Is this "Disney Dadding?"

[OneSolitaryCornflake]

Hi I'm trying to get my head around something it's only small thing so don't tell me to LTB!

Everytime my DSC are here the "nice food" gets bought the cupboard is suddenly full of snacks, treats and the fruit bowl is filled up with allsorts. But when they aren't here we are basically living frugally and rarely have these treats. Is this fair on our shared DC? Or is it Disney dadding?

I kind of see ah ok fair enough every two weeks the nice treats come out but it seems a bit unfair that we just get the basics the rest of the time. Or am I waaaay over thinking this?

@Tattler2

If a father in an intact nuclear consisting of 3 children says to his children " I want you guys to have ice cream on some weekends but I will only purchase the ice cream at a time when you are all in the house and can share the ice cream, is he a Disney dad; or is he simply ensuring that he provides the limited treats that he us going to provide at a time in which all of his children can get a share of the treats?

Is there a reason will the OP cannot purchase the occasional treat during the week if she feels that her child needs those treats at a time when his or her other siblings are not present?
Is a child really likely to care who purchases the occasional threats. I don't think that my children have ever cared or bothered to ask "who purchased these cookies or who bought this ice cream, pizza or whatever?

If the pattern is that dad buys treats on the weekends that all of his children are present , what is the worse that the kids can say? Dad ,why do you go out of your way to ensure that you give us the same things at the same time , how horrible is that?"

Why would a child who gets exactly the same things at the same time as his other siblings feel that he is being denied anything? No one would suggest that a father waiting to buy something for his children in an intact nuclear family was favoring one child over the other, instead they would likely see him as providing for all at the same time as an effort to ensure that all had the opportunity to partake in a household treat.

Not every action has a nefarious intent. Sometimes it is just away to do for all at the same time.

It’s not an intact nuclear family though.

And the OP is clear that it’s a family budget.

Hi @Tattler2 thank you. I think my worry is with this bit:

If the pattern is that dad buys treats on the weekends that all of his children are present , what is the worse that the kids can say? Dad ,why do you go out of your way to ensure that you give us the same things at the same time , how horrible is that?"

I worry that DC might very well think "why do we only have the treats when DSC are here, am I not enough by myself"

Is it possible that he is being passive aggressive because he feels burdened by solely doing the food shopping for DSC weekend instead of taking turns as you normally do, if you refused to do it?

For the record, I don’t think there’s an issue with you not doing it.

Not every action has a nefarious intent. Sometimes it is just away to do for all at the same time. sorry I had to look up what nefarious meant. I don't think there is a nefarious intent. Just that it might not be the best approach.

It is Disney Dad behaviour and it's not fair on your shared ds. Maybe on the weekends they don't come, you can get some sort of treat for ds? It doesn't have to be expensive or as much as when sc come but something could be nice ?

OP I think you have every right to be annoyed. This would really bug me also. My DP has a DS and I have a DD and it bugs me when we have to make a whole fuss when DSS comes. I agree that they shouldn’t the made to feel like special guests, it should just feel normal.

@BananaBlue

Is it possible that he is being passive aggressive because he feels burdened by solely doing the food shopping for DSC weekend instead of taking turns as you normally do, if you refused to do it?

For the record, I don’t think there’s an issue with you not doing it.

Oh no nothing like that. He likes doing it and them comes home with all these treats haha 😄 maybe that's it he gets carried away so I should make him do all the shopping!! It just got a bit hard for me to do it as I'd get stuff and not realise one of the DSC had gone vegan for the month or the other is having issues with Tinned tomatoes etc.

@cherryonthecakes hello thank you I think this is a good idea. Spread the treats out a bit and maybe they don't need so many for just a weekend and in the holidays they can have a few more or something. Mum doesn't like buying them for them either so they take some home to her so we don't need as many as I feel that encroaches on what mum wants to feed them if that makes sense.

Fair enough.

Maybe sit down and have a chat about evening out the shopping bill a bit instead of feast and famine?

Yes that sounds a plan @BananaBlue thank you.

Ps. I love your name there was a shop I used to go into when I was younger called Blue Banana and it sold incense.

It’s likely to cause trouble between the siblings.

• DSC will assume that shared DC gets these treats all the time when they only get them EOW
• your DC will resent being second class citizens

Perhaps compromise by having Saturday night treats whether or not DSC are there.

- DSC will assume that shared DC gets these treats all the time when they only get them EOW oh I didn't think of that! That could cause major issues if they think we're living it up (so to speak).

How old are your DCs?

I meant that a 2yo doesn't know the relative costs of things so on the weekends that dsc don't come, you can still treat him at low cost. For example he normally has apples and bananas so would find sucking on orange segments like they do in sports matches novel and therefore a treat. A whole extra orange wouldn't cost much extra.

Does DH ever do the shopping when DSC are not coming? (Sorry if you have already answered) if so does he ever treat DC? Also would you honestly eat a full pineapple between three or does it make more sense when five people will be eating it?

@OneSolitaryCornflake
If the pattern is that certain food treats are what happens when all of the children are present that be does the routine and not something equated with personal value, Much like birthday cake, as terrific as it is, you only have it on birthdays.

If your child feels loved and cared for by both parents, it is unlikely that he will associate or define his worth by an experience that is shared with all of his siblings. If you are looking for a unique experience that he can share with his dad, why not have Wednesday's be the day that he and dad read a book together at bed time? This or something similar can be a tradition/activity that is shared just between the 2 of them. This type of unique child and parent activity is something that parents can and should do with each of their children. It allows parents to get to know each of their children as individuals and it reinforces the awareness that your parents are you as both an individual as well as s part of the whole. Knowing and relating to your child as an individual is not all tied to the day of the week that you designate for collective experiences. A child growing up in a healthy and loving environment is perfectly capable of understanding the concept of both individual and collective experiences and does not feel threatened or marginalized by either type of experience

If your husband loves all of his children and takes them time to let each of them know that they are loved and cared for, they are not going to feel insecure by only eating pineapple every other weekend. They will be grounded by knowing that my father knows and loves me and my siblings as well.

Hi there @Tattler2 and apologies if I have missed what you are saying in your post. I don't really want it to be a pattern of "fun food" every time the DSC are here but when they are not it is boring food. I don't think that is healthy. I can understand having a pizza or something when they are here as that is bonding sharing food.

Also its not just a pineapple. But tbh why can't DC eat pineapple the rest of the time. Ffs it comes in tins.

Anyway.. I digress I feel. Thank you for all the helpful comments . @FawnFrenchieMum sorry yes we both do it the rest of the time but there is a definite oooh the DDC are coming I best stock up on treats vibe. He goes the day before they get here. I feel he needs to reign it in a bit. Also a bit worried about the health implications if DC gets used to eating healthy then every other weekend pretty much is treats. I know I said about the fruit but there's also so many crisps and chocolates and pepperarmys I dont know if they are healthy.

The birthday cake example actually illustrates the exact opposite of what you think it does. Birthday cakes are special. Your birthday is a special day where you get special treat food (and it is all about you).

Only having treats when the SC are there is like saying that their weekends are special and the ones where it’s only the resident child are not.

That’s not a good pattern for any of the children to grow up with.

@OneSolitaryCornflake if the SC’s mum doesn’t like giving them lots of treats, your husband is being a bit of a dick by going all out on treats in the supermarket and even buying too much so he sends the children back to their mum’s with the treat.

That is shitty Disney dad behaviour of the kind that (quite rightly) annoys resident parents. The NRP can just shower the kids in treats because he doesn’t have to do the boring, everyday stuff. And then he’s sending them back to yours with treats in some kind of passive aggressive making mum look like the mean one move.

I'd make sure you always have some nice fruit etc other weekends, too, if you can't afford it all week long. That way it's 'we have nice fruit at weekends' rather than 'we only get nice things when SC are here'. The fact that the SC take the leftovers to mums is a bit off, I think. That seems as if it is 'special' food for them, rather than food for everyone.

I think it is a good idea to discuss the difference in weekends when SC are there, and when they aren't. These kinds of things could lead to your child feeling less deserving, or important, and like fun things can't happen unless SC are there, when actually they are just as important. Maybe speak to DP about spreading the fun and treats more evenly. That really wouldn't mean spending much, or take away from him having quality time.

£30 extra in snacks for one weekend when you are living frugally the rest of the time is actually a huge difference.

I wouldn't say it's Disney dad but certainly not okay towards you and your children. You shouldn't have to live frugally except when your DSC are around.

He's behaving normally - this is not over the top and it's you that sounds problematic. Some nice fruit in the fruit bowl and a few treats in the cupboard when he's excited that his kids are there is entirely proportionate and quite sweet.

If you would like there yo be treats in the house more often, include some in the shopping - a pineapple a week plus a six-pack of crisps - your uni savings pot can take that hit! Live your life! Clearly the level of savings is too high, as it is causing you to resent your DSC some nice fruit. To be really clear, what you are describing is not Disney parenting.

I agree with PPs, taking them back to their Mums is weird.
Firstly, it screams it's DSC food not family food as they take it out the house and it doesn't come back, meaning nothing left for joint DS.
Secondly, I would be pissed off as the RP who does most the parenting to make a decision such as no junk food and the kids being brought back to me with carrier bags laden after every visit. Therefore the Mum has to either give them treats she doesn't want to, or throw them away and deal with the fallout.

Sending the DSC home with the leftovers is very Disney.
The rest of it - I think fair enough to mainly have treats when everyone is there but it sounds like he spends too much. If you don’t eat it all then it’s definitely too much. And yes you deserve treats at other times.
I’d set a treat budget for when the DSC are with you and a treat budget for when they are not here.
And have a general chat about living a more normal family life when they visit. Do they do chores??

If the kids mum doesn’t like to buy the treats, sending the dsc home with food that could and should stay with the household that bought it seems very passive aggressive