Is this "Disney Dadding?"

[OneSolitaryCornflake]

Hi I'm trying to get my head around something it's only small thing so don't tell me to LTB!

Everytime my DSC are here the "nice food" gets bought the cupboard is suddenly full of snacks, treats and the fruit bowl is filled up with allsorts. But when they aren't here we are basically living frugally and rarely have these treats. Is this fair on our shared DC? Or is it Disney dadding?

I kind of see ah ok fair enough every two weeks the nice treats come out but it seems a bit unfair that we just get the basics the rest of the time. Or am I waaaay over thinking this?

@OnlyaFleshWound

Having loads of snacks in in no way makes up for parents not being together, and it's causing minor inconvenience to the rest of the household at present. The "do you think this matters more than having seperated parents" line is used frequently on this forum and is extremely reductive as it can be used to shut down conversation about anything. No, of course it isn't worse than that, but it also isn't going to fix that, so it's about as relevant as saying "do you think this is worse than people dying of starvation in third world countries".

You're using it as a trump card, but if used every time a SP or RC has an issue, it just completely removes their ability to have a say in or change anything in their lives.

It's an enormous eye roll of a comment.

Right this weekend's treats: (probably outing but who cares)

Popcorn
Blueberries, raspberries, kiwi
Pepperamys
Cheese strings
Pringles
Those stackable lunchable things
12 crisp packets
Pizza & Dough balls
Big slab of galaxy
Cola
3 packets of harribo

@aSofaNearYou. Thank you for your sensible comment I agree. I admitted at the start this isn't a massive big issue. I don't resent it. I don't hate anyone.

He is trying to overcompensate to show your stepchild that he is loved as much as your real child, but in the process he is showing the opposite to your child.

Kids aren't stupid, they notice this kind of thing. Agree that having it sent back to his mum's house is disrespectful both to your own child AND stepchild's mum. She also has to have a say in what snacks are in her house.

If the money for the treats is there, I don't see any logical reason why it can't be spread out during the whole fortnight (and maybe make sure your stepchild's favourite snacks are there on their weekend). I honestly can't see any reason at all (that isn't stepparent blaming) for this not to be the case.

Sorry by 'real child' I obviously meant your biological child, I didn't mean for that to come across insensitive so I hope no one takes it that way.

I think I'd increase the food budget so that there is always some nice fruit and snacks in. I'd also have a word with DH, either not sending any snacks back or just 1 or 2 for the journey or something. When the snacks are always in the cupboard it will feel different for everybody, less like a welcome banquet and more like just being comfy at home.

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Right this weekend's treats: (probably outing but who cares)

Popcorn
Blueberries, raspberries, kiwi
Pepperamys
Cheese strings
Pringles
Those stackable lunchable things
12 crisp packets
Pizza & Dough balls
Big slab of galaxy
Cola
3 packets of harribo

Eek! That’s a lot. Quite apart from fairness…For their sake I wouldn’t get that much for one weekend. Aren’t they SLT high from all the sugar?!

sky high not SLT

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Right this weekend's treats: (probably outing but who cares)

Popcorn
Blueberries, raspberries, kiwi
Pepperamys
Cheese strings
Pringles
Those stackable lunchable things
12 crisp packets
Pizza & Dough balls
Big slab of galaxy
Cola
3 packets of harribo

I agree this is excessive if you normally don't have anything of that nature, and could easily be spread out. They certainly don't need more than a couple of those things in a day! It's a nicely stocked kiddy fridge just to have a couple/few of those things.

Leftover treats get sent back with them? Why? They come, they eat whatever at yours and go back to mum and eat whatever she provides. Some of those treats will last so you can have them the other weekends when dsc aren’t with you which will help with budgeting. I get he wants to spoil them a little, and you are happy with that too but now ds is getting older just need to rethink how to spread it out a little

@Tattler2

If a father in an intact nuclear consisting of 3 children says to his children " I want you guys to have ice cream on some weekends but I will only purchase the ice cream at a time when you are all in the house and can share the ice cream, is he a Disney dad; or is he simply ensuring that he provides the limited treats that he us going to provide at a time in which all of his children can get a share of the treats?

Is there a reason will the OP cannot purchase the occasional treat during the week if she feels that her child needs those treats at a time when his or her other siblings are not present?
Is a child really likely to care who purchases the occasional threats. I don't think that my children have ever cared or bothered to ask "who purchased these cookies or who bought this ice cream, pizza or whatever?

If the pattern is that dad buys treats on the weekends that all of his children are present , what is the worse that the kids can say? Dad ,why do you go out of your way to ensure that you give us the same things at the same time , how horrible is that?"

Why would a child who gets exactly the same things at the same time as his other siblings feel that he is being denied anything? No one would suggest that a father waiting to buy something for his children in an intact nuclear family was favoring one child over the other, instead they would likely see him as providing for all at the same time as an effort to ensure that all had the opportunity to partake in a household treat.

Not every action has a nefarious intent. Sometimes it is just away to do for all at the same time.

Excellent response

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Right this weekend's treats: (probably outing but who cares)

Popcorn
Blueberries, raspberries, kiwi
Pepperamys
Cheese strings
Pringles
Those stackable lunchable things
12 crisp packets
Pizza & Dough balls
Big slab of galaxy
Cola
3 packets of harribo

Going to disagree with the majority but I think your DH buying treats for when DSC come is OK.

Looking at the list above, it's clearly not stuff you'll be feeding your LO every day and nor from the sound of it do the DSC get treats like this every day at their mum's. At least I hope this is the case otherwise it sounds quite unhealthy!!

For a weekend every fortnight though, it's probably OK. So in your particular circumstances, all the children (including your LO) get a bit of a fortnightly 'treat blowout' when they're all together at their dad's but otherwise live fairly frugally and healthily in their separate houses.

In that case, the only bit I'd object to is the DSC taking treats home (which is disrespectful to their mum as well as annoying for you). Your DH should plan better so he buys the right amount of treats for the weekend and doesn't overspend.

And of course your LO should get the occasional treat when it's just them (though I'd focus on fun activities rather than food) so they're not always waiting for DSC to come before having fun.

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Right this weekend's treats: (probably outing but who cares)

Popcorn
Blueberries, raspberries, kiwi
Pepperamys
Cheese strings
Pringles
Those stackable lunchable things
12 crisp packets
Pizza & Dough balls
Big slab of galaxy
Cola
3 packets of harribo

How much of that is eaten over the course of the weekend ?

This is what I mean. It's like a full on birthday party worth of food or something it's not just me then. DSC take about half the crisps home if not more and some of the stackable and pepperarmys a lot of the time. It doesn't go out of date quick so it could just be left for next time or we can eat some of it.

I don't really want DC at this age eating all that rubbish but they like the cheesy snackable things, maybe one packet of crisps. Its off-putting having so much around too

And no one needs 3 packets of Harribo that's too much.

For a weekend every fortnight though, it's probably OK. So in your particular circumstances, all the children (including your LO) get a bit of a fortnightly 'treat blowout' when they're all together yes see this is what I originally thought. Like is it fair because all the kids can have snacks weekend every other weekend.

I would stop the practice of taking food back to their mums - if she doesn't want them to have that food, I'd imagine she's miffed that they appear, after being at their dad's, with the food she doesn't want to buy. If they leave it with you, then it is available for their next visit if nobody else eats it.

I get annoyed when my parents buy shed loads of sweets for my kids and send them back with the kids after they have had them for a few nights. My parents can keep the sweets until next visit. Or eat them themselves. My kids won't hate their grandparents for not sending them away with grab bags of doritos my kids chanced their arm in asking for.

I agree. I think your DH needs to get into the habit of buying the right amount of treats for the weekend. If you're doing a pizza night one night, and a movie night with popcorn and chocolate the other night, you don't need all the other crisps, sweets and junk on top of this.

Associating love with junk food is also not a great habit long term either. An appropriate amount of treats for the weekend and to say 'hey glad you're here' would be fine.

With those treats it is Disney dadding. As a parent you make sure your child has a healthy, balanced diet with the occasional treat. He is not taking responsibility for parenting the children in terms of teaching them healthy eating habits, and is buying them lots of unhealthy snacks as if that somehow makes it better that he doesn’t see them very much. It might be that that works for the situation, but then the mum has to make up for the fact they have had lots of unhealthy snacks by providing the balance.

@NewYear8909

With those treats it is Disney dadding. As a parent you make sure your child has a healthy, balanced diet with the occasional treat. He is not taking responsibility for parenting the children in terms of teaching them healthy eating habits, and is buying them lots of unhealthy snacks as if that somehow makes it better that he doesn’t see them very much. It might be that that works for the situation, but then the mum has to make up for the fact they have had lots of unhealthy snacks by providing the balance.

This with bells on it.

OP I noticed you said one of the children keeps the food in her bag.

Does he want his child to end up with an eating disorder?

Child want you to spend time interacting with them and to have experiences with them, rather than you just buying them food and items.

If you ask any child you are close to once who is 15+ what they remember about spending time with you they will mention some random experience. It may be linked to something you brought them but often it isn't.

Yes I think he's got an unhealthy link in his mind of food=love. I'm going to have a chat and see if we can't think of some fun healthier options.

Child want you to spend time interacting with them and to have experiences with them, rather than you just buying them food and items. oh I think this is going to hit home for him but it's so true. Netflix and snacks is fine as a treat but he needs to be thinking what else can he do, what can they go and see etc. I'm going to write a list of ideas and we can all go as a family. I don't think they'll like the farm take DC too but there's plenty of things to go and explore.

Ask him if he could focus more on activities as treats.

My DC will often have an ice cream or cake at the weekend but it's usually when we're out doing something rather than being a focus in itself.

Ideally, they'd be excited about the activity and the food would just be a nice extra.