live with parents - permission to stepmother

[andrematrixxx]

After two years, I lost my job and I need to go home at 20 years old.
I talked to my father, however, he told me that I need to ask permission from his second wife as well.
I have a cordial relationship with her, but it is very humiliating to ask her permission to live with my father.
Besides, they have a one-year-old daughter and I don't want to be in the way.

??

Is it because of the his/her?

My adult DD moved out 2 years ago and since, due to various reasons, has moved home twice. I immediately said yes but me and DH had discussed this when she initially moved out, that if she needed to come home it would always be a yes. If we hadn't already discussed it I'd of talked ot over with him, not asked her to ask his permission.

DSD actually asked me if she could move in, not her dad at all...we're very close...again it was an immediate yes.

I'd never not let any of my kids or DSC come home but, unless already agreed, we'd always discuss it.

@WidgetyWoo

I agree that it is humiliating.

They are acting as if it is not your home. My home will still be my children’s home when they are your age, I would never instruct them to “ask your stepfather”. I’d speak to him to let him know myself!

I think this is a bit... I don't know.

In theory yes my home will always be my children's home but not in the same sense as when they were literally children.

My parents still live in my childhood home. But I'm an adult now, with a home of my own. I still think of it as a home but it's not my home in the sense I could just turn up one day and say "I'm back" and they'd not be able to have anything to say about it.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to act as though this isn't technically OPs home. It's not. She is an adult and she has been living in her own home now for a while.

Absolutely I think she should be able to move in if she needs to but it's not unreasonable to discuss it with his wife who's home it is as well and make sure it works for everyone and how that will look. She isn't a child anymore.

Possibly out of courtesy but my adult dc would always have a home with me and if my partner objected it would be the end of the relationship.

My home will always have room for my adult children. My dh is their SD but would never under normal circumstances refuse them shelter. If they were drug addicts or mixed up in knife crimes etc he might object.

@caringcarer

My home will always have room for my adult children. My dh is their SD but would never under normal circumstances refuse them shelter. If they were drug addicts or mixed up in knife crimes etc he might object.

If they were drug addicts or mixed up in knife crimes etc he might object.

He might, might he? Not definitely? What an amazing man you have found. Hang on to that treasure!

@WidgetyWoo it sounds weird but I suspect the dad has actually mentioned to his wife in passing that his adult son may at some point have to move back in. This is probably why he said that the OP needs to ask his step-mother in person.

One of my friends, who is also a SM, said her home was always home to her adult children. Then one of her adult sons' moved back in. She worked very hard with her DH, the boy's step-father, to ensure he moved out again as quickly as possible. He was simply inconsiderate to both of them.

Another friend of mine, who is also a SM, had her step-son move in. She knew that was always a possibility as there is no space for him at his mother's. She's found him considerate, polite and helpful when he's around.

I agree that now parents should be prepared to have adult children coming and going in their twenties. Most people I know in their twenties have had periods of unemployment, gone back to uni to do further study, struggled to save for a home. This has impacted on our choice of house & where we live, and our decision not to have more kids. The world has changed since the 70s.

But of course adult children in the home should be more like housemates and do their own washing, contribute to food shopping ect.

For me the step parent thing doesn't make a difference. Our home is DSC home as much as it is DC. Of course your dad will want to talk to your step mum but think it's a bit mean making you ask her.

I presume he's trying to ensure a good relationship by having you show her respect as this is her home you would be moving into. If she says yes it's far better for your relationship with her if you've asked her yourself, given that you're an adult. After all, she should have the option to refuse who lives in her home if she wishes.

I think it's the job of the father to talk to his wife. OP is being put in a really awkward position to have to ask her. And to be honest the wife is put on an awkward position too, whether or not she's given a heads up that the question will be asked.

This whole thing needs to be a discussion between the couple. But I very much hope they'd welcome OP for a defined period of time.

My DD came home for a few months when she and her partner split up. I'd be horrified if any new partner I had, had refused to allow it.
This kind of thing is why, after being widowed, I remain single. I wouldn't put anyone before my existing family.

SM is 28 and OP is 20

There is the humiliating bit - Dad has obviously married a very young woman who could have easily been OPs sibling. I think I understand why you legged it at aged 18 OP and why having to ask someone young enough to be your sister.

And if she says no - which she could do - she should be explaining t hat to your Dad first - not in your face. That is so confrontational of your father because I think he knows she is not going to be happy.

Hope is all works out and you find a new job quickly

@Thehouseofmarvels

Hopefully she will say yes! If she says know get why it would be anoying if it is a big house and your mother worked hard to pay off the morgage ect. It is your stepmother's house legally but if your father is in his 50's and a lot or all the morgage was paid before she came on the scene it would be irritating to not be allowed to get back on ypur feet. What would also be anoying is if money your mother inhearited is in the house too. I am 29 so only slightly older and most of my 28/29 year old friends could not afford a large house unless we were to marry someone wealthy or much older.

I am op I lost the password to my previous account.

I was an only child, my mother died when I was 12, and I think I would have had no siblings.
So I would have inherited everything.
My father on the other hand was always against the only child.
MS, too, has already announced to me that she loves large families and plans to give her little girl a little brother or sister soon.
I can't tell her not to have any more children....
Otherwise, she has been welcoming and happy that I asked her permission.
I'm trying to adjust, and act thoughtful, polite to her, and always helpful.
Although it is very difficult, my sister has become very lively, and the house feels like a daycare.
Have a nice day

Your dad has told you to do this to humilate you, to ensure you ‘know your place’ and to underscore that this house is not yours or your mum’s but your stepmum’s. I think you are African right? My Mum’s family is too and a you know in this culture if you’re being asked to ask someone else the answer is no or the stay will come with huge strings attached. Is there anyone else you can go to? Can you try and get a cheaper houseshare / move to a cheaper city?

Hi, I am an Italian guy.
I study English and I have several relatives in GB for this I joined on mumsnet, the best community of acquired parents.
it is really very strange African culture.
Children are all the same and I don't understand this distinction, this punishment-humiliation that is impressed on adult children.
In our country, the work situation is very difficult and many remain in their parents' homes even after the age of 30.
cordial greetings

Very interesting that you're Italian, where as you say it's common for adult children to live at home fir longer than it is here. Is your step mum Italian? Or just your dad?

I do think it’s relevant to the dynamics that OP is male, I’m not sure how I’d feel about breastfeeding etc with an adult DSS around. Not that this means he should be told no, of course, but that a little more consideration than usual around respect and boundaries might be required.

I also find it interesting that OP mentions inheritance not in relation to it going to his SM, but an implied resentment of it being shared between him and his sister. I do think there seems to be pointers in OP’s posts that the relationship dynamics in this family might be a little more nuanced than might first appear. Regardless, this is ultimately a Parent issue not a SM issue.

@interferingma

Very interesting that you're Italian, where as you say it's common for adult children to live at home fir longer than it is here. Is your step mum Italian? Or just your dad?

Hi, yes, in Italy many people live at home with their parents even if they have a stable job, and even after the age of 30. She is Italian, her parents are Italian-Danish. Her mother is Danish.

If my husband's child wanted to move in, I would expect to be consulted and asked prior.

Of course you should be asking your step mother if you can move back in. You should be prepared and accept if she says "no". You are an adult now.
Do you even want to live with them? With a young child they may have loads of rules re noise, bringing people over etc. Maybe your dad can lend you some money for a house share until you get better job?

@interferingma
@GreenVia
@ilovemyboys3

I asked her permission and have been living with them since last Sunday.

Actually, she immediately agreed, although she is very authoritative and the rules in the house are very strict.

For example, I can not get up from the table before they also finish eating, phone off. Also, she is fixated on tidiness, cleanliness, and I can't leave the house until my room is taken care of.
No visits from friends, and a sore point, she demands that I get vaccinated.

Then, I am very sad that I have not regained possession of my large room, in which I had wi.fi connection and game station.

For now I have to play by the rules, then possibly this summer I will move to my relatives in the UK, where I can find an occupation appropriate to my qualifications.

Good Sunday

For example, I can not get up from the table before they also finish eating, phone off. that's just good manners your father should have taught you

All that sounds reasonable though. And surely you’re happy to do more than just keeping your room tidy while you’re staying with them?

You are 20? Not a teenage boy. So yes you should be expected to keep your living quarters tidy..

And why would they want your mates coming round, go out and see them. It would be a bit awkward bringing a date back there.

Their rules seem perfectly reasonable to me. Start saving to move out if you don't like them. Time to grow up.

[quote andrematrix]@interferingma
@GreenVia
@ilovemyboys3

I asked her permission and have been living with them since last Sunday.

Actually, she immediately agreed, although she is very authoritative and the rules in the house are very strict.

For example, I can not get up from the table before they also finish eating, phone off. Also, she is fixated on tidiness, cleanliness, and I can't leave the house until my room is taken care of.
No visits from friends, and a sore point, she demands that I get vaccinated.

Then, I am very sad that I have not regained possession of my large room, in which I had wi.fi connection and game station.

For now I have to play by the rules, then possibly this summer I will move to my relatives in the UK, where I can find an occupation appropriate to my qualifications.

Good Sunday[/quote]
This sounds perfectly reasonable...

And as for being very sad that you have not "regained possession" of your large room!!!!!! Are you joking? It's not your house.

For now I have to play by the rules, then possibly this summer I will move to my relatives in the UK, where I can find an occupation appropriate to my qualifications.

The manners and behaviour you are learning with your SM will help you a lot when you move to the UK.

You are 20 not a child so absolutely no-one, whether they are a relation or even your own father, has to put up with poor and inconsiderate behaviour from you.

In fact of you are a good house guest friends and acquaintances who give you a bed for a night will often allow you to stay longer.

If you are a poor one even your own relations will get you to move on as quickly as possible.