Page 3 | Had enough of Disney DP and DSD

WouldIwasShookspeared · 25/02/2022 10:29

I am so glad you have decided to put your child first. That is the right decision.

purpleboy · 25/02/2022 10:29

Get out op, your daughter is being abused, if he will not help to protect her, then you must take responsibility for it.
I personally wouldn't want to be in this relationship, but if you do, I would sit and talk to him, tell him you planning on leaving and why, see if he cares enough to try to make changes, you've got to wait a little while before you can move back to your house, so you could take that time to see if any changes could be made, if he doesn't care or changes aren't instant then I would move out immediately and rent until you can get your house back.

boobot1 · 25/02/2022 10:29

Leave

Nomoreusernames1244 · 25/02/2022 10:34

I'd leave, but also report it to the police so that he can't bury his head and create a monster. Think of it as a public service. She is 12, older than the age of criminal responsibility. If her father won't parent her, then the state will have to step in

This. Get social services involved too- you can remove your child but there is also dsd10 that needs safeguarding. Do you get on with her? I’d perhaps tell her that if she ever feels unsafe she can come to you and slip her your phone number.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2022 10:34

@Soubriquet

I think your only option is to leave him

He is picking his daughter (rightly so) over you and you need to protect your own dd.

He does need to punish his dd but he won’t. It will get worse bit better

He’s picking one of his children over the other too. Which isn’t right or okay. He’s failing absolutely everyone.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 25/02/2022 10:38

Leave. You’ve gone from one asshole to another. Get out and be free!

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 10:40

Well done OP for taking steps and seeing it

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/02/2022 10:41

Put simply, advocate for your Dd and take her out of this environment.
She is being hurt and can't tell your dp and can't tell her Dad.

Rosebel · 25/02/2022 10:41

Leave him and protect your child. I feel awfully sorry for his other daughter who will keep being bullied by her sister and dad.
However that's not your priority, your DD is so end that tenancy and move back to your house with your DD.
Personally I'd dump him to but that's your choice. If you stay with him don't let your daughter anywhere near his.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/02/2022 10:43

The kids are all playing nicely this morning as I write this, so it makes you wonder if it actually happened

She ( the DSD12) is probably very aware and trying to kid you that she's being al nicey nicey .
Maybe she is , maybe she's realised that her actions have consequences ?
But in your first post :.

There is form for this, DSD has hit out before but does it when the adults aren't around

You have to trust your gut .

Another vote for Leave Them and make it 100% plain to your DP that you won't have your life and that of your DD ruled by a 12yo , and he (and his Ex wife) really need to take control of her behaviour . But you won't be her fall guy .

TonkinLenkicks · 25/02/2022 10:47

If you stay you are putting DD in a terrible situation that has the potential to escalate. Maybe one day she'll blow hit her back. I'm not saying violence is right but sometimes bully's need a taste of their own medicine. Probably best to remove her from the situation before it gets to that point.

Whaddayuthnk · 25/02/2022 10:53

@Greyskiesaregonnaclearup

Posting as I'm at my wits end with the situation and ready to throw in the towel. Been with DP for 6 years, all moved in together 2 years ago. Things have been bumpy at times, although Covid hasn't helped, but on the whole things have been good.

The biggest problem is DSD12. We have 3 kids between us, her, my DD11 and his other DD10. His oldest DD goes through phases where she makes it clear she doesn't like me, doesn't want me around and ignores me as much as possible. It used to bother me but now I just take a step back and leave her to it. It's not worth the argument, she's very much the golden child for DP, who never sees anything she does as wrong and won't discipline her or actually parent her. I should probably add that I wasn't around when DP and his ex split, so have no history in their breakup.

Things have come to a head this half term. DSD has a violent streak, which DP is aware of but again has never tackled. I went out to pick up dinner and when the kids went to bed, my DD was upset about something. She said DSD punched her in the shoulder while I was out, but she didn't tell DP because he wouldn't believe her (her words) and because DSD told her she was a snitch if she did. She cried and now has a bruise.

There is form for this, DSD has hit out before but does it when the adults aren't around And as DP ignores it (and gets shitty if I try to discipline) she gets away with it. There is also form when my DD has told DP and me she's been hit and he makes excuses. DSD also hits her sister DSD10 and gets away with that too.

To further complicate things, I have a high conflict ex who takes me to court at the drop of a hat to try to remove custody of DD (last year it was twice, the second time he accused DP of attacking me which isnt true). So if my ex finds out DSD has hit DD he would happily use that as an excuse to withhold her from me if he can.

I tried to speak to DP about what had happened, in a way that was non accusatory as I knew he wouldn't like it, and he blew it at me anyway. Accused me of hounding DSD, who apparently is having a tough time at school and failing classes (this was the first I'd heard of this) and flipped it on its head like it was all my fault.

I'm so upset. We havnt spoken for two days except for him to have a go at me again yesterday that I was ruining his time off work and time with his kids. DSD is visibly happy that there's been a row, and has taken my spot next to her dad at all times, which he thinks is nice as 'she sees that daddy is upset'.

I cant take it anymore. I have my own home that is currently rented out and the tenancy is ending soon, so I could move back home with DD and remove us from this. I love DP but this isn't working and I don't see a way to make it better. There are so many things wrong here and I feel so down. Does anyone have any advice please?

Yeah, fuck this situation! Definitely go back home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2022 10:54

I wouldn’t leave your DD with her unsupervised. You know what happens. You know your DD is scared to tell you when she gets hurt. She’s been through enough already.

Chloemol · 25/02/2022 10:57

Move back to your own house ASAP

Lou98 · 25/02/2022 10:59

Glad to see your update OP, it's definitely the best thing for you and your DD.
I feel sorry for his other DD that he never steps in when her big sister hits her but obviously there's nothing you can do about that.

If you were to stay, it's likely your SD would keep hurting your DD as she has seen the row it's caused between you and your Partner but she isn't getting any consequences so it's definitely better for your Daughter to be away from that and somewhere she feels safe

WonderfulYou · 25/02/2022 11:05

Firstly, forget you ex right now. He’s not son in the past and don’t win this time.

Secondly, you moved in during or close to the pandemic. That would have absolutely had a massive impact on all of the children. At a time of uncertainty and so many changes, things should have been kept as normal as possible.

The DSD is an emotional teen who’s dad moved during a pandemic in with two other other children - moving in with other children does have a big impact for kids especially teens.
However violence is not ok and would absolutely be my line.

I’d be explaining to DP that you can see DSD isn’t coping and you both moved in together at the wrong time so you’re going to move out.

Many couples with children work better when they don’t live together. This doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.
You will probably have a stronger relationship with DP and DSD when you’re not all on top of each other.

When you move that has to be it though for a good couple of years as it’s not fair for anyone to keep being pulled in different directions and it will definitely be something your ex could use against you.

EveryAvenue · 25/02/2022 11:08

You need to leave and move back into your rented home ASAP. Is there anywhere you can go before then? Your daughter is being abused. This girl isn’t her sister or a relative, it’s her Mum’s boyfriends daughter. She doesn’t need to go through this.

Georgeskitchen · 25/02/2022 11:10

You risk losing custody of your child because of this man and his violent Child. No contest I'm afraid.
Get out and back into your own home

Bancha · 25/02/2022 11:13

Seriously good for you, OP. Protecting your daughter and yourself is the only thing to do in this situation.

bluebell34567 · 25/02/2022 11:15

@Doidontimmm

Please move your child away from this situation

agree.

EatSleepReplete · 25/02/2022 11:22

I agree with the poster who said you should report the assault to the police, or encourage your DD to do so. Even though you are planning to leave, there is still the younger sister who will be stuck living there. Do you know why the father has custody - obviously I don't mean that you should discuss it on here, but do you think it would be possible to speak with their mother and let her know the situation, the mother can then take whatever action is appropriate. Or, speak to the school to let them know that all is not well, if you feel that the mother is not an appropriate person, for whatever reason.

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 11:27

I don't think you should report until after you move out because of your ex. Don't give him any leverage against you. Move out and then report.

bluebell34567 · 25/02/2022 11:29

Get out op, your daughter is being abused

so true.

Original poster

Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 11:35

To update a few things. The Mum has primary care, DP has them EOW plus holidays. DP's ex is quite obstructive, not a fan of me and has inflamed the situation between the kids in the past so there won't be any support there. DSD is violent with her mum too that I do know. But the general approach in the family to any big issue is to pretend it doesn't exist and that's not my problem to solve.

I have a good relationship with the other DSD but I think her loyalty will be to her family if pushed. Can't say I can blame her for that.

I dont have anywhere else to go in the meantime so I can only hope this period is quick. His kids are only here EOW in term time in any case so there's a breather in between.

One thing is for sure though, once back in my home I won't be continuing the relationship. Doing that sets too many poor boundaries for me (in that by being violent DSD can force me out so I cant be close to her dad or my DD see her dad more than she does).

OP posts:

Original poster

Greyskiesaregonnaclearup · 25/02/2022 11:36

As for reporting the incident to the police, I think doing that once we've moved is a good idea. Doing it while we're all in the house together will inflame the situation, not solve it at this point.

OP posts: