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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

live with parents - permission to stepmother

113 replies

andrematrixxx · 29/01/2022 07:45

After two years, I lost my job and I need to go home at 20 years old.
I talked to my father, however, he told me that I need to ask permission from his second wife as well.
I have a cordial relationship with her, but it is very humiliating to ask her permission to live with my father.
Besides, they have a one-year-old daughter and I don't want to be in the way.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bookaholic73 · 29/01/2022 09:34

If the house is hers, and your Dad moved in with her, it’s definitely not your Dads decision.

Either way, his wife should be asked.

Original poster

andrematrixxx · 29/01/2022 09:36

@Bookaholic73

If the house is hers, and your Dad moved in with her, it’s definitely not your Dads decision.

Either way, his wife should be asked.

the house is my father's. In fact, this house was my mother's....

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2022 09:49

And now they’re married it’s also hers. And her daughter’s.

SpaceshiptoMars · 29/01/2022 09:50

the house is my father's. In fact, this house was my mother's....

Complicated. How does that make you feel?

funinthesun19 · 29/01/2022 09:59

I took a course in pediatric first aid and so I also think I can be useful.

This comment is really odd. Hopefully you won’t need to use it. But yes if you do, I’m sure you will be very useful.

Just interact with her and play with her. Make her some lunch or bath her. Lots of everyday things you can be doing. Your only quality can’t just be the first aid surely?

interferingma · 29/01/2022 10:00

Offer to babysit. The 28 year old will bloody love that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2022 10:03

@interferingma

Offer to babysit. The 28 year old will bloody love that.

Not necessarily.

Original poster

andrematrixxx · 29/01/2022 10:08

@interferingma

Offer to babysit. The 28 year old will bloody love that.

Is my first and only little sister, I do not consider myself babysitting. I love it more than anything.... Is a pleasure to be able to play with. This summer I was with them at the beach two weeks and it was a pleasure to take her in the stroller all convinced it was my daughter ...[sorride]

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 10:11

I can understand him wanting you to ask her permission more actually, if you're a man and she's a young woman married to a much older man.

I think it would be respectful to show her you understand you'd be living in her home and it's not going to be a boys club treating her like a skivvy.

That's not intended to sound sexist but there was a thread on here not long ago of a woman in her own home (I know you said she moved in with him) whose partner and adult son moved in and treated her like crap.

MrFsAunt · 29/01/2022 10:18

I'm sorry but that's bollocks.

My DS and DD would equally be able to stay with me at any time they needed to in the future and it would not depend on consulting whatever potential future stepparent there may be.

Though what they thought would be taken into account of course.

Puppalicious · 29/01/2022 10:19

Sorry to ask the question, but did your mother die? If so, I’m sorry and I can imagine how hard it would be to have to ask permission from her “replacement”.

Original poster

andrematrixxx · 29/01/2022 10:28

@Puppalicious

Sorry to ask the question, but did your mother die? If so, I’m sorry and I can imagine how hard it would be to have to ask permission from her “replacement”.

Yes, unfortunately my mother is dead. However, my father's wife is an intelligent and sensitive woman, although very authoritative and rigid in the rules of the house. If i comply I think there will be no problem. So I think it will just be a formality, a kind of respect for her.

OP posts:

ANameChangeAgain · 29/01/2022 10:29

I don't think this is about being humble, and asking the joint home owner shouldn't be humiliating. As I see it there are 3 adults here, one adult wants to move in with the other two so needs to speak to both to set up some ground rules, expectations etc. This isn't humiliation, its respect, and if you don't respect your dad's wife enough to speak to her about this, adult to adult, then you shouldn't move into her home. If you are being honest, is this about you as a man not want to lower yourself to ask a woman?

Flickflak · 29/01/2022 10:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 29/01/2022 10:44

I'm sorry but that's bollocks. My DS and DD would equally be able to stay with me at any time they needed to in the future and it would not depend on consulting whatever potential future stepparent there may be.

Would your future partner be able to move his adult children in to your home without your permission?

Thehouseofmarvels · 29/01/2022 10:52

Hopefully she will say yes! If she says know get why it would be anoying if it is a big house and your mother worked hard to pay off the morgage ect. It is your stepmother's house legally but if your father is in his 50's and a lot or all the morgage was paid before she came on the scene it would be irritating to not be allowed to get back on ypur feet. What would also be anoying is if money your mother inhearited is in the house too. I am 29 so only slightly older and most of my 28/29 year old friends could not afford a large house unless we were to marry someone wealthy or much older.

Beamur · 29/01/2022 10:54

Of course you need the permission of both Dad and SM to move in.
It's weird for adults to have their adult children move back in with them after everyone has got used to them having moved out!
I suspect your Dad has framed it this way to show respect to his wife and her position in their home.
Hopefully they will welcome you and you can use this time to get back on your feet and get to know your sibling better too.
I get on really well with my adult SC but have to admit I would be less than delighted to have them move back in!

rookiemere · 29/01/2022 10:58

When you say your DSm is "rigid and authoritative in the rules of the house" what exactly do you mean ?

Oh and btw it's considered bad form here to private message posters when it's something that can be addressed on the thread.

Thehouseofmarvels · 29/01/2022 11:07

Children of first marriages often loose out compared to people whose parents are only ever married to each other. I know someone who has married to someone very well off for 10 years, and got everything when he died. That person has no kids so possibly the husband was expecting them to leave everything to his kids but he has been dead nearly 15 years and the spouse could live another 20-25 years easiliy. If they never remarry I would think it likely they will leave the money to charity as they don't keep in touch with their stepchildren. Nice for charity, not ideal for the kids whose parents worked to have enough money for a huge house.

Thehouseofmarvels · 29/01/2022 11:09

Not close to their sibling either, so money would probably pass away from any family entirely.

candlelightsatdawn · 29/01/2022 14:46

Ok so I was here to give you a right ticking off based on your first op but I have changed my mind based on the updates.

However I suspect there's a cultural element at play which means your words aren't meant in literal sense (I'm guessing btw)

I'm sorry you lost your mum. I get being proud about having to ask your SM, does sound like your Dad has passed the buck to SM but I think if you respect her then asking isn't a big deal.

I get the feeling you respect her but don't like her much which is fine. You can co exist in a house without being buddy buddy.

Echoing others play nice ask, draw up boundaries and just set a time of for how long ect.

Good luck

MrFsAunt · 29/01/2022 15:31

Natasha you missed the bit out (funny that) when quoting me where I said that of course their opinion would be still taken into account.

My DC would never need to go directly to ask them for "permission". Not while I still have my faculties.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 29/01/2022 15:34

This summer I was with them at the beach two weeks and it was a pleasure to take her in the stroller all convinced it was my daughter ...[sorride]

Sorride makes me think that Italian must be your first language? That could explain why some words like humbled and ignoble sound a bit odd in this context to English readers.

MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 15:36

@AnneLovesGilbert

Not sure pride is something you can afford right now.

Really

A 20yo has lost her job, is still doing some work as a waitress but can’t afford to pay for the rent (thanks to crap wages etc etc.
And somehow she also needs ot feel ashamed of that AND swallow her pride (and I assume accept whatever her dad and step mu are asking if her)

That is a very strange family dynamic.
And very strange expectations of a 20yo when most of them are still at Uni receiving financial support from their parents….

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 15:57

@MananaTomorrow read the thread

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