live with parents - permission to stepmother

[andrematrixxx]

After two years, I lost my job and I need to go home at 20 years old.
I talked to my father, however, he told me that I need to ask permission from his second wife as well.
I have a cordial relationship with her, but it is very humiliating to ask her permission to live with my father.
Besides, they have a one-year-old daughter and I don't want to be in the way.

@interferingma

OP left home at 18, got a job, and now needs a bit of support. Odd that her dad is making this hard for her. Of course she can ask step mum. But it wouldn't hurt him to do so too. Tell you what OP when your parents are old and need your help, make sure they ask nicely! I'm on my half joking there. Good luck with the job hunting. You seem lovely

Anyway, that's okay. I'm going to take the opportunity to get to know my little sister better and play with her a little bit.... Thank you all for your advice, I will keep you updated, a hug to all and have a good weekend

Is this the home you were living in full time till you were 18? What would you do if they didn’t have any spare space? How long do you plan to stay?

They should have discussed it between them. They have a baby so a lot has changed in the last two years. It sounds like he was being clumsy but letting you know it was a joint decision they both get to make and her opinion counts as much as his. Or he’s not keen on having you back and is pushing it to her. Which wouldn’t be fair on either of you.

You’re an adult, you moved out, it’s a big deal to go back home because things haven’t worked out. They might have moved house. They might live in a two bed and now the baby’s in the other room. Plenty of variables.

It’s a privilege for people to say their DC will always have a room at any age in any circumstances. I’m from a big family and once I went to uni I didn’t have a room. I’m close with both my parents but I wouldn’t expect to just move in at short notice with either of them and if I was asking it if my dad I’d expect my step mum’s feelings to be of equal weight to his. She’s been with him 25 years and it’s her house too.

@Huckleberries73

It’s not your home, you’ve moved out, and by the way you are reacting by having to consult your stepmom, I can totally understand why he is doing it.

Stop being a brat.
Accept that you need to eat a bit of humble pie, and get on with it.

I will speak to her about it with humility. Perhaps you are right, I am too proud in character.

Not sure pride is something you can afford right now.

@interferingma

OP left home at 18, got a job, and now needs a bit of support. Odd that her dad is making this hard for her. Of course she can ask step mum. But it wouldn't hurt him to do so too. Tell you what OP when your parents are old and need your help, make sure they ask nicely! I'm on my half joking there. Good luck with the job hunting. You seem lovely

This. Why wouldn't the Dad talk to his wife himself rather than making the OP having to go and beg and "ask permission" from someone not much older than herself.

It really irritates me when mumsnetters act as if anyone a day older than 18 should be instantly fully self reliant as if they themselves aren't going to have their kids living with them until said kids are about 30.

Or as in the SM in question's case, got off with a richer old man with his own house already so you don't need to strive for yourself.

Good luck OP, it isn't easy but dynamics change. You aren't a child any more, you are a grown woman.

As long as you can accept that it is your dad's wife's home now, make sure you both get plenty of space and don't ask your dad to choose between you, you'll be fine.

I’ve got 2 step kids and 2 of my own dc. When ss
came back Dh asked if it was ok, same when my ds came back.

But they are all out children and will always have a home with us.

Hi, the house is big.
My sister sleeps in their master bedroom and also has my former room completely converted for her....
I am not asking for my room back with all the options....
maybe the problem is just their privacy...she is young, 28 and wants more kids....
that's why she might see me in the way....
anyway I am a guy.

@andrematrixxx

I suspect your Dad is distancing himself a little from whatever your SM might say. A bit naughty of him, but there you go! His way of protecting your relationship with him if the conversation gets a bit tricky, and leaving the hard emotional work to you and the SM together.

It isn't easy navigating the changes needed for this new situation. A new baby necessitates major change - life gets dominated by routines, sleep patterns (or endless waking). It doesn't gel well with the desires of a young adult for late nights, random meals, socializing, friends dropping in without notice etc.

At 20, you are really going to chafe at the restrictions a small child creates for the household. Putting your stuff away in case she picks a battery up and swallows it, not leaving household chemicals in reaching range, locking cupboards, closing stair gates - stuff you'd be instantly on the ball for, for a child you created, but less so for one you didn't.

I'm not sure that 'humiliating' is quite the right word here. For this to work, you'll need to accept that their world has changed completely, and be prepared to adapt around the whirlwind. Patience may be in short supply, and you be required to step up as an adult - clean up, cook, do laundry, sleep at sensible hours. Sticking to times agreed for bathtimes, doing laundry, using the kitchen etc

Is there a more palatable solution for you with friends perhaps?

It really irritates me when mumsnetters act as if anyone a day older than 18 should be instantly fully self reliant as if they themselves aren't going to have their kids living with them until said kids are about 30.

Or as in the SM in question's case, got off with a richer old man with his own house already so you don't need to strive for yourself.

It really irritates me when mumsnetters make sweeping judgements on other women especially stepmothers and make bitchy assumptions about them.

You asked for advice so here it is:

1. ask the step mother
2. tell them what is your plan, I. E. How long do you plan to stay
3. offer whatever help around the house you are planning to do

As you're a guy, one more thing!

Headphones ON if you game at night, and game chat over text not voice

Oh shit. This is a horrible dynamic all round. I would barely be able to tolerate being around my dad if he’d remarried a woman only 8 years older than me. It’s gross. And I’d never choose to marry a much older man with older children because I would find being in your dad’s wife’s situation completely intolerable. Young single childfree adults and toddlers are a shit mix. They need and want utterly different things from their homes.

In your situation OP I’d treat it as a super temporary thing. Ask to stay for a couple of months while you find your feet again. And you do have to ask your dad’s wife. This is an enormous imposition on her space and her home. It’s shit that your dad’s home is not really yours any more, but it isn’t. Investigate every possible way of getting out of there ASAP.

Or as in the SM in question's case, got off with a richer old man with his own house already so you don't need to strive for yourself.

What a revealing comment. The misogyny is strong in this one.

My sister sleeps in their master bedroom and also has my former room completely converted for her....
I am not asking for my room back with all the options....

How gracious of you. It’s not your room. It’s her room. Babies come with a lot of stuff.

You haven’t said how long you want to stay or what your other options are?

@SpaceshiptoMars

As you're a guy, one more thing!

Headphones ON if you game at night, and game chat over text not voice

I don't play, I study. it is logical that I should adapt, I took a course in pediatric first aid and so I also think I can be useful. then, of course, I would stay the bare minimum. I could also collaborate with the rent even if it would be ignoble because my father has no economic problems.

Perhaps your DF has referred you to your DSM because she has concerns from when you lived at home before.

When you do ask be very matter of fact, say how long it's likely to be for and commit to some chores such as keeping your room clean , putting all dirty dishes in dishwasher and doing some housework such as hoovering /cleaning the bathroom / emptying dishwasher. Your presence will create extra work so it's only fair that you do this.

Also offer to do some babysitting.

@Huckleberries73

It’s not your home, you’ve moved out, and by the way you are reacting by having to consult your stepmom, I can totally understand why he is doing it.

Stop being a brat.
Accept that you need to eat a bit of humble pie, and get on with it.

Wow, something's obviously touched a nerve!

Are you the stepmother by any chance?

If your father has plenty of money would they prefer to top up your rent on a room in a houseshare rather than have you stay in their house? At 20 in your situation I would have preferred sharing with people my own age anyway.

Your use of 'humbled' and 'ignoble' makes me curious as to what your background/culture is.

I feel for you. I think it's ok for your dad to run this past his wife before saying yes, but this is obviously rubbing you up the wrong way. You must feel the small age difference between you and your Stepmum and the difference in your current fortunes. Can you really not afford a room in a shared house? Would this not cost the same as paying board at home?

For sure your stepmother's feelings need to be taken into account here, she needs to be fine with it.

However I would suggest that it would make more sense if your Dad discussed the idea with his wife and they decided between them. Sending you to ask her is a bit strange to me.

Making a clear plan for how long you plan to stay, and what you plan to contribute financially and to housework sounds like a good idea.

A bit unusual dad didn't just ask stepmum but as pp have said maybe it's so you realise this is her home too. I would give them a timescale so they know when you'll move out. It's hard going back as an adult child, the dynamics will often be tricky. But approach it as if you are asking for help and not as if you are entitled to move back home.

@andrematrixxx

I don't play, I study.
OK, then it may be you that struggles with the crying at night. Wax earplugs are brilliant. Sanity savers.

Will you be getting a room to yourself, or sleeping and studying in shared space?

I took a course in pediatric first aid and so I also think I can be useful. I wouldn't use this as your selling point tbh it's implying you think mum also hasn't done a first aid course.

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@andrematrixxx

I don't play, I study.
OK, then it may be you that struggles with the crying at night. Wax earplugs are brilliant. Sanity savers.

Will you be getting a room to yourself, or sleeping and studying in shared space?[/quote]
I sent you an mp.
You are the one who will generate anxiety for me if you continue. I am joking