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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Had enough of Disney DP and DSD

133 replies

Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 09:17

Posting as I'm at my wits end with the situation and ready to throw in the towel. Been with DP for 6 years, all moved in together 2 years ago. Things have been bumpy at times, although Covid hasn't helped, but on the whole things have been good.

The biggest problem is DSD12. We have 3 kids between us, her, my DD11 and his other DD10. His oldest DD goes through phases where she makes it clear she doesn't like me, doesn't want me around and ignores me as much as possible. It used to bother me but now I just take a step back and leave her to it. It's not worth the argument, she's very much the golden child for DP, who never sees anything she does as wrong and won't discipline her or actually parent her. I should probably add that I wasn't around when DP and his ex split, so have no history in their breakup.

Things have come to a head this half term. DSD has a violent streak, which DP is aware of but again has never tackled. I went out to pick up dinner and when the kids went to bed, my DD was upset about something. She said DSD punched her in the shoulder while I was out, but she didn't tell DP because he wouldn't believe her (her words) and because DSD told her she was a snitch if she did. She cried and now has a bruise.

There is form for this, DSD has hit out before but does it when the adults aren't around And as DP ignores it (and gets shitty if I try to discipline) she gets away with it. There is also form when my DD has told DP and me she's been hit and he makes excuses. DSD also hits her sister DSD10 and gets away with that too.

To further complicate things, I have a high conflict ex who takes me to court at the drop of a hat to try to remove custody of DD (last year it was twice, the second time he accused DP of attacking me which isnt true). So if my ex finds out DSD has hit DD he would happily use that as an excuse to withhold her from me if he can.

I tried to speak to DP about what had happened, in a way that was non accusatory as I knew he wouldn't like it, and he blew it at me anyway. Accused me of hounding DSD, who apparently is having a tough time at school and failing classes (this was the first I'd heard of this) and flipped it on its head like it was all my fault.

I'm so upset. We havnt spoken for two days except for him to have a go at me again yesterday that I was ruining his time off work and time with his kids. DSD is visibly happy that there's been a row, and has taken my spot next to her dad at all times, which he thinks is nice as 'she sees that daddy is upset'.

I cant take it anymore. I have my own home that is currently rented out and the tenancy is ending soon, so I could move back home with DD and remove us from this. I love DP but this isn't working and I don't see a way to make it better. There are so many things wrong here and I feel so down. Does anyone have any advice please?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 25/02/2022 13:25

Once you know when the tenancy is ending I would arrange a couple days off work and if possible a family or friend to help you.

I wouldn’t say anything (probably not even to your kids) until the day you move out. Do it whilst he’s at work, start early and just keep going back and forward until it’s done. You can sort out everything once it’s at yours.

Bonheurdupasse · 25/02/2022 13:30

OP
Be prepared that your tenants may not want to move.
Try to think of a plan B - even moving in with family, as hard as it would be, would be much better than staying.

SeasonFinale · 25/02/2022 13:33

@Bonheurdupasse

OP Be prepared that your tenants may not want to move. Try to think of a plan B - even moving in with family, as hard as it would be, would be much better than staying.
It is easier to evict people when you are seeking the return of your property to house yourself or a family member so please do not worry too much about this unless and until they refuse to move.
Dollyparton3 · 25/02/2022 13:35

Speaking as someone who has a mega high conflict step daughter this will only get worse over time so there's not really a fix here. I'm that one in a million who has a husband who stood up to his daughter when she was behaving horrendously so that's my only saving Grace.

But when you couple a high conflict step child with a Disney dad you're always going to be a second class citizen I'm afraid. You're doing the right plan in walking away I'm afraid OP

LightfoldEngines · 25/02/2022 13:38

Fuck that OP. You managed to leave an abusive relationship to protect your DD once, you can absolutely do it again - because, really, it is abusive. DD is being attacked in her safe space, and the other parent is not only doing nothing, they are stonewalling and gaslighting you and your DD.

Babadook76 · 25/02/2022 13:39

Thank god you’re doing the right thing op. Your daughter comes first, not that useless excuse for a man and his smug twat of a daughter

Avarua · 25/02/2022 13:39

There going to be fights in ANY house with a 22 year old, an 11 year old and a 10 year old. They fight. They make up.

I'd worry about how unsettling all the adult movements are for them all though. Custody battles, dramas, moving in, moving out.

Avarua · 25/02/2022 13:40

12 year old not 22!

LightfoldEngines · 25/02/2022 13:40

@SeasonFinale incorrect. A S21 no fault eviction is what’s given in these circumstances, and as it’s a fixed term contract, can only be done 2 months prior to the end of it.

However, if the tenants cannot find somewhere else to live in time, they are not obliged to leave and OP will have to apply to court - the only reason it’s ever fast tracked is due to significant rent arrears (which is a S8 eviction anyway) and a few other extreme situations. There are huge back logs right now, area depending.

So don’t give crap and wrong advice.

MMMarmite · 25/02/2022 13:43

I would leave. It sounds dysfunctional. Sadly your dp is not up to the task of parenting in a blended family.

Original poster
Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 13:46

He works from home so moving will need to be carefully organised. I also have no family within 300 miles and no friends with the space for us.

This afternoon is taking a different approach, he's trying to make out that I'm being unreasonable by getting all the kids to play together with him. I'm not fooled.

OP posts:
Avarua · 25/02/2022 13:52

So much drama. One punch from a 12 year old to an 11 year old is not abuse. Kids kind of hate each other; it's normal. They make up as easily as they fight.

It's also normal for step kids to kind of hate step parents and being thrust into living situations with step siblings. Blending families is a big process. You'd have to really want it.

SeasonFinale · 25/02/2022 13:53

[quote LightfoldEngines]@SeasonFinale incorrect. A S21 no fault eviction is what’s given in these circumstances, and as it’s a fixed term contract, can only be done 2 months prior to the end of it.

However, if the tenants cannot find somewhere else to live in time, they are not obliged to leave and OP will have to apply to court - the only reason it’s ever fast tracked is due to significant rent arrears (which is a S8 eviction anyway) and a few other extreme situations. There are huge back logs right now, area depending.

So don’t give crap and wrong advice.[/quote]
I haven't said it is easy - just easier. So not wrong at all as an order would be made. Yes she needs to serve notice etc properly. She has already said that she is contacting her agent to start that ball rolling.

I was answering in respect to the fact that the OP shouldn't start worrying about what ifs at this point! So don't get unnecessarily arsey. Grin

Original poster
Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 13:54

@Avarua

There going to be fights in ANY house with a 22 year old, an 11 year old and a 10 year old. They fight. They make up.

I'd worry about how unsettling all the adult movements are for them all though. Custody battles, dramas, moving in, moving out.

Believe me I want nothing but a quiet life for DD and me. The custody battles are forced on me by my ex, I can't stop him. The drama isn't of my making here either. Of course kids fight, but if it's not being dealt with meaning one kid thinks it's OK to hurt the others with no repercussions, surely that's different?
OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 25/02/2022 13:56

@Avarua what rot, my DDs are a similar age and yes they fall out, but they don’t physically attack each other!

Littlepaws18 · 25/02/2022 14:13

@Avarua you can't whittle down someone's life issues to the word 'drama' op has been to hell and back removing one violent ex partner and now she is faced with an impossible situation completely out of her control. She can't discipline and resolve the situation with her DSD without approval of her partner, her partner has not only made the decision not to resolve the matter but is now blaming her. This isn't a situation that can just be ignored. It will happen again and again and again- which will result in her daughter living a miserable life, ops relationship deteriorating.

Op you are doing exactly the right thing, next time they are around I would move out for that weekend, go and see family with your daughter and keep doing that until you are in a position to move. It's so tough living in limbo but you can do it for the short term.

MeridianB · 25/02/2022 14:16

Well done, OP. You’re showing huge courage here.

And I completely agree that the relationship sounds dead.

Keep your powder dry until you have a place lined up. You don’t owe him anything.

Wishing you and your DD lots of luck with everything. 💐

Sally872 · 25/02/2022 14:20

Good decision OP.

I agree kids fight but the fact she couldn't speak to dp as she knew she wouldn't be believed and that you know he won't correct did on her behaviour is a really toxic dynamic for your dd. Moving and splitting is definitely best.

NorthernSpirit · 25/02/2022 14:24

This is terrible for your poor daughter.

I have a high conflict step daughter (now 16) whose behaviour (driven in by her extremely high conflict mother) got worse over time. From my experience the situation will get worse over time.

I did tackle my SD about her behaviour and her dad initially played lip service. Ultimately there was a police incident (due to her telling lies) and she stopped coming. My OH now realises what had gone on and the severity of it.

You have 3 choices:

  1. She stops coming (when this happened in my case the relief was immense)
  1. Her dad realises the severity of her behaviour and deals with it (with Disney dads it takes something bad to happen for then to realise)
  1. You leave
  1. You put up & shut up (this isn’t an option)

If 3 doesn’t happen, then 4 is a your only option.

Good luck.

Tattler2 · 25/02/2022 17:20

OP, in the 4 years prior to moving in with your partner , did you never have the opportunity to observe and discuss your partner's parenting style, Did both he and his daughter have major personality changes within the 2_years that you have lived together?

In any case, it seems that your parenting styles are not compatible, and 2 of the 3 children involved are not having an easy transition in this process.

You are your partner may have a great romantic compatibility but that may be all that you have. You need not give up your romantic relationship, but it seems as though it is not in the best interests of your respective children that you live together.

Living together should involve considering the needs, interests, and temperaments of all who will be expected to share space.

Fortunately, you have a good fall back option. Moving out does not signal the failure of the relationship. Instead it signals a area of incompatibility that makes living together not an appropriate option at this time.

Throwmealifejacket · 25/02/2022 18:14

@Tattler2 your responses to step parenting situations seem always to be written with the benefit of hindsight and are incredibly judgemental.
Do you have step children? I suspect not.

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/02/2022 18:20

As you’re going to struggle to move I would - wait until the house is ready and tell him the tenants have moved out and you’re going there to redecorate - this gives you time out of the house and you can fill the car with ‘paint brushes’

When you’ve moved a fair bit and got the place clean - ask him to take the SD out for the day on his weekend, say you’ve got tickets somewhere or something so he’s out!

It’s all workable you just need to plan.

woody87 · 25/02/2022 18:32

This whole situation just sounds like a nightmare. Please remove your DD from this situation before you get saddles with years of therapy bills for an older teenager because honestly, this is not a healthy way to live.

Jonny1265 · 25/02/2022 18:43

This is abusive and you have a house. Move back into it and get you and your daughter away from that.

Babadook76 · 25/02/2022 20:18

@Avarua

So much drama. One punch from a 12 year old to an 11 year old is not abuse. Kids kind of hate each other; it's normal. They make up as easily as they fight.

It's also normal for step kids to kind of hate step parents and being thrust into living situations with step siblings. Blending families is a big process. You'd have to really want it.

You seemed to have missed out half the op. It’s not just ‘one punch’.