I’m starting to dislike my step daughter

[Ashlea22]

Warning long post!!

So me and my partner have been together 7 years, he has 2 (11.13) from previous relationship (split when both children were under 2) we also have 3 together. We have the girls 50/50 split with their mum and since the day I met them, his eldest has taken a dislike to me.

I am in my late 20s much younger than their mum, so I’m unsure if that’s perhaps part of the problem. She’s obsessed with her dad that’s only way to say it, but he’s literally the best thing since sliced bread to her and can’t do any wrong. So originally I assumed you know, evil step mum taking dad away narrative is normal maybe for young kids?

Her behaviour towards me I’ve put up with it for so long now, I feel like I can’t! She screams at me constantly, I mean screams! In my face in front of my family, friends it doesn’t matter who. Its always been this way, I stopped tidying for her room because she would go mental that I touched her things.

She will come in the door il say hiya or ask her how she is, immediately she will start screaming at me so now I say nothing at all, if I sit in front of the car beside her dad she’ll refuse to get into car start shouting and crying till I move. If I sit next to her dad she’ll physically try to push me out the seat and starts an argument, over past few years she’s started to swear at me.

Bad words like I’ve never called anyone half the things she calls me daily, I regularly get called a bitch, asshole, witch, horrible, I get told to fuck off, or worse once to go die. She has slammed doors actually on me, pushed me, once she slapped my back as I was leaving her room, she puts horrible tik toks up about me, she tells people I abuse the pets and her, that I don’t feed her(we actually almost weigh the same so when she is pushing me she is strong).

She says I ignore her, that she doesn’t get anything, she says the most horrific things about me and to me, she has called me a retard because I have an impairment. She’ll tell her mum these stories that are just lies about things that I’ve done or said she must think I’m a monster!

She also said horrific things about her mums new boyfriend what he was supposedly doing, that I had to talk to her mum/dad because I was so worried about it. later she said I made it all up, Her sister had heard her telling me so thankfully told them I was saying the truth. She says things like she wishes her dad would cheat on me so I’d leave.

on the contrast her sister spends more time with me than her dad (not saying she’s a saint all time just a typical kid who has moments) but she looks forward to seeing me spending time with me etc.

Example 12th birthday I spent hundreds of pounds and hours doing up her room, so when she went to secondary it would be nice. She picked everything she wanted, she told me how she wanted it and I did it exactly like that. When she seen it for first time she took a huge tantrum screaming, swearing I was so upset.

For her 13th she insisted she didn’t want a party then morning of her birthday she changed her mind. I spend the rest of the day running around getting stuff for her friends, the cake she wanted, decorating, food etc only for her to lock herself in the bathroom and tell me to fuck off when I asked her what was wrong.

She is really mean to her all siblings, she will physically hurt them even being 5 and 3,3. She threatens them, screams at them If I ever try to give her into trouble for something, it results in world war 3.

It feels like I’m being bullied that sounds so stupid but it does. It’s so confusing because she’ll come tell me things she wouldn’t even tell her mum, she take takes my clothes, make up, she’ll ask me about boys etc one minute then next I’m evil again. I think she genuinely believes that she has a bad life.

All birthday Christmas presents/parties I do it comes from me and she knows that so will tell me what she wants, then call me a bitch later that night. All days out/holidays are me, I always do stuff for the kids, I try really hard for them all of them. I would never get one with out the other. I feel like I’m the only one that find it actually really wrong that a child is even allowed to talk to someone like that!

I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not, I was young when I met them I probably made loads of mistakes which is why this has happened. I’m in a house of 5 kids so there are many times over the years when I have just snapped, been grumpy or I have lost it and stormed out because I’m sick of it. Everyone says to me they’d of left by now how do I put up with it, that the worst thing I done to her was just be with her father.

What upsets me most is my kids have started to copy the way she treats me and they have started swearing at me to get what they want ,says I’m horrible, a bad mum that they hate me too.

I’ve tried and tried so many times to talk to my partner about it, even though he agrees she shouldn’t be doing that nothings done apart from a shouting match between him/her. It will normally end in an argument between me and him, I’m literally at the point of leaving only thing that worries me is her behaviour towards the kids.

(Worth noting she confided in me that she was depressed a few years back, which is why I think I’ve sort of took it on the chin most time with her outbursts. I tried to get her mum and dad to get her into counselling, made doctors appointments, anxiety treatment, I’m only one who kept pushing for her to get help. I feel sorry for her if she feels like that as I’ve had mental health issues, I love her but she’s making me dislike her. if that makes sense, which is a horrible thing to say and makes me sad even writing it)

All of the OP's postings suggests that none of the adults in these young girl's life have a clue how to adequately and appropriately deal with her. The extreme and yet vacillating behavior strongly suggest the need for medical and behavioral intervention, and it appears that none of this has happened iris in the process of happening.

No amount of imposing consequences by the father is going to cure or seriously remediate mental health issues. The most important intervention seems to be the one that nine of these adults are willing to put on the table. These adults do not need to be protecting each from this child. Instead the need to be protecting this child and the other children in the home by getting the medical and behavioral assistance that the situation requires.

It is not the OP that is being abused or failed. She is an adult who chooses to act and react in the manner that she does to her particular circumstances. None of the minor children, including the troubled step daughter, have the capacity to seek the appropriate help and resources needed to change this situation. The only people being abused in this situation are all of the minor children involved - they have no options to finding a solution.

It is not the OP that is being abused or failed. She is an adult who chooses to act and react in the manner that she does to her particular circumstances. None of the minor children, including the troubled step daughter, have the capacity to seek the appropriate help and resources needed to change this situation. The only people being abused in this situation are all of the minor children involved - they have no options to finding a solution.

Adults can be abused just as much as children can. It is unhelpful and dangerous to deny that.

@Tattler2 I'm not going to lie but I see a HELL OF ALOT OF ADULTS WHO ARE ABUSED and your statement is so so offensive to the men and women I work with daily.

Your ignorance of how abuse cycles work and because adults have the "option" of leaving ahh then no abuse or it's not as bad is cruel.

Many many reasons why although a person has legs, they may not get up and use them to leave a abusive situation screams I live in a protected bubble with 0 empathy for others.

Your view point is so toxic I would really consider how a victim of DV would feel reading this post.

Give that head of yours a wobble please.

@candlelightsatdawn
I understand abuse and the nature and cycles of abuse. You on the other hand perhaps do no understand the various symptoms of mental illness. The child in the situation that the OP describes is demonstrating symptoms and behavior consistent with some serious conditions.

The OP and her partner , regardless of the nature of their relationship, still have a primary obligation to the children for whom they are responsible.

Being a possible victim of abuse in its various iterations does not excuse or relieve one of the responsibility that they have for and to their minor children. The one situation neither excuses or negates the responsibility owed in the other situation.

[quote Tattler2]@candlelightsatdawn
I understand abuse and the nature and cycles of abuse. You on the other hand perhaps do no understand the various symptoms of mental illness. The child in the situation that the OP describes is demonstrating symptoms and behavior consistent with some serious conditions.

The OP and her partner , regardless of the nature of their relationship, still have a primary obligation to the children for whom they are responsible.

Being a possible victim of abuse in its various iterations does not excuse or relieve one of the responsibility that they have for and to their minor children. The one situation neither excuses or negates the responsibility owed in the other situation.[/quote]
You use the argument that abuse in adults does not exist or matter because children have no choice in their circumstances and adults do multiple times across this board. If you understand abuse, you certainly do not show it, and you are miles away from being well equipped to talk to adult abuse victims.

Talk of responsibility is completely irrelevant here. If OPs SD is being abused it is not OPs responsibility and she certainly should not be encouraged to ignore the abuse levelled at her because her SD might also be a victim in her own right. It is an entirely different issue that makes no difference to OPs situation. OP is not abusing her SD, she has nothing to be excused for.

Your advice is dangerous, worrying and offensive.

Make HIM and his vile daughter leave. Get an occupation order.

@Tattler2 I have many many years of experience in this area. I have come across many many people like you who compound a issue and do damage to victims of DV. I think maybe you should come see some of what I see on a fairly regular basis and see if you would be so apologetic for abusive behaviour when seeing in the flesh.

The cycle abuse very well means that a abused person can and may in the right situations turn into a abusive person later down the line.

Maybe the SD has been abused and therefore now reflecting behaviours she's seen in childhood. That's quite possible if not even probable, that doesn't make her behaviour any less abusive in nature nor does it excuse it. This is a straw man type of argument that is always wheeled out.

However the parents are the ones who OWE the SD getting her help and exploring where this behaviour has come come and addressing it.Neither is it OPS responsibility or duty to fix.

If the plane is burning down you put your own oxygen mask on before helping others in any case. The fact she's a SM doesn't remove that.

I have seen you say some pretty interesting things about MH and shown some really disregard for peoples MH so your suggestion that I lack understanding is fairly amusing and shows a lack of understanding of your own skill set (or therefore lack of)

I would not be living like that or having my children live in that environment. I would have left a long long long time ago.

OP you posts are so sad. What an abusive waste of space your partner is. This won’t get any better. You have to leave. This is not normal. This is not how good men behave.

Also, I agree with everyone else. You need to stop parenting this girl in his absence. Why are you doing that? If he’s not home they don’t come. End of. You are being taken for a mug. Speak to women’s aid and make a plan.

As everyone else has said, just leave, your DP is letting his daughter call you all of these horrible names and is doing nothing about it, it's a shame you have decided to have children with him as you will be breaking up your own family, but just think of your own children being around your DPs toxic children.

What would he do if you weren't there, the visitation is mainly to see him. I'd say she doesn't come unless he's there to manage as it's not fair on other kids. And from what you said he doesn't seem very nice to you. Do you want to leave?

[quote Tattler2]@candlelightsatdawn
I understand abuse and the nature and cycles of abuse. You on the other hand perhaps do no understand the various symptoms of mental illness. The child in the situation that the OP describes is demonstrating symptoms and behavior consistent with some serious conditions.

The OP and her partner , regardless of the nature of their relationship, still have a primary obligation to the children for whom they are responsible.

Being a possible victim of abuse in its various iterations does not excuse or relieve one of the responsibility that they have for and to their minor children. The one situation neither excuses or negates the responsibility owed in the other situation.[/quote]
But She only behaves like this towards her step mum and not her mother or father?

I would be exploring ways to leave this toxic household.
Your DP is reinforcing her appalling behaviour.

@LiG123 she also behaves like this with her step father.

Are we going down the route of this type of behaviour is acceptable because something the OP is doing because thats dangerous thought path...

Abusive people aren't abusive to everyone, or only tend to get abusive around where they fundamentally feel "entitled" to be abusive.

Abusive people feel entitled to be abusive on some level to the victim, because they give themselves permission because the victim performed some type of "wrong doing in their eyes". Often in therapy if you were to ask them would you do x to your mother ect they are horrified at the thought.

Anyway the way this girl is acting she needs serious intervention by her parents.

I personally think that dad and SD need to be told to leave and involve SS. SS would expect OP to act as a protective factor in keeping her DC safe not ignoring the issue.

Now that you see and have learned what he’s like, you cannot unsee it. I think the advice to see a solicitor and get an occupation order is good. Please keep copies of all text messages. He’s very abusive. You are going to need to be very strong against him as he’s probably going to want 50/50 with your kids. So you also need to make it a priority to prove he is incapable of doing this. If you are scared or if your stepdaughter (or he) becomes violent again you should call the police. Your priority right now is to document the abuse and to get away from them. Longer term, you can perhaps tell the children’ mother what is going on. As you work for the business, you can get access to financials on the company and his income, which could be useful for the future. IE if his income suddenly dips dramatically, you can tip off HMRC he’s hiding money - which he would be doing to reduce maintenance.

Oh OP. I have read your updates. I am so so sorry but I think you need to leave if you can. Can you call womens aid? They are really helpful and can help you come up with a plan, it may take some time but I don't think this is going to get better for you. I'm so sorry.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@LiG123 she also behaves like this with her step father.

Are we going down the route of this type of behaviour is acceptable because something the OP is doing because thats dangerous thought path...

Abusive people aren't abusive to everyone, or only tend to get abusive around where they fundamentally feel "entitled" to be abusive.

Abusive people feel entitled to be abusive on some level to the victim, because they give themselves permission because the victim performed some type of "wrong doing in their eyes". Often in therapy if you were to ask them would you do x to your mother ect they are horrified at the thought.

Anyway the way this girl is acting she needs serious intervention by her parents.

I personally think that dad and SD need to be told to leave and involve SS. SS would expect OP to act as a protective factor in keeping her DC safe not ignoring the issue. [/quote]
She does- I was
Referring to @Tattler2 trying to say she's like it because of some other reason but if she had disabilities/mental health she'd behave like it to more than just her step parents?

@LiG123 ahhh sorry misread. The only small part I agree with re Tatters post is something is going on with SD. The behaviour is abnormal.

My problem is from what I can see is that no one is addressing the issue which leads me to think the problem is more rooted in the family disfunction (abuse seen, abuse mimicked)

I really think this a safeguarding issue due to the other children involved.

OP, your partner sounds abusive and sadly your SD sounds similar to a girl I know. She bullied my now 13 year old relentlessly. It was a campaign of terror and the impact on my DD has been devastating.

You HAVE to protect your own, very small DC from this. I completely agree it is a safeguarding issue. They are being abused by your SD.

Your SD needs support, that's clear, but your priority now needs to be protecting your children. It's clearly already had a big impact on them if they are now copying her behaviour towards you and it will only get worse as they get older.

I know this is all really hard for you. There are organisations out there like Women's Aid, who might help you. Definitely start keeping a diary and record everything. Speak to Women's Aid. Maybe post in relationships to get support to leave.

So your husband is saying you're childish, & is blaming you ?
He is enabling this behaviour.
If you cant leave, keep going, refuse ti gave her if your H isnt hone, not your kid, not your responsability.
You will not look after her while she shouts, manhandles, lies & bullys you.

"Refuse to have her"

Each update from OP is sadder than the previous

If you can't or don't leave, you need to create a situation where sd only visits when your h is there. It's only going to escalate once sd realises that her dad is only concerned about behaviour he witnesses so she can do what she likes when he's not there without any repercussions.

Please ignore the advice that you're not being abused. You are. Your h has manipulated you into thinking that his behaviour is normal and that you owe him to suck it up as he goes out to work. In my experience , the successful 50/50 household I know is that way because the parents are self employed and arrange their hours so it's them and not the partners doing the bulk of the childcare. They are in the playground doing pickups when it's their week and understand the kids are there to see them.

As she behaves this way with her stepfather too, it's proof that this is not about something you have or have not done. You could be the most perfect step parent and she'd be the same. Whether the solution to this is therapy or for the parenting to change, you are powerless to do anything except protect your kids from it. Your presence makes it easier for her father to ignore this as you and your kids are bearing the brunt of her behaviour. Whoever or whatever she's angry at, it's not you. Please remind yourself of that

Also if you can't leave, please start making preparations to go back to work. That will help you in future should you need to go at short notice

In what way is the OP's partner abusing her. If HR says to her that her behavior is "childish" or that she "should keep his children". Those may indeed be his observations and honest opinions. Abuse would be forcing the OP, against her will to remain in the home to keep his children. It has become so common on this thread to bandy about the terms, " abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation" as though those terms are synonymous with differences of opinions and failure to take control of your own life.

The OP's husband sounds like a man to whom I would not choose to be married and a negligent father to all of his children. I get no impression that he tries to force his opinions upon the OP. She hears what he says and then she"chooses " to accept his opinion because it is the easiest course of action. There is a vast difference between inertia and abuse.

The OP has always had the ability to seek professional help ( and had alluded to doing so in het past). The fact that he felt that she could not earn enough to pay for child care must be been a decision with which she concurred,because she chose to quit her job. She instead could have said, " no, we will just have to tighten our belts or no, I will look for a better paying position. She could have said " no, I will not be caring for all of your children. ". Abuse would have him been his then forcing or compelling the OP to do that which she objected to doing.. Many of us observe adults responding to situations in a manner that we deem to be childish. When we make that statesmen we are expressing our particular opinion or interpretation of their response . That is not abuse . That is just a personal interpretation of a particular response pattern.

Sometimes, it is a possible to suffer from self abuse.This occurs when we recognize that a situation is leading to discomfort, stress, unhappiness, etc and we remain in that situation when it is totally within our control to respond and act differently.

If the OP's partner were to say to her " you and our children must leave this house at this moment." The OP would find alternative housing , likely take him to court for child support, and her life would not come to an immediate halt.

I find it so offensive that women are so often presented as victims in situations where the have actual agency and simply fail to exert it.

The OP's partner may be Neanderthal and possibly misogynistic in his thinking but he does not seem to be abusive. Clearly, he has no control over his daughter's behavior. He is not permitting hos daughter to act in the manner that she does; he is incapable of changing her behavior. Both he and the child's mother have failed to het the medical and behavioral treatment that would give the child the help that she needs and equip themselves with the tools to help modify her behavior.

Nothing that is happening between and among the adults in this situation justIfies the demonstrated negligence to the health and safety of all of the children in this household. Therein lies the actual abuse.