Sharing finances

[pineapplemartini]

Can I ask how you share finances with your DP if they have children from previous relationship?

We are planning to move in together with DP soon. He has DD from a previous relationship. DD is 11 and is with him every weekend and one afternoon during the week.

I would like to set some solid rules as I have been used financially by exH in the past. I'm now super paranoid about it and this is something I want to avoid. But I also want to be fair and not to be petty about money. DP is a saver and I'm saving too.

I earn annually about £7k more than DP (both somewhere between £30k and £40k). So far we have agreed what I suggested, which is having a separate bank account where we will be transferring money for bills every month. DP suggested we both pay 50/50 for household bills.

How would you split food costs knowing that DP eats much more (his words) plus he is having his DD as above (he hasn't mentioned DD when we talked about sharing food costs)? He proposed he is going to do food shopping more often than I but I can see this being a grey area.

How would you pay for regular days out with DSC? Would you share costs 50/50? I join DP and his DD for a day out every week and usually pay half the cost of these trips.

I'm totally not assertive when it comes to money so want to make up my mind before suggesting anything to DP. Would paying for days out 50/50 and letting DP simply do 'more' food shopping will be naive?

@pineapplemartini I think it’s wise to be thinking about all of this now. I also think you need to tackle your discomfort when speaking about finances. Sadly I keep seeing thread after thread on here where people are financially disadvantaged following setting up home with someone who comes to the relationship with children who predate their existing relationship.

Here’s my simply view. If people on here contribute to their SC / partners children or vice versa, and that is their choice? That’s their choice.

My view? I am the only person responsible for ensuring I am as comfortable as possible should a rainy day occur/ as I get older and look to slow down/ retire. I think it is highly doubtful that I will meet someone who looks at me and thinks ‘ohh I’ll give her my money to support her through her old age.’ I could meet the best guy in the world, I wouldn’t expect (in anyway) that he would support me.

On that basis, it’s this simple. Can you afford to keep contributing in this manner towards someone else’s child without it impacting your financial stability? Or would you be far better off saving this money for your own future?

If it’s the latter then you need to talk about this. I wouldn’t expect someone to pick up dinner every other time if most the time my children were there. That’s simply not parity. Nor would I expect someone to go halves on a day out if my kids are there. I cover my kids costs 100%.

You say you’re renting atm, make sure if you ever decide to cohabit / buy a home that you also get legal advice before doing so. If you house a child and latterly divorce, a family court could take that into account in the event of a financial settlement, even though the child is not yours.

Sorry but I think far too many people are taken advantage of these situations. To be clear I preclude the people (as I’ve already said) who are choosing to do this.

Aside from the odd treat/ one off dinner/ I would not consistently be paying for someone else’s child.

@sassbott
I think that it is unfortunate that more women are not taught to embrace your philosophy of financial self sufficiency. The idea that a woman should be prepared ( even though it may not be necessary) to support fully herself and any children that she chooses to have and that a spouse/partner should not be expected to support her retirement is what all parents should be teaching their daughters.

I am always surprised when women take an approach of my time is my time ( particularly when they are being fully supported by a spouse or partner ) but then assuming a his income is an " our" resource.

Many men and women choose to be the sole financial support in a family situation and that is a choice that anyone should be free to make. However, I don't think that women have the right to choose to be poorly or inadequately prepared to fully support both themselves and any children that they choose to have. I see that as the height of irresponsibility to both self and child/children.

Recently, I heard my aunt say to her grandson who is in medical school but dating a young woman who hss not pursued any additional post high school education or training, "if you marry her, could she support any children that you might have should something happen yo you? Would she be prepared to educate them in the manner that you would want or expect should something happen to you? He explained that he would likely have insurance and provisions in place if something were to happen to him prior to his graduating and entering the profession. My aunt replied,," is she prepared to make provisions for you and any children should something happen to her?"" My young cousin was taken back by her questions, but they clearly made him think about potential issues to which he had given no thought.

More self sufficiency on the part of women would reduce concerns about maintenance and support, etc. No child would then be doing without because of a lack of responsibility on the part of either parent.

@Tattler2 as you say I think everyone can have choice. A SP choosing to cover costs for a SC should not be judged. Nor should there be judgement when a SP chooses to keep finances separate and draws boundaries.

Re the wider SAHM vs WOHM Debate goes, it’s not a debate I ever get into on here. Again my view is that the choice is that of the family and no judgement should be made.

My views are not popular on here, or in RL as my exp can attest to. I have been called money obsessed, incorrect priorities, not able to understand the true meaning of partnership/ marriage. I care not one jot. Every penny I spend on a partner or someone else’s children is a penny taken from my pocket/ that of my children.

I also have observed a worrying trend of men increasingly seeking out financially stable women post divorce. Both in RL and based on some threads here. Having had their resources depleted in a divorce, they then actively seek a women with a career/ financial stability / possibly a home. It’s even better if the woman has not previously been through a divorce and is totally blind to the real world impact of financial entanglements. Entanglements that are much more complex as we get older due to both being closer to retirement age and most likely more financially stable than we were in their 20’s.

I now know of two RL examples where two older women in their 60’s are effectively now stuck with their partners (whom they met 10-15 years ago) despite being utterly miserable. They sold their homes and plunged their equity into a joint home. Now retired they have no way (even if they were to remove their equity) of buying another home - they will not be approved for a mortgage so they are stuck. Both curse the day they ever sold their homes and joined their finances.

Their advice is to tell everyone, especially as they get older - if you are ever in the position to buy and retain a property, don’t let it go. And if you cannot afford a ‘joint’ home then essentially continue to do two homes and make it work. I agree wholeheartedly with them. Having worked hard most their lives, what should be happy years? Stolen. Their mental and emotional health is shot.

There is an overriding pressure from society (especially on women) around ‘home’, ‘family’, ‘joint’ and what that should look like. We need to wake up and start putting ourselves first. Stop being afraid of having blunt convos around finances and start saying firm ‘no’s’ far more often if it means we are going to be financially disadvantaged.

And that for me, more than anything, applies here on the SP’ing boards. The SM’a should ruthlessly look out for their own financial stability. Vs being pressured to foot the bill for children whom are not theirs.

Again @sassbott you talk a lot of sense as per ! What I find is because I do help out by choice with SD for various things, people still can't quite grasp why I don't want to tie my finances up in a bow with DH. Especially after marriage, I got a lot well you do x anyway why not do the "proper thing", the thing is I chose to do these things and maintain control because of the split finances. Now if I was to blend finances I wouldn't be choosing to help, I would be expected to help and it wouldn't swing in around abouts as I am the higher earner vastly.

Thing is I'm sure if my income was lower people would be advocating for DH to keep finances separate "just in case". The rule it seems is only applied if SM can or had the resources to feather the nest more and won't be seen as a financial detractor from any current resources going. If the latter and shock horror wants to be a SAHM then you hit a real level of anger.

I was told last night that the ex DM was asking if I would be a SAHM and if so I bloody better not think that would mean I didn't have financial commitments and put any of that on my DH.. and it would be better for all involved if I stayed working so not to detract from the financial situation for DSC 😵‍💫 she was a SAHM for 5 years but that option apparently is something I gave up when I became a SM ! Who knew. Anyway DH told her to jog on with her good self and now I can tell she's deeply worried that's the plan.

Ironically I would go nuts if SAHM (all the power to the women who do it because it looks fucking brutal), I could explain this to her but you know, given the situation I'm in I'm kinda not to fussed about filling her in.

Also frankly I'm to much of control freak to not earn a living of some kind , I value my independence fiercely .

@candlelightsatdawn my DH's ex has successfully petitioned the CMS to take DH to court because I have a new car. She told them it's his and he's living above his means. It's a company car, comes with my role. She's written to the judge to say that because of my income he should have to pay more. More than the £900 pcm he already pays.

I know this divides opinion on MN, in that some people do (absurdly) believe that my income should be considered when calculating CMS but, clearly this is bonkers.

When his ex quit work in 2009, to be a full time wife, in preparedness for being a full time mother (they started a family in 2012), I was working on secondment in California, making a kick ass career woman of myself.
At that point, nobody called me up and asked me if I would be okay with this woman quitting work, because in 13 years, I would be expected to support her financially. Nobody rang me up and told me that someone else was starting a family and I better gird my loins to make 18 years of child support payments on their baby.

Let's be reasonable, I adore my step children and I often find myself spending money on them. Out of choice. How dare someone try to make me legally obligated to them. How dare someone be pricing me up.

Of course, she'll be laughed out of the court room. But it's the absolute cheek of it.

The rule it seems is only applied if SM can or had the resources to feather the nest more and won't be seen as a financial detractor from any current resources going

@candlelightsatdawn spot on.

With you, your issue seems to be the EXW. For me it was my exp. He very much viewed my financial security as a way to feather his nest. And became increasingly incandescent when I made it perfectly clear that my finances would be ruthlessly ringfenced from both him and his children.

I have no issue with choice. I have immense issues with entitled parents expecting my money to provide for their children. And with grown men expecting my money to provide for them. 🙄

Then we get the multiple threads on here, ‘would you think about the children’ if a SP can afford more for their DC. My thoughts? ‘You think about your children thank you. And I’ll think about mine. If there isn’t parity, that isn’t for me to make it up. Especially at the expense of my personal financial security.’

I was told last night that the ex DM was asking if I would be a SAHM and if so I bloody better not think that would mean I didn't have financial commitments and put any of that on my DH.. and it would be better for all involved if I stayed working so not to detract from the financial situation for DSC 😵‍💫 she was a SAHM for 5 years but that option apparently is something I gave up when I became a SM ! Who knew. Anyway DH told her to jog on with her good self and now I can tell she's deeply worried that's the plan.

I have no words, reading this! Wow. Sounds like you have it sorted though.

@PeeAche agghhhhhh why do they do it ?! It's a baffling state of mind - all over a car ? 😑😑😑 has she gotten worse since your news ? Because mine certainly has amped up the money requests since we told her and DSD 🙄

@sassbott again who teaches them this level of entitlement? Where does it come from because even if there's a personality disorder at play for instance, if that's spotted and managed at a young age it wouldn't be as potent. Did your ex always have his eyes on the prize or was it a drip drip ?

@tiredofthisshit21 I mean it's moot point because of how I feel around work and income but imagine if I didn't feel like that. It's about control essentially which is why I could go and say I'm returning to work after my mat leave ... but I may leave it a for year or so dangling until she's brave enough to approach me.

I'm quite cross actually it's a massive overstep.

Every penny I spend on a partner or someone else’s children is a penny taken from my pocket/ that of my children. @sassbott this is key for me. My child does not deserve less from me because mum has made her life choices. I choose to work and earn well for me and my DC. Not to subsidise someone else's.

This is already a problem & its niggling in the back if your mind, you have barely even begun yet !!!

I would say he needs to pay his child's costs, this includes, all meals & days out, holidays, clothes, school stuff.
Obviously not every single ice cream..
If you are renting a flat with an extra bedroom to accommodate her, it should be at his expense.
You may love him but you are not his banker