke to him, but his position is that there is no problem [that is affecting your DD]… accepting his position could be seen by your DD as no action) you are also effectively putting his DSD before your DD.

So you’ve done the right thing to contact the agent and plan to move back home. You’ve put your DD first. It might be hard and maybe it’ll be the end of the relationship (not necessarily, but maybe) but you’ve done absolutely the right thing. Flowers

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 11:39

Do you have any spare money OP, just wondering if you could book a few nights away on the eow with just you and dd until you move out. If you're not telling your stbx you could frame it as dd needing one on one time with you. Even just a travel lodge 40 minutes away somewhere and have a nice day trip out or a premier Inn with a swimming pool type of place.

BobLemon · 25/02/2022 11:41

Just saw your update re not continuing the relationship. That sounds wise. I don’t know if you’re managing it IRL, but you sound really calm and collected. Good work Flowers

Original poster
Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 11:48

Believe me I don't feel very calm and collected! I'm a bit teary but holding it together. Sadly this is not the first time I've had to make the decision to leave a relationship due to physical violence (although last time it was my husband's violence towards me).

I don't have spare money for hotels etc but I do have family 300 miles away I can visit. I do worry about our belongings in the house though while we're not there.

I have spoken to DD at length about what DSD did to her being wrong, and that I will handle this, but not more than that. Not at this stage anyway.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 25/02/2022 11:49

Move back to your home with you daughter. Your kid comes first. He's lost you. That's it. How dare he shout at you for trying to protect your daughter.

Jvg33 · 25/02/2022 11:51

@Greyskiesaregonnaclearup

Believe me I don't feel very calm and collected! I'm a bit teary but holding it together. Sadly this is not the first time I've had to make the decision to leave a relationship due to physical violence (although last time it was my husband's violence towards me).

I don't have spare money for hotels etc but I do have family 300 miles away I can visit. I do worry about our belongings in the house though while we're not there.

I have spoken to DD at length about what DSD did to her being wrong, and that I will handle this, but not more than that. Not at this stage anyway.

You need to leave. Get a temporary storage unit or as a friend/relative if you can leave your stuff in their garage. Your daughter is physically not safe there.
ChaToilLeam · 25/02/2022 11:56

You are right to leave, OP. Your DP is doing nobody any favours and your DD needs you to protect her. Disney Dads are such spineless creatures.

Get a storage unit if need be so you can be out of there as quickly as possible. It was wise to keep your own place, hope you can be back there soon.

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 12:01

I hope you do manage to leave OP and he doesn't talk you round. It really does sound emotionally abusive tbh. He shouts at you when you have tried your hardest to talk to him reasonably, he uses his dd against you, tries to change your perception of your reality. Glad you're getting out of it, keep hold of your reality. I know it took me months to leave once I escaped the fog as I kept being sucked back in.

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/02/2022 12:10

If you think you might contact the police then you need evidence - take photos and make sure your DD face is visible - ask her to write a statement in pen that is dated and includes time date where when why it all happened.

Even if you keep it for later

Start gathering things, sell things you don’t need, tell DP you’re doing a clear out and box up some important stuff, passports, bank statements and such like.

When you have a date arrange a van and just go - I wouldn’t give him c hence to talk you round because he’ll be losing way more than you will and he won’t like it.

gamerchick · 25/02/2022 12:14

You've answered your own question. Go home and remove your child from this miserable situation.

QuirkyStick · 25/02/2022 12:14

@Greyskiesaregonnaclearup if you want to report it I would recommend taking a date stamped photo of the bruise and recording in a date and time-stamped format (i.e: a text or email) what happened and when

EatSleepReplete · 25/02/2022 12:19

I would start getting the wheels in motion to leave OP. Paperwork, sort out your & DD’s clothes & other belongings under the guise of decluttering, etc. Make sure you have sorted out terminating the tenancy on your house & get any furniture ordered you may need, ready to be delivered when you move in. Financial stuff, if necessary get a second email address set up & get statements etc sent electronically, make sure the bank are aware it’s a relationship breakdown situation & that they need to not send anything to your current address. Temporary storage unit for any items you feel you can discreetly move from the house & won’t need for a while.
Make a list of people & organisations you will need to notify of your change of address/separation. Make sure all of this is kept on a password protected document where he can’t find it.

Original poster
Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 12:19

Thanks for the points about photos etc, I've done these with DD already today.

I don't have money for a storage unit (the entire contents of my house was moved from mine to here) but I keep important documents locked away from everyone anyway.

OP posts:
MrsWinters · 25/02/2022 12:20

You’re so brave. Well done xx

bluebell34567 · 25/02/2022 12:20

[quote QuirkyStick]@Greyskiesaregonnaclearup if you want to report it I would recommend taking a date stamped photo of the bruise and recording in a date and time-stamped format (i.e: a text or email) what happened and when[/quote]
so true.

Throwmealifejacket · 25/02/2022 12:20

I’m glad you’ve decided to leave. I have a similar although not identical problem with a SD who is a bully to her peers, her parents and to me. It’s never got better and she’s an adult now. DH had a similar attitude to your DP. I have taken matters into my own hands and distanced from her. I didn’t have children for her to bully so I imagine that is a million times harder. Good luck.

brainhurts · 25/02/2022 12:21

You need to move back , your DD is being bullied in her own home . Move back for the sake of your DD

brainhurts · 25/02/2022 12:25

Sorry only just read you are planning to move back. You have made the right decision. I hope everything goes well for you .

jobobpip08 · 25/02/2022 12:25

I'm so sorry you're in this position. www.injurycapture.com/ has an app, hope it might help.

"Use the Injury Capture app to record and securely store legally admissible forensic evidence in just a few taps. It’s up to you, if and when, you choose to formally report the crime and submit the evidence to the police.
But whether you choose to submit the evidence you capture with this app, today, tomorrow or in a few years time, it will be evidentially admissible and able to support a swift investigation and hopefully prosecution.
When you’re feeling ready to say something, protection, safety and justice are just a few taps away."

bluebell34567 · 25/02/2022 12:26

take the pictures of your belongings at home op.

purpleboy · 25/02/2022 12:29

Have you looked into the cost of storage op? It's not as expensive as you might think.
Sorry your dealing with this, it's shit for everyone involved.

Campervangirl · 25/02/2022 12:35

This is the time to keep your cards close to your chest, say nothing to DP, get a moving date and book a van and leave while he's out.
No need to tell him, if your DD is in danger, go for a "holiday" to visit your family.
You're doing the right thing ❤️

MichelleScarn · 25/02/2022 12:44

Has 'd'P ever had cause to have keys to your other property? Maybe also look at changing the locks?

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 12:47

Arrange to move when he's at work and doesn't know so you can take back your belongings. Fuck him, take everything you brought into that house.

LauraLoo91 · 25/02/2022 12:51

Move, take your child.

He sounds like an absolute arse, and also sounds like the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. She learnt that huffing and throwing your toys out of the pram works..... and she learnt it from him. His behaviour is childish, immature and down right careless.

Your daughter does not need to be in this environment. She should be your number one priority here.