live with parents - permission to stepmother

[andrematrixxx]

After two years, I lost my job and I need to go home at 20 years old.
I talked to my father, however, he told me that I need to ask permission from his second wife as well.
I have a cordial relationship with her, but it is very humiliating to ask her permission to live with my father.
Besides, they have a one-year-old daughter and I don't want to be in the way.

a kind advice, thanks

She lives there too, so of course she needs to be consulted.

Have you any reason to think she will be anything other than welcoming?

Not wanting to be in the way is a pretty normal feeling, but hopefully you won't need to be there Ling.

How's the job hunting going?

Well it is her home too presumably? Hopefully she will be welcoming, given the circumstances, but you will be the guest after leaving and returning so her home, her rules, I suppose? There are hundreds of threads on here about adult children and step parents - it isn't always an easy dynamic.

Perfectly reasonable?! Even if it was your mother it's normal to chat it through with all the other adults in the house to make sure they are fine with it

@RancidOldHag

She lives there too, so of course she needs to be consulted.

Have you any reason to think she will be anything other than welcoming?

Not wanting to be in the way is a pretty normal feeling, but hopefully you won't need to be there Ling.

How's the job hunting going?

I had a steady job, in an electronics company. Now I work little as a waiter to earn some money.

It sounds courteous to ask her too, although I can't imagine ever just not immediately saying yes to my child.

It's odd that he doesn't just talk to her!

I think it’s a bit off that he’s asking you to separately go and ask her. Of course she should be consulted but I would’ve thought it’s more sensible for him to speak to her and then come back to you.

His approach seems to be making the whole thing into a bit of a performance, and also potentially making things more awkward if she doesn’t want you to. I wouldn’t appreciate being put in that position in her shoes either.

Or what lunar1 said!

I assume that his yelling you to ask her yourself, is so that you are demonstrating to her that you recognise that it is her house and family home as much as it is his. And making the point to you, which given that you sound a little surprised that she might need to be consulted, may be a good idea?

And what is he going to do if she says no? If my adult DC needed (genuinely needed) to come home and my OH tried to veto it id be horrified, in the same way that I’d never think of saying no if his DC had the same request. I’m assuming here there’s no unusual history here which would make it reasonable for her to say no.

On face value I think this is simply courteous behaviour.

I agree that it is humiliating.

They are acting as if it is not your home. My home will still be my children’s home when they are your age, I would never instruct them to “ask your stepfather”. I’d speak to him to let him know myself!

@Hb12

I assume that his yelling you to ask her yourself, is so that you are demonstrating to her that you recognise that it is her house and family home as much as it is his. And making the point to you, which given that you sound a little surprised that she might need to be consulted, may be a good idea?

I agree with this sentiment but I’m not getting that sense from the OP, she seems respectful of the wife. For me, it’s weird that she is being sent off to get a separate permission directly.

As I said, if I was the dad in this situation I wouldn’t be suggesting that my DCs needs override my wife’s needs. As a principle it’s absolutely correct that it’s her house and home. But if the practical reality is that the DC needs help and my wife said no that would leave me reassessing the whole relationship. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would behave in that way.

@Hb12

I assume that his yelling you to ask her yourself, is so that you are demonstrating to her that you recognise that it is her house and family home as much as it is his. And making the point to you, which given that you sound a little surprised that she might need to be consulted, may be a good idea?

It's likely we'll talk about it tomorrow at lunch. But it's really very humbling. I left home that I was just over 18 to be independent. And now I have to submit to his rules, with a little half-sister around the house.

Could your dad pay your rent for a couple of months instead just while you find another full time job?

I want my children to have a home to return to if they need it throughout their young adulthood. It's part of being a paren. I didn't have this, and it impacted on my life choices - I could take fewer risks than friends who knew they could go back to their parental home. If my DP were to die I would not embark on any new relationship without the person knowing that my house is still my children's home, even if they are not living there. A time will come when they don't need this refuge. So OP I don't think you are asking for anything unreasonable. Hopefully your DD just wants to respect and include your SM, but the consultation should really be a just a formality.

I think you're being a bit unfair/ungrateful OP. You can't ask to stay with them as you're in need but then begrudge having to live by their rules in their house and be around your little sister.

I'm 26 and lived with my parents till I was 22, and although it could be annoying wanting to be independent, you have to recognise that it is their house and they expect certain things from you.

I agree with the PP about the fact it's come to a surprise to you that you have to involve his wife, is probably a sign that that conversion is needed. In all honestly I think being taking that as being "humbled" is a red flag not to live with them as it's only going to end in disagreements and arguments.

@TheWatersofMarch

I want my children to have a home to return to if they need it throughout their young adulthood. It's part of being a paren. I didn't have this, and it impacted on my life choices - I could take fewer risks than friends who knew they could go back to their parental home. If my DP were to die I would not embark on any new relationship without the person knowing that my house is still my children's home, even if they are not living there. A time will come when they don't need this refuge. So OP I don't think you are asking for anything unreasonable. Hopefully your DD just wants to respect and include your SM, but the consultation should really be a just a formality.

thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are a WONDERFUL mom. You can't imagine what I would give to have you as a mom. They are so very lucky your children.

@WidgetyWoo

I agree that it is humiliating.

They are acting as if it is not your home. My home will still be my children’s home when they are your age, I would never instruct them to “ask your stepfather”. I’d speak to him to let him know myself!

Absolutely this.

I feel for you OP.

Could he not talk to her about it and then you talk about how it’d work all together? I would never say that DSD couldn’t come back to live with us (unless there was some extreme reasons) but as it’s my home too I’d expect it to be discussed with me

OP left home at 18, got a job, and now needs a bit of support. Odd that her dad is making this hard for her. Of course she can ask step mum. But it wouldn't hurt him to do so too.
Tell you what OP when your parents are old and need your help, make sure they ask nicely! I'm on my half joking there.
Good luck with the job hunting. You seem lovely

And when I say discussed with me; I mean the logistics of it and how as adults we’ll make it work

@RoseMAR

I think you're being a bit unfair/ungrateful OP. You can't ask to stay with them as you're in need but then begrudge having to live by their rules in their house and be around your little sister.

I'm 26 and lived with my parents till I was 22, and although it could be annoying wanting to be independent, you have to recognise that it is their house and they expect certain things from you.

I agree with the PP about the fact it's come to a surprise to you that you have to involve his wife, is probably a sign that that conversion is needed. In all honestly I think being taking that as being "humbled" is a red flag not to live with them as it's only going to end in disagreements and arguments.

My father's wife is 28 years old and I've always respected her, so you're wrong about that. Then it's obvious that the interests at home with a small child are different....