A question for step mums

[bongobingo43]

I'm not sure where to post my question but I'm
Really just looking to understand my dd's SM's behaviour.....

I 100% know that the vast majority of SMs are not like this and it is not a SM 'bashing' thread - I'm genuinely wanting to understand why she acts the way she acts to make the situation as easy for my Dd as possible.

This has been going on for a couple of years but gradually getting worse. It's like she competes with me in everything and it's becoming more and more blatant.

FaceTime conversations i overheard this week...

A) I took Dd to the cinema then when she was telling her dad and SM about it, SM asked if she'd have had more fun with them than should would've with me.

B) Dd has been asking for a certain brand of shampoo that she uses at her dads house. I believe this is SM's shampoo but Dd wanted it. DD said on the phone "Santa got my the xyz shampoo" (this was just a stocking filler obviously but she was excited about it). SMs response "that's good, we both know that's the best one for shiny hair even if your mum doesn't like it. We both know it's better for your skin than that stuff SHE (I.e. me) has so at least Santa listens"

C) another FaceTime on the 27th. We'd had a really busy Xmas day and Boxing Day. Asked Dd what she wanted to do and her words were that she wanted a "lazy pj day". When dad and SM called they almost interrogate her about what she's been up to. She said "nothing, we're just staying in" and SMs response was "oh that's such a shame, you must be so bored. Don't worry, you'll be having fun with us soon".

The reason I'm worried is that these are just snippets I've over heard without intentionally listening: I've suggested Dd FaceTimes from her bedroom but she doesn't like to sit still and wanders round the house while she chats.

I suspect this is just the type of the iceberg of the nonsense she's fed when she's with them in person.

What do I do? It's not Dds fault so I don't think it's right to make her feel guilty over it? So do I just ignore it? But then what if it escalates? Tbh I don't care about exH and SM but it's almost like they're trying to brainwash Dd or turn her against me?

My suspicion is that SM is very insecure/jealous of my relationship with Dd but would there any other reason? Am I being paranoid thinking she's trying to turn my Dd against me?

Dd is 6, coming up for 7, but is pretty switched on so im hoping she's reaching the age where she will start to see through it!

She sounds like a knob. As you say, she sounds insecure and competitive.

I can’t see anyone admitting similar behaviour, it’s very embarrassing and transparent.

And I don’t have any advice I’m afraid as DD is very young.

Sounds like pretty shitty behaviour from your ExH and the SM. It's seeking favouritism with your DD and is disrespectful to you.

My advice would be to ignore it. Certainly don't say anything to your DD or involve her in any way. The bad behaviour is coming from the adults.

If it really gets to the point where you're concerned, then speak to your Ex and tell him why it's inappropriate. The SM is NOT her mother - and should never cross the boundary of criticising or questioning your mothering role/skills (unless you're a crap mum which I assume you're not!).

A good SM should be like a solid reliable friend to a step child. That's as far as it goes.

Thanks @AnneLovesGilbert

*I can’t see anyone admitting similar behaviour, it’s very embarrassing and transparent.
*Probably not!! I didnt actually realise how bad it sounded myself until I typed it out. Its all really small petty things in isolation, it's only when I look at the bigger picture it seems more transparent

@AmandaHoldensLips

Sounds like pretty shitty behaviour from your ExH and the SM. It's seeking favouritism with your DD and is disrespectful to you.

My advice would be to ignore it. Certainly don't say anything to your DD or involve her in any way. The bad behaviour is coming from the adults.

If it really gets to the point where you're concerned, then speak to your Ex and tell him why it's inappropriate. The SM is NOT her mother - and should never cross the boundary of criticising or questioning your mothering role/skills (unless you're a crap mum which I assume you're not!).

A good SM should be like a solid reliable friend to a step child. That's as far as it goes.

Thanks! Both of them have been on FaceTime at the time of the comments so he's definitely aware. We have a really unhealthy co-parenting arrangement in that he's not "allowed" to talk to me other than via email (his "rules" not mine)

I'm not a step mum but she sounds like a tit.

Not sure what you can do other than ignore her though. How old is your dd?

Oh sorry you already said she's 6 nearly 7!

I'm a stepmum. This sounds like some sort of weird jealousy to me. I'd try and ignore it as much as possible tbh, your daughter will see through it soon enough.

That's some very petty one upmanship from her. I'd ignore it completely. She is making herself look ridiculous and your DD will quickly work that out for herself.

Completely ridiculous behaviour - she sounds like she's trying to compete with you. Maybe she needs to have a child of her own to stop her obsession with your daughter.

Thanks everyone, yeah I will continue to ignore and not rise to it.

I'm more worried about the impact on my Dd. I don't feel it's fair to bring it up to her as she's the innocent one in all of this. But I was worried if I ignored it, SMs weird games would work and Dd would start to believe she was more fun etc. Like PPs have said, hopefully DD will start to see through it herself

@tiredofthisshit21

Completely ridiculous behaviour - she sounds like she's trying to compete with you. Maybe she needs to have a child of her own to stop her obsession with your daughter.

I wish she would but she's never been interested in having her own child (I've known her a while) and also she's now 44 so while nowt impossible, I presume it's unlikely

The strange thing is she's quite hands off in terms of actually being involved in the fat to fat care while Dd was with her dad (completely fair enough) but seems to want to be the "favourite" in terms of having fun and being the "cool one"

I think @alwayswrighty hit the nail in head with jealousy however that doesnt excuse her behaviour.
Im a stepmom and my number 1 rule is not to speak negatively in any shape way or form about any members of DSSs family. It's a form of parental alienation ( a subtle one) that is really bad for a kid. Poor little girl. What does your ex think of this behaviour?

My ex MIL is exactly the same. My 12yo can't stand her now. Not normal behaviour btw.

I'd just reply with 'that's nice' if DD mentions it. If she doesn't see a reaction from you then it shows there is no issue from your side. I get asked a lot why we do xyz differently in our house to the DSCs mums. I just reply with 'we are just different people' rather than having an opinion. Makes being stepmum easier. She might feel she has something to prove but she will chill out in time no doubt.

@Aimee1987

I think *@alwayswrighty* hit the nail in head with jealousy however that doesnt excuse her behaviour. Im a stepmom and my number 1 rule is not to speak negatively in any shape way or form about any members of DSSs family. It's a form of parental alienation ( a subtle one) that is really bad for a kid. Poor little girl. What does your ex think of this behaviour?

It's my DD I'm really feeling for but I don't want to mention it to her in case it makes her feel guilty or caught in the middle.

Her dad is definitely aware of the comments as he witnesses them - however given that it's continuing (and even escalating) it either doesn't seem to think it's a problem and/or he isn't willing to address it. I completely understand this makes it as much his fault as hers.

My Dd had a phase of not wanting to have any contact with her dad or SM so I don't know if this is why he's happy with these type of comments in an attempt to win her over?

Also, I've heard from joint friends of my exH & I that she is very controlling and he's very much "under the thumb". None of my business what their relationship is like (and that's my response when friends comment on it). Each to their own but if her behaviour is impacting on Dd then it is my business.

@Qwertyyui

I'd just reply with 'that's nice' if DD mentions it. If she doesn't see a reaction from you then it shows there is no issue from your side. I get asked a lot why we do xyz differently in our house to the DSCs mums. I just reply with 'we are just different people' rather than having an opinion. Makes being stepmum easier. She might feel she has something to prove but she will chill out in time no doubt.

Anytime my Dd mentions her dad or sm to me I am very neutral but she also asks my why her dad and SM don't like me, so I'm pretty sure my courtesy is not reciprocated.

The problem with this particular situation is that I'm hearing snippets of conversations I'm not part of so I can't bring it up without making my Dd feel bad

My childrens ex stepmother was like this. My youngest was 3 when XSM moved in and ten when she moved out. Turns out that there were comments like this EVERY WEEK FOR SEVEN YEARS! My eldest very casually said "didn't you know she detested you?" I just can't imagine giving anyone I didn't like this much headspace. I think it was jealousy and insecurity. Your situation sounds similar. My ex was also controlled as to how/when he could contact me. Just kill her with kindness. That's what I did. It really wound her up that she couldn't pick holes in my behaviour towards her.

It’s hard to ignore and if it escalates definitely bring it up. If it doesn’t escalate then just ignore it and do as you are.

I don’t really have anything to do with my SCs other parent but sometimes they mention thing to me about stuff they’ve done with their mum and I would always be nice about it and never make any kind of comments like your SM for your DD does so it’s odd.

My kids also have a SM and I am pretty sure she does the same although me and my ex don’t always get on so I don’t imagine she is that fond of me, I have read my DCs messages when I check their phones which includes her and she’s occasionally asked about me such as what did you get for Xmas/birthday at your mums and she always replies pleasantly to them ‘that’s nice’ or such things. So I can only assume she does this in person too which is the right thing to do.

It’s ultimately an ex problem for him allowing it and choosing someone who is like this. But definitely best to rise above if you can. If it gets worse though then potentially you have to bring it up to the ex asking him for them not to discuss such things with DD in that way. But hopefully she’ll get bored when she realises it doesn’t work.

I am an SM of over a decade - this woman is just a wanker, she sounds both insecure and deeply unpleasant.

Given your relationship with your ex isn’t great, I would just ignore it if you can. As a PP said, just say oh that’s nice. It’s basically a good thing your DD has a relationship with DP. As your daughter gets older and less malleable she will realise her Dad’s GF is a twat, although she may carry on collecting the free shampoo…

I'm sure she is insecure and jealous, but that is no excuse. She is going to end up creating a loyalty bind. That's not fair on dd. As an ADULT (is she?) SM should be able to appreciate that dd having good relationship with her mum is a good thing, and if she talks about what she does with you, the only appropriate response is to be interested, and happy for her if she had fun not competitive about it

I think all you can do is set a positive example really...

I had similar with my children’s SM. After 2 years of her shit I challenged her regarding her comments (which she denied) even although I’d heard them myself. Obviously this was done without the children knowing. It came to a point my children didn’t want to visit their dad due to her hatred of me and I wasn’t going to stand by and watch their relationship with him ruined. I initiated mediation sessions between him and I and very clearly told him what damage was being done to his relationship with them. The comments stopped for a while but ramped up again when the children were young teenagers, by that time they could make their own minds up and started declining to visit. None of them have seen their dad in nearly 17 years now which is a shame as it could have been so different.

I still find it difficult to understand why she hated me to make such awful comments to the children tbh as I never knew the woman!

I’m a SM and I would never have made any negative comments towards my step children’s mum to them. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but the children will make their own minds up in years to come.

What an utter cow. Not helpful I know...

Don't keep encouraging your dd to take calls in her room, you need an idea of what's going on.

I would do lots of background work with your dd on topics like forming her own opinions on people and situations. Not being drawn into mob mentality when people are saying negative things she doesn't believe or doesn't like, knowing her own mind etc.

She might be young now, but you are going to need to lay good foundations for when she's older and the step mum starts this nonsense with clothes and makeup, bras etc. you've got time, hopefully they won't be together then!

You know this is odd behaviour SM or not tbh. Sounds like insecurity

I know you briefly mentioned your ex being controlling and as much as hate going down this rabbit hole. Do you think the at your ex might be playing a large role in this than thought? Such as drip feeding poison into SM ear and that's why it's ramping up ?

Putting the ex and the Sm against each other as such so he can sit back and watch the fireworks . Saying "oh my ex says z y and x about you" and "that's why DC doesn't want come around as much because of your not doing enough fun stuff with her" or "saying well your not doing enough stuff to bond". There have been threads where men have said these types of things to their partners to make them insecure and are complains of men who would prefer their hand off partners take over the reigns so they don't have to.

You will know your ex so you will know if he's a man of this kin. It's just unusual that the behaviour is escalating without any prompts from DD or you so I suspect something insidious is going down with ex DH to prompt stoke the insecurity!

Just my two pence.