A question for step mums

[bongobingo43]

I'm not sure where to post my question but I'm
Really just looking to understand my dd's SM's behaviour.....

I 100% know that the vast majority of SMs are not like this and it is not a SM 'bashing' thread - I'm genuinely wanting to understand why she acts the way she acts to make the situation as easy for my Dd as possible.

This has been going on for a couple of years but gradually getting worse. It's like she competes with me in everything and it's becoming more and more blatant.

FaceTime conversations i overheard this week...

A) I took Dd to the cinema then when she was telling her dad and SM about it, SM asked if she'd have had more fun with them than should would've with me.

B) Dd has been asking for a certain brand of shampoo that she uses at her dads house. I believe this is SM's shampoo but Dd wanted it. DD said on the phone "Santa got my the xyz shampoo" (this was just a stocking filler obviously but she was excited about it). SMs response "that's good, we both know that's the best one for shiny hair even if your mum doesn't like it. We both know it's better for your skin than that stuff SHE (I.e. me) has so at least Santa listens"

C) another FaceTime on the 27th. We'd had a really busy Xmas day and Boxing Day. Asked Dd what she wanted to do and her words were that she wanted a "lazy pj day". When dad and SM called they almost interrogate her about what she's been up to. She said "nothing, we're just staying in" and SMs response was "oh that's such a shame, you must be so bored. Don't worry, you'll be having fun with us soon".

The reason I'm worried is that these are just snippets I've over heard without intentionally listening: I've suggested Dd FaceTimes from her bedroom but she doesn't like to sit still and wanders round the house while she chats.

I suspect this is just the type of the iceberg of the nonsense she's fed when she's with them in person.

What do I do? It's not Dds fault so I don't think it's right to make her feel guilty over it? So do I just ignore it? But then what if it escalates? Tbh I don't care about exH and SM but it's almost like they're trying to brainwash Dd or turn her against me?

My suspicion is that SM is very insecure/jealous of my relationship with Dd but would there any other reason? Am I being paranoid thinking she's trying to turn my Dd against me?

Dd is 6, coming up for 7, but is pretty switched on so im hoping she's reaching the age where she will start to see through it!

But kids have a way of playing one parent off against the other, if May be your dd isn't as innocent as you think

Oh yes! Don't leap automatically to assume everything she says is true and hopefully dad and SM will do the same. We got a lot of "mum says you have to buy me xyz" and then when dad checked with mum she'd been doing the same to her!

@gogohm yes this is very true. My dsd did a lot of this growing up, particularly around the ages of 8-11. At one point she told us her mum was beating her up and "pushing her around", but this was proven to never be the case.

Kids will play parents off each other, so don't rule that out, but still keep an eye on the comments from SM.

@ReginaaPhalange I agree. The fact SM is doing them on facetime and knows your daughter is in the main house suggests she knows (or should know!) You might overhear them to me tbh.

Kids will play parents off each other, so don't rule that out, but still keep an eye on the comments from SM.

This is 100% true and my Dd is definitely guilty of this at times! However, these calls I've heard parts of started with her happily chatting away about what she'd been doing and SM was the one turning the conversation to try and suggest to my Dd that while it might've been okay with me it would've been even more fun with her.

The fact my Dd was chattering away about what she'd been doing with me, might not be exactly what she wants to hear but when it happens in reverse I manage to deal with it and am happy for my Dd - just a shame she doesn't have the decency to do the same (when in theory it should actually be easier for her

My experience as a step mum is irrelevant here as my step children were older when I was with their dad, and their DM wasn't in the picture at all.

However, as a mum of DC who have FaceTimes with their dad (when he can be bothered) and have overheard exactly this kind of thing from his mouth and his new GF, I'd say you need to be present when your DD has these calls. Yes, it'll make you feel uncomfortable, but she's only 6 and with the amount of interrogation you mention that's a lot for a 6yo to handle alone imo. Exh often does this with DC, and I've heard them many times defending what we're up to etc. It's not on. I'd be nipping that in the bud by making it clear you're present during these FaceTime calls.

As for the rest, yeah the step mum is trying to points score. It's hard to ignore and unfair on your DD. I'd be wanting a proper sit down conversation there to address it.

@bongobingo43 don't get me wrong, I've been there before and said to my dh when it's not his weekend to have dsd "why is mum going out with her mates and not spending time with dsd??". My dh was quick to point out "she's at her grans for the night so spending quality time with her".

It is easy to judge, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done it (as proven above).

It is easy to feel insecure as a SM as you want the kid to like you and you don't want to be seen as boring, but SM is over stepping the line IMO.

@bongobingo43

I think a good example is "mummy said you're not allowed to look after us" directed at me. That one hurt. But it even gets thrown at their dad too. For a while we went through a "it's daddy's fault" phase. I couldn't find my hairbrush once, SS responded "daddy must have binned it or broke it". The most recent thing I have is when we do something together as a family & I want to take pictures, my SS will say "no. Mummy said you're not allowed to take pictures of us".

@bongobingo43

I'm both a Step Mum and My kids have a Step Mum...

Speaking as a Step Mum - I barely get involved with my step kids unless they ask. I'm not their Mum, never will try to be. However when SD asks me for style advice, period advice Etc then I'll engage. I don't do her Christmas - I leave it to my DP (her dad)

My own childrens Step Mum - (I'm going to try and not sound sarcastic but...) She is a freaking superwoman, there is nothing this woman can't do!! Anything this woman can do she is the best at!! She is not scared of anything, she is fearless, she is so down with the kids she's so cool!!! 🙄🙄🙄

I think it depends on the person.

My kids had a step mum before I was one, so I think that adds to my laid back approach. I don't want to step on my step kids mums toes!

I was a sm for 9 years and still have a close bind with both kids even though their dad and I are no longer together. As you rightly say this is not a SM issue, it is specific to this woman being a twat.

For whatever reason she is insecure, but I doubt it is about your bind with your dd. It is more likely that she is finding her relationship with your dd difficult and is trying to get reassurance that dd enjoys her time with her.

She is going about it in the wrong way but I suspect she is trying to build a connection with your dd.

If you have a comfortable relationship with your ex then please mention it to him. However, if you don't then I would ignore it unless it gets worse. At which point I would have ab age related chat with your dd about it.

I was having a little think about this one and I have a example from my SD you may find interesting.

SD has one of those pre paid top up cards for lunch and she came to ours on Friday and I asked about her week school ect and she said yes all fine I haven't eaten lunch for last 4 days so I'm hungry.

Stumped 🤔 so I asked how come, she said mummy had forgotten to top up her card so she just had no food. She mentioned this happened regularly and often went without dinner too. DH went into panic mode and started gathering food supplies for the DSD so she didn't waste away.. I said that sounds odd (DH and his ex didn't get on but I have been slowly encouraging them to get on) so I said why don't you call her and ask.

Turns out mum had been topping up card with £50 per weeks for DSD lunches and DSD had been buying all the snacks at tuck shop on 2/3rd day (DSD all tracked on online system which DSD didn't know about) She literally had accused her mother of starving her.

If we hadn't spoken to her mum in a cordial way we would have literally been assuming that she wasn't being feed. Now DSD is a lovely girl.

It does get a bit draining to hear how wonderful life is at mummy's sometimes, they've grown out of it now thankfully and they were just trying to share their lives with me so when I looked at it like that it was easier. It must have been hard for them learning that 2 houses do it differently. So I do have some sympathy for the SM here but I would absolutely never do what she has done and try and make it some sort of competition. Instead I just didn't care and it bored me!

Im a SM and wouldnt dream of talking to my step children like this, i once accidently said to DSD (she was 16 at the time and i was busy with a newborn and toddler and not thinking) that at least when she was with us she wasnt treated like the maid (long backstory) and felt absolutely horrified as soon as the words left my mouth shes 24 now and still laughs about the look on my face when i realised id said it out loud.

If your DD SM is saying these things purposely all the time then shes an idiot. Id guess shes feeling insecure and being petty to point score and make herself feel better. I think id just ignore the behaviour i doubt she or your ex will listen if you try to discuss it and DD will soon see through the behaviour. We had it the opposite way with it being dsc mum who made those comments and they just used to get annoyed by it and eventually told her to stop. DSD is now NC with her mum because of this type of behaviour.

@smilingthroughgrittedteeth I have thought many a similar thing haha difference is you felt awful when you'd said it outloud. This SM seems to just be blurting it out.

She sounds like my SM was growing up!!! She was always horrible about my Mum, I still remember comments now....

I remember going swimming with her and getting changed in the cubicle with her and her saying to me whilst she had her top off 'you don't want huge boobs like your Mum they are horrible you want ones my size much more manageable' < maybe not her exact words but something similar.

She also said something to me once about how she doesn't starve herself on broccoli like my mum does and she thinks she's 'too skinny' (my mum is massively into health and fitness she definitely doesn't and didn't starve herself).

There were a lot of comments over the years but the worst was when I was 16 SM was very drunk and referred to my mum as a slag.

All of the above comments massively hurt me (as you can tell I'm 29 now and still remember them). I used to want so badly to stick up for my mum but as a young child who also wanted my SM to like me I felt like I couldn't and for that I felt guilt. Sadly I don't think there is much you can do about your situation because it's the SM's issues and if you do try you will definitely be painted as the bad person. But one thing I will say is that when it happened to me it pushed me to love and want to protect my mum even more. Although I never spoke out it pushed me away from my SM and made my bond closer to my Mum.

My kids SM is exactly like this. It used to be so draining, I just ignore it now. The kids wised up to the manipulation on their own in the end. It's really hard but the more you ignore it, the more bored SM will get !

Keep rising above it.

Hmm, I’m not really sure about completely ignoring or saying “that’s nice” to this kind of thing. How will your dd learn how to interact healthily during conflict if she’s only seeing one side doing it and her mother being passive to it like it doesn’t matter? Also what about teen years when she starts to try to separate from you - as all children must - and she’s got them slyly waiting in the wings undermining you? Or if SM starts on her and she has no tools to address it because no one showed her or acknowledged it was unpleasant?

In similar situations I have said to my children “Oof! That’s a bit mean, oh well I suppose people just think very differently don’t they? Never mind, now what shall we have for tea?” When my children have asked me what I think about questionable behaviour from their dad and his family/associates I will answer truthfully without using it as an excuse to stick the boot in. I feel like it’s my job to do this. He’s not displaying a good moral compass, how will they learn if I don’t offer an alternative? The last thing I know of that he said to them about me was alluding to me being lazy, he got a very chilly response to that and as far as I know hasn’t said anything again. My kids are teens now and pretty good at handling this kind of snideness. My eldest in particular is great at injecting humour into it and brushing it off.

@LondonWolf I completely agree - if my Dd was saying either dad or SM said XYZ about you, if he explaining it's not kind/none of their business and that you shouldn't talk about people
Behind their back, and encouraging my Dd to think for herself and form her own opinions.

The difficulty is that these comments are subtle enough (to a 6yo) that my Dd doesn't really seem to realise that her SM is having a dig at me & trying to make herself look better

The only reason I'm being passive about it is because I don't want to create a situation where me Dd feels conflicted. She's innocent in all of this and is, at least for now, oblivious to the games being played by her sm

[quote bongobingo43]@LondonWolf I completely agree - if my Dd was saying either dad or SM said XYZ about you, if he explaining it's not kind/none of their business and that you shouldn't talk about people
Behind their back, and encouraging my Dd to think for herself and form her own opinions.

The difficulty is that these comments are subtle enough (to a 6yo) that my Dd doesn't really seem to realise that her SM is having a dig at me & trying to make herself look better

The only reason I'm being passive about it is because I don't want to create a situation where me Dd feels conflicted. She's innocent in all of this and is, at least for now, oblivious to the games being played by her sm[/quote]
Oh I wasn’t addressing the passive thing to you OP, just the advice to never acknowledge it. You seem very aware of what’s going on and I feel sure sure you’ll find the right way to address it when the opportunity presents itself, as it no doubt will because snidey people never can stop themselves from going further and further.

Very odd. I've been a stepmum for 9 years now to a now 11 year old boy. First thing I think odd is that they're both on every call? How often do they see your daughter?
We have my stepson every weekend and he is obviously very close to his dad, when they FaceTime I may happen to be in the room and walking past and say hi, or text him myself sometimes about shared interests, so I find that she's there next to him on every FaceTime call odd?
Tbh I think the woman is just a twat and clearly jealous of your relationship with your dd? Even if I ever thought sometime along those lines I would NEVER say it out loud to stepson- ever!!

@weresupermonsters

Very odd. I've been a stepmum for 9 years now to a now 11 year old boy. First thing I think odd is that they're both on every call? How often do they see your daughter? We have my stepson every weekend and he is obviously very close to his dad, when they FaceTime I may happen to be in the room and walking past and say hi, or text him myself sometimes about shared interests, so I find that she's there next to him on every FaceTime call odd? Tbh I think the woman is just a twat and clearly jealous of your relationship with your dd? Even if I ever thought sometime along those lines I would NEVER say it out loud to stepson- ever!!

Dd usually stays 2 nights every week (not set nights due to shifts) and FaceTimes are maybe only once a week.

However, exH have covid and was isolating, day 8 of his isolation and SM got it so Dd hasn't seen them for over 2 weeks now, hence why the phone calls and FaceTimes have been so frequent.

No idea why SM needs to be on the call. IMO she almost takes over and dad hardly gets a word in edge ways but that's not for me to get involved in

I do wonder if them not seeing Dd as often as usual and her spending 100% of time with me over Xmas has exaggerated the jealousy.

It’s ultimately an ex problem for him allowing it and choosing someone who is like this

I have been divorced over a decade and I used to think it was something to do with the type of woman my ex deliberately went for - I assumed they were women with low self esteem who needed to come out on top every time to feel good about themselves. My ex tends to form reasonably long term relationships with women - he’s a ‘love bomber’ in the extreme so women are around for several years before he moves on.

Over time, I think I have changed my mind from it being the SM to it being my ex. I am as sure as I can be that he’s the ‘my ex is an evil witch who took my children and my house and all my worldly goods and is a shit mother to boot’ kind of guy. I think he lies through his teeth to paint himself in as best a light as possible. I think he uses honesty as a means by which to demonstrate his reformed character and how good a catch he is. So something a long the lines of ‘I had an affair and I treated her badly but even though I let her have everything, she uses the children as weapons but lucky me I’ve met you and I know you will be the one to make me and my children happy again’. I think he uses the fact I live in a nice area and he lives in a crap one as further evidence of how nice he is for the sake of the children and how awful I am for having grasped it all with my greedy, open hands.

He glosses over his refusal to pay maintenance, the fact I work full time and always have. He blames our different financial situations to him having given me everything, rather than him dabbling in self employment to avoid maintenance so he never really earns much so in turn, can’t find something in a better area or bring in more money without alerting the taxman. It’s finely balanced on his part, a house of cards that falls with any half emotionally intelligent woman who can see his unfettered access to the children and my full time work don’t add up to poor, abused ex husband who has done everything he can to appease grasping, money-oriented ex.

What happens in time is that these women suss him out and get rid of him or he drags them down with his embitterment and we go through months of misery until they do something to the children he can’t ignore and the relation ends. It’s the children who suffer, that’s the biggest problem.

No advice, OP. Just keep smiling, keep communication open with your daughter, and trust her to tell you if it gets too much.

I don’t know what to say, I’m absolutely astonished at the nerve. I would never - never put down my husbands ex to their kids, this is really unkind behaviour. No matter what she might say or think about me! Your ex is a Wally for not pulling her up on this. How pathetic, to think she has the edge over some shampoo. It’s one thing to be insecure about partners ex but a whole other thing to be insecure about the relationship a child has with her mother.

My concern with a woman like this, is that she is so deeply petty, immature & in need to be ‘best’ that if she has a bio child of her own, the comparisons will start again but this time her child vs your child.

For now, if your daughter isn’t emulating her behaviour & acting catty herself, then that’s a good start. I think you can only subtly talk to your daughter about kindness & confidence & hope that none of this madness rubs off on her.

Sorry you’re going through this, I don’t have bio kids of my own but I can imagine how much this would upset me with the examples you’ve given.

@clouds56

She sounds like my SM was growing up!!! She was always horrible about my Mum, I still remember comments now....

I remember going swimming with her and getting changed in the cubicle with her and her saying to me whilst she had her top off 'you don't want huge boobs like your Mum they are horrible you want ones my size much more manageable' < maybe not her exact words but something similar.

She also said something to me once about how she doesn't starve herself on broccoli like my mum does and she thinks she's 'too skinny' (my mum is massively into health and fitness she definitely doesn't and didn't starve herself).

There were a lot of comments over the years but the worst was when I was 16 SM was very drunk and referred to my mum as a slag.

All of the above comments massively hurt me (as you can tell I'm 29 now and still remember them). I used to want so badly to stick up for my mum but as a young child who also wanted my SM to like me I felt like I couldn't and for that I felt guilt. Sadly I don't think there is much you can do about your situation because it's the SM's issues and if you do try you will definitely be painted as the bad person. But one thing I will say is that when it happened to me it pushed me to love and want to protect my mum even more. Although I never spoke out it pushed me away from my SM and made my bond closer to my Mum.

This is awful, you poor thing. My SM told me once that my mum was a bad vegetarian because she wore makeup, and that she wore too much & looked like a clown anyway (my mum in her day was a real head Turner & my SM was very pretty too but must have got quite sick of all the comparisons. I get it, as a teen everyone was astonished that I was my mothers daughter & used to rave about how beautiful she’d been at my age No need for SM to take it out on a child though). I told my mum & all hell broke loose, SM denied it & I got in trouble with my dad for lying. However At 5, how would I have known anything about the vegetarian / cosmetics being tested on animals / cruelty controversy? I think this remark alone should have alerted my dad to the fact I hadn’t made it up. I had to apologize to her! You never forget these things.

I am a SM and absolutely never put my DH's ex down in front of the kids ever. Not once. In fact, I'm the opposite, I big her up to them, ask about her when she's been unwell etc...but she does not do the same for me. My SC fully know their mother hates me, because she tells them.