I’m starting to dislike my step daughter

[Ashlea22]

Warning long post!!

So me and my partner have been together 7 years, he has 2 (11.13) from previous relationship (split when both children were under 2) we also have 3 together. We have the girls 50/50 split with their mum and since the day I met them, his eldest has taken a dislike to me.

I am in my late 20s much younger than their mum, so I’m unsure if that’s perhaps part of the problem. She’s obsessed with her dad that’s only way to say it, but he’s literally the best thing since sliced bread to her and can’t do any wrong. So originally I assumed you know, evil step mum taking dad away narrative is normal maybe for young kids?

Her behaviour towards me I’ve put up with it for so long now, I feel like I can’t! She screams at me constantly, I mean screams! In my face in front of my family, friends it doesn’t matter who. Its always been this way, I stopped tidying for her room because she would go mental that I touched her things.

She will come in the door il say hiya or ask her how she is, immediately she will start screaming at me so now I say nothing at all, if I sit in front of the car beside her dad she’ll refuse to get into car start shouting and crying till I move. If I sit next to her dad she’ll physically try to push me out the seat and starts an argument, over past few years she’s started to swear at me.

Bad words like I’ve never called anyone half the things she calls me daily, I regularly get called a bitch, asshole, witch, horrible, I get told to fuck off, or worse once to go die. She has slammed doors actually on me, pushed me, once she slapped my back as I was leaving her room, she puts horrible tik toks up about me, she tells people I abuse the pets and her, that I don’t feed her(we actually almost weigh the same so when she is pushing me she is strong).

She says I ignore her, that she doesn’t get anything, she says the most horrific things about me and to me, she has called me a retard because I have an impairment. She’ll tell her mum these stories that are just lies about things that I’ve done or said she must think I’m a monster!

She also said horrific things about her mums new boyfriend what he was supposedly doing, that I had to talk to her mum/dad because I was so worried about it. later she said I made it all up, Her sister had heard her telling me so thankfully told them I was saying the truth. She says things like she wishes her dad would cheat on me so I’d leave.

on the contrast her sister spends more time with me than her dad (not saying she’s a saint all time just a typical kid who has moments) but she looks forward to seeing me spending time with me etc.

Example 12th birthday I spent hundreds of pounds and hours doing up her room, so when she went to secondary it would be nice. She picked everything she wanted, she told me how she wanted it and I did it exactly like that. When she seen it for first time she took a huge tantrum screaming, swearing I was so upset.

For her 13th she insisted she didn’t want a party then morning of her birthday she changed her mind. I spend the rest of the day running around getting stuff for her friends, the cake she wanted, decorating, food etc only for her to lock herself in the bathroom and tell me to fuck off when I asked her what was wrong.

She is really mean to her all siblings, she will physically hurt them even being 5 and 3,3. She threatens them, screams at them If I ever try to give her into trouble for something, it results in world war 3.

It feels like I’m being bullied that sounds so stupid but it does. It’s so confusing because she’ll come tell me things she wouldn’t even tell her mum, she take takes my clothes, make up, she’ll ask me about boys etc one minute then next I’m evil again. I think she genuinely believes that she has a bad life.

All birthday Christmas presents/parties I do it comes from me and she knows that so will tell me what she wants, then call me a bitch later that night. All days out/holidays are me, I always do stuff for the kids, I try really hard for them all of them. I would never get one with out the other. I feel like I’m the only one that find it actually really wrong that a child is even allowed to talk to someone like that!

I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not, I was young when I met them I probably made loads of mistakes which is why this has happened. I’m in a house of 5 kids so there are many times over the years when I have just snapped, been grumpy or I have lost it and stormed out because I’m sick of it. Everyone says to me they’d of left by now how do I put up with it, that the worst thing I done to her was just be with her father.

What upsets me most is my kids have started to copy the way she treats me and they have started swearing at me to get what they want ,says I’m horrible, a bad mum that they hate me too.

I’ve tried and tried so many times to talk to my partner about it, even though he agrees she shouldn’t be doing that nothings done apart from a shouting match between him/her. It will normally end in an argument between me and him, I’m literally at the point of leaving only thing that worries me is her behaviour towards the kids.

(Worth noting she confided in me that she was depressed a few years back, which is why I think I’ve sort of took it on the chin most time with her outbursts. I tried to get her mum and dad to get her into counselling, made doctors appointments, anxiety treatment, I’m only one who kept pushing for her to get help. I feel sorry for her if she feels like that as I’ve had mental health issues, I love her but she’s making me dislike her. if that makes sense, which is a horrible thing to say and makes me sad even writing it)

Op you really need to leave and leave now. Your partner it appears is a useless partner and a useless father quite why he tolerates her behaviour only he knows but allowing a 13 year old to behave in that way is definitely not being a good parent or a good partner . Dsd clearly wants to split you up, and you know she is capable of lying and physical violence which will only escalate. Please leave for your own well being and that of your children

I read your post and had to check that you were talking about a sd and not a dd.

Your partner and sd are completely taking advantage of you. You're clearly a kind person who has been manipulated into thinking that she needs to do the parenting of her stepchild and that if she tried harder, everything would be ok. You shouldn't be the one paying for bedroom upgrades and organizing last minute parties etc That's what her father should be doing.

Does your partner have 50/50 because you're picking up the slack and doing school runs etc? He sounds like someone who would have much less contact if he didn't have a woman facilitating his lazy ways. A normal man wouldn't be able to cope seeing his partner and kids abused. Teens who act like this at home are in danger of becoming physically abusive adults who can not find happiness because they have a skewed view of acceptable behaviour. All of the kids witnessing and experiencing this also have higher chance of ending up in abusive situations because it becomes normal to them.

Your children are in an abusive environment. You have to stop that. Maybe your dp (who does sound pathetic) could see her at a neutral location and stop the family visits until you've all had a chance to have some family therapy.

She doesn't sound well, to be fair. She sounds as if she may grow up to have a personality disorder or maybe there's a diagnosis fitting her now that would lead to support. So ostracisation is not appropriate. But keeping others safe from abuse and harassment is as important as getting her help.

Your useless partner needs to leave and take his daughter with him. Protect your children.
You can always continue the relationship with him living separately until his daughter is 18.
I would not tolerate having the daughter in my house anymore.

Jesus Christ OP, you're "starting" to dislike her?? I think most people would have hated her a long time ago.

I cannot fathom why in a million years you'd have lifted a finger for her in years, but decorating her room, organising parties for her?? Absolutely none of that should be happening in light of the horrific abuse she hurls at you.

What does her dad say about it? All you say about him is that he thinks you don't do enough for him and the kids, and I'm sorry to say it but if he's looking at the way his daughter is treating you and thinking anything less than "I am SO sorry, I will do everything in my power to stop thos behaviour and of course I don't expect you to do anything for her in the meantime", then he is abusing you too.

He, and she, are both awful. Absolutely awful. You need to get yourself and your children away from them, I can't believe how casual you are about this totally unacceptable situation.

She would be banned from my home until she learned some respect. Maybe suggest your DP moves out so that he can have his DD at his place?

@Hogwarts4Christmas

I wasn’t saying the op called the girl a little bitch, I was responding to the post above me whose entire reply focused on the stepdaughter being a ‘little bitch’ and seemed to gloss over the fact that the girl’s father and op’s partner is an entirely useless lump of nothing.

But yeah I would have left a long long time ago. You don’t need to be a martyr to this child and her useless father, and you do not need to accept him telling you ‘you don’t do enough for them.’ You do too much.

My husband is stepfather to our oldest two kids and I wouldn’t expect him to stay through this while I sat back relaxing. Different if we were doing everything we could, in therapy for the child, special behavioural measures. But one parent suffering abuse in the home while another refuses to do anything? I mean why bother staying? What are you getting out of this?

Your DH needs to do some bloody parenting. He left two girls aged six and four and went on to have another three children in seven years – it's no wonder the eldest has issues that flare up when she's in his new family home. Her abusive treatment of you is unacceptable though, even if you were the OW, and he needs to put an end to it.

Oh I see the post I replied to (first post) is now deleted, so that’s why you would think I was replying to you.

You don’t have a stepdaughter problem, you have a partner problem. He’s decided the problem is too hard to try and fix so he’d much rather you just put up with it.

OP. It sounds as though this child has a chronic mental illness issues or perhaps issues that have been allowed to go untreated. She is a minor child with what sounds like health bc issues that have while being obgected to are being allowed to go untreated. That is negligence on the part of both of her parents. The extremes in behavior are not choices that an untreated minor child makes those are the symptoms of her untreated illness.

You are not her parent, so you have no legal right to seek treatment for her.. You do however have both a legal and moral obligation to provide a safe home environment for your 2 children.

If you are unable to get either parent to seek the medical help that she needs, then you should make plans to move your children into a safe and healthy environment.

The younger children will model t by e behavior that they see around them, and unlike their sister they won't be acting out of or because of illness but rather from learned behavior.

Try not to personalize her treatment of you. Her behavior is controlled by the illness. It is often difficult for many people to recognize that mental illness is a serious and debilitating as a physical illness. You would have sympathy and understanding if she had cancer or some for of diabetes, but her untreated mental illness is just as serious as those physical illnesses.

You may not be able to have influence or impact on her parents, but do not fail your own children because of the negligence of your partner and his ex.

just it’s a loosing battle I’m at my witts end the only ones who will suffer are my 3 kids having to leave home etc.

They won't suffer from moving houses or even a change of financial circumstances. There's so much help out there for kids when their parents are struggling.

I'd rathar make my kids move home thwn keep raising them alongside all this toxicity.

By accepting this behaviour for yourself your teaching your children that that sort of behaviour is acceptable too. I'd leave now before your kids turn into her and you

Why are you staying OP? What benefit do you get from this set up? From this family? Your not going to get an award at the end of this. Just years of wasted time and years spent upset.

Nobody respects you in that family. Her own parents arnt bothered about the way she treats you. Does that not speak volumes? Seriously OP. You need to take your kids and leave

How can your OP say he loves you when he lets someone treat you like that???? Or does he love what you do for him?

You and your kids deserve so much better and your failing them staying in this situationship, your teaching them bad is acceptable. You need to leave

Not being harsh, just brutally honest. Your not going to get an award at the end of this gor taking this girls shit. Youve been given this role for too long, you can nevr change it now. Leave

I'd say you have two options:

• Leave, and tell your partner exactly why and that you will also be speaking to social services about her.

• Tell your partner it's time for intervention, parenting classes for him/you and counselling for her, or you leave.

OP. I'm going to be blunt, in the hope you'll step back and see it.

"Me and this kid. She's rude. She's aggressive. I'm this. I'm that. She does this. I do this. It's appalling."

Where the actual fuck is the actual parent. Why is this at your feet??

You aren't even married to her father so you're not even her stepmum, and whilst I don't mean she's some random child that's nothing to do with you, if you split with DP tomorrow, this child would be exactly that.

What the actual fuck? Stop doing things for her, she sounds awful, ungrateful and aggressive, and you have absolutely no obligation to deal with her shit. If my daughter acted like this, I'd be taking very strong action.

Step right away. She's not your problem. She's got two parents, and if that's how they enable her to treat you, then you keep away and let them deal with this absolute charm of a child.

She's coming over? Cool, you'll be out with your DC, because she's nasty to them too. Her parent can parent her. And that's not you.

The fucking nerve of your "D" P.

If you split your shared children with him will presumably have contact with him. Without you there to mitigate the worst behaviour.

So you started a relationship with an older man who barely parented his own children and took on that work for him. You gave up your house and job. You had three more children and are an unmarried SAHM. You are being abused quite badly and have been this whole time. He is self-employed so could easily fiddle maintenence payments if he wished.

You have made some very foolish choices I'm afraid and have very little in the way of security or protection.

I would strongly advise finding a job as your first action. You should then be able to take steps towards leaving with more than the clothes on your back.

You haven't once mentioned what your DP's reaction is to all this. What does he say/do about all this? My advice: Leave. You are young enough to start afresh. Although you aren't married he will still need to pay maintenance for your children.

Sounds like you took the apparently easy option - staying home with the DCs whilst DP works.
However, much of what you say on here sounds like abuse from your partner. How can any sane person watch the person they supposedly love and care for be treated like that by the dreadful SD.
You are up shit creek with no income and no home but you need to pull up your big girl knickers and start getting organised for the future.
Tell him you are no longer looking after the SDs - all this falling over yourself to be the great stepmother - they and their parents are taking the piss, Any idea how much money you are saving them in child care fees whilst you get sod all????

So start looking for a job, start looking for childcare, start looking into social housing (unless DP will cough up which seems unlikely).
Stop being a trampled-upon-by-everybody mug.

Teens can be horrible and once they start being horrible would lose face if they came in snivelling and apologising. She is bullying you - I'm amazed your mental health has withstood it - time to move on now.

You want their blessing for a wedding but went ahead and had 3 children, which is arguably a far bigger impact on them.

@BitcherOfBlakiven

You want their blessing for a wedding but went ahead and had 3 children, which is arguably a far bigger impact on them.

What's that got to do with DSC abusing OP?

Op is the house in your name also?
You need to get away from this man who doesn't respect or give a shit about you and his daughter who has been allowed to turn into this monster. This will never get better

A few things come to mind.

Why are you doing all the running around sorting her bedroom and party? That is absolutely your DPs responsibility.

I wonder if there is some misplaced anger here from her, e.g. she's really angry at her dad as he's the one who should be doing these things.

As I see it, the options are to leave, or to seriously disengage. This list could help. nachokids.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-nachoing/ By disengaging you create space for her dad to step up and do the parenting he should have been doing all along.

She should also have had consequences for her behaviour towards you, from her father, all along.

My main concern here is the fact she is hurting her younger siblings. Your children should absolutely not be subject to physical abuse as the consequence of your DPs failure to parent his older daughter.

You need to put some serious boundaries in place to make sure this never, ever happens again, which may involve leaving, but most importantly never allow SD to be alone with the younger children without you present.

You are right, you are pretty much being bullied by your SD. As an adult you are in a position to protect your children, that needs to be your priority.

OP you don’t have any legal protections in place, being unmarried it’s an awful idea for you to give up work and depend on your awful boyfriend. His kids aren’t your step kids, they have two parents and they’re taking the piss out of you. You’re young to have three kids of your own, do you not realise you’re being abused?

Can you access resources to get your kids somewhere non abusive to live and end the dependency on your shitty boyfriend?
So depressing.