Sharing finances

[pineapplemartini]

Can I ask how you share finances with your DP if they have children from previous relationship?

We are planning to move in together with DP soon. He has DD from a previous relationship. DD is 11 and is with him every weekend and one afternoon during the week.

I would like to set some solid rules as I have been used financially by exH in the past. I'm now super paranoid about it and this is something I want to avoid. But I also want to be fair and not to be petty about money. DP is a saver and I'm saving too.

I earn annually about £7k more than DP (both somewhere between £30k and £40k). So far we have agreed what I suggested, which is having a separate bank account where we will be transferring money for bills every month. DP suggested we both pay 50/50 for household bills.

How would you split food costs knowing that DP eats much more (his words) plus he is having his DD as above (he hasn't mentioned DD when we talked about sharing food costs)? He proposed he is going to do food shopping more often than I but I can see this being a grey area.

How would you pay for regular days out with DSC? Would you share costs 50/50? I join DP and his DD for a day out every week and usually pay half the cost of these trips.

I'm totally not assertive when it comes to money so want to make up my mind before suggesting anything to DP. Would paying for days out 50/50 and letting DP simply do 'more' food shopping will be naive?

It is not that I offer to pay, he would ask would I mind paying for dinner today because he paid last time hmm.. I think he is forgetting that his child costs money. I can understand WHY it makes sense to just take it in turns but I think if his child is there he should be either asking you to pay for your own or paying for you all. Not asking you to pay for his child. That doesn't sit right with me.

Don't move in together, your boyfriend sounds mean and penny pinching if he's arguing over who pays for doughnuts and who pays for the meal...surely he wants to spend money on his DD. And going into precise details about the costs of days out etc sounds far too controlling, who is suggesting moving in? I assume it's him and he is expecting cooking, housekeeping, childcare and sexual favours.

Just don't do it .. retain your independence and own home and finances and 'date' if you enjoy his company. Read the hundreds of threads on here about step parenting where it all goes wrong.

We just have a joint account and everything is joint. If I feel he's blowing too much on any of the children, (or anything at all for that matter) I just say so and he can either reign it in or put it on his personal credit card, for which he is responsible. Usually he does the former. We have no set amounts, percentages or contributions. But we're old and we've been at this a long time. Our finances are so intrinsically linked that I don't even know where to begin unpicking them. (I do work and earn around the same as my husband)

My DH and I commit many step parenting atrocities that other women on this forum would hang me out to dry for.
Such as:

When introducing my step children, I call them my children or just "my family" (They do not call me Mum);
My parents spend as much on them as on any of their biological grandchildren for Christmas and birthdays;
I drive my stepchildren places, wash their clothes, help them with homework and prepare them meals. If they are late, dirty or rude, I tell them so;
I reprimand them for bad behaviour. I remove privileges if they are behaving like little pricks;
If they ask me for money, I give it to them without thinking about it as "mine" because everything is just family pot;
We kiss and cuddle often and say "I love you" and mean it;
I will quite often cancel my own plans in order to do something with or for my step children;
My step children are listed as equal beneficiaries in my will.

At your stage in the relationship, we just split things less-than-equally. I think we initially agreed on something like 60/40 in my favour. But I also lived rent free in his house for the first few years.

We have a joint account that we each put money in every month. I generally put in slightly more because I earn a lot more money than my SO. I'm commission based so it varies.

We pay everything from the joint account if it's something we're doing together. Dinners out, days out with stepson, grocery shopping, bills, etc. We recently had to replace stepson's bed, which was paid for from the joint account. So I suppose I generally pay slightly more because I put more money in. I also sometimes pay for toys from my personal account just because I can't help myself.

We know we will marry at some point so finances will be joint anyway. And I'm of the opinion that I entered into this relationship knowing the ins and outs and I want my stepson to feel like I love him as if he were my own. I however realise that this is not always possible in every family setup. But you have to figure out what works for you both. Arguing over finances is often the cause for breakups, so every way you decide to do it is valid, as long as you're both on the same page.

We know we will marry at some point so finances will be joint anyway whilst this is a perfectly valid way of looking at finances when married I just wanted to point out they don't have to be fully joined when you get married. Ours aren't.

Like PP said I'd sort it before you move in. His reaction to the conversation will tell you a lot.

When introducing my step children, I call them my children or just "my family" (They do not call me Mum);
My parents spend as much on them as on any of their biological grandchildren for Christmas and birthdays;
I drive my stepchildren places, wash their clothes, help them with homework and prepare them meals. If they are late, dirty or rude, I tell them so;
I reprimand them for bad behaviour. I remove privileges if they are behaving like little pricks;
If they ask me for money, I give it to them without thinking about it as "mine" because everything is just family pot;
We kiss and cuddle often and say "I love you" and mean it;
I will quite often cancel my own plans in order to do something with or for my step children;
My step children are listed as equal beneficiaries in my will.

@PeeAche - bothers me to no end that this is considered stepparenting atrocities, as it's exactly how my household is structured and behaves as well, and everyone involved thinks this is normal. I wouldn't have it any other way.

whilst this is a perfectly valid way of looking at finances when married I just wanted to point out they don't have to be fully joined when you get married. Ours aren't.

If I'm honest I haven't looked into post-marriage finances in too much detail! But that is a good point.

@PeeAche I can't think of anyone on this forum who would think of any of that as atrocities, tbf. Just that they are not, as they are so often presented, reasonable expectations if the person in the step parent role isn't on board and instigating.

🙄

I've paid for our holiday this year, including for my DH's two children. I don't really feel this is unreasonable as I earn more, I don't see it as him taking the piss either - I see it as me paying to take our family on holiday. My SC live with me 50% of the time as do my own DC. While I don't really treat them 'as my own' I don't really see anything wrong with contributing to them every now and again.

@PeeAche

🙄

What's that supposed to mean?

@CornishGem1975

I've paid for our holiday this year, including for my DH's two children. I don't really feel this is unreasonable as I earn more, I don't see it as him taking the piss either - I see it as me paying to take our family on holiday. My SC live with me 50% of the time as do my own DC. While I don't really treat them 'as my own' I don't really see anything wrong with contributing to them every now and again.

Yes I feel this is fine as long as it is what you want to do. If your DH had put any pressure on you to do so or just assumed you would without any conversations early on in your relationship then that is a different matter.

In our household we have a joint account for living expenses and we otherwise maintain separate finances. We do not bother about itemizing line items within our household expenses . We simply split it 50/50. He may eat more than me, but I cannot tolerate heat and I keep the house much cooler than he would on his own. Thus if he consumes more food than I do, I generate more utility cost than he does. It works out to our satisfaction, and no one feels put up or used.
We each have kids, and they eat as much or little as they each prefer. Again household food is a shared cost and neither of us monitors individual cost. I would find that beyond annoying.

To equalize things if you must, you might start of by putting the difference in your monthly or annual income directly into your savings account, and only put an amount equivalent to what he brings to the table in play. If you view the child's food cost and splitting the cost of the occasional outing to be burdensome, you should say that to him directly and in clear terms before you move in together. If your views are significantly different, perhaps living apart may be best for your relationship.

Yes I feel this is fine as long as it is what you want to do. If your DH had put any pressure on you to do so or just assumed you would without any conversations early on in your relationship then that is a different matter.

Agreed, although apparently that's an eye roll inducing thing to say!

He may eat more than me, but I cannot tolerate heat and I keep the house much cooler than he would on his own. Thus if he consumes more food than I do, I generate more utility cost than he does.

You must not be in the UK as I don't think I've ever heard anyone here complain that it's not cold enough hahaha

Different people will have all sorts of different opinions about the details of splitting finances. But I’m getting the sense that underpinning all of this is OP’s feeling that he’s taking the piss a little bit. Might there be a general sense of entitlement to your time and money that is rubbing you up the wrong way OP? This is the thing you need to address.

@QuirkyTurtle
No I am not in the UK. Our winters are pretty cold, but I cannot tolerate heat at all, and I need circulating air on a round basis. I am actually very comfortable in the cold climate.

OP, in the real world, there is nothing for which you are charged less because you earn less. Thus, the idea that you should contribute less to household expenses because you earn less has never made much sense to me. The utility companies or home owners insurance do not pro rate cost based upon your earnings, why then is it fair to think that a partner should pay less than you simply because you earn less?

All our wages go into a joint account so my sons costs go out of their as well.

I have a son and we have a daughter together, so it would be a hassle for me to pay for myself and 1.5 children while he pays for himself and .5 of a child, far too much faff, especially on days out.

I'd be ok with splitting the food 50/50, however I think things like holidays, birthdays, Christmas and big ticket items etc your dp needs to pay for his ds. There's a post in relationships recently where this has cropped up and the dp expected the op to pay half the holiday costs for her sc. I'd also suggest you talk about splitting things for your own dc if you're planning for them in the future as your dp will also have to pay 50% for any dc you have together

@Tattler2

OP, in the real world, there is nothing for which you are charged less because you earn less. Thus, the idea that you should contribute less to household expenses because you earn less has never made much sense to me. The utility companies or home owners insurance do not pro rate cost based upon your earnings, why then is it fair to think that a partner should pay less than you simply because you earn less?

That's a very valid point in my opinion and strong argument for paying bills / rent equally as a default.

If I decide now I want to save more and from now on I want to cover only my own costs for trips we are going with his DD, that isn't going to be CF is it?

I remember at the beginning we mostly used to go to parks, free events and it was one once in a few months we went somewhere where we paid for entrance. As time went on DP started suggesting more and more of these, we have also started eating out more when DD is over. I went along with it because it is nice to do something different but costs add up.

His DD is lovely and I don't mind buying her toys or taking her out for treats occasionally. But as you noticed, it is different when you want to do it and different when you are expected to.

@pineapplemartini it really depends on what you feel comfortable doing.

One persons comfort zone is not another, comfort level zones will change over time. The problem occurs when insidiously costs start going up without a discussion.

I would say DP I want to start saving more would you mind if we reign in our spending a bit, I might have to dial back on contributing half of these days out for SC but I can still cover the cost of my ticket if you guys still want me to come.
Then stop talking.

We always paid 60/40 with me probably footing more of the extras as I'm the higher earner and run the family finances so it seems fair for our family and money is kept separate.

You don't need to justify it other than this is what I want to do and how I plan to do it.

To blend finances or not blend finances isn't a emotive thing, one is not better than the other despite the society view "of your not in a real marriage unless your finances are tied completely together". It's just personal choice, neither right or wrong.

I would say DP I want to start saving more would you mind if we reign in our spending a bit, I might have to dial back on contributing half of these days out for SC but I can still cover the cost of my ticket if you guys still want me to come.
Then stop talking.

This sounds absolutely perfect to me. I mean really you shouldn't have to justify it but I know why you might want it to sound softer than "I'm not paying for your kid you cheeky moo".

@pineapplemartini

If I decide now I want to save more and from now on I want to cover only my own costs for trips we are going with his DD, that isn't going to be CF is it?

I remember at the beginning we mostly used to go to parks, free events and it was one once in a few months we went somewhere where we paid for entrance. As time went on DP started suggesting more and more of these, we have also started eating out more when DD is over. I went along with it because it is nice to do something different but costs add up.

His DD is lovely and I don't mind buying her toys or taking her out for treats occasionally. But as you noticed, it is different when you want to do it and different when you are expected to.

No it wouldn't be CF, if anything it's definitely the other way around, and his reaction will be very telling. If you explain it to him as kindly as you have done here there is absolutely no reason for him to object to this.

Bear in mind that this forum is littered with examples of parents expecting their partners to pay half for everything- holidays, days out, increasingly lavish birthday/Christmas presents the step parent had no say in choosing and would never have opted for. A lot of people take the piss majorly, and if they start off with an "it's fair for you to pay/do half" mentality that's likely to translate into all things, and also turn into "you're a bad person if you don't". Better to find out now if that's what he's going to be like before you're stuck!