I’m starting to dislike my step daughter

[Ashlea22]

Warning long post!!

So me and my partner have been together 7 years, he has 2 (11.13) from previous relationship (split when both children were under 2) we also have 3 together. We have the girls 50/50 split with their mum and since the day I met them, his eldest has taken a dislike to me.

I am in my late 20s much younger than their mum, so I’m unsure if that’s perhaps part of the problem. She’s obsessed with her dad that’s only way to say it, but he’s literally the best thing since sliced bread to her and can’t do any wrong. So originally I assumed you know, evil step mum taking dad away narrative is normal maybe for young kids?

Her behaviour towards me I’ve put up with it for so long now, I feel like I can’t! She screams at me constantly, I mean screams! In my face in front of my family, friends it doesn’t matter who. Its always been this way, I stopped tidying for her room because she would go mental that I touched her things.

She will come in the door il say hiya or ask her how she is, immediately she will start screaming at me so now I say nothing at all, if I sit in front of the car beside her dad she’ll refuse to get into car start shouting and crying till I move. If I sit next to her dad she’ll physically try to push me out the seat and starts an argument, over past few years she’s started to swear at me.

Bad words like I’ve never called anyone half the things she calls me daily, I regularly get called a bitch, asshole, witch, horrible, I get told to fuck off, or worse once to go die. She has slammed doors actually on me, pushed me, once she slapped my back as I was leaving her room, she puts horrible tik toks up about me, she tells people I abuse the pets and her, that I don’t feed her(we actually almost weigh the same so when she is pushing me she is strong).

She says I ignore her, that she doesn’t get anything, she says the most horrific things about me and to me, she has called me a retard because I have an impairment. She’ll tell her mum these stories that are just lies about things that I’ve done or said she must think I’m a monster!

She also said horrific things about her mums new boyfriend what he was supposedly doing, that I had to talk to her mum/dad because I was so worried about it. later she said I made it all up, Her sister had heard her telling me so thankfully told them I was saying the truth. She says things like she wishes her dad would cheat on me so I’d leave.

on the contrast her sister spends more time with me than her dad (not saying she’s a saint all time just a typical kid who has moments) but she looks forward to seeing me spending time with me etc.

Example 12th birthday I spent hundreds of pounds and hours doing up her room, so when she went to secondary it would be nice. She picked everything she wanted, she told me how she wanted it and I did it exactly like that. When she seen it for first time she took a huge tantrum screaming, swearing I was so upset.

For her 13th she insisted she didn’t want a party then morning of her birthday she changed her mind. I spend the rest of the day running around getting stuff for her friends, the cake she wanted, decorating, food etc only for her to lock herself in the bathroom and tell me to fuck off when I asked her what was wrong.

She is really mean to her all siblings, she will physically hurt them even being 5 and 3,3. She threatens them, screams at them If I ever try to give her into trouble for something, it results in world war 3.

It feels like I’m being bullied that sounds so stupid but it does. It’s so confusing because she’ll come tell me things she wouldn’t even tell her mum, she take takes my clothes, make up, she’ll ask me about boys etc one minute then next I’m evil again. I think she genuinely believes that she has a bad life.

All birthday Christmas presents/parties I do it comes from me and she knows that so will tell me what she wants, then call me a bitch later that night. All days out/holidays are me, I always do stuff for the kids, I try really hard for them all of them. I would never get one with out the other. I feel like I’m the only one that find it actually really wrong that a child is even allowed to talk to someone like that!

I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not, I was young when I met them I probably made loads of mistakes which is why this has happened. I’m in a house of 5 kids so there are many times over the years when I have just snapped, been grumpy or I have lost it and stormed out because I’m sick of it. Everyone says to me they’d of left by now how do I put up with it, that the worst thing I done to her was just be with her father.

What upsets me most is my kids have started to copy the way she treats me and they have started swearing at me to get what they want ,says I’m horrible, a bad mum that they hate me too.

I’ve tried and tried so many times to talk to my partner about it, even though he agrees she shouldn’t be doing that nothings done apart from a shouting match between him/her. It will normally end in an argument between me and him, I’m literally at the point of leaving only thing that worries me is her behaviour towards the kids.

(Worth noting she confided in me that she was depressed a few years back, which is why I think I’ve sort of took it on the chin most time with her outbursts. I tried to get her mum and dad to get her into counselling, made doctors appointments, anxiety treatment, I’m only one who kept pushing for her to get help. I feel sorry for her if she feels like that as I’ve had mental health issues, I love her but she’s making me dislike her. if that makes sense, which is a horrible thing to say and makes me sad even writing it)

How would your husband describe her and her behaviour?

Reread your title - 'I'm starting to dislike my stepdaughter' then ask yourself what in your life and relationships has made you so passive, that you think this is a situation that would cause mild irritation rather than being fucking fuming with how you are being treated? You deserve so, so much better from the people closest to you. Please get to a point where you believe that.

You havent mentioned how your husband deals with it. What does he say about it?
What actually happens when she does this

She clearly is extremely traumatised by whatever has happened with you and her father. And that is not your fault but you're getting the fallout.

He's not being the parent he needs to be. His selfish desire has ended up damaging his child probably forever.

Yes she's totally antisocial, bordering on psychopathic, and yes you're in an awful position and can't be bullied like this.

You CANNOT allow your own little children to be affected and their relationship with you ruined. You MUST act, and act now.

So you take a stand. Tell him YOU can't go on like this, you can't see his child in this state, YOU will leave him if he doesn't arrange support for her. Counselling. Booked today.

And you focus on your children. And keep them away from her until she's been helped. And tell him this is what will happen. Take charge.

Put yourself and your own children first.......well away from this devil child. This is absolutely not normal teen behaviour . Someone could get very seriously hurt

This sounds horrible. What is your DH doing about her behaviour? It sounds as though you are being left to deal with this alone. If so, your husband is neglecting his duties as a parent. I would try to get counselling for your SD and try to get to the root of her problems.

Your DH is a useless husband & father.
He needs to sort this situation to protect you & his other children, and to help his eldest daughter get to a happier place in her life.
Give him an ultimatum.

You haven't mentioned on how your DH parents his DD, which is very important to how people give advice.

@JumperJump

Your DH is a useless parent, there’s no way he should be letting her get away with any of this. Your options are: *. He makes it stop, right now. If she behaves like that again she gets dumped at her mothers. *. She never comes over again until she can apologise and behave. You have the right not to be abused in your own home and just because she’s a kid does not mean she can get away with it. Plus she abuses the younger kids, this is a big NO, she’s a bitch and a bully. *. You kick him out and he can deal with shared custody on his own.

Yep.

Your DH is 90% of this problem

Not the fun times you want to be having in your 20's! Your DH needs to step up and parent her properly. Is she finding switching between homes hard and needs more stability. Your DH needs to talk to her to get to the root of it. I wouldn't stay in that situation.

How on earth have you stayed for so long?

Christ, all this, just for the sake of having a boyfriend? Why bother? Would you not rather enjoy life?

(Why are people writing husband? This bloke is not her husband.)

You cannot have this girl in your home. She is abusive and I don’t think that this will ever be resolved. She will abuse people all her life, whether that is emotionally or physically. She is not at full physical strength - the next 5 years, she’s going to get stronger. I have a 13yo girl and whilst she’s an inch taller than me and strong for her size, her strength is nothing compared to mine. She will spend 5 years getting stronger although probably not taller.

I would do the following: you, 3 kids and dp live in the home when the girls are not with you. Rent a small/cheap property nearby but not within walking distance. He needs to live there with his two eldest children during contact so they do not ever enter your home. Unfortunately his dd2 loses out on contact with her little siblings here. But if his dd1 is literally beating them up, then you are responsible for safeguarding them.

I can understand how this is an expensive option. But this guy has 5 kids and needs to pay for what they need and at this time, it’s a separate place.

Not in any way to minimise how horrendous this is for you, but the child needs some help as she is obviously very, very unhappy. I'm so sad to see other posters calling her a devil and a brat. She is either neurodiverse or in a state of trauma. No child wants to behave like this. It's not a fun way to live.
The problem is of course that the OP needs the parents to get their child some support. Can I suggest that OP and the parents look into NVR (non violent resistance) therapy - you can do this together as the adults to put in place consistent strategies for managing high conflict behaviour and it can be very effective. Sounds like the child herself needs significant therapeutic support as well but that won't be as effective if the adults around her aren't providing a consistent space where she feels safe. No criticism of you at all OP, it sounds like to have gone above and beyond.

She sounds very troubled girl. What she like at school op? Id personally leave and live seperately.

I have never and would never call her a little bitch or ever swear at her or any of the children. I don’t even know where she’s got half the words from because I would never use them.

You need to leave, to protect your own children as well as yourself. They're being brought up in an abusive environment which really isn't good for them. It appears that their father isn't safeguarding them from this behaviour by intervening and stopping it so you need to now.

@Kanaloa, @Ashlea22 did not refer to her Dsd in any derogatory way and certainly not as a bitch. You misunderstood....These are the names that DSD calls her step mum, ie, the OP.

So sorry you're going through this. You sound lovely. You need to disengage and stop doing anything for her.
You need to stay calm around her and speak to your dh and tell him that if things don't improve immediately he will have to leave or at the very least she can't come to the house...he will have to see her elsewhere until she learns to treat you with a modicum of respect.
She sounds very troubled and she needs help, but that is for her parents to sort out, not you.
You need to act now though, in order to protect not just yourself, but your younger children, from this toxic and damaging environment.

Good luck.

My partner is not my husband but we’ve been engaged for 6 years, I’ve never taken the next step to get married purely because I didn’t want to upset his children, I wanted their blessing before we ever done it. She acts the same at her mums but not the swearing, or getting physical with her mum, but tantrums and treating her sister like crap. But she’s also super loving towards her dad/mum, like I’ve seen her be really sweet to them she’s always trying to give them a cuddle etc . She will be really sooky to them then she will start on me then go back to being nice to her dad, I feel like I get the blame for her behaviour from him. She’s always been like that from day 1 towards me, I have said in last few months I don’t want watch her anymore because she’s said if I give her into trouble or annoy her she’d hurt herself and everyone would then hate me. I explained to my partner I didn’t feel comfortably anymore watching her with her saying these type of things, she gets so upset, the kids get upset so I don’t understand why she’d even want me to watch her if I make her feel that angry anyway. So she now goes with her dad after school to his work he works 9-7, at weekends on our days I have them myself normally till about 6pm on school holidays again I haven them majority time. I always have his other daughter, I used to have all of them constantly whilst dad was at work so maybe that’s why she hates me. I don’t know I feel bad because she is a kid and I’ve always said the same as a few of the posts on here that something is not right, she needs help but I’m not taking seriously. Her mum seems lovely to me, if I ever do try mention anything to her I just kind of her a wided eyed oh my god really? Reply but then she probably thinks I’m this awful person from the things her daughter says so why would she want to help me. It’s not a nice household to be in when she’s home, I try stay out her way but it’s hard this is actually my partners house I gave up my property and moved in with him when I was pregnant with our first. Something I deeply regret now, I gave up my job too so he could purse his self employed dream and I took responsibility for the children. It’s really hard for me to be happy around her, because I'm
Just waiting and before I’d of said don’t talk to me like that etc I just say nothing now as it’s easier to avoid arguments. If she hurts the kids I do get in the middle I would never let her hurt them I try keep them out her way. She’s been tested for autism, adhd and they’ve said she has no signs. In her school reports it’s always said that she has trouble understanding other peoples opinions matter, or she has an attitude at times but otherwise well behaved. She treats most adult females that are around her dad like this but not as extreme, one of his colleagues left because with her now going to work with him she couldn’t cope with her tantrums anymore. I got the blame because He said I’m always moaning and I won’t just look after her, but I don’t want to anymore I just don’t see how this is my fault that she dislikes me when her sister and my own children all want spend time with me rather than dad. I do 90% of the parenting id say, I’ve tried taking iPads iPhone putting in boundaries and she just does not care nothing matters what I do. I’m always the bad guy her dad could literally say the same thing as me but it would be me that gets called a bitch. There has been times when I have said things back that to her that I shouldn’t have, but I would always go to apologise if I shouted or maybe said something not how I’d of liked too when things have calmed down. I do think maybe I am the problem like maybe just there’s something I’m doing that isn’t right, but I never thought kids could be really mean till I met her she’s very aware of how to hurt my feelings and it’s as if she thrives on it. My partner would always pick his daughter if I ever said she couldn’t come back as suggested it would be a big no!

The girl is clearly very troubled, and is acting out because she feels destabilised and insecure.

And while I sympathise with her, this doesn't mean you have to be her emotional punching until such a time as she works through these issues.

Her parents should be helping her address the root causes of this awful behaviour, because happy and confident kids don't do this. Your chief responsibility is to your kids and your own mental health. Take the heat out of the situation by getting yourself and your kids away from this environment. Think of it as being like a fire - you can't reason with it or be kind to it, you just have to get away and let the appropriate people deal with it.

If nothing else, put your own children first and leave so they are out of this situation.

All my partners friends and family say the things I do for the kids is lovely etc that they are lucky to have a step mum like me, that she’ll wake up one day and realise everything I’ve done for her. I sometimes have power struggles with my partner he makes me feel like I don’t do enough for him
and the kids, so that’s probably why I try hard with them. I feel guilty I now don’t want to talk to her and stuff because I am the adult I should just take the higher ground but it’s hurt me it really has for along time. I think from this post leaving which is what I thought might be only option, I worry that my children will grow up behaving like that to people if I can’t be around to check it all the time. It sounds so dysfunctional when I put it in writing, because when I met them I didn’t have kids I honestly just thought it would pass one day she’d accept me. She just uses me for stuff, I’ve tried doing the 1-1 time and we could have a great day. Next thing she’ll texted her mum saying I was being horrible to her etc or put up a tik tok saying she hates me but will take all the stuff she can get. It’s just it’s a loosing battle I’m at my witts end the only ones who will suffer are my 3 kids having to leave home etc.