Sharing finances

[pineapplemartini]

Can I ask how you share finances with your DP if they have children from previous relationship?

We are planning to move in together with DP soon. He has DD from a previous relationship. DD is 11 and is with him every weekend and one afternoon during the week.

I would like to set some solid rules as I have been used financially by exH in the past. I'm now super paranoid about it and this is something I want to avoid. But I also want to be fair and not to be petty about money. DP is a saver and I'm saving too.

I earn annually about £7k more than DP (both somewhere between £30k and £40k). So far we have agreed what I suggested, which is having a separate bank account where we will be transferring money for bills every month. DP suggested we both pay 50/50 for household bills.

How would you split food costs knowing that DP eats much more (his words) plus he is having his DD as above (he hasn't mentioned DD when we talked about sharing food costs)? He proposed he is going to do food shopping more often than I but I can see this being a grey area.

How would you pay for regular days out with DSC? Would you share costs 50/50? I join DP and his DD for a day out every week and usually pay half the cost of these trips.

I'm totally not assertive when it comes to money so want to make up my mind before suggesting anything to DP. Would paying for days out 50/50 and letting DP simply do 'more' food shopping will be naive?

I live with my partner who has two children from his ex and we have a child together and another on the way. We put in all our wages except from personal bills coming out of our accounts like phone bill etc. Our mortgage, utility bills and all food shopping comes out of it obviously, plus days out. He earns more so puts in more than I do, but I didn't think about him paying extra for his children. If we go on days out etc it just all comes out of the same pot.
If we didn't share finances, then if we were doing a day trip out, I would expect him to pay for 3 places and I would pay for 1. I wouldn't pay 50/50. Food shopping isn't really an issue ad an extra plate of food isn't really much at all when your cooking anyways. In terms of household bills, the daughter won't be causing bills to rise lots.
Holidays, I would be paying for myself and he can pay for his children. I wouldn't pay 50/50 if it's per person. If it was a villa or lodge that's 2 bed then I'd pay 50/50 as it's probably not much more than a one bed.

OP it does sound like the expectation is already there from him that you contribute towards his child. You have ZERO OBLIGATION to do this unless you absolutely want to.

I am married with two step-kids and a child of my own. We each pay for our own child's costs. Not down to splitting hairs over food bills etc, but certainly when it comes to meals out/holidays etc.

You should never be expected to cover costs that aren't yours to cover, and you should never be made to feel guilty that you don't want to. Stand firm now before it's too late.

My partner lives with me and my 2 DD's, I'm widowed so we treat ourselves as a family unit, no other parent contributing.

Household bills, food, days out, holidays are 50/50.

Kids clothes, school stuff, clubs, childcare bill is all mine.

I am interested what the living arrangements are like now for your DP? He seems very keen to get you involved in his DC to the point he is now going to money based things rather than parks etc like before. He is now expecting you to pay half. Its all a win win for him. I bet he is keen for you to rent together, bigger place, more money for him as he is now sharing the costs and to top it all he gets you to pay half towards his DC. I think you need to pause a little and truly reflect is this what you thought you were signing up for? How does this set up benefit you?Do you feel like your being loved and cherished by this man?

This sounds absolutely perfect to me. I mean really you shouldn't have to justify it but I know why you might want it to sound softer than "I'm not paying for your kid you cheeky moo".

That last sentence cracked me up 😂😂 that would be next level up if DP started getting funny. Someone gave me advice that if someone's acting huffy and off, act like they are joking and your both playing with each other and you can't possibly be taking their reaction seriously because it's so ridiculous.

Tends to work as it makes them question their huff rather than confirm they are justified in it (like if your like are you ok are you annoyed ect)

But I'm also a massive fan of jo Lycette and his approach to weird situations.

@candlelightsatdawn we're reading from the same hymn sheet or whatever it is the saying is!

@MooSakah I'm glad I'm not the only one.

People in UK are really hung up on this whole your married so you must share finances 😳 why will it stop bad things from happening? Doesn't seem any less easier to blend finances and actually in my eyes seems more complex but this is my second marriage so I like to think I have learn something from the last shit storm 😂😂

Amen to that @candlelightsatdawn - I think those of us married to a financially controlling arsehole the first time round are very wary of blending finances when they remarry - I speak from bitter experience.

All sounds a bit petty. It’s family money and she s part of your family. Swings and roundabouts.

@Tractordiggerdump

All sounds a bit petty. It’s family money and she s part of your family. Swings and roundabouts.

It's not "family money" it's OP's money.

@tiredofthisshit21

Amen to that *@candlelightsatdawn* - I think those of us married to a financially controlling arsehole the first time round are very wary of blending finances when they remarry - I speak from bitter experience.

Exactly!

For this very reason I don't think I ever want to remarry. And even if I do it one day, I won't be sharing finances.

Can you legally be married and not share finances?

That's because exH was controlling arsehole and despite the fact that I was earning more for majority of our marriage and we had joined finances, he took me to cleaners during divorce. I'm not going through that ever again.

That means I'm a bit paranoid when it comes to living together and sharing finances to any degree.

At 11 the food costs are close to being an adult. Him buying extra food and covering the costs of his dd when you have days out/holidays seems a good starting point with him paying for more meals out if you mostly eat out with her.

@pineapplemartini We don't share finances and so far the sky hasn't fallen or gods smitted our marriage yet.

We had a legal framework set up to protect each of the things we value. So not just money but what happens with kids and contact, what happens with cars ect so that if our marriage breaks down there's no emotional lashing out just because either one is upset. It's not romantic but then marriage is a legal contract not to sleep with other people so I'm not fussed about appearances.

Only annoying thing is that when you say it works for us and our family not blending finances, it seems to really tick people off and you get people defaulting shaming comments when they can think of no good reason why to blend finances other than it's just "what's typically done".

Mainly funnily enough from other women. Never get a rational solid reason why it's so awful to keep them separate either.

My ex was of a similar kin. Never again. Not a chance.

@Tractordiggerdump

All sounds a bit petty. It’s family money and she s part of your family. Swings and roundabouts.

I didn't mean to sound petty. We have only been together 2.5 years and I don't consider us to be 'a family' yet. Maybe this will change as time goes on and things work well between us. But until then I want to keep finances separate.

I worked my ass off studying, sacrificed social life for a few years to get a good career and earn what I am on now. I don't see why I should be guilt tripped into paying more than I'm comfortable just because my DP has a child.

I don't see why I should be guilt tripped into paying more than I'm comfortable just because my DP has a child.

You shouldn't OP. It's untrue, manipulative nonsense.

Can you legally be married and not share finances? of course. No one insists you have any joint assets. It might be handy to have a joint account at some point but it's not obligatory. It would be an idea to see a solicitor to get wills and anything else drawn up.

But anyway you sound like you have your head screwed on tbh.

I would say DP I want to start saving more would you mind if we reign in our spending a bit, I might have to dial back on contributing half of these days out for SC but I can still cover the cost of my ticket if you guys still want me to come.
Then stop talking.

@candlelightsatdawn that's brilliant, that's how I'm going to put that across to DP. Kind and gentle but firm at the same time. Thanks!

All posts and insights are really helpful, a lot to think about. I like keeping some distance. There was a point when I became too entangled/ engaged (my own initiative of trying different approaches) and I stepped back because as long as I wanted to do it initially, the dynamics changed and I didn't like it that much in the long run. Maybe it was too soon. I have had a conversation with DP who was a little surprised and maybe sad too (he has never said that) but accepted it no problem.

I do 50/50 bills and food shopping etc but my DP pays for all birthday/Christmas presents and stuff he does with the kids.

If we do a day out/go for dinner, I will usually do half or chip in some, but in my situation it's rare that I'm there so it's not a big deal. I pay for half of any holidays we do together.

Tbh I probably wouldn't do all of this but I earn a lot more than my DP and he would struggle to do holidays etc if I didn't help out.

However, I would never totally combine our money as I just wouldn't be comfortable with the amount he'd likely spend on the kids. It would be different if they were ours together as I'd have more influence on what we were buying them or how often we were splashing out on big days out, we would agree things together, but obviously that's not the case as a SP and my DP spends excessively sometimes.

Ps. OP I'd definitely be wary financially in your situation as from what you've posted it does sound a bit like your DP is trying to shoehorn you into paying for everything for his daughter 50/50.

It reads very much as though he's trying to engineer that on purpose, probably because that's how he thinks a 'family' should work.

My DP would never ask me to pay for him and his kids for dinner because he paid the time before. He knows they are his responsibility to pay for and is only ever grateful when I contribute.

OP I have 3 siblings who have been married nearly 30 years. They still do not share finances. Funny thing is in 2 cases my SIL earns more and in one case a lot more.

I actually do similar to Glitterygreen as I also earn a lot more however as my home is my own I pay my mortgage as we aren't married. Due to how DP's ex has treated him e.g. telling him when he could and couldn't spend money, he doesn't want to be enmeshed financially with me.

@RedWingBoots sorry to do this as this is completely irrelevant to this thread but there's a recent post called "anyone had anything similar" and your the go to poster/who seems to know a lot about family courts. Can you jump in on that thread and give your perspective? The OP has a really weird legal situation with her DP and I was wondering if you can offer any insight as I am stumped and there's a fair amount of confusion over what can and can't be done.

I would have DMed you but I don't know how to on the app !

(Sorry for hijacking and volunteering your brain - I feel bit sorry for the poster and thought maybe you could help if your willing.)

Apologies all !!!

There is nothing wrong with agreeing separate finances and not going 50/50 but you need to be prepared to stand to it for better or worse.

What would happen if you lost your job? Would you expect him to help you financially like legally he would be expected to? How would you feel if he said that you just have to use all your savings first and then take any job FT even if you were poorly and not able to work PT but couldn't do so and pay your part?

I think this requires a very open and honest discussion considering all possible circumstances rather than dancing around the matter and ultimately leaving uncertainties and misunderstandings to arise later in the relationship.

Hi OP I’ve been married for a few years and my husband and I have separate bank accounts. We have split our household bills more or less proportionally to our income, but we each pay for our own kids when it comes to days out, holidays, presents, clothes, meals out and so on.
There is no shame in being assertive about it, remember that your step child already has two parents who can pay for them, you shouldn’t be expected to also contribute (unless you want to).

@vivainsomnia

There is nothing wrong with agreeing separate finances and not going 50/50 but you need to be prepared to stand to it for better or worse.

What would happen if you lost your job? Would you expect him to help you financially like legally he would be expected to? How would you feel if he said that you just have to use all your savings first and then take any job FT even if you were poorly and not able to work PT but couldn't do so and pay your part?

I think this requires a very open and honest discussion considering all possible circumstances rather than dancing around the matter and ultimately leaving uncertainties and misunderstandings to arise later in the relationship.

I don't think this is really very fair because there is a difference between day-to-day finances and what would need to happen in an emergency.

Like if you live together and one person loses their job and can't pay, then obviously the 2nd person has no choice but to pay or they both lose their home? But hopefully it wouldn't be permanent situation. Same with someone only being able to work PT because of illness, if the other person loves their partner and cares for their welfare then if possible they would find a way to make this work.

However, here you have 2 financially stable working adults where one is just trying to get the other to pay extra to support his child so he doesn't have to shoulder the whole expense, even though he can.

If he lost his job and OP was saying "There's no way I'm paying for food for your child while she's here" then that's another story, but that isn't the case and he's very capable of paying for her without asking OP to chip in for everything they do together.

My partner and I have a joint account. He has 0 children and I have 2. We put the same amount of money every month (depends, around 1200 each). We use it to pay for food, rent, bills, days out, theatre, cinema tickets, etc. I pay for school clubs, kid's clothes, school events, toys, presents. It works for us! He says kids love him and treat him as a close relative and he enjoys contributing financially to their life. But we both are high earners