Is this "Disney Dadding?"

[OneSolitaryCornflake]

Hi I'm trying to get my head around something it's only small thing so don't tell me to LTB!

Everytime my DSC are here the "nice food" gets bought the cupboard is suddenly full of snacks, treats and the fruit bowl is filled up with allsorts. But when they aren't here we are basically living frugally and rarely have these treats. Is this fair on our shared DC? Or is it Disney dadding?

I kind of see ah ok fair enough every two weeks the nice treats come out but it seems a bit unfair that we just get the basics the rest of the time. Or am I waaaay over thinking this?

You’re not overthinking it. And your children will notice.

It doesn’t so much matter if it’s Disney dadding (it could well be, but that is about the bigger picture of every contact weekend having to be like a trip to Disneyworld).

What matters is that your children are being treated like second class citizens. They are allowed to get nice things if their half siblings are there but not if they aren’t. It’s like how servants were treated on public holidays in the 18th century.

Thank you.i think because DC is a toddler it's only just sort of clicked now that this doesn't feel quite fair. Like ooh DSC are here BRING OUT THE PINEAPPLE. That sort of thing. Like royalty.

Yes. That’s not ok.

It’s not really a small thing either. So have a chat about it before it feels like a really big thing.

Ok will do thanks so much

On the face of it, it doesn't sound fair, but I have a few questions:

1. do your shared children get to eat the treats when the DSC have them?

2. could you afford to buy that stuff all of the time, rather than just when you have all of the children there?

3. if you did buy it all of the time, would your children actually consume enough for it to be worth it?

I can see an argument that if you can only afford treats some of the time, then it makes sense to get them in when all of the family's children will be there. I get nice snacks and treats in when DS1 is coming home from uni, for example. If he's not letting your shared DC have any, that's different of course.

Depends on the age of your child.

There was a thread on here the other day where the OP was complaining that her dp/dh had spent a fortune on the dsc's birthday and a big party but then had contributed nothing to the shared dc's birthday because he had overspent and not saved any money for them.
I think you need to have a word and nip this in the bud now.

1) do your shared children get to eat the treats when the DSC have them? not all of them as DC is only 2.

2) could you afford to buy that stuff all of the time, rather than just when you have all of the children there? only if we got a bit less when they were here. Like I'm thinking do they need so many treats? They could have less and then that way we can have little treats when they aren't here and spread them out.

3) if you did buy it all of the time, would your children actually consume enough for it to be worth it? some of it, we could buy less and spread it over the two weeks rather than a buy everything all when they are here for the weekend and then find some of it ends up going to mums for them to eat at school.

But when they aren't here we are basically living frugally and rarely have these treats

Why are you living frugally? Is it a joint decision? Is money an issue? Or have you both decided that is the way you want to live?

@RightOnTheEdge that sounds awful. We're quite good with the finances at the moment. But yeah I think I need a little chat with DH sooner rather than later

@TooMuchPaper

But when they aren't here we are basically living frugally and rarely have these treats

Why are you living frugally? Is it a joint decision? Is money an issue? Or have you both decided that is the way you want to live?

We have decided we want to budget to save for uni fees.

Who decides how family money is spent?

Ah so I should make clear when I say we can't afford them I mean from our food budget. We could increase this but then there would be less for other things like holiday fund and uni fees.

University fees for your shared 2 year old? Or your husband's older children? or all of the children?

Sorry for all the questions but how much roughly is being spent when the children are there? And does your dh pay proper maintenance?

Hmm. It doesn't actually sound as though he's doing anything wrong to me. Getting some nice snacks in for his older children who are there for the weekend is pretty normal, and your 2yo isn't really missing out on much. Not everything a father does to make an effort to welcome his children is "Disney dadding".

We both sat down and did the budget but DH does the food shopping when DSC are coming(one is super fussy and it got too much for me to remember if they ate peas this month etc) and we take it in turns the rest of the time. DH gets carried away and goes ooh DSC are coming so I got a pineapple and a watermelon and blueberries and chocolate and pringles. And then when they aren't here it's apples and bananas and maybe a packet of custard creams.

I think its nice to get like a nice pizza and a few snacks for a film night or something but he gets a bit carried away with "making sure they have a good time" I think.

@TooMuchPaper

University fees for your shared 2 year old? Or your husband's older children? or all of the children?

All of them. It's a rather confusing spreadsheet and I've made sure DC is getting their fair share based on having two parents contributing.

@sadpapercourtesan fair enough thank you. It is the kind of triumphant THE DSC ARE COMING so I've got all this nice food that I think bugs me. As if the rest of us aren't worthy of a pineapple lol

@TooMuchPaper

Sorry for all the questions but how much roughly is being spent when the children are there? And does your dh pay proper maintenance?

It's about £30 extra when they are here for the 2 dsc vs when they aren't I think. Yes he does. He sends them home with some of the treats too as mum doesn't like buying them

What on Earth does maintenance have to do with spending £30 on special snacks because the SC are coming?

It is Disney dadding and there are two problems with this:

1. your child is being treated like they aren’t as important
2. your DSC are learning from that experience they should expect to be treated that way. That isn’t how life works and so by providing them with a special status at your house, I don’t really see how it is providing proper parenting and hence is Disney dadding.

And I know I will get a lot of negative comments but you don’t have to buy all of these extra things to make children feel welcome, that is about being kind and warm and including them in activities, making them feel part of the family, not the most important people in the room.

@NewYear8909 that's what I was thinking. Like making them feel welcome isn't about making them feel like extra special guests, it's about making it feel normal that they are here.

If a father in an intact nuclear consisting of 3 children says to his children " I want you guys to have ice cream on some weekends but I will only purchase the ice cream at a time when you are all in the house and can share the ice cream, is he a Disney dad; or is he simply ensuring that he provides the limited treats that he us going to provide at a time in which all of his children can get a share of the treats?

Is there a reason will the OP cannot purchase the occasional treat during the week if she feels that her child needs those treats at a time when his or her other siblings are not present?
Is a child really likely to care who purchases the occasional threats. I don't think that my children have ever cared or bothered to ask "who purchased these cookies or who bought this ice cream, pizza or whatever?

If the pattern is that dad buys treats on the weekends that all of his children are present , what is the worse that the kids can say? Dad ,why do you go out of your way to ensure that you give us the same things at the same time , how horrible is that?"

Why would a child who gets exactly the same things at the same time as his other siblings feel that he is being denied anything? No one would suggest that a father waiting to buy something for his children in an intact nuclear family was favoring one child over the other, instead they would likely see him as providing for all at the same time as an effort to ensure that all had the opportunity to partake in a household treat.

Not every action has a nefarious intent. Sometimes it is just away to do for all at the same time.

Definitely, boundaries are great things for children and Disney dadding is a horrible term because most of the time dads are trying to do their best by over compensating. But the problem is that isn’t parenting, and you can offer a child firm boundaries and prepare them for the world whilst being very loving and kind, but if you take a step back and think about what your values are, and what you what to teach your children, and then implement rules accordingly, you’ll be doing great. Problem with families that separate is guilt and then with the best will in the world you lose sight of the fact you are parenting and just end up appeasing the child.