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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sharing finances

85 replies

pineapplemartini · 25/01/2022 21:24

Can I ask how you share finances with your DP if they have children from previous relationship?

We are planning to move in together with DP soon. He has DD from a previous relationship. DD is 11 and is with him every weekend and one afternoon during the week.

I would like to set some solid rules as I have been used financially by exH in the past. I'm now super paranoid about it and this is something I want to avoid. But I also want to be fair and not to be petty about money. DP is a saver and I'm saving too.

I earn annually about £7k more than DP (both somewhere between £30k and £40k). So far we have agreed what I suggested, which is having a separate bank account where we will be transferring money for bills every month. DP suggested we both pay 50/50 for household bills.

How would you split food costs knowing that DP eats much more (his words) plus he is having his DD as above (he hasn't mentioned DD when we talked about sharing food costs)? He proposed he is going to do food shopping more often than I but I can see this being a grey area.

How would you pay for regular days out with DSC? Would you share costs 50/50? I join DP and his DD for a day out every week and usually pay half the cost of these trips.

I'm totally not assertive when it comes to money so want to make up my mind before suggesting anything to DP. Would paying for days out 50/50 and letting DP simply do 'more' food shopping will be naive?

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 25/01/2022 21:33

To be quite honest, we don't overly think about it. We have our own DC plus shared. We split household bills 50/50 with a bit extra in the pot towards groceries. I probably pay a bit more towards food but then I earn a bit more. With regards to everything else like days out, presents etc we pay for our respective children generally but nobody is keeping tally.

aSofaNearYou · 25/01/2022 22:54

Personally I would be fine with the food shopping plan, but would just pay for myself on days out rather than 50/50.

MooSakah · 26/01/2022 07:08

It's really up to you how you do it. For a while we had mostly seperate bank accounts and paid half the bills then the shopping he would do the shop for the weekend they came and I did the weekend they didn't.

Then we had a shared account and we just did bills and food from that and he paid an extra £50 for that for his kids (we didn't know exactly how much they cost though, it was more a token for me that he appreciated they were his responsibility).

Now we have our own DC and are married we put into the joint account according to our income and he buys any extra things like clothes for DSC etc from his own account.

If we went on days out with the kids and he wanted me there then I would expect him to pay in the early days. And then later I'd pay for my own entry. Now it could come out the joint account.

HTH. Don't get sucked into paying for his kids.

tiredofthisshit21 · 26/01/2022 07:53

@aSofaNearYou

Personally I would be fine with the food shopping plan, but would just pay for myself on days out rather than 50/50.

Agree with this. Also beware of holidays - his child, he pays.

MooSakah · 26/01/2022 08:02

Agree with this. Also beware of holidays - his child, he pays. oh yes.. no way should you be paying for the holidays for his child.

LethargicActress · 26/01/2022 08:07

Are you moving in together in a home that one of you already owns?

I think the arrangement they you’ve suggested sounds fine.

Original poster

pineapplemartini · 26/01/2022 08:41

We are going to rent.

Good point on holidays. He wanted to go away for a few nights with me and his DD and I assumed we would pay 50/50. Clearly will need to rethink that!

That's the thing, I don't mind paying extra here and there if I want to, but for some reason it become a standard that we pay 50/50 for everything including days out with his DD.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 08:47

@pineapplemartini

We are going to rent.

Good point on holidays. He wanted to go away for a few nights with me and his DD and I assumed we would pay 50/50. Clearly will need to rethink that!

That's the thing, I don't mind paying extra here and there if I want to, but for some reason it become a standard that we pay 50/50 for everything including days out with his DD.

I always find this really strange when finances are broadly seperate, it seems obvious to me that the parent would pay for themselves and their child.

MooSakah · 26/01/2022 08:48

@pineapplemartini who instigated that? If you said ok I'll cover my cost and you pay the rest how would he react? It's a very good test in these early days of how much he assumes you are willing to take on for his child. It's one thing not minding it but when it is assumed by him it would get me thinking. Would he be expecting you to be doing the housework etc for his child too.

tiredofthisshit21 · 26/01/2022 08:50

And don't forget all the free babysitting sometimes expected of SMs. Don't be getting into that either. Your stepchild has two parents who have responsibility for him/her. One of them isn't you.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I've seen too many women on this board taken advantage of.

lunar1 · 26/01/2022 09:05

Is he going to be paying 2/3 of the rent as an extra room is needed. I think it says a lot about him, and not in a good way if he's presuming everything should be 50/50.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2022 09:07

So he thinks that he should pay the same as you even though he has a child? Everyone knows that it's cheaper not to have children! I think I'd be a bit annoyed that he is suggesting that kind of split.

vivainsomnia · 26/01/2022 09:11

If the day out is specifically to please his DD, you pay yours only. If it's a day out that please you and partner primarily, you pay half.

Same with holidays.

MooSakah · 26/01/2022 09:12

@lunar1

Is he going to be paying 2/3 of the rent as an extra room is needed. I think it says a lot about him, and not in a good way if he's presuming everything should be 50/50.

The rent won't be quite that much more for the extra room but yes that's a very good point.

vivainsomnia · 26/01/2022 09:13

Funny how most men will automatically agree to pay half! OP earns more, so if he pays more, his disposable income will be much less than OP. This might mean that he can't afford to go out to it, on weekends away, shared hobby etc ...with OP.

There is no right or wrong but you both really need to be on the same page with the principles of your decision.

Original poster

pineapplemartini · 26/01/2022 09:15

It just happened, I would pay for doughnuts, he would pay for dinner for us three when we are out. The next time it will be the other way round so it works more or less 50/50. It is not that I offer to pay, he would ask would I mind paying for dinner today because he paid last time.

His DD is with us every weekend. He would be taking her for these days out even if I wasn't in the picture so it would be fair for me to only pay for my own costs. But somehow I end up paying more.

The thought of having to say to him that btw from now on I'm paying my own costs only makes me feel awkward. See? That's my problem when it comes to money, I'm not assertive, that's why I want to set clear rules before we move in together.

Holiday 50/50 I've assumed, nothing booked so far and we haven't had the conversation of who pays for what. But I could see him assuming the same.

OP posts:

delilahbucket · 26/01/2022 09:21

I have a DS from a previous relationship, so slightly different as he lives with us and only sees his dad for 24 hours a fortnight. All household bills and food are pretty much 50/50. I pay for most DS related expenses such as school dinners, clothes, pocket money, bus fare, music lessons and other extra curricular activities, presents for birthday/Christmas and his savings. I get child maintenance and child benefit and while that doesn't cover all of that by any stretch, it goes towards.
DH has paid for all sorts of things for him though and also costs for larger things in the home come out of his account, like a new bathroom last year. We only have separate accounts for savings as our accounts have a max limit for interest and together it would be exceeded.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 09:23

would pay for dinner for us three when we are out. The next time it will be the other way round so it works more or less 50/50. It is not that I offer to pay, he would ask would I mind paying for dinner today because he paid last time.

He directly asked you to pay for him and his daughter? I'm sorry OP but that's so cheeky. It wasn't even "would you mind paying I'm broke" it was "because I paid last time", making it clear this is what he thinks is correct and appropriate. You really need to be assertive now because this is a big red flag.

Original poster

pineapplemartini · 26/01/2022 09:23

@lunar1

Is he going to be paying 2/3 of the rent as an extra room is needed. I think it says a lot about him, and not in a good way if he's presuming everything should be 50/50.

From mumsnet I know we should be paying bills in a proportion of earnings so going with this, I would need to pay more than him. He has suggested an even split, I thought it was fair because although I earn more, he has DD to acomodate so it kind of evens out.

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/01/2022 09:35

Hold on though....why is it 50/50 if you earn more?

Shouldn't it be a percentage each towards the bills so you each pay a fair proportion of your income?. I thought that's how most people worked it to make it fair.

You could argue that his extra contribution is already covering his dd.

tiredofthisshit21 · 26/01/2022 09:40

I can see you're already being taken for a ride OP. Don't avoid the money conversation because you feel awkward, as he'll just continue to take advantage.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 09:41

@Willyoujustbequiet

Hold on though....why is it 50/50 if you earn more?

Shouldn't it be a percentage each towards the bills so you each pay a fair proportion of your income?. I thought that's how most people worked it to make it fair.

You could argue that his extra contribution is already covering his dd.

OP has said they considered it balanced out to cover his DD.

But extra expenses like day trips and holidays are seperate from that.

Classicblunder · 26/01/2022 09:45

It seems pretty reasonable to me on day to day expenses - you earn more but he has a child so 50:50 seems fine.

Days out, depends a bit on whether these are to things that are about his daughter primarily or things you all enjoy. So if you took her to a music festival that was really more for you as a couple, I think 50:50 fine, if it's like a trampoline park or something you would never go to without a child, would say he should pay for you all

NerdyBird · 26/01/2022 09:56

I don't think you should move in yet. It's inevitable that you will end up paying for his dd in some way (even a 50/50 split means you are covering some of her cost) and it seems that you're not quite comfortable with that. Which is fine, it's a lot to get used to.
I think you would need to have a really detailed discussion about finances AND expectations about responsibilities before moving in.

MooSakah · 26/01/2022 10:05

As its only early stages I wouldn't be paying proportionate to income just yet. You're still saving him money by paying half the rent. After a year or so once you know its working and there's a long term future that's when I'd look at doing it proportionate to income. And even then the holidays and extras for his child should come out of his left over income after bills are paid.

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